May 23, 2023 at 9:52 pm #419106
Thank you for putting forward an alternate thought, you are completely right. It takes time to accept the way people are, especially if they are polar opposite to values that you believe in.
“Are there any specific thoughts or feelings that come up when people don’t meet your principles?”
I am always engrossed in planning things to mitigate the effects of being late , house being cluttered etc… This has taken a toll on me, I feel I am always in fire-fighting mode. I feel am under tremendous stress to make things aligned to my values. As you rightly hinted, I feel I am being taken for granted. ” Self Soothing” is something that is new to me, I think i should read more about that.May 24, 2023 at 6:56 am #419113HelcatParticipant
I can empathise with feeling taken for granted.
You sound like someone who puts a lot of effort into caring for others. It can feel quite bad when others don’t reciprocate. Especially when you are trying so hard to meet other people’s needs.
It’s okay to take a break and have some time for yourself when you need to. Self-care is one way of self-soothing. Making sure that your needs are being taken care of. If you find yourself getting stressed and you’re hungry a small snack can settle emotions. Any hobbies that you enjoy and find relaxing can be helpful too. Everyone’s needs and preferences are unique. Some people find bathing relaxing.
Have you ever heard of love languages? Some people have different preferences for how they give and receive love. Some include, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation and gift giving.
What do you think your style is? From what you’ve said, you strike me as someone who values acts of service and quality time. What do you think?
I bring this up because your loved ones may be trying to show you love and care in other ways. Learning to identify and value other peoples acts of love can be quite reassuring. Do you notice any specific ways that your family shows love?
For example, my sister might be late. But we see each other regularly and spend plenty of time together. She makes sure that I’m well fed and have plenty to drink when I visit her. She shows her care in a slightly different way. Thinking about these things would be an emotional form of self soothing.
It’s really tricky when it comes to the amount of effort put into things because some people don’t put in as much effort as others for a variety of reasons. Some people don’t see being messy as being a problem. Some might value their wellbeing as opposed to working very hard and stressing themselves out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t care though or appreciate how much effort that you choose to out in.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏May 24, 2023 at 11:06 am #419128
To be more direct, this may be difficult to improvise in case these challenges that you face is with your spouse- don’t you guys think so?
Yes, it’s trickier if it’s your spouse. You can’t just leave, and besides, maybe you shouldn’t either, but rather see things through a slightly different perspective. Helcat made an excellent remark about different people expressing their love differently. So even if someone is messy and unorganized, they may have other qualities that you appreciate, and other ways of expressing their love.
Even though you say your spouse is the polar opposite of you in some aspects, she still may be a good, honest person, with a kind heart. So instead of focusing on her drawbacks, perhaps you can learn to accept them, and appreciate her for her other qualities.
Of course, everything has its limits, so if she completely disregards your concerns and doesn’t even want to hear you out, that’s another thing. If you feel disrespected in your marriage, that’s a problem.
But if she simply has different priorities, this doesn’t mean she disrespects you. In that case, maybe it would help to talk to her and express appreciation for all of her good qualities, and also ask her to try to be more punctual, because it means a lot to you. So basically, you approach her with a different attitude: that of appreciation and acceptance, instead of judgment and rejection. This might cause a shift in her too, and more willingness to pay attention to things that are important to you.
What do you say?May 29, 2023 at 9:30 am #419472
Thank you for your kind words. I would not consider myself selfless,however most of the things that I enjoy doing benefits others in some way or the other. I consider myself very organized and planned and I do get disappointed when I do not get the necessary support whenever needed. I would consider my family very supportive in giving me my own space, I do not see that very common especially when you have little kids. I am fortunate to have enough time for the things that I love doing. However, I also want to be a role model to my kids and imbibe the necessary values and principles that I follow.
It’s really tricky when it comes to the amount of effort put into things because some people don’t put in as much effort as others for a variety of reasons. Some people don’t see being messy as being a problem. Some might value their well being as opposed to working very hard and stressing themselves out.
This is so true in my case, however I think I fail to see the good in them. I may be just overthinking and inviting unwanted stress in my life.May 29, 2023 at 9:36 am #419473
Thanks for the reply.
So even if someone is messy and unorganized, they may have other qualities that you appreciate, and other ways of expressing their love
Completely agree on this. I might not be seeing the good in them .
she still may be a good, honest person, with a kind heart
No second thoughts on this, absolutely spot on.
In that case, maybe it would help to talk to her and express appreciation for all of her good qualities
As you may have already understood, I may not be the patient one here, I have my own challenges.I guess I will try the approach that you mentioned. Hoping for the best, thanksMay 29, 2023 at 10:34 pm #419483
you are welcome, glad it helped.
No second thoughts on this, absolutely spot on.
Happy to hear that your spouse is a “good, honest person, with a kind heart.”
I would consider my family very supportive in giving me my own space, I do not see that very common especially when you have little kids. I am fortunate to have enough time for the things that I love doing.
What I am also hearing is that she is supportive in giving you your own space. She also respects your need to have time for your own hobbies. All this is telling me that she is supportive (at least in some aspects), tolerant and flexible. Would you agree?
You said you may have a problem seeing the good in your spouse (I might not be seeing the good in them). I hope that you can now see the good qualities that your wife possesses: good-hearted, supportive, tolerant and flexible.
You also said you want your children to be imbibed with the qualities you find important and that you yourself possess: punctuality, order and organization (I also want to be a role model to my kids and imbibe the necessary values and principles that I follow).
I think that besides the qualities you cherish, your children should adopt some of the qualities your wife possesses too. Because both set of qualities are important.
So perhaps if you start appreciating your wife for her qualities, it will not only bring you closer to her, but will also help your children adopt those good qualities that she possesses.
I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best! Let us know how it went, if you choose to have that conversation with your wife…May 30, 2023 at 10:12 am #419501HelcatParticipant
It’s good to hear that your family are supportive in giving you your space when you need it. It’s lovely to her that your wife is a good honest person with a kind heart.
The thing about people in general is that they tend to take on traits of people that they spend time with. We’re all kind of a mish mash of experiences we’ve shared with other people.
The good thing is that values change over time and what is important to someone who is younger can be dramatically different when they get older. Simply by remembering the lessons you teach them, watching you being responsible, hardworking and caring for others. One day they may understand the importance of it even though they might not understand it now.
It sounds like you are worried about them. The good qualities that you have are important for survival in this world. Perhaps it’s not so much not seeing the good, but concern and a touch of frustration at times? Which is understandable!June 6, 2023 at 11:29 pm #419805
All this is telling me that she is supportive (at least in some aspects), tolerant and flexible. Would you agree?
Very tolerant and flexible, patient to the core. I am now tying to take things easier on me rather than making a paradigm. What I understand is this might be a phase and things would get fine with times as is the case with any couple/ family. I think I should prepare myself to face even more difficult situations as we move forward, its always better than getting overwhelmed.Thanks you for your supportive ideas and words of encouragement.June 7, 2023 at 12:01 am #419806
Completely Eco your thoughts. The traits that I have developed overtime is mainly due to the influence of my parents, its something that I absorbed eventually and not because they forced me to. As mentioned in the trailing post, I thing this is just a phase and things change over time which you have correctly mentioned. Once again, thank you for the suggestions and advice.June 7, 2023 at 1:29 am #419808
Very tolerant and flexible, patient to the core.
glad to hear your wife has those good qualities too.
What I understand is this might be a phase and things would get fine with times as is the case with any couple/ family.
That’s quite possible. As the children grow up, priorities change too, and the dynamic in your family might change as well. Perhaps your wife is rather burdened at the moment and has other priorities (related to child care) instead of being on time always. But this might change later, as the circumstances change.
I think I should prepare myself to face even more difficult situations as we move forward, its always better than getting overwhelmed
Well, as the children hit puberty, parenting may get more challenging. Don’t know if that’s applicable to your situation, but yes, it’s better to expect things to be less than perfect than to be frustrated when they’re not.
Thanks you for your supportive ideas and words of encouragement.
You are very welcome, Tom. Wishing you and your family all the best!