May 11, 2023 at 6:59 am #418494
I have not talked about this to anyone, but I am sure may of you may have encountered this conundrum. I consider myself a person of principles–morally and ethically. Be it being one time, keeping my word, following the etiquette, giving respect to people and so on. Being genuine about my actions / responses is one traits that you can easily associate me with. I have read many books on diplomacy and how it can work wonders with people around you. Even though I try to emulate this in bits and pieces, I find it difficult and almost stifling when it comes to the real deal. Its a task for me to accept people who do not match or reciprocate the values that I am imbibed with- in fact i rarely see people who could match the same set of values and principles. This may be one of the reasons that I have limited number of friends and prefer not get mixed much in different social circles. Most if not all are least bothered about the things that I care the most, but I find it a very difficult to be elusive. It may be a form of OCD I believe, and I really don’t want to jeopardize my social relationship due to this. I always wonder if others have the same line of thought as mine and if caring less is the way to overcome this. but don’t you guys think being genuine is a priceless trait?May 11, 2023 at 9:40 am #418501
The positive traits that you mention like being on time make you a an ideal employee, workmate or friend ( you can be counted on) are great. It is annoying when others time keeping is somewhat lackadaisical. We also need good traits like patience, wisdom & compassion otherwise we can easily become hypercritical.
There is an old saying you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.
We have acquaintances, childhood friends, casual friends, good friends & best friends these may all become interchangeable over our lifetime. Also social media warps the view of how many “friends” we should have. Whats wrong with quality over quantity anyway?May 12, 2023 at 12:25 pm #418543BrandyParticipant
You’ve listed many of your qualities (a person of moral and ethical principles, someone who is on-time, keeps his word, follows etiquette, is respectful to others, etc.), and as wonderful as they all are, I wonder if you may be over-identifying with them. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing that you have all of these noble qualities but do they really make up your truest self? Your truest self emerges once you drop the labels, step outside the constant stream of thoughts within your mind, and just be. This will allow you to be more at peace with yourself and others, and you’ll experience more joy.
BMay 14, 2023 at 10:48 pm #418751
Thanks for your reply. As you correctly said, traits like patience and compassion is definitely important and I have identified that I am no so good at these qualities. This is something that I need to work upon, especially the patience part of it. And I guess being judgemental about others is also not helping me, especially in the family circles. At times I feel my patience is weaning out trying to be nice to everyone.May 15, 2023 at 4:24 am #418756
If you start to know yourself well it will help with strengthen your patience muscle. For instance when we are tired or hungry we have less tolerance. If you realise that after about say three hours being with family/friends your capacity is dropping then the next time try calling it quits after 2 hours so that you leave feeling good about them. Setting the aspiration to be patient before you meet up is a good. Read & learn about why it is good to have these qualities and how to foster themMay 15, 2023 at 8:13 am #418758TeeParticipant
And I guess being judgemental about others is also not helping me, especially in the family circles. At times I feel my patience is weaning out trying to be nice to everyone.
Actually, I don’t think you need to be nice to everyone. I mean, you can never please everybody – there will be always people who won’t like you, even if you are a great guy, and even if you are nice to them. There are rude people, or people with their own issues, who project things on you… anyway, the hard truth is that you can never be liked by everyone.
Its a task for me to accept people who do not match or reciprocate the values that I am imbibed with- in fact i rarely see people who could match the same set of values and principles.
You mean people are rude and impolite with you, are late for appointments, don’t keep their word, don’t respect you, are dishonest? (what I listed would be the opposite of the values that you are imbibed with)
If they are, you don’t need to be nice to them. You need to perhaps talk to them and clarify that their behavior is rude, specially if they are family. You don’t need to spare them from the truth. If other people are rude and disrespectful to you, you can set boundaries with them too. No need to be nice with bullies, for example.
Most if not all are least bothered about the things that I care the most, but I find it a very difficult to be elusive.
If you care about treating people with kindness, and others don’t and are treating others rudely, then you have the right to speak up and not be elusive.
A different issue is if others don’t share your political views, and this is what triggers you and you have a hard time being polite. That’s when you would profit from more patience and diplomacy. However, if what bothers you is people being rude and disrespectful, then you don’t need to tolerate it but can do something to address it.May 15, 2023 at 9:29 pm #418782
Thanks for your reply. The traits that you are mentioned are very natural to me. I mean, I may not be trying hard to be morally correct at every encounter that I have with my peers. As you correctly stated implicitly, expectation from others also contributes to the situation.May 15, 2023 at 10:52 pm #418783
[quote quote=418756] If you start to know yourself well it will help with strengthen your patience muscle. If you realise that after about say three hours being with family/friends your capacity is dropping then the next time try calling it quits after 2 hours so that you leave feeling good about them. Setting the aspiration to be patient before you meet up is a good.[/quote]
Hi Roberta, This definitely helps. I appreciate the suggestions. It may a tad more difficult when it comes to dealing with family I presume. How do you think things can be changed even if the matters of concern have been communicated explicitly? I don’t think setting low / no expectations is would help.May 16, 2023 at 4:23 am #418790
You talk of matters of concern have been communicated explicitly. What are these matters and are they your concerns or another family members concerns?May 17, 2023 at 5:32 am #418823
Thanks for your reply
“If they are, you don’t need to be nice to them. You need to perhaps talk to them and clarify that their behavior is rude, specially if they are family. You don’t need to spare them from the truth. If other people are rude and disrespectful to you, you can set boundaries with them too. No need to be nice with bullies, for example.”
This is where I feel we need to separate family from peers. As Roberta rightly said, we cannot choose our family. I am very forthright, which may not be the best trait at all junctures. I would still be alright with dealing with people being impolite, as its always easier to walk away and my reason is also justified.May 17, 2023 at 5:46 am #418824
You talk of matters of concern have been communicated explicitly. What are these matters and are they your concerns or another family members concerns?
I may be digressing a bit, but let me try to explain. What is the best way to get around situations wherein your family members/member is constantly making you late, is very tardy and tepid, has/have not got hygiene standards as yours, is very poor at planning, may not reciprocate to your concerns , is not forthcoming as you are … .. This may be in spite of the several conversations that you have had with them on the subject matter. This would subsequently turn into a feeling of imposition and eventually lead to relationship fatigue, isn’t it?May 17, 2023 at 6:44 am #418825
Yes those things can be frustrating. For those who are perpetually late just ask them to turn up half an hour before you actually want them to be there and say you will meet them inside at the venue that way you wont miss out. Or if they are inviting you around for supper, but it takes them hours to serve the meal have a snack before to stop the hangry effect. If you find there kitchen hygiene hard to stomach suggest eating out, maybe trying somewhere new or a shared offering between lots of you and just diplomatically and stealthy give their culinary dish a wide berth.May 17, 2023 at 7:26 am #418827TeeParticipant
This is where I feel we need to separate family from peers. As Roberta rightly said, we cannot choose our family.
It is true that we cannot choose our family. However, we can still separate ourselves, or not be completely enmeshed and dependent on them, if possible. Roberta gave some great examples of how you can still interact with problematic family members, and yet make it more on your terms, with conditions that are more acceptable to you, so you don’t get too upset and perhaps overreact.
wherein your family members/member is constantly making you late
Based on how you phrased it, this seems like a situation where you go somewhere together with this family member, and they are either driving you to the location, or you are the driver but feel obliged to wait for them, which results in being late to the appointment. If that’s the case, and you’ve already talked to them but to no avail, perhaps you can try something different. For example, if you are driving, you can tell them to be on time or you’ll leave without them (and you mean it). Or if they are driving, you can find an alternative mode of transportation, so you don’t dependent on them.
My point is: the less dependent you are on the person, i.e. the more you can find alternatives for interacting, which make you less dependent on them – the less helpless you’ll feel, and therefore, less triggered too.May 17, 2023 at 7:59 am #418828HelcatParticipant
Our values are dependent on our beliefs. Everyone has different ones! Everyone has difficulties. Some have difficulties with time keeping. You’ve noted that you have difficulties with patience and compassion.
If you’ve repeatedly talked to someone about an issue and they haven’t resolved it, it might just be a matter of accepting who they are.
For my sister, if she says that she will be ready at a time. I know my sister. She’s got difficulties with time keeping. I figure that she will be an hour or two late. Expecting that she will be late and planning for that means that I don’t have to wait around for her.
Are there any specific thoughts or feelings that come up when people don’t meet your principles? Sometimes people can feel that others don’t value their time for example if they’re consistently late.
Self-soothing is an important skill when other people upset us because honestly, we all have to deal with inconveniences at times caused by others.May 23, 2023 at 9:20 pm #419105
Hi Roberta & Tee
Appreciate your suggestions to get around such situations. To be more direct, this may be difficult to improvise in case these challenges that you face is with your spouse- don’t you guys think so? Even though you try your level best to avoid confrontations, it seems sooner or later you may encounter the scenarios that I have listed– and may not be avoidable. This is where I take a hit- you just literally cannot walk away/ avoid , after all its your family.