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- This topic has 52 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 day, 22 hours ago by Peter.
May 3, 2023 at 5:26 pm #418152AnonymousInactive
emotions were always something weird to me, i don’t fully comprehend how exactly to deal with them.
i think that i have a horrible way to regulate my feelings, i sometimes laugh when im sad, the last time that i creid was months ago and i had to force myself under the sheet of my bed with pillow of my face, i sometimes don’t beleive that i have a belief inside that say “crying is for weak people” or something along the line that makes me not want to cry, and because of that it just feels good when i hold the tears, that and me constantly being lost in thought, and my constant laughing, makes crying bit hard, most of the time i just don’t feel sad in a way that requires tears
i see life in an absurd way, i don’t think i respect it, nor do i respect my feelings, i think i pick whatever feelings that i allow or respect, i respect any feeling that has a purpose, but some feelings has no real purpose, they create “unnecessary suffering” and i think i just laugh when they appear.
one of the reasons i laugh i think, is that i see everything as a challenge, everything is a test to prove that im capable, to further increase my ego, i don’t know why, i think one of the reason is that i had to find meaning to my intrusive thoughts, they are the best challenge, because they target the person values, whatever i value i get intursive thoughts about, i laughed mostly when i get intursive thoughts, thinking my mind is trying to bother me, i always felt like this, like my mind is always trying to bother me and i shouldn’t let “him”.
consciously i beleive in the idea that there is no self, but what i just said and how i live compelety follows the opposite direction of this idea.
i let myself feel the bad feelings, i don’t push them, i don’t interact with them, sometimes i even enjoy them, but im left with a side effect, i want someone to lessen the pain, why im not doing that ? how do i do that ? i seem to not want it from me, i feel like its connected to my early childhood where i was left alone when i was in pain, and i constantly want the other gender to relieve the pain.
i don’t think i love myself, although i contstanly feel guilty about not doing enough for myself, infact i think i dislike myself, i still can’t look in the past without being disgusted, i didn’t do anything wrong, but i put myself in alot of pain, and i understand why.
i seems to enjoy having bad feelings that i didn’t cause partly because they are a challenge, a test to see how i react, the test is not to ask help from people, not complain about nor to validate myself form the external world, sometiems i fail, and i do it in a way that isn’t very honset, i do it with different intention, sometiems its really hard for me to know what is my real intention, i did try to ask for extrnal help in the past, but it just made things worse, i seemed to want a very specfic thing when i ask for help, and its not anyone could give me, it has to be someone very close
i constantly feel the desire to show my pain to the other gender, to feed on thier sympathy and kindness, the desire is so strong i began to call it the addiction, its so strong that when i see the other gender , i feel a kind of pain, i want them to be mine, i tried to understand such pain, and i saw many feelings inside, longing and frustration were on top of the list, i feel it in a split second that i don’t know how to process not feel it, most of my days is just escaping such addiction and not let it have the control.
i apolgize for the long text of unordered thoughts, my mind seems to work this way, i don’t know what i expect from this, i have insomnia and i just felt like i should do something different for a change, thank you for your attentionMay 5, 2023 at 3:00 am #418197
i think that i have a horrible way to regulate my feelings, i sometimes laugh when im sad
i sometimes beleive that i have a belief inside that say “crying is for weak people”
i see life in an absurd way, i don’t think i respect it, nor do i respect my feelings… some feelings has no real purpose, they create “unnecessary suffering” and i think i just laugh when they appear.
It could be that your emotions were not validated when you were a child, or perhaps you were told that “crying is for weak people”. And so you don’t want to express sadness but you laugh instead. Because crying was not allowed, or you were ridiculed for it?
its connected to my early childhood where i was left alone when i was in pain,
There was no one to soothe your pain, and we as children desperately need to be soothed when we are in pain. That’s how we learn to later soothe our own pain, in adulthood.
Now you naturally want someone to soothe your pain. You do feel pain (even if you don’t allow yourself to cry), and you want to be soothed. And you’re craving for someone of the opposite sex to do it. So I guess a romantic interest, right?
That’s all very natural – we want our emotional needs to be met. If our parents weren’t able to meet our emotional needs, we as adults crave for a romantic partner to do it. You say your craving and desire is strong, you call it addiction (the desire is so strong i began to call it the addiction). That’s normal too – our longing for love and care is so strong, that it’s almost like an addiction.
i want someone to lessen the pain, why im not doing that ? how do i do that ?
I think you’d first need to acknowledge that you have legitimate emotional needs, which weren’t met in your childhood. Your need to be soothed when you are in pain is one such basic need. And it’s completely valid. You shouldn’t judge yourself for it. So allow yourself to feel pain, allow yourself to cry – because crying is healing. It’s not just for weak people.
Also, do you have an option to attend therapy? I think having someone to serve as a good, compassionate parent figure, who will hear you out and mirror your feelings – is what you’d need. A good therapist can fulfill that role.May 5, 2023 at 12:06 pm #418204AnonymousInactive
hi tee thanks for your respone
And so you don’t want to express sadness but you laugh instead
i do think there is part of me that doesn’t like expressing sadness (crying), but i actually laugh sometimes, the ideas that come in my head during the time that i feel sad sometimes makes me laugh, for example, one time i felt sad about something that i don’t think that matters, or that doesn’t has purpose, i sort of laugh about it in my head or rather don’t respect it, like i just make fun of it, i understand that feelings are short, and i know that from experience, i don’t push them, but i supose i don’t respect them most of the time, especially if they were produced by an event that i find absurd, and im sensitive person.
And you’re craving for someone of the opposite sex to do it. So I guess a romantic interest, right?
we as adults crave for a romantic partner to do it
shouldn’t i do it ? shouldn’t i not need a person to not feel pain ? sounds very dependent
that’s normal too – our longing for love and care is so strong, that it’s almost like an addiction.
yes i do agree, i see alot of people seek love in a different way and in spectrum, but it shouldn’t be painful if i don’t, but i suppose if we are talking about wether its normal or not, im very normal in this way, i know many people have different intensity of the addiction
I think you’d first need to acknowledge that you have legitimate emotional needs
on the first time reading this i was gonna respone “i do” but then i thought “what are emotional needs?”
i serached it up, and i don’t think i ever cared about those, they seem…. like a luxury especially to me, and especially that most of them requires external (people)
i do feel the need to be validate once and awhile, although i rarely ever give up to such need, i don’t like to be controlled by it, i don’t think i need validation, i honstely dislike the use of the word need, since it make it sounds urgent or necessary, but infact it is not
i believe that pain is inevitable part of life, and i try to reduce it as much as i can, but the only needs i define as needs is the ones that kill you if you don’t do them (or cause an intense pain)
So allow yourself to feel pain
i think i do, i try not to push it
allow yourself to cry
how? the only way i can do it is if i really foucs and force myself to, it defeats the point of emotion or my beleif towrds emotion which is (natural flow), it also doesn’t feel good, but thats not an issue (not feeling good), the issue is that im making myself not feel good on purpose, i don’t know where i read or heard this about crying, but it was mentioned and it stuck in my head, that i should force myself until i feel comfortable, which i do feel guilty about for not trying much, but my sadness is short, and i don’t take in much seriousness.
because crying is healing. It’s not just for weak people.
i don’t beleive that consciously, but i think i do in some deeper level or unconsciously if you might say, it would make sense to why i don’t cry
Also, do you have an option to attend therapy?
no sadly, but i do sometimes picture the idea, and i feel like if i was put in a position to have that, i would go for the opposite sex therapist, and only use it for my own emotional needs, i don’t think i care much beyond understanding myself, i seem to value a life of naturality, i do like change, but a natureal kind of change, when the desire comes from within, it rarely does for me, unless i was put in an intense kind of painMay 8, 2023 at 8:33 am #418372
A refreshing post
Reminded me of a high school moment. A Summer night I was with group of friends and girl friend who sometime during the night was making out with another close friend of mine. What I remember is my other friends being concerned as they assumed I knew and I remember thinking oh they need me to be upset. That night as I lay in bed that night I had this odd sensation wondering where emotions came from. It wasn’t that I wasn’t hurt, disappointed… mostly confused, emotions were present but not.
In that moment its possible I was in a kind of shock were I dissociated myself from the experience, only in bed that night I remember it more as a moment of clarity – we experience emotions for many reasons, but we are not our emotions.
Begging the questions what are these things we call emotions and where and what was this thing I experienced as ‘self’ that experienced them.May 9, 2023 at 11:04 am #418461BrandyParticipant
I have experienced something very similar to what Peter described. In my situation, I wondered later in my life if my “disassociation” was about protecting myself from hurt and embarrassment. Emotions were there but there was a level of detachment also.
BMay 11, 2023 at 3:17 am #418495
we experience emotions for many reasons, but we are not our emotions.
Begging the questions what are these things we call emotions and where and what was this thing I experienced as ‘self’ that experienced them.
True, we’re not our emotions, and we’re not our thoughts either. A Portuguese neuroscientist Antonio Damasio has a very interesting theory (backed by his clinical experience), which says that emotions are key in decision making, i.e. that they help us make decisions. They are a complement to reasoning.
He studied patients with brain injury, specifically the injury of a part of the neocortex called the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC). He observed that those patients can do math and can speak articulately, however they lose their ability to relate to people, to read social cues and also to make decisions. Their lives fall apart, even if their intellectual abilities are intact.
He concluded that it’s because this part of the neocortex normally receives information from the lower parts of the brain (limbic and “reptilian”). If this information is not being transmitted, we’re not getting the emotional/danger cues, and we can’t make a decision on e.g. what is good for us in a certain situation. We can’t respond to danger properly either.
So he concludes that emotions are super important, even if they can be sometimes misleading (actually they can be misleading a lot of times, if we have a lot of unresolved issues that make us misinterpret things, get triggered easily etc). But still, he concludes that emotions are crucial for our healthy functioning. He describes his findings in his book “Descartes’ Error”, if you’re interested in more details.
As for what is the Self that is experiencing emotions, that’s a good question. I guess it can’t be found in one particular part of the brain 🙂 I think it’s more of the mind and heart working in sync, but I guess mind and heart clear from false beliefs and emotional wounds… Anyway, I don’t want to get too philosophical, but I just wanted to share this view on emotions, which I think is quite profound.May 11, 2023 at 7:50 am #418498
Hi Brandy, I’ve often wonder if perhaps if what I experienced was a healthy detachment or a dissociation to protect myself. Could both be true at the same time?
I was reading about the Enneagram. Its suggests that you can’t change the type that you are. The task is to be mindful of your type so one might better spot its traps and gifts. A odd point they made was that though you can’t change your type it wasn’t the natural type you were born with. At some point something confronts our world view which causes us to compensate our natural type to our survival type. (Suggesting that Type can change however it seems when our blank slate of our natural being is written on its a WORM type programing – Wright Once, Read Many.) Since posting that memory I can’t help but think that moment was more impactful then I have considered. Seems detachment is the superpower of my Type but it is also its kryptonite, more comfortable as a observer then someone that engages in life and a hard lesson that indifference likes to disguise itself as detachment.
Enjoyed your post Tee. Perhaps it comes down to noticing when we have emotions and when our emotions have us. I might also argue that like our emotions the ‘ego’ has a important role to play in becoming. (also need to notice when our ego has us.) Seems we are more then the sum of our parts.
Read somewhere that the SELF is a circle without circumference which center is everywhere – each person, small s self (each thing?), is the center of the circle without circumference, the SELF – (G_d, Brahman-Atman…) When we look for the self we do not find it because were It only imagining ourselves separate from It. (Allan Watts like to joke the the Self liked to forget that it was IT so that it could delight It Self when It remembered… or something like that)
To love our neighbor as ourselves isn’t then a reflection of how we love ourselves, or not only that, but that our neighbor is also It and so also our Self. Begs the question what is Mind? LOLMay 11, 2023 at 10:08 am #418503
Richard Wagamese – says it better
“From our very first breath, we are in relationship. With that indrawn draft of air, we become joined to everything that ever was, is and ever will be. When we exhale, we forge that relationship by virtue of the act of living. Our breath commingles with all breath, and we are a part of everything. That’s the simple fact of things. We are born into a state of relationship. Relationships never end; they just change. In believing that lies the freedom to carry compassion, empathy, love, kindness and respect into and through whatever changes. We are made more by that practice.”
The sound of one hand clapping – AumMay 11, 2023 at 9:34 pm #418521BrandyParticipant
I suppose both could be true at the same time which is an interesting thought.
Regarding the Enneagram and that at some point something confronts our world view which causes us to compensate our natural type to our survival type, this rings true to me. For me personally I feel that my survival type is very different from my natural type. I haven’t taken the test but I’ve a hunch I was a born happy-go-lucky “Enthusiast” that evolved into a cautious “Reformer”. Lol
When you say “indifference likes to disguise itself as detachment”, do you mean that you may have been mostly indifferent to the events that transpired in your high school memory?
BMay 11, 2023 at 11:03 pm #418522
To love our neighbor as ourselves isn’t then a reflection of how we love ourselves, or not only that, but that our neighbor is also It and so also our Self.
Yes, we are all One…
A psychotherapist Richard Schwartz, founder of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, had been working with hundreds of people, who all said that when they unblend from all their parts (the protector part, the child part etc), what remains is their true self. What that observes all those other parts is the true self. And so Richard Schwartz began to call it the Self (with the capital S).
There is a beautiful youtube video by another therapist (Dr. Tori Olds), who explains our Self from that perspective, including the 8 characteristics of the Self. It’s titled “How to find yourself: The True Self in IFS therapy“. I think it’s worth watching. It kind of blends psychotherapy and spirituality when explaining our true self, and to me, it’s quite fascinating.May 11, 2023 at 11:06 pm #418523
* That what observes all those other parts is the true self.May 12, 2023 at 7:06 am #418531
Memory is a trickster so its not something I can be certain of. At the time that experience and others engendered questions more then answers not that I was fully mindful of that. At the age when Life happens I think such questions are filed away and it is only in hindsight that I sense that the questions were… being worked on. Having often fallen into the trap of indifference while trying to convince myself it was healthy detachment, I wonder about that period of my life.
Thanks for the Youtube recommendation. Intriguing thought that ‘what’ observes the parts is the true selfMay 12, 2023 at 7:26 am #418532
Intriguing thought that ‘what’ observes the parts is the true self
Yeah, many spiritual teachings say that the Observer is a part of our true self. And it makes total sense. I would even add “compassionate observer”. Because I believe our true self is not indifferent, but in fact cares. I hope it is so, I mean I hope God cares, and thus we, when we are in our true self, care too. So it’s not just indifferent observation, but compassionate observation. That’s what I’d like to believe anyway…May 12, 2023 at 8:56 am #418535
Thanks Tee for the introduction to Dr. Tori Olds. Makes me feel more hopeful for the future when I discover persons like Dr. Tori Olds.
I’ve been exploring ‘contemplation’ which also evolves the notion of the compassionate observer as a path to the capital S Self experience.
I have also hoped that G_d cares… loves me… lately when that thought arises, the notion that ‘I am’ It… as everyone is It (the drop of water also contains the ocean – As above so below, as below so above – our person are “maps” to the above as the above reveals the person) Anyway when that hope arises I wonder if I’m asking if ‘I’ care and love ‘me’ in the moment when the thought arises.
When Jung was asked the question if he believed in G_d (G_d-Christ – Brahman-Atman – capital S -Self) he replied that he did not believe because he knew. He was highly criticized for that answer and he didn’t explain himself as far as I know. But I think that having had the experience of the capital S Self it isn’t something you believe or hope for its something you ‘know’ (To know not intellectually but from the source of the Self which is also what Dr. Tori Olds hinds at when she talks of the Mind that is free.) Joseph Campbell also hints at the ‘knowing’ verses believing in his dialogs. I’d go so far as to suggest that all the wisdom traditions, when not viewed as a set of rules, reveal the same truths.May 12, 2023 at 10:00 am #418539
you are very welcome. Dr. Tori Olds is a valuable find indeed. I was amazed and grateful for her videos, they just resonate so much.
Anyway when that hope arises I wonder if I’m asking if ‘I’ care and love ‘me’ in the moment when the thought arises.
Yeah, I know, that’s the real question…
When Jung was asked the question if he believed in G_d (G_d-Christ – Brahman-Atman – capital S -Self) he replied that he did not believe because he knew. He was highly criticized for that answer and he didn’t explain himself as far as I know.
That’s interesting, didn’t know that about Jung. I have to say, I also “know”, kind of. Because I had the experience of the capital S Self. But sometimes, when I am struggling (specially with my health recently) I start doubting… not in the existence of God, but whether he/she/it cares. I think in those moments of suffering I get disconnected from the Self, and slip into fear and doubt. But then I process through my pain and find renewed hope. I get re-connected to the Self, at least for a while, until some other fear creeps in…
Now when I think about it, it’s like dropping off the line and getting reconnected again multiple times a day, some days with longer and some days with shorter duration 🙂