Forum Replies Created
February 5, 2021 at 8:42 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374179
You’re welcome, and yes, she may be using alcohol/drugs to help her manage the stress, which isn’t the healthiest option. I hope her test results bring some good news.
BFebruary 5, 2021 at 1:50 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374116
I’m so glad the evening went well and that you are comfortable with the way things are.
While a part of me wants “concrete,” a piece of me takes comfort in the fluidity of our relationship.
Ryan, I have three very close long-term friendships and none of them started off as “concrete” but slowly became that way over a long period of time (many years). You’ve known her for a relatively short time (3 or 4 mos, I think?), so “concrete” at this point may create unnecessary pressure on you both. I like that there’s a part of you that is just fine with the uncertainty of what’s to come.
BFebruary 4, 2021 at 10:04 am in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374036
Sounds good. You’ve really thought it through and I believe you know what’s best. I hope you two have a beautiful evening and that she leaves your place thinking That was a perfect night, just what I needed.
Good luck, Ryan!
BFebruary 3, 2021 at 2:59 pm in reply to: A date with a coworker felt like a bright spot in 2020 (and maybe it was)? #374001
I don’t want to interrupt the communication between you and Anita so I’ll be quick. Why not decide to postpone the questions you have and instead focus on simply having a fantastic dinner with her? Take a break from the difficult emotions and just relax, have some fun together?
You’ve already expressed in your email to her that “maybe, in time, we can develop something deeper and more meaningful, as friends” and then added “You need not reply. I’ll be here if you’d like to spend time together”, but you’re curious to know where she stands. Ryan, your email to her was excellent; let it stand on it’s own! Give her some time to process it all.
You told her “I have tried to be the least stressful piece of your life…”. With the recent devastating news she’s received about her ex, now’s the time to be the friend she may need you to be. No need to define it. Just do it.
I hope you have a nice dinner tomorrow, Ryan! 🙂
Tracy has multiple DUI’s, yet continues to drink and drive.
This demonstrates to me that Tracy does not have good judgement. This is all I’d need to know. She may be a wonderful person with a huge heart but there’s no way in hell my son is going to be left alone under her supervision.
…the evening never fails to devolve into a drunken shouting contest of obscenities and inappropriate conduct.
Get a babysitter and leave your son at home. Don’t try to justify exposing a young kid to that. Trust your good instincts.
You’re not required to share your coworker’s religious beliefs just as he’s not required to share yours. We’re all different, believe different things. His ego needs to be right and doesn’t want to accommodate any religious beliefs that are different from his own, but your ego is similar. You’re finding yourself upset, disgusted, and enraged because of your intolerance to his beliefs. Your ego wants to make him an enemy.
Don’t make him an enemy. Don’t fall into the trap of having to make yourself right and him wrong. Just accept that we all believe what we believe.
This happens with political beliefs too, the desire to make those on the other side of the aisle our enemies.
For this reason, religion and politics are topics many people choose not to discuss.
BDecember 31, 2020 at 9:42 pm in reply to: How would you handle this situation with a long time platonic friend? #372017
When a woman whose marriage is rocky finds herself emotionally attached to an attractive man with marriage troubles of his own, it’s only a matter of time before her unfulfilled expectations become major disappointments. This is why she wants a break.
The involuntary and repetitive voices in our heads are conditioned by our difficult pasts. We all have these voices but for many of us they are more negative and persistent. We’re at the mercy of them until we make the decision to not be. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there’s something wrong with you. The instant you become aware of what’s happening in your mind is also the instant that the voices lose some of their power over you.
Once you become aware of what’s happening inside your head, you’re starting to break free.
I recommend reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. This book helped me break free.
BDecember 17, 2020 at 6:57 pm in reply to: Wife wants separation and doesn’t feel sad about it. #371288
I don’t know how to overcome this grief.
Through the tough days ahead try to have faith that your pain will eventually lead to healing and peace.
When I realize that my thoughts and feelings are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I close my eyes and concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by an unpleasant thought during this exercise I don’t fight the thought; I let the thought come, relax my shoulders, and then get back to focusing on each breath. Our minds are constantly scanning for thoughts to attach themselves to (often negative ones) so by concentrating on each breath we’re giving our minds little breaks from the negativity and grief, and what a relief it is to have little breaks. Sometimes it takes many breaths and several minutes to feel a little calmer, better.
Rob, this exercise may be difficult at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing, when you’re feeling badly you have the ability to help yourself feel a little bit better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.
One day at a time, Rob. 🙂
When the information we share with another person is upsetting to that person, he/she may resent us for it and not want to be around us anymore. When that happens, it’s important to respect that person’s boundaries no matter how heartbreaking it is for us.
Do the right thing and don’t send the letter.
Hi KayCee – How are you doing? -B
We all make mistakes and I think everyone deserves another chance. Am I thinking bad?
No, you are right, we all make mistakes but I don’t believe that what’s happening here are “mistakes”. I think this guy has a serious character flaw that will prevent him from having an honest and healthy relationship with anyone. I believe that your low self-esteem coupled with your strong desire to have a “happy ending” with this man are distorting your perception of this situation.
I also understand how difficult it would be for you to end a relationship that you’ve invested a whole year into and that you believe is headed toward marriage.
If you had a younger sister whom you love very much who was in your situation, what advice would you give to her?
I feel like I’m in a game against two people….I want to try to be smart and turn “the game” against her… But how do I do this? I feel that my self-esteem is so low… I’m going crazy with this situation… What can I do?
You want to turn the game against her? I hope you leave the game instead! This guy’s totally untrustworthy! If he’s contacting other women only one year into this relationship then he’ll continue to do so for many years to come. This is who he is. Are you willing to settle for a guy like this?
I think I counted at least 3 times he’s lied to you. It doesn’t matter how caring he was at the beginning of the relationship or how many times he brought you flowers. How many more lies will it take before you realize that it’s time to move on and find a decent, trustworthy guy? Zero, I hope.
Leave this guy.
The answers you’ve received are all so good, and may I just say that whenever I read from Peter I walk away inspired. “Letting go” is about accepting and observing each thought instead of resisting or identifying with it. If your thoughts consist of problems that you are resisting or identifying with then you will suffer.
For example, say you’ve had a falling out with a close friend because she made a terribly hurtful comment to you, and every time you think about it you relive the suffering of this experience. You may think that one solution to this problem would be to not think about her making the comment to you (resist the thought), but this rarely works because we can’t control our thoughts, so an alternative is to accept that you’re having the thought but choose to not relive the suffering. This can be accomplished by envisioning her making the same hurtful comment to a random person instead of you. In other words, become an objective observer of the situation happening to someone else, like watching two people interacting in a movie. You may feel angry, sad, and sympathetic but there’s some space now between you and the situation meaning less personal suffering for you, right? By observing the situation from this detached perspective you still feel feelings but experience less suffering. Now go ahead and insert yourself back into the situation, and take a deep breath. Objectively observe the situation happening to you just like you did earlier to the random person. How do you feel now? You see and hear the hurtful comment being made to you, and you fully accept that this thought is now in your head and you choose not to resist it, but this time do you identify with the thought a little less than before? Do you feel a little less angry, sad, and hurt? If so, you now have an awareness that you have the ability to observe yourself from a detached perspective and still feel feelings but experience less suffering. Over time the hurt/suffering from the situation may become less and less until it disappears altogether. It doesn’t happen instantaneously; it happens over time. To me, this is “letting go”.
As Peter says, “Letting go is not a state of indifference or forgetting…Its a process of growth as we bravely observe the experience…”
You are very welcome, JoJo.