April 9, 2021 at 9:49 am #377415
good to hear from you! It’s good you’re trying to slow down and are already seeing the results, in being more calm and centered when interacting with people. You also sound more present in what you’ve just written. I feel your pain and aloneness. You don’t have it easy, and you didn’t have it easy with your family. A lot of your current problems stem from your childhood and youth – from feeling abandoned and unseen, unappreciated. You say about your family:
I give them all I can, all my love and support, I come to help at the drop of a pin, but in return I get nothing. No love, no support, no positive emotions, nothing.
You do your best to help and be there for your family, but they are ungrateful, and not only that, but they even treat you disrespectfully (your sister telling you to shut up). Instead of gratitude, you get denigration and offenses. You get attacked and rejected.
In one of my first posts, I’ve noticed a certain thinking of yours, in how you relate to the universe, and that it might indicate your relationship to your parents. I am copying it here, because I feel it’s relevant:
[the following is from my post to you on Feb 27, 2021]
In your posts you’ve mentioned several times that you’re hoping to get some positive feedback from the universe, but nothing is coming your way:
“I do send out love into the universe. I don’t do it as a favor so I can get back something from it, but I hear silence in return. In fact, it often happens that I get adversity and hardship in return.”
“It’s just been so stale lately that I don’t remember what it feels like when something cool or interesting comes my way because of a coincidence. I am trying to send out positive thoughts into the Universe and I really hope to get some feed back.”
“I am not giving up, but I haven’t had any good or positive news in a very long time. … I am just so tired of it all that I would do anything for something good, fun, exiting to happen.”
So it’s like you’re trying so hard, you’re giving your best, but no good news in return. You only hear crickets, or even worse, you experience more adversity. It’s like you’re saying: “please, I am doing my best, I am trying so hard to be a good person. Why don’t you show me some love in return, why don’t you show me that you care at least a little??”
It seems to me it’s how a child would talk to a parent. “I am trying to be a good boy, I am doing everything to please you. Why can’t you show me some love already??”
[end of post]
This is exactly what you’re expressing now: that you’re trying your best to please your parents, but instead, you get no positive response. On the contrary, you get harsh treatment.
Can you relate to that, Felix?April 9, 2021 at 8:55 pm #377426
You say you’ve “let go” but you continue to be under an enormous amount of stress. There’s an old Chinese proverb that says Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. I wonder if the tasks you are undertaking are too much for you, Felix, making your goals seem unreachable and causing you to lose a sense of future.
You may have heard of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist/psychiatrist who was a prisoner in the Nazi concentration camps of WWII where several of his family members, including his pregnant wife, perished. Life in the concentration camps taught Viktor that our main motivation in life is not pleasure, power or wealth but rather meaning. He believed that we can discover this meaning in life by “the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering” and that “everything can be taken from a man but one thing…to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Felix, it’s easier to have a positive outlook during hard times when there’s hope that your situation will eventually improve, but you seem to have lost all hope. You don’t have a good attitude about your situation because you don’t see an end to it. Your goals seem unreachable and you’ve lost a sense of future.
Is it time to set different goals?
BApril 11, 2021 at 3:53 am #377472
100% and yes, I know Frankl’s story quite well. I am not pursuing wealth or fame or success or anything else superficial. I finally have some idea of what I want to do with the rest of my life and I am trying to do something about it. I am being compassionate to myself. I am being decent to myself. I am letting go, but I feel sick because no matter how much I let go, I am still carrying a huge burden and no matter what I tell myself or what I try to do, it’s still there. I am not going to go into self-pity mode about not having this or that. I’ll just say that I am giving up in terms of wu-wei. I am letting the flow of life take over and see what happens. I am doing what I can, in terms of job search, studying, friends, family, etc., and everything else is no longer going to stress me out. Whatever happens, happens. It’s helping me, but I have not found the magic formula where I can fully let go and just be present. I get it theoretically and conceptually, but practically I am still in pain. Hopefully time will help, shrink will help, and meditation will help. I can’t set different goals now because I am finally doing what I want to do on all fronts. I don’t want to change that part, I need to change the worrying part, the pain of the past, the betrayal, etc.April 11, 2021 at 3:58 am #377473
You are 100% correct. I’ve noticed this lately as well and that’s why I have been working on this specifically. Not changing who I am, but simply giving up on this idea of position returns or any kind of returns, expectations. I help my friends because I care about them, not because I want them to like me or do something for me. I spend time with my dog because I want to and not. because of any other reason. I am studying super hard non stop these days because I want to, not because I must. I am not expecting anything or desiring a positive outcome. Like in the book, the peaceful warrior, “I am here, I am now”. I know it’s a lot harder in reality, but I am learning and trying. It’s just that my hole is so deep that I can’t help, but to feel like a failure, but I am learning to forgive, to give up, to be as is, and to look ahead instead of behind, while living in the here and the now.April 11, 2021 at 6:55 am #377475
try to slow down a little as you’re reading my post, try to receive and listen without immediately shooting back the answer (even if the response is just in your head).
I am not expecting anything or desiring a positive outcome.
It’s not wrong to desire things and expect a positive outcome. We all need a dose of optimism in our life, because we wouldn’t have motivation to continue when things get tough. And in general, without desiring and hoping for things, life is dry and meaningless. The nature of our soul is to hope and desire – if you take that away from yourself, you’re killing a part of yourself, you’re creating that arid wasteland and emptiness that you may be experiencing at the moment.
I mentioned the similarity between how you view the universe and how you view your parents, so that I could help you see that you’re projecting your view of your parents – ungrateful, rejecting, harsh, punishing – at the universe. If you believe you are up against such a universe, no wonder you’ve lost all hope. What can you expect from such a universe? Nothing good, even if you try your best. Only further hits and punches.
Do you see this? Do you see how you’re projecting your belief about your parents at the universe, and it makes it very hard for you to expect anything good to happen?April 11, 2021 at 8:16 am #377481
I am still carrying a huge burden and no matter what I tell myself or what I try to do, it’s still there…I have not found the magic formula where I can fully let go and just be present.
The more negative emotion there is in a person’s “story”, the more impenetrable it becomes. In other words, Felix, you are completely trapped within the thoughts and emotions associated with your “huge burden” that stepping outside of it is impossible because you don’t even know there is an outside. You are trapped within your own horror movie.
The “magic formula” is to recognize that there is an outside to the horror movie and to go there. Step outside of it. How? First, by recognizing that’s it’s only a movie that you keep playing in your head. Next, when it starts playing, immediately begin focusing on your breathing which will bring you back to the present moment.
You need to commit to these two steps over and over and over again every single day. Soon they’ll become a habit, and before you know it you’ll stop identifying with the horror movie, the huge burden you are carrying, almost like it happened to someone else. Free yourself from your burden, Felix.
BApril 11, 2021 at 12:48 pm #377507
Thank you Brandy. I agree. I am doing it slowly piece by piece every day. I’ve let go of so much already, but even though I agree with your advice wholeheartedly, I am obviously not sure how to proceed, otherwise I would be. I am not being stubborn, I am just not sure how yet. I do step outside of it. I do meditate. It is getting better. But I am not yet fully or even partially enlightened, otherwise I would be able to let go. It’s easy on paper or through keyboard strokes, but in reality, it’s a lot more complicated. Perhaps I just need more time. Accept my gratitude because I do appreciate the sentiment. It is very helpful. Just need to do more practicing than preaching at this point!April 11, 2021 at 5:57 pm #377515
You are welcome, and I don’t think you are being stubborn at all. Like you, I’m not nearly enlightened either, but I’ve had enough glimpses to know I’m on the right track. Pay attention to the glimpses. 🙂
BApril 11, 2021 at 9:46 pm #377520
I am. I’ve mostly cut off my family because I can’t let them and their toxicity hurt me. I still love them with all my heart, but they are not mature enough to belong in my life. I will dedicate 100% of the time from now on to me and making my life better. Not in a selfish way. Just in general. When I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on, which was the original topic for this post, I will look inside, I will reach out to the Universe, I will reach out to those who are true friends and true family (not through blood, but through courage and love), and ask them for love and support.April 12, 2021 at 12:34 am #377522
When I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on, which was the original topic for this post, I will look inside, I will reach out to the Universe, I will reach out to those who are true friends and true family (not through blood, but through courage and love), and ask them for love and support.
that’s really beautiful if you can do that. You’re right not to put too much time and energy in keeping touch with your family, because they don’t appreciate it anyway. Better to remove yourself from their toxicity, as you say. But if you can reach out to the universe and to other loving people for help and support, that would be a great step.
What I tried to point out in my previous post is that you might be projecting your negative experience with your family to the universe, and therefore are feeling as if the universe were mute or even harsh and not responding to your pleas. However if you change that attitude and realize that the universe and other people aren’t like your family, and you start hoping and reaching out again, you might have a very different experience.April 12, 2021 at 8:43 am #377529
I know. I think the problem is that I’ve been alone for a bit too long. I’ve grown cold and it pains me because I love to love. I havent felt any love from anyone in a long time. There is a saying in Russian, “A dog is only mean when it lives a shitty life”, which is true in part. I’ve had a bad 5+ years and I feel like a beaten dog right now. I am not giving up or anything, but it’s truly hard to envision something positive. I simply don’t feel it or see it. I am not expecting any miracles or asking the universe for anything. The universe doesn’t care in terms of punishment or reward. I am going to put out love, as best as I can. I think my dog would be able to really tell the story of much I can truly love something, if he could talk. But yeah, you are right. I am distancing my self from all toxic things, as much as I can at this point, and will concentrate on self love, metta meditation, and learning to love my self. I don’t know how, considering I hate my self quite a bit, but I will learn.April 12, 2021 at 10:16 am #377532
one thing I’ve noticed a few posts ago is that you said you’re applying for a job at various “soulless corporations”, being rejected all the time. But you also said that you know what you want in terms of career and have worked out a plan for yourself. Does that plan involve working at a soulless corporation, or it’s something else?April 12, 2021 at 10:26 am #377533
Yes, very soulless corporations all around. I don’t have much of a choice. I am interviewing and because I work in IT, the bulk of the jobs that pay decent are all in corporate America. If I knew how to do almost anything else, I would leave IT and corporate America, but it’s my bread and butter. I don’t have any other skills that will pay the bills. I am therefore trying to find a job at a good company. I like non-profit or smaller organizations that work with services instead of trying to sell a product. It’s not easy and the competition is killer. I am very anxious about this. I’ve been searching for 2 months already and each interview drains me completely. Expectations are high, everyone must know everything, and I think the greed is what turns me off about it, but I live in the real world. It’s time for big boy pants and to be serious about it. I am not punishing myself, but I am also being realistic.April 12, 2021 at 10:52 am #377539
I understand you, Felix. But also, IT is a huge sector, I mean everybody needs IT services, so have you tried those non-profits and smaller organizations that you like better? I do hope you get an acceptable offer at such a place. Because you don’t like soulless anything, and if you’d have to work for a soulless, greedy company, you’d be betraying your core values. There’s a whole range of sustainable companies that care not only about profit, but about making good in the world as well, e.g. you can google bcorp.April 12, 2021 at 10:55 am #377540
I am def trying to find a place in a good and sustainable organization. One of the reasons I loved my last job was the company, its culture, the people, and how I was treated. I loved it. But I am not 25 with a Masters degree with from UCLA. I am 43 and I think it’s much harder now. I am interviewing a lot and I am glad I didn’t get those jobs. It’s sad, but I am glad, because I know I would not have been happy there. But I live in a world where if you don’t work, you don’t have a home, or food, or car, or anything. I need to make sure I am not too idealistic. I will compromise, but to a point. It’s not all up to me, in fact most of it is not up to me. I am asking the universe to help me find something, but I am not expecting anything.