Forum Replies Created
You are welcome, and I don’t think you are being stubborn at all. Like you, I’m not nearly enlightened either, but I’ve had enough glimpses to know I’m on the right track. Pay attention to the glimpses. 🙂
BApril 11, 2021 at 5:32 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377514
Your perspective on the possibility of being on the spectrum makes a lot sense to me. I guess another benefit of having a diagnosis (in addition to what you’ve listed) would be that you could then get communication and social skills therapy designed specifically for Asperger’s individuals…but you could get similar therapy without a diagnosis too, I suppose. Anyway, I get what you’re saying. You make a lot of sense to me.
I’m so impressed with you, ninibee. As I’ve posted before on these forums, the people I admire most are those who, in the midst of difficult challenges, keep searching for the right paths to take, and that is you.
Yesterday Anita posted to you:
Your intelligence and perseverance on your various threads is evidence, in my mind, that you can do a lot of healing and that if you persist, by the time you are in your mid-twenties, you will be in a much, much better place, having your own space, a healthier mental space as well as practically, your own home.
I think it’s time to enroll in college, choose a subject matter that feels most interesting, something most likely to trigger some passion in you, and enroll, I say!
…both excellent, I say!
I am still carrying a huge burden and no matter what I tell myself or what I try to do, it’s still there…I have not found the magic formula where I can fully let go and just be present.
The more negative emotion there is in a person’s “story”, the more impenetrable it becomes. In other words, Felix, you are completely trapped within the thoughts and emotions associated with your “huge burden” that stepping outside of it is impossible because you don’t even know there is an outside. You are trapped within your own horror movie.
The “magic formula” is to recognize that there is an outside to the horror movie and to go there. Step outside of it. How? First, by recognizing that’s it’s only a movie that you keep playing in your head. Next, when it starts playing, immediately begin focusing on your breathing which will bring you back to the present moment.
You need to commit to these two steps over and over and over again every single day. Soon they’ll become a habit, and before you know it you’ll stop identifying with the horror movie, the huge burden you are carrying, almost like it happened to someone else. Free yourself from your burden, Felix.
BApril 10, 2021 at 8:42 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377467
I’m sorry that rereading that thread upset you. With regard to the situation with the guy who blocked you on FB, I hope you can let that go. We’ve all done things we wish we could undo. It’s part of being human. If I were to think of all the times I’ve messed up, it’d be too much for me, would ruin my day for sure, so I choose to forgive myself. I say to myself I’m a human and humans make mistakes.
There is one bit of info within that earlier thread that I find especially interesting. It was when you told TB member Inky that you’ve always thought it’s possible that you are on the Asperger’s spectrum and that you’ve never spoken about it to anyone. Is this something you would want to know? Being on the spectrum would explain your difficulties with social interactions. What do you think?
BApril 10, 2021 at 6:56 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377462
I just now re-read the correspondence you and I had on your thread titled “Am I too sensitive? Being blocked on Facebook”, and at no point did I find you disagreeable, unlikable, or uninteresting. In fact, I admire you for your openness, honesty, intelligence, and willingness to reach out and ask for help.
Our minds sometimes play tricks on us, make us believe things that are inaccurate. This happens to everyone. It’s important to be aware that this happens.
You mentioned that you are afraid to go back and reread your posts but I wish you would consider doing it. I wish you’d reread our entire correspondence to each other in that earlier thread. If you do, I think you’ll see for yourself that you are not disagreeable, unlikable, or uninteresting, and that I’m honest with you, think highly of you, and want to help you. Did anything that I wrote to you in that earlier thread resonate? If so, what?
BApril 9, 2021 at 9:11 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377427
Like Anita, I have communicated with you before and don’t remember you as disagreeable, dislikable, or uninteresting. I have thought about you several times, hoping you would eventually return to your thread. I’m glad you came back to TB. What has been happening in your life since we last communicated?
You say you’ve “let go” but you continue to be under an enormous amount of stress. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. I wonder if the tasks you are undertaking are too much for you, Felix, making your goals seem unreachable and causing you to lose a sense of future.
You may have heard of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist/psychiatrist who was a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps of WWII where several of his family members, including his pregnant wife, perished. Life in the concentration camps taught Viktor that our main motivation in life is not pleasure, power or wealth but rather meaning. He believed that we can discover this meaning in life by “the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering” and that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing…to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Felix, it’s easier to have a positive outlook during hard times when there’s hope that your situation will eventually improve, but you seem to have lost all hope. You don’t have a good attitude about your situation because you don’t see an end to it. Your goals seem unreachable and you’ve lost a sense of future.
Is it time to set different goals?
I think I understand how you feel.
All my friends are enjoying their lives with their wives and children, spending time in the backyards and traveling the world
Felix, do you realize that all of these good things in your friends’ lives are threatened by collapse every single moment of the day? At any given instant one of your friends could acquire a terminal illness or have an accident or have a spouse leave or lose a job, a house, or even worse a child. Sooner or later distress will invade everyone’s life through sickness, accident, loss, death, etc. It happens to everyone. When you find a partner, Felix, there’s no guarantee that your relationship will last;. in fact, I can guarantee it will not last either through a break-up or eventual death, either of which will create distress for you, your partner, or both.
I don’t know how to not mind my distress.
At 43 years old you’ve endured a lot. The distress you feel is warranted. We all experience distress at some point. If we aren’t feeling it now, we’ll feel it later, so we’d better get comfortable with the whole idea of feeling distressed. Even when all is resolved for you and you experience a distress-free period, life will happen and, well, cause you more distress. So, Felix, you may reach a point in your life when you say to yourself I’m feeling distressed but it’s okay because I’ve felt distressed before and I’ll feel distressed again so I’m going to decide not to mind feeling distressed anymore because by fighting this feeling of distress I’m creating another layer of unhappiness within myself.
Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose?
I’ve enjoyed reading through this thread and I found your “metaphor kung fu” comment very funny. On a more serious note, in your most recent post you shared: I lost my health, most of my savings, my home, my wife, my job, had cancer, had to file for bankruptcy, and many other things went wrong…I am afraid I’ll break one of these days, and the title of your thread is Where to find strength. Maybe strength starts to materialize once you allow the feelings you have to just be there. In other words, by being distressed about your distress, you are creating another level of distress. What if you decide that you don’t mind your distress anymore? What happens then?
You’re welcome, and I’m glad the shame you felt earlier has dissipated. I agree that it’s important to listen to your son. Keep being a stable, calm and honest person in his life while also protecting your own boundaries with him, and then try to shift your focus to your own daily peace and happiness.
I’m sorry to read that the relationship with your son is broken but based on our earlier communication I support the difficult decisions you’ve had to make. We parents make plenty of mistakes so we take responsibility for them and try to do better, but we can’t always control what happens. Parent-child estrangements are painful and common. I’m so sorry you’re no longer in touch with your grandchild, but this is not your choice. It’s out of your control.
Your son is now a new father and will make his own parenting mistakes, like separating his child from a loving grandmother. Eventually, he’ll figure it out.
In the mean time, may your siblings provide the comfort you need when you tell them of the sadness you feel.
I read Anita’s recent post and I don’t believe she means any disrespect. She studies and analyzes posts in order to fully understand a situation before offering her advice, but parts of your story don’t make sense to her. It’s possible that you honestly described exactly what happened to you the way you understand it. It’s also possible that you intentionally left out details that you felt were not relevant to the story. Or maybe you intentionally left out or changed parts that you were uncomfortable sharing on a public forum. A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing certain details, KayCee, and that doesn’t make them dishonest people at all. I don’t think Anita is implying that you are a dishonest person. I think she’s saying that if you would like her help then you’ll need to fill in some blanks so that your story makes more sense to her. In other words, although she fully respects your right to not share what you’re not comfortable sharing, she can’t offer her help if your story doesn’t make sense to her.
Thanks, KayCee, I am well. Hope you are too!
B 🙂February 15, 2021 at 12:02 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374700
You’re welcome, and I agree that TB is a great place to get advice.
I really like what you posted above about loneliness; rings so true to me. You’ve been lonely for a very long time and your coworker represented a way out from all this loneliness. You’re stuck at home tele-working in an isolated area during a pandemic and you crave social interactions, just like anyone would.
I need to refocus on finding another job out of this isolated area…
Exactly, Ryan. Keep at it. I hope you’re able to find a new job and relocate soon. Hang in there.
BFebruary 8, 2021 at 7:02 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374352
That’s great news from the doctor, Ryan! Thanks for the update.