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Where to find strength

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  • This topic has 128 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 4 weeks ago by TeaK.
Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 129 total)
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  • #377545
    TeaK
    Participant

    I will compromise, but to a point.

    That’s good – keep your minimum  standards, because otherwise you won’t be happy.

    I am asking the universe to help me find something, but I am not expecting anything.

    Dare to expect and hope. The universe might have something really good in store for you!

    #377546
    Felix
    Participant

    As hard as it is for me to be optimistic, I am trying. One day at a time. There are ups and downs. I am on the down right now, but I am not giving up. If the Universe wants to take me out and make me give up, it will have to kill me.

    #377548
    TeaK
    Participant

    If the Universe wants to take me out and make me give up, it will have to kill me.

    This shows you still have quite a negative view of the universe, as if it were the enemy. Still projecting your negative view about your parents at the universe… Well, anyway, just be aware of it. It can’t be changed without some deeper inner work, but be aware it’s a false belief and that it doesn’t really help you reach your goals.

    #377557
    Felix
    Participant

    I agree. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean the universe. I meant this reality. Not my reality, but the one that surrounds our current culture, world, situation. There are plenty positive and well intentioned homeless people who do not send out negative vibes into the universe and yet they are homeless and desperate. I just don’t want to end up there. I just meant that no matter what the world throws at me, I will not give up because I do in fact want to believe that there is some sort of balance to the universe. It can’t all be bad, it can’t all be just so random. I am die hard atheist, but that doesn’t I don’t accept the idea of things we do not understand. I simply refuse to see it as some playground for a higher being. When kids die around the world from hunger and whatever, those who are religious give excuses that God has a purpose for everyone and there is a reason for a young child’s suffering. I reject that world view and I reject a universe that punishes us for something or other. But I do not reject a cruel world that we live in because I am not blind and I refuse to wear rose colored glasses. I can’t change the world, but I can try to change myself and be good to others. That’s all I can do. That’s what I’ve done most of my life. Unfortunately, I did not work on myself or love myself. I will continue trying to be a light to others and help where I can, but I have to start with my self. And yes, that includes being positive in terms of the Universal playground that we are all on and the reality of the cold world that will stomp into nothingness if you let it. I don’t see any other path. I don’t have rich parents, I am not a hippy who can live in a bus. I want a safe life in terms of not stressing about every little thing that will require hard work and some basic luck. I can’t ask for anything else.

    #377561
    TeaK
    Participant

    Yeah, many things in this world don’t seem fair. But if we focus only on the bad stuff, we can lose our minds.

    It can’t all be bad, it can’t all be just so random. I am die hard atheist, but that doesn’t I don’t accept the idea of things we do not understand. I simply refuse to see it as some playground for a higher being.

    I believe that too – it’s not all bad, and probably it’s not random either, at least I hope so. What we can do is do our best and then hope for the best. There are many factors we cannot influence, many things that can go wrong, that’s why we need hope. That’s why I am talking about hope so much… because without it, it’s so hard to move ahead.

    There is a saying in Russian, “A dog is only mean when it lives a shitty life”, which is true in part. I’ve had a bad 5+ years and I feel like a beaten dog right now.

    I agree with that saying. But it’s not just the last 5 years that’s been bad for you, but a lot of your childhood and youth. And this is what really determined you and your life experience now. You’d need to work on those childhood wounds, Felix. I know you’re seeing a therapist, so that’s cool. But anyway, you’d need to meet that boy and start to love him, to love yourself, in  order to truly move forward.

    You say you don’t know how to love yourself:

    I don’t know how, considering I hate my self quite a bit, but I will learn.

    You’d need to get in touch with that inner child who was abandoned and neglected, and love him. Give him the love he deserves. Because I guess you do believe that little boy deserves love? He’s your way out and your strength, Felix.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by TeaK.
    #377563
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Felix
    Did you ever get a chance to view the YouTube movie FINDING JOE? I really do think that you might find it interesting if not helpful.

    I should leave the comment at that… but want to say something about the word ‘G o d’ which ought to transcend all words and duality. Its true  the word ‘God’  to day is associated with a Santa Clause like being ,judging the good and the bad, rewarding and pushing the good and the bad – reward and punishment theology.

    Yet every wisdom tradition (when allowed to speak to the heart) points out that such a limited view of G_d is at best unskillful, (if useful politically But then we are talking about something else not G_d).  When the word ‘G_d’ allowed to be a holding place for that which transcends the language and opposites… now we might learn something.  The language of religion and the wisdom traditions is a language of symbol, pottery and song. a language that is meant to point past it self, to something greater then the words them selves (the word ‘tree’ is not a tree, the word ‘God’ is not G_d. )

    All words are symbols and a wonderous world opens up when we learn to read and ‘see’ by looking past the words. For example even a simple story like Cinderella transforms from being about a prince that saves a princess, to a heroic story about overcoming depression, or working through the dark night of the soul where the end goal of the story is the “Alchemical Marriage” between ones Being and Doing, ones Thinking and Feeling, the union of duality.

    When I read your post, the call to the hero journey screams out to me…. The question at the heart of the quest is “How am I responding to Life as it Is, to the Universe as it is, to G_d as it is if you will. The question I hear you asking in your posts is similar, How should I respond to Life as it is?

    My own experience is that when I answer that question with a ‘No get me off this ride’ or ‘No I can fix’ I will  end up frustrated, disappointed and or depressed.  Fighting against the flow of life as it is, is exhausting! A answer of Yes, accepting Life as it is, the wonders and horrors, allows one to enter into the flow of that which is. This Yes is not a giving up but a engagement with life.  It may feel counter intuitive, yet It is when we are in the Flow of that which ‘is as it is’ that we have the opportunity to influence it as we may hope it to be. This I believe is the Zen art of doing by not doing. You can’t fight your way out of the rip-tide, you can “influence” your way out by working with it…

    I know easier said then done.  To the question ‘How should I respond to Life as it is’ it seems to me that you have rejected the answer of No while not fully embracing YES. Now the task is accepting what it means to say Yes, that is the hero journey.

    “What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There is nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way you will find, live, become a realization of your own personal myth.”

    “Make your god transparent to the transcendent, and it doesn’t matter what his name is.” — Joseph Campbell

    #378297
    Felix
    Participant

    Hey all. Sorry for delay. I’ve been busy. I’ve been beyond busy. I barely have time to shower. Studying, interviewing, and bunch of other stuff.

    1. Yes, I did watch that movie. It’s OK, but a little too simple. I live in the real world and this real world is killing me

    2. I want to accept my self, totally accept myself as I am and fully embrace my current situation. But then I am interviewing with these awful corporatists who are very smart, but have no souls and decency. After each interview I am so tired that I feel like I just ran a marathon. I literally disconnected from a video interview today because the moron made me run live simulations in how to address a problem. I don’t do technical interviews. They are absolutely silly. So I am beyond exhausted. I wish there was something else I could where I could make decent money. I love technology, but corporate capitalism is a cancer.

    3. I am all about Wu-Wei, Zen, and whatever else is there that helps me go with the flow. But as I mentioned above, corporatists and landlords and this western culture doesn’t care about any of my problems. I don’t know where to find the balance. Where do I find the strength while holding on to sanity. I don’t know. Words from the wise are amazing and help me find love and inspiration, but then I go back to the real world that is unforgiving, cold, brutal, and much worse. It’s torturing me. I don’t mind studying for next 18 months to get to where I want to be, but I am not sure I can survive the soulless existence of the corporate world. And believe me, if there was an alternative, I’d do it. I literally don’t know what else to do other than go drive a truck.

    #378559
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    The movie did simplify Campbells work focusing mostly on the surface of the Hero Journey and only hinted at the deeper question all Hero’s face. How to respond to Life As It Is.  Campbells work looks through the words of myth (symbolic language, transparent to the transcendent ) for deeper meanings. Objective language tends to be liner and limiting.

    I would argue that the world we ‘live’ in isn’t the objective “real” one of the five senses. but a subjective inner one.  We have experiences that are of the five senses but then filter them through our expectations, fears, hopes… turning them into a subjective inner personal experience.  What is real? The actual event in which we actually have very limited knowledge of (we just think we have all the facts), or the inner one which we actually engage with. In trying to understand our experiences we turn them into stories and like dreams, when we look through the words we use, point to deeper truths. Chose the better story.

    We work for that which no work is required and so we go around in circles. We experience both the objective and subjective worlds and live in neither. Demanding that only one be ‘real’ trying to force Life to conform. It is easy to experience inner peace sitting alone quietly by a lake… and then we have to prepare our supper only to discover we forgot to bring food. Life has demands on us regardless of our desires and intentions. We must eat.  The trick is to remain sitting quietly by a like while fully engaged in Life as it Is. This is the still point of being which is dancing with Life. Those words won’t mean anything unless one heads the Call of the hero journey, allowing the stories we tell (our way of being) to be transparent to the transcendent. It is the still point where acceptance is already and always present.

     

    #378560
    Peter
    Participant

    Felix

    Sorry for not being helpful. I very much relate to your difficulty and struggle with the ‘two worlds’  we all live in – Accepting of myself as while having to deal with a ‘corporatist’ world.  I am bigger then big and smaller then small. How to engage with the latter while being authentic to former.  Is it possible to be ‘of the world and separate’ which is also contained within the ‘still point’.

    We contradict and work against ourselves, wishing for self acceptance (contentment) while not being able to take our eyes off the ‘corporatist’ influence others have over us.  I’m pretty sure that until I find away to Accept Life as it is and say Yes to it as it is, I will never be content or be able to accept of myself as I am.

    I’ve always liked the Song ‘The Riddle” by Five for Fighting. I thing it holds many truths

    There was a man back in ’95
    Whose heart ran out of summers
    But before he died, I asked him
    Wait, what’s the sense in life?
    Come over me, come over me

    He said
    Son, why you gotta sing that tune?
    Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
    Let an angel swing and make you swoon
    Then you will see, you will see

    Then he said
    Here’s a riddle for you
    Find the answer
    There’s a reason for the world
    You and I

    Picked up my kid from school today
    Did you learn anything ‘Cause’ in the world today
    You can’t live in a castle far away
    Now talk to me, come talk to me

    He said
    Dad, I’m big, but we’re smaller than small
    In the scheme of things, well, we’re nothing at all
    Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song
    So play with me, come play with me

    And, hey, dad
    Here’s a riddle for you
    Find the answer
    There’s a reason for the world
    You and I

    I said
    Son, for all I’ve told you
    When you get right down to the
    Reason for the world
    Who am I?

    There are secrets that we still have left to find
    There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
    There are answers we’re not wise enough to see

    He said
    You looking for a clue
    I love you FREE

    The batter swings and the summer flies
    As I look into my angel’s eyes
    A song plays on while the moon is high over me
    Something comes over me

    I guess we’re big, and I guess we’re small
    If you think about it, man, you know we got it all
    ‘Cause we’re all we got on this bouncing ball
    And I love you free
    I love you freely

    Here’s a riddle for you
    Find the answer
    There’s a reason for the world
    You and I

     

     

    #378770
    Felix
    Participant

    Hi Peter. No, you and others have been very helpful. I am not where I want to be, but my mind is clearer and more focused\centered. I am still very stressed about my job search, my lack of social interaction, lack of love and intimacy, and many other things, but I am learning to detach myself from all of it. What matters is what I am doing right now. Right now, I am writing this reply and I am fully immersed in it. I am giving 100% to this process and everything else that happened or might happen is not relevant. I am going to the gym right after this and I am going to be there, present, 100% and nothing else matters. Then I am going to study and while I am studying, not my job, not my parents, not anything else will matter. That is something I am learning to do. It’s helping my anxiety and depression. I am just so stressed out from how nasty the world has gotten, from personal problems to the number of homeless and crime in LA, to realizing that family and friends are not always as they seem, it’s just a very heavy elephant sitting me and I can’t always support his weight. But I haven’t given up. I haven’t ever given up.

    #378843
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    Sounds like you have a good plan in how to move forward. I also find that when I spend to much time following the news that I get disappointed, frustrated, angry. I wonder where is the compassion, the ability to listen. Why have so many hardened  their hearts as comes to the idea of forgiveness (I suspect many equate forgiveness with no longer be able to hold people accountable. A very unskillful concept of forgiveness). What happened to the idea of learning better and doing better. That we are more then the sum of our parts, more then a single moment in time, more then a single experience? Has the idea of zero tolerance lead to the idea that people are defended by the worst thing they have ever done.  No tolerance, no forgiveness, no room for learning better.

    I can get very worked up and lose site of my own center. My challenge has been to maintain my center, the still point, while staying engaged in the world as it is. To accept the world as it and engage in and detached. That has always seem to be a paradox, the art of being engaged and detached at the same time. Their are times I can hold that paradox but more times then not I slide into a detachment that is really indifference. A work in progress

    Anyway I came across the following the other day and it reminded me of this conversation

    Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that. You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring that you want something new. The old will defy the new; the old will deny the new; the old will decry the new. There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it. – Neale Donald Walsch

    Easier said then done. I’ve notice that when I do spend to much of my attention on the news I slip into my ‘old ways’

    A unlived Life will be projected onto others to the extent that it is unrecognized. What you devalue and reject in yourself you will criticize and castigate other for. What you fear in yourself you will flight or flee in others. What you lack in yourself you will depend upon others to provide. – Living your Unlived Life – Robert A. Jonson.

    When I do fall back into the trap of my ‘old ways’ I am doing just that. As I pay attention to the news I find myself projecting my disappointments, my desire for control, for things to be other then what they are on others. A distraction  and in a odd way though wanting control my projections actually are a surrender of what control and accountably that I have.  Probably why I do it.

    Anyway keep at it, what more can we do.

     

    #378877
    Felix
    Participant

    I am trying. Everyday. Well, most days. I was so tired that I took today from doing anything. I am just feeling the pressure and I feel like I am going to crack soon. I have 6 interviews in the next 4 work days and I am terrified to bomb every single one of them. I am not bad at what I do, but these companies are looking for geniuses. This is causing so much anxiety. I am feeling like I am literally going to have a breakdown and kill myself. No, I am not suicidal at all. It’s not that. I’ve never been suicidal or had thoughts about taking my own life. It’s more of the idea that I would rather be dead than deal with all this. I am at the lowest point of my life now. Many others would snap and take their own lives, but I am still here. I am just overwhelmed because I am going through everything on my own. But yeah, I do have a good plan. I’ll eventually get hired. I’ll eventually get my exams done. I’ll eventually start to feel better. But until then I have to survive somehow. Not sure how, to be very honest with you, but I don’t really have any other choices at this moment in time.

    #378878
    Felix
    Participant

    PS. I am def grateful for everything that did go right, the problem is that I simply do not feel well because things not being terrible isn’t good enough anymore. I am actually missing good things like physical contact, going out, spending time with friends, intimacy, celebrations with family, and other things. Food seems to bring me happiness, but that’s a fake emotion as in it only makes me feel bad afterwards because I am trying to eat healthy and lose more weight. Anyway. It is what it is. Que sera, sera

    #378935
    Peter
    Participant

    Not having someone close to talk things over with our inner conversation often turns dark. Projection is often a attempt to escape these dark thoughts however that usually takes us out of ourselves .

    I found checking my thinking and writing for cognitive discordance (becoming more mindful of how my thoughts  manifested) helpful. My tendency is to overgeneralize, all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing and thinking I Knew what others were thinking. I also keep an eye out for victims and villain stories. The intention is to notice and not judge myself.

    The interview or company may or may not be looking for geniuses, however you can’t know that, or likely define what geniuses means to those representing the company in the interview.   I suspect a ‘fit’ would include personality and ability with personality often more important assuming the candidate has a good working foundation and ability to learn.

    The best interview I ever had was one in which when I arrived and looked around thought no way would they hire me. However, instead of choking I had the thought that I had nothing to lose. I was relaxed, enthusiastic and engaged in active listening which create more of a conversation vibe. I surprised myself and got the job.

    This corresponds with suicidal thoughts. One if you really wished you were dead you would have nothing to lose so might as well be yourself and let go of the anxiety which isn’t helpful ( some anxiety can be helpful). In dream/symbolic language the ‘desire to die’ is a desire for change and recognizing that all change requires a  dying.  The letting go of the old to create space for the new. (the old often becoming fertilizer for the new). To the ego change is often experienced as if one was actually going to physically die and so the ego resists change even as the subconscious push toward authentic self.  We find ourselves wishing to die and at the same time afraid to die. Subconscious communicates though a langue of  symbol and will use dreams of death or even suicidal thoughts to communicate that a moment of birth is possible if we let go of our fear and ego… scary stuff.

    In the above context the thoughts of wanting to die don’t have to be taken as suicidal thoughts but the reaffirmation that you are really seeking growth.

    #379572
    Felix
    Participant

    Hi all. I am going to wrap it up. I appreciate all the advice. I wish I had more time, but I have an important exam in a week and I am interviewing a lot, so I have to prep for them. I don’t have much time to mull this over at this point. I am on autopilot, whether I like or not (and I don’t), but I have’t found anything else that could pay the bills and afford me a decent life style, so I have to learn, learn, learn. For the next 18-24 months I will be learning a lot of new technology and not just memorizing it, but actually understand it and implementing it. I am hoping that it will help me become a really good IT pro who makes crazy money. It’s not about the money, it’s about proving to myself that I can, it’s about proving to others that I can, it’s about not having to worry about money, it’s about being able to have a life style that will allow me to travel and eventually work remotely. Until then I have to study 24/7. I am not sure how it will all end up. I might die, I might succeed, I might go crazy from being lonely, but I am not going to give up my dream of becoming a total IT pro with many different technologies. And whatever else happens, I’ll deal with then. I am throwing in the towel for all the bad stuff and good stuff, and just concentrating on studying, health, self compassion, and my friends and family (those who actually deserve it).

    Thank you again for all the advice. I will be posting\asking more questions in other subjects, so you won’t miss me too much.

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