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April 30, 2024 at 2:22 pm #432191
seaturtleParticipantAnita!!
Again thank you for the birthday wishes ❤️
When is your birthday?
April 30, 2024 at 2:21 pm #432190seaturtleParticipantDear Helcat,
“I finally caught up to the break up. You really have been through a lot in recent months. COVID, a hurt knee and the surgery ontop of a difficult break up! You’ve been through so much, it’s nice to see you starting to heal and come out of the other side.”
I so appreciate your catching up with my story ❤
“Would you like to hear my thoughts about the relationship and breakup?”
Thank you for asking! I would like to hear your thoughts. Part of me is afraid to hear something I don’t want to but I value self awareness and growth over a bruised ego. So yes please, tell me your perspective.
Seaturtle
April 30, 2024 at 2:18 pm #432189seaturtleParticipantAnita,
Thank you for thinking of me on my birthday 🙂 I thought of you too! But decided to stay present off my phone as best I could.
25 year old Seaturtle
April 30, 2024 at 2:17 pm #432188seaturtleParticipantHello All,
I haven’t yet read recent messages, but I have a recent false self discovery and would like to go deeper into it.
I have always known I have some people pleasing tendencies, but I thought I had them under control. When I moved away from home I realized all the things I did for my fathers approval and began to seek what was actually important to me. I now realize I fell into that habit in a past relationship, in that when I felt disapproval it affected my self esteem significantly.
When I reflect back on my childhood, there was not much, if any, praise for trying. Instead I remember feeling like there was always something I could do better. Even as an adult living in my fathers home he constantly told me he did not feel appreciated by me. If I was free in the evening and didn’t think to make him dinner, if I didn’t volunteer to do things for him, if I didn’t show enough gratitude for things he did. Or if I ever confronted him about how he hurt my feelings, he would call it being ungrateful for the list of things he does for me.
I notice in my adult life now, I often ask how I could be better… I told my employer once to let me know if I was doing anything that bothered them so that I could fix it ( I work as a nanny). I seek validation from my roommate about my behavior… after going out if I questioned something I did or said. I want to understand the balance, because when I read that the solution is to stop doing things for others approval and do what feels in align with me, that is how I behaved living with my father and I was constantly called selfish or ungrateful. I don’t want my actions to hurt other people or offend them, but I also want to live in alignment with my true self. Is our true self selfish? How do I think of others and care for them, without comprising my true self?
Seaturtle
April 23, 2024 at 1:35 pm #431964seaturtleParticipant“About 1 week to your 25 year-old birthday, Seaturtle. A quarter of a century. It’s okay if you don’t respond to this post, really! Nevertheless, it’s impossible to forget a real-life, human sea turtle.”
I wish I could “love” a message here as I can with my iPhone, haha. 🥰
Seaturtle
April 23, 2024 at 1:33 pm #431963seaturtleParticipantHelcat,
” Healing the initial trauma and being able to address the past pain separately is important. Therapy is helpful with this.”
-I have tried to find a therapist here since I moved away from my last one. I have found it very hard to find someone. Everytime I get close, it doesn’t quite feel right.
Seaturtle
April 23, 2024 at 1:29 pm #431962seaturtleParticipantDear Helcat,
Thank you for the Birthday wishes 🙂
“How did your parents handle it when you or they were bored?”
– I don’t recall complaining about boredom. But I remember if I was bored, especially in the summer time I would go to my neighbors house, a girl my age lived there and we enjoyed alot of the same activities. I was also in soccer at least twice a week after school. They would put on movies for us, my siblings and I, when they didn’t want to be bothered. Or they would tell us we had to stay outside for a block amount of time, I would get creative with my siblings and build a fort or sell lemonade. We spent alot of days at a swimming pool, that always exhausted us. I had a very fun childhood. I also played by myself alot, dolls or art. I still do art now, quite often when I am bored, but the issue is it is messy and my roommate doesn’t like it so I haven’t recently :/. I have tried before to designate a space but I always feel like I am in her way or she disaproves of my organized mess staying out for days, which is what my projects take.
“These once children, now adults can go on to psychologically abuse themselves to maintain a state of “normality” once they have been removed from an abusive situation. I don’t know if that makes any sense? It is possible to change these patterns and it involves a lot of relaxation techniques, practising healthy boundaries, communication and self-compassion.”
-Yes I completely understand! In fact I have been practicing all of these techniques in order to let go of past pain so that it does not dictate my future. That is what I was referring to when I called past pains, “samskaras,” that block our energy from fully passing through us. I don’t want past pain to dictate my comfort. Which may be why I am having a hard time recently with a long time childhood friend, the one coming to my birthday weekend. I am afraid that she is someone I picked out of past pain and now that I have been working to release these past scars, she no longer fills a need I no longer have… But I love her, and ending our relationship seems harsh and heart breaking…
“I will add that the person who I change the topic of conversation with isn’t receptive to discussing these things and has severe depression. I just repeatedly change the topic of conversation over and over otherwise we would be talking about what is depressing them the whole time.”
-What makes you not just let them go?
“Another good one when you are interrupted is, interrupting back and say “Sorry I was actually saying…” “
-This is actually something I have started doing! But I don’t like to, is the problem haha, it makes me feel like I am stooping to their level.
“I think if you try and help someone and they don’t have good boundaries it can set the tone for that being the entire relationship.”
-I end up in this scenario very often. I wonder if this has to do with the fact my mom treated me more like a friend than a daughter on many occasions, since I am the oldest. She has overstepped her sharing boundary many times.
Seaturtle
April 23, 2024 at 1:09 pm #431960seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
I hope you had a nice weekend 🙂
“My point is, restated, that if you want a positive, relaxing birthday weekend in Palm Springs, then having a person who is, (your words), “so negative“, who “talks just so much, doesn’t allow a moment of silence… cuts me off… doesn’t listen when I talk…just waits to talk“, is not congruent with having a positive, relaxing weekend, not for you, and not for your roommate- friend.”
– Although these things are true, they aren’t always true, I have been able to relax with her before, and she has been in more positive spirits, the version of her I remain hopeful for in Palm Springs…
– Also, something else that is congruent with me, is that I don’t want to control so much anymore, and that includes other people’s behavior. Maybe then the solution is to not expect a relaxing weekend in Palm Springs, just what is meant to be will be, and I will grow from it spiritually by learning to let go of the part of me that is bothered…? (more on this later)
-I Spoke with her over Sunday morning coffee and learned something new about me and her. In the conversation she said she felt what I was saying was unfair, she said she can’t help but talk so much cause she has adhd.. She also said she is negative because it has been a hard year, just as my hard year with my last living situation, when I was negative too so it was unfair of me to tell her her negativity was a problem. I explained that to vent about a struggle is ok with me, but when the negativity bleeds out into her constantly complaining about other things too, that was not something I wanted to handle. She got teary eyed. Claimed I was calling her out in public… we were in a cafe and few people around with headphones on. I told her, no this is not “public” and also even if a random person here heard us then who cares… this is way more important than that. She sort of broke down into tears, talking about it has been the hardest year of her life and she would try to recognize her negativity, she said she knew she was negative and that is why she has been less social lately.
- Days before meeting, I decided I would not give in to my minds thoughts all week, trying to plan every word. I decided I would try to use this situation to practice surrendering to life’s events and staying centered. I also told myself all I needed to know was that she was going to be aware of her negativity, I didn’t expect it to change over night, so when she admitted that I felt like that was all I could do, she is coming and we will see. The morning of our meeting, I did what gets me centered the most accurately, hot yoga. I met her at a cafe, one of my favorite places to stay centered. As she said those things above, I stayed quiet trying to reflect, I did not agree that I was all that negative to her last year, I kept most to myself and actually here with you Anita. I didn’t say this to her because I doubted myself, and still do, maybe I was negative to her and how can I deny that? I don’t have a perfect memory, and it would make sense since I was in a hard place with a very challenged third eye. When she said the thing about talking so much cause her therapist, when she was little, said she had adhd… I really wanted to roll my eyes. I know that letting your thoughts run away and talk talk talk, is manageable through mindfulness. But Again I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe she did have some condition, how can I tell her her talking is controllable if I am not in her body?…
- Today, 2 days later, I don’t really feel much better about her coming. The cafe was good for us though, in that she seemed to respect my presence and aspired to be more centered and positive too. And of course after I told her she talked too much she let me speak as much as I needed to and I was definitely able to express myself and felt like she was actively listening and I felt seen. I still don’t like how she just had all the excuses for talking so much, and also her negativity. I didn’t see that in the moment though, today I recognize all the excuses and wonder if anything will actually change at all.
There’s a similar topic, that this is a good example for, that I want to ask your thoughts on. Right now is a good example of a time where I don’t know whether to let go, or ask her not to come. I know I said before, maybe I need to drop my expectation of a relaxing trip and let life unfold how it will if I don’t step in and ask her not to come. When to take control and when to not, is really difficult for me to decipher at this stage of my spiritual growth.
“I read your recent posts about your boredom and restlessness, and what occurred to me is that you need the most- seems to me- a why”
– I have a why, for why I come to work, and why I do alot of other things I do. That boredom comes in for the last few hours of the day, yes I do need a why for that timing.
Seaturtle
April 16, 2024 at 2:49 pm #431769seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
“– if you don’t disinvite her and suffer her presence during your birthday weekend (enduring her negative, on and on venting, etc.)), then you’d be a bad friend to you, wouldn’t you?”
“And you’d be losing you, wouldn’t you?”
-I want to be a good friend, I want that to be apart of who seaturtle is. So by giving up on her wouldn’t I be going against myself too? I need to learn when I need to let go of someone/something, but recently I gave up someone (you know who). And now I think I don’t want to do it again unless it is so so necessary. I do not want to lose me. I want to find me so that I know what I need to lose… I wonder if it can happen in that order..
“you are afraid of being your true, assertive self, so you are hoping that she (P) will make the right choice for you.”
You are right. Instead I want to be assertive and kind, and I am going to attempt this. I want to honor my assertive true self.
Seaturtle
April 16, 2024 at 2:36 pm #431768seaturtleParticipantDear Roberta,
Hi! I am happy to hear from you again 🙂
“What kind of things do you want to do when you are in Palm Springs?”
I would like to relax by the pool, play tennis/pickle ball and yes I have visualized us having morning yoga.
“you could say to P that you want it to be a retreat with lots of silence and meditations and if that’s not her kind of thing you two could go out and something together on your return to celebrate your birthday. “
This is a good idea, and it will be part of my conversation with her. I have asked her before why she talks so much, and at first she got defensive and said it was untrue… but then she said silence makes her uncomfortable. I asked her why, but she didn’t have the self awareness to really consider it, she just rephrased the word “uncomfortable” and said “silence is awkward.” So I left it alone. So Perhaps telling her this trip will have LOTS of silence, will turn her off to it, or she will come and realize how much she actually talks, which I would be fine with that outcome as well haha.
Seaturtle
April 16, 2024 at 2:16 pm #431766seaturtleParticipantDear Helcat,
“for when you notice that your false self arises…you can notice feelings of stress arising in your body… The idea is to notice these feelings in your body one by one and sit with the feeling, give it an opportunity to relax and open up.”
“I would say that the easiest way to tell if you are falling into patterns of your false self would be to reflect on your emotional state. Are you feeling calm? If so, probably not.”
– Does this also go for when I am bored and want to not be? In those moments I do feel slight stress/ resistance to the way I feel. After I have done what I wanted to with a day, and I still have time at the end, I am working on what to do with that time. Right now I find myself turning on the tv, getting chocolate or a glass of wine, but I am starting to notice, I get this boredom at a certain time every day and feel the need to fill it with entertainment or inspiration. Sometimes it is art, which I wonder if that is more productive than a movie and sweets. When my roommate is home it is easy to just talk or do something together. It’s funny I am asking for Shakti, for clarity and more life giving energy, yet I am not sure where to spend it. In those moments of boredom I feel restless, my mind says find something to do! If I just sit there, I feel calm, but unsatisfied. If this feeling of boredom is something that can be solved within, I am not sure how, because I have attempted relaxing and becoming aware of my state of mind, but then I just feel like “now what?”
Do your thoughts remind you of anyone you know? Have you heard something similar before? Remember the absorbing patterns from other people and experiences.
This is interesting, I am going to try and ask these questions when I feel stress. Realizing when a thought isn’t me.
“For example, I value kindness and understanding. But when I’m feeling triggered my thoughts become distrusting, feeling like people are intentionally hurting me and become defensive. You see my pattern of the false self?”
So then reacting out of any past pain is a false self. Does this mean whenever I feel like negativity wants to leave my body, that, is a false self? Does recognizing your false self help you to find your true self? Do you think that at the core, all of our true selves are morally/ and belief aligned? If we see someone acting as a false self, how do we engage with that?
As I read further you said you engage with changing the topic. If you observe that they inevitably wrap back around to something negative, do you remove yourself or try to help them? I wonder if trying to help people in this way is productive at all, or completely not our place?
Seaturtle
April 15, 2024 at 4:35 pm #431687seaturtleParticipantHelcat,
“I really enjoyed talking to you.
“Ditto!! 🙂
“I hope you get some rest when you can and take extra special care of yourself.
“Yes I will, that is what today is for. I am going to try and rescue my orchid plant and maybe do some painting if I feel inspired.
Seaturtle
April 15, 2024 at 2:27 pm #431717seaturtleParticipantDear Helcat,
I wrote to you yesterday and for some reason the post is waiting for moderation.. I am not sure why.
“Have you got any meditation practices?”
Yes! For the past 5 years, whenever I have felt myself in a streak of anxiety for more than a few days I have used the app, Headspace, to guide me through morning mediations. There I learned to meditate through going into my body, as well as visualizing a light coming from the sky through the top of my head and glowing out of me as far as I could visually stretch it. Since researching Buddhism, I have learned about meditation through self reflection, before I didn’t realize this was a type of mediation, but I had been doing it before, as is obvious with my posting on here in general. I have also practiced empty mind meditation. This morning particularly I woke up from some negative dreams and attempted to meditate to wake my third eye, I just focused on the space between my eyes, thought of the wisdom it brought, then decided to have some tea with it. I am not sure if there is a more effective meditation practice to open the third eye (aka my ability to see things as they truly are)?
“I don’t know if you’ve heard of Traditional Chinese Medicine? “
I have not, but would like to learn! Last year I did not eat well, lots of takeout, weed was involved, and so was an abrupt move from moderate weather and seasons, to intense heat and dryness. Stress and sleep trouble were also involved. I am still on a self reflection journey to see what happened to me last year, why I felt/was so unconscious. Although I did lots of art in that time, I wonder if consciousness is apart of that, or if art is meditative?
“Buddhism is great at unpicking things and helping you to choose what you’d like to keep and let go.”
This is one of the reasons I am seeking out Buddhist teachings, because I want to let go. Although I have some fear around what those things are, my messages here to Anita have been about my long time friend, P, who since being on this journey, has seemed like part of what I may need to let go. But I have thoughts like “what if she is just that way because of …. right now, and will wake back up, I shouldn’t give up on her?” “Doesn’t being a good friend/family member mean to stick by someone through the lows?” When to release.
“False selves. … A conditioned response, where we default to a learned pattern in times of stress.”
How do I detect when it is my false self wanting to make a decision, or me, and if there is this separation… then who is me? If false selves have conditions and preferences, does “me/I” have preferences too? That is a big question I have had on this journey. I was feeling artsy one day and built this shelf in my room, it is painted sage green and has pink flowers all over it, I put some plants and a jewelry box inside. After I made it I thought “that is my style/ my aesthetic, it resonates with me and I love it.” A short time after, I got to the portion of Michael Singers teachings about false selves and it made me wonder…is that piece of art just an accumulation of what I have “falsely” identified with in my life? If so, what even is my art…the expression of false selves?
“A lot of Buddhist practices are designed for monastery life. So it’s hard to get too deep into it, but definitely helpful for lessening suffering.”
This is what I have suspected. I do not want to be a perfectionist about it because that is just another false self entering the equation. It is hard to live by certain things and not bother others.. if you see someone acting as a false self, asking you to do something, do you say no and call them out, ignore them or just do it?
“Surrendering and accepting things as they are is difficult! I always resist. I’m stubborn as a mule!”
Hahaha, I am stubborn too, although I identify more with a seaturtle, the sign given to me by the stars is a Bull, and I can’t argue with that.
“And some of these books about Buddhism. If you come back to them in a couple of years. Parts will make sense that didn’t make sense before.”
I can totally see this being true, it has already happened to me, this is the third time I read Untethered soul and it took till this time for me to actually see that Surrendering is the answer. Also, The Power of Now, I was given that book when I was 17 and I remember wanting to understand it so badly but I was just rereading the same thing over and over. But now I read and understand which is validating to growth!
Seaturtle and Bull
April 15, 2024 at 1:48 pm #431716seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
“If I was you, I would kindly (find a way) dis-invite P so that you can spend a pleasant woo-hoo birthday weekend with your roommate.”
This is what I want to do, but I am afraid of losing P as a friend if I do that, that I would be being a bad friend, wouldn’t I be?
“1- disinviting her, 2- talking with her in a limited time and place context”
I will start with option 2 and go from there. I have a feeling she will get defensive and if she does, and cannot see her negative behavior and commit to working on it, then I will attempt to disinvite her. It would be easier if I could have a conversation with her and she could remove herself from the trip, with awareness that she is not in a good place that would add to an environment. If I were feeling drained and negative, I would not want to suck the life out of a friends birthday weekend. Worst case scenario is that she acknowledges it and says she will do her best and still wants to come… how to work with that is my next question.
I understand the concept of either letting go, trying to change it or removing myself, anything beyond that is insanity.
Seaturtle
April 14, 2024 at 10:29 am #431688seaturtleParticipantDear Anita,
I acknowledge everything you said in your last post.
Seaturtle 🙂
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