Forum Replies Created
When the information we share with another person is upsetting to that person, he/she may resent us for it and not want to be around us anymore. When that happens, it’s important to respect that person’s boundaries no matter how heartbreaking it is for us.
Do the right thing and don’t send the letter.
Hi KayCee – How are you doing? -B
We all make mistakes and I think everyone deserves another chance. Am I thinking bad?
No, you are right, we all make mistakes but I don’t believe that what’s happening here are “mistakes”. I think this guy has a serious character flaw that will prevent him from having an honest and healthy relationship with anyone. I believe that your low self-esteem coupled with your strong desire to have a “happy ending” with this man are distorting your perception of this situation.
I also understand how difficult it would be for you to end a relationship that you’ve invested a whole year into and that you believe is headed toward marriage.
If you had a younger sister whom you love very much who was in your situation, what advice would you give to her?
I feel like I’m in a game against two people….I want to try to be smart and turn “the game” against her… But how do I do this? I feel that my self-esteem is so low… I’m going crazy with this situation… What can I do?
You want to turn the game against her? I hope you leave the game instead! This guy’s totally untrustworthy! If he’s contacting other women only one year into this relationship then he’ll continue to do so for many years to come. This is who he is. Are you willing to settle for a guy like this?
I think I counted at least 3 times he’s lied to you. It doesn’t matter how caring he was at the beginning of the relationship or how many times he brought you flowers. How many more lies will it take before you realize that it’s time to move on and find a decent, trustworthy guy? Zero, I hope.
Leave this guy.
The answers you’ve received are all so good, and may I just say that whenever I read from Peter I walk away inspired. “Letting go” is about accepting and observing each thought instead of resisting or identifying with it. If your thoughts consist of problems that you are resisting or identifying with then you will suffer.
For example, say you’ve had a falling out with a close friend because she made a terribly hurtful comment to you, and every time you think about it you relive the suffering of this experience. You may think that one solution to this problem would be to not think about her making the comment to you (resist the thought), but this rarely works because we can’t control our thoughts, so an alternative is to accept that you’re having the thought but choose to not relive the suffering. This can be accomplished by envisioning her making the same hurtful comment to a random person instead of you. In other words, become an objective observer of the situation happening to someone else, like watching two people interacting in a movie. You may feel angry, sad, and sympathetic but there’s some space now between you and the situation meaning less personal suffering for you, right? By observing the situation from this detached perspective you still feel feelings but experience less suffering. Now go ahead and insert yourself back into the situation, and take a deep breath. Objectively observe the situation happening to you just like you did earlier to the random person. How do you feel now? You see and hear the hurtful comment being made to you, and you fully accept that this thought is now in your head and you choose not to resist it, but this time do you identify with the thought a little less than before? Do you feel a little less angry, sad, and hurt? If so, you now have an awareness that you have the ability to observe yourself from a detached perspective and still feel feelings but experience less suffering. Over time the hurt/suffering from the situation may become less and less until it disappears altogether. It doesn’t happen instantaneously; it happens over time. To me, this is “letting go”.
As Peter says, “Letting go is not a state of indifference or forgetting…Its a process of growth as we bravely observe the experience…”
You are very welcome, JoJo.
How are you making sure everyone is aware that this problem can occur?
I told them about your first post so that when they’re purchasing a new swimsuit they’ll be aware that this can occur. I learn a lot on this website and frequently share those things with them. Anyway, like me, they view this as more funny than serious, and thankfully we all have dark or colorful swimsuits. 🙂
I predict that as time goes by this situation will become less significant for you. Do you think so too?
Thanks for the update. I hope your lunch today went very well. To answer your question, I think he’s a.o.k. and that this will not affect your friendship at all. It took guts to say what he did to you. I think he’s an honest and sincere person. If I were in your shoes I’d be very relaxed, happy, and friendly around him; show him that no harm was done. Sheer swim shorts could happen to anyone!
Your sharing your situation has been so helpful to me and I’m guessing other TB members as well. I now make sure that everyone in my family has high quality, non-sheer swimsuits! 🙂 I never thought about this before so thank you, JoJo.
And what a nice neighbor you have to put up a new light fixture for you today!
Thanks for the clarification, and I agree with you that what occurred is indeed very odd.
That’s an interesting experience. Is it possible that after you proceeded through the unexpected gap in the fence and continued your walk around the outer edges, a worker adjusted the fence so that there was no longer a gap that people could get through?
You are welcome, Kristine. 🙂
A guy in his 50’s is bound to have had several meaningful relationships, some with women he deeply loved who hurt him. That would be normal. Had he not shared with you the details of these two relationships then you likely wouldn’t feel the way you do. Divulging certain aspects of past relationships with a new partner is risky. He obviously thought it was safe to do so with you and never would have had he seen you as insecure or sensitive.
You say “I never question his love for me or his commitment to me.” This guys sounds amazing and he’s with you because he wants you.
Many feel anxious about voicing their political opinions for fear of being disrespected, disliked, teased (like you were), or ostracized. It’s especially troubling in the workplace. I choose to not engage and I’m always amazed when people make statements that reveal their assumption that I share their position on a particular issue (because only an idiot would have an opposing position to theirs, right? :/ ) It’s the strangest thing. Maybe not knowing my position creates discomfort for them and it’s a passive-aggressive attempt to get the information they want in order to feel more comfortable. Don’t take the bait, Debbie! Follow your dad’s advice, don’t engage, and don’t worry about what happened in the lunchroom that day. I’ve a hunch there are others in your office who are afraid to reveal their true thoughts.
Feeling excluded from inside political jokes and knowing others are watching what they say around you are both painful experiences. Gain strength in knowing that you are not alone. Continue to think things out for yourself, and be friendly, respectful yet also confident around those who disagree with you politically.
You are welcome, and you have a good day too!
Your MIL makes snide, hurtful remarks to you yet you’re expected to be kind to her because it’s your culture? And you’re also expected to ask your husband’s family for permission to see your own parents? No wonder you’re unhappy, Tridha.
Is marriage counseling an option? Perhaps a professional can explain to both you and your husband just how damaging your MIL’s abusive and controlling behaviors are to your emotional well being.