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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 299 replies, has 15 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 days, 8 hours ago.

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  • #204943

    John
    Participant

    Hello all, well i’ve done a lot of reading and before i begin I know that a lot of you are going to tell me to end everything and figure out myself.

    So  here we go.  I was in a relationship for a year with someone that stole my heart like I’ve never felt before.  Not even with my ex wife of 12 years.  I never felt love like that and it was mutual.  We had life plans, marriage, the whole 9 yards…  It was a semi-long distance thing (about 90miles apart).  But we were on the “2 year” plan to be able to live together in the same town.

    She felt the same way i did.  We were hard core in love.  Like in the movies…

    She had a perfect storm of life drama all happen around the same time between her grown kids, work, family, ex husband(been divorced for 3 years by now), financial, and health.  I was patient and understanding, but i was not honest with how i felt about things, and it built up, then showed.  I became needy and clingy and tried to “help out” too much when i should of stepped back and let her deal with her stuff on her own.  It all came crashing down in about 1 months time and then it was over.  She kept pulling away and I kept pushing for more.   She couldn’t deal anymore and said i changed.  Which i did.  I started only thinking about my needs instead of hers also.  Needless to say the breakup took me by total surprise.  In fact that last day we were together, she made it feel like she couldn’t wait to see me again.  Very confusing.  I know she loved me with all of her, but i think between all the other drama and our distance apart it was all too much for her.  To top it off at the end, i was talking with her friend trying to figure out what was going wrong and then I lied to her about it and she found out.  Stupid of me, I know.  We both hurt each other very bad.

    long story short, it got ugly.  Real ugly.  She told me never to contact her or her friends/family ever again!

    Well after a few months, i found something of hers and mailed it to her with a letter apologizing for everything i had done and asking her to clarify what really happened between us.  she responded and said she that i started changing and it was bringing up red flags.  I asked her why she never told me these things and she said she tried, but didn’t know if it was her issues or what.  We both failed by not being completely honest with how we felt.  We started texting some back and forth and talked about being “friends”. In our texting she would make little comments.  Some seemed like light flirting.  She even sent me a selfie out of the blue saying “so i won’t forget her”.  She has been seeing someone and when i told her i was, she seemed jealous and made a few comments showing that.  She did also tell me that no body has ever cared for her like i have.  And she has said she misses my kids and even my dog.  She has not said she misses me.  But maybe she doesn’t want to show that?  Very back and forth confusing.  Especially since everything is over text messages.

    Now to the new GF i’ve been dating.  She is wonderful and wants nothing but for me to be happy and to make me happy.  We get along great and do and think the same about a lot of things.  Even our lifestyles are the same.  She knows about my ex and that i’m still fighting demons in myself about that and she wants still to be with me and she said she will wait if i need her to.  I really like her a lot.  I feel like i love her, but not in any way close that i did/do my ex. However, i think if i would of met her before my ex, I would feel more.

    I haven’t had one day go by that i haven’t though bout my ex.  And the thought of us trying again thrills me, but at the same time, i don’t want to hurt my GF or give up on something with her that could be fantastic.  I know i sound like a douche for even considering going back to my ex.  But i’ve never felt that happy ever in my life before.  Even now when i get a text by her my heart stops.

    I really don’t know how she really feels.  If she really does miss me and has love for me still or just wants to really be friends.  I do know that i don’t think i can continue contact with her if friends is it because of the feelings i still have for her.

    So i was thinking of sending her a letter, telling her how i know that i screwed up and that rebuilding trust is very difficult, but if she wanted to try, i would give it my all and be patient.(there was a lot more in the letter obviously).  Part of me needs to know for sure that there isn’t a possibility of this ever happening or working out again.  I have never felt as complete as i was with her.  and she always told me that i was her “home”.

    So if i send this letter, there are three outcomes.  1.  She does want to try and then what do i do?  Break my new GF’s heart and try, or say screw it and stay with her. and then if it fails again….

    2.  She says there is nothing left and doesn’t want to.  then i know for sure and I quit communicating with her all together.

    3.  She gets irritated with it and tells me to quit contacting her again.

     

    Well, any advice would be great.  Please don’t hate on me.  I’m really a nice guy and just want to do the right thing for everyone and follow my heart.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I’m very torn and it hurts every day thinking about all of this.

    Thanks for all your help and support.

    #204969

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    My take is to let your current GF go since you really had not let go of your ex GF.

    If you keep thinking/yearning/hoping to get back with your ex GF then you are doing your current GF a disservice.

    In a way you are emotionally cheating on your current GF.

    Life and relationships are risks with no guarantees.  All you can do is to live in integrity; be true to yourself and honest with kindness with others in your life.

    Mark

    #205023

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    After  the breakup, you sent your ex girlfriend a letter “asking her to qualify what really happened between us”-to this day you don’t know what happened. You know bits and pieces but you are as confused as before (“very confused” is in the title of your thread).

    Here is my effort to clear the confusion for you, my effort to present a possible clear picture of what happened, and if you would like, you can consider it, evaluate it and decide what if any of it is true to you.

    What we feel is a result of chemicals released in our brain/body. All that we feel is a result of chemical processes. What happened is that this woman, because of circumstances in your life right before you met her, and before, and because of her looks, and/or the sound of her voice, her way of walking perhaps, her laugh, some external items, your feel-very-very-good chemicals were released leading to euphoria. Much like taking a powerful, hard core drug, a narcotic perhaps, for the first time.

    “like I’ve never felt before… hard core love. Like in the movies… I’ve never felt that happy ever in my life before”.

    And like a man repeatedly taking a hard core drug, falling into addiction, you “became needy and clingy”, and true to a powerful  drug addiction tale, “it all came crashing down… it got ugly. Real ugly”.

    My concluding thoughts for now: literally you have been on drugs, naturally occurring, powerful and massive amounts of drugs, with little effective communication with her, little understanding of who she is, little understanding of anything at all in the context of this relationship.

    anita

     

    #205079

    John
    Participant

    Well isn’t that what love is?  a drug?

    Before everything went south, We had a great relationship.  It seriously was just a bad combination of shitty events that all happened at the same time, then i was too blinded by my own needs to see what was really happening and what i needed to do for her.  Which was just be there when she needed me to and just to listen to her and let her deal.  Seriously we had 10 months of bliss, and 2 really bad months that just took it’s toll and destroyed us.

    It just sucks, i don’t think i’ll ever be “over” her.  I loved her that much.  I still do.  I don’t know what it is about her, but there was some kind of connection that we had from day one.  I never believed in “soul mates” until i met her.  I just can’t explain it.

    I guess i’m going to just have to take the chance and see if she does want to try with me again.  No matter what the odds or how afraid either of us are about getting hurt.

    #205087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    All emotions are made possible by drugs, internally released, natural drugs if not otherwise. Thing is, there can be love and understanding. It doesn’t have to be love or understanding. I suggest you get more understanding of the relationship so to supplement the drug with rational. After all, you need the rational so to make good choices for yourself.

    If you agree and you would like to, let’s look into this:

    You wrote in your original post, “I started only thinking about my needs instead of hers also”. In your recent post you wrote: “I was too blinded by my own needs to see what was really happening”.

    What were those needs, how did you pursue those needs with her, and what was happening that you missed (can you elaborate on what you already shared on the matter)?

    anita

    #205101

    John
    Participant

    When she started having a lot of problems with everything.  Especially  her son.  She needed time alone to deal with it and to figure it out on her own.  She is a very independent woman.  She had told me this several times.  I didn’t see the whole picture at the time.  I only saw what i wanted to see.(well i didn’t want it, but i don’t know how else to say it).  I saw ” why can’t she let me help her or let me be there with her”   I felt like she didn’t want to see or be with me.  Which wasn’t the case at all.  She did, but She just didn’t have the capacity at that time with everything else hitting the fan like it did.  I took it too personal and instead of talking to her to find out what she really needed from me, i overthought everything and made assumptions, then lost my cool and anytime something didn’t work out i would be shitty about it.  made it all about me, not us or her.  When she needed me most to be strong and just be there for her.  I made it all about me and made her feel guilty.  Not on purpose.  Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now.

    I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting.  I know we would still be together.

    I needed to be #1 right then and there.  And i didn’t feel like it.  I felt like i was getting pushed aside day after day.  But i never communicated that with her either like i should of.  So she didn’t know.  I just kept telling her “i understand” and “its okay”  when it wasn’t.  How was she to know??

    #205111

    John
    Participant

    I don’t know, maybe it’s just not meant to be.  It freakin sucks.  I love her so much.  Probably always will.  I wonder if too much damage has been done.  I do want her to be happy, but at the same time, we were so happy together. We really were. She even told me at one point that she hopes that her boys grow up to be like me.  Just a bad sequence of events that screwed up everything and me not being honest with how i was really feeling about things.  I keep hanging on to this thought of something happening again.  I wonder if i should just count my losses and cease all contact forever and focus on what  i do have in front of me.  But dang, this wondering if i could have her back…  It’s killing me.  I just found out her son is back for a few weeks and she is also going to visit her brother this weekend.  So timing would be horrible to bring this up to her.  I will have to wait a little longer.  Killing me though.

    #205121

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    She needed time alone but you didn’t want her to want to be alone. You wanted her to want you with her all the time, to be her number one, correct? I get the image of a little boy throwing a tantrum because his mother is speaking to someone else instead of attending to her boy. Was that your experience, as a child, not getting the attention you needed from your mother, perhaps?

    anita

    #205123

    John
    Participant

    I did have a rough childhood.  My mom wasn’t there like she should of been and my sister left home early.  Pretty much had to grow up alone

    The problem was that my ex made me number one for so long.  For the first 10 months we didn’t go longer than a couple hours without texting or talking(besides sleeping).  When all this went down she pulled away so hard and got so distant i didn’t know what to do or how to act or how not to take it like it was me.

    #205129

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    So for ten months it felt as good as it would have felt if back in time your mother was there for you, if you didn’t grow up alone. If she was there, attentive to you as you needed her to be. It felt like heaven, didn’t it, euphoric. But then she pulled away, and the distress of that boy alone returned and you got desperate to have that good feeling again, that safety in her attention.

    I wonder: no other woman before her or since paid that much attention to you as your ex did the first ten months?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #205133

    John
    Participant

    My ex-wife of 12 years paid attention to me like that.  And the woman i’m seeing now does, or even does more.

    I just never had that feeling before.  NEVER .  that feeling that i would do anything for her.  I would of given up everything i had if she asked me to .  I truly loved her for everything she is.

    #205139

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I have more questions for you, but I don’t know if it is the time or if you are willing to look more into it at this time. Let me know?

    anita

    #205155

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    We all mess up, and your posts clearly show that you’ve learned from your mistakes. The romantic side of me wants to say follow your heart, write the letter and include a lot of what you’ve shared here, especially this:

    Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now. I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting…I needed to be #1 right then and there…

    What holds me back from giving you that advice, however, is your current GF. She deserves your total honesty. The way you describe her — wow, she seems really great. You say you love her but not as much as you love your ex, and that you think if you had met her before your ex, you would feel more for her. What if what you really want is right in front of you and you just can’t see it? If not, let her go so she can find someone who is as in love with her as you are with your ex, then go get your ex back.

    It’s a tough one. You seem like a really nice guy. Hang in there.

    B

    #205159

    John
    Participant

    fire away.  Honestly i’m so freaking torn up right now.  All the help i can get the better.  I can tell you these few facts about me right now.

    1.  I know i made a lot of mistakes with my ex at the end that screwed things up.  I also know that she made mistakes as well, she did cause a lot of my actions.  When she pulled away all she told me is that it had nothing to do with me, so i was left in the dark.  For me that was devastating because I tried for answers when she just needed time for herself.  Me pursuing that is a lot of what caused it all to crumble.

    2.  I know that i love her and did love her.  A love i believe you may only have once in a lifetime.  I can’t speak for her, but it felt the same from her until the end when the storm hit.

    3.  There isn’t anything i wouldn’t do for her.  Even now.

    4.  Yes, i’m in a relationship with someone else now.  I feel love for her also.  But not like before.  She will give me anything i want and need, she and i have a lot in common and are very comfortable around each other.  She does know about my ex. and that does worry her.  I can see a life with her.  A happy life.

    5.  I feel doomed.  I feel like i will never have what I had with my ex.  no matter how great any new person or relationship is.

     

    #205169

    John
    Participant

    Hi John,

    We all mess up, and your posts clearly show that you’ve learned from your mistakes. The romantic side of me wants to say follow your heart, write the letter and include a lot of what you’ve shared here, especially this:

    Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now. I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting…I needed to be #1 right then and there…

    What holds me back from giving you that advice, however, is your current GF. She deserves your total honesty. The way you describe her — wow, she seems really great. You say you love her but not as much as you love your ex, and that you think if you had met her before your ex, you would feel more for her. What if what you really want is right in front of you and you just can’t see it? If not, let her go so she can find someone who is as in love with her as you are with your ex, then go get your ex back.

    It’s a tough one. You seem like a really nice guy. Hang in there.

    B

     

    Well as far as the letter.  It’s already written.  I actually had a custom card made with it printed on the inside.  On the front cover is a picture of a purple columbine flower(her favorite color and flower) and the caption “because you’re special”  The letter itself in  a nutshell says that i love communicating with her again, but it’s bringing up a lot of feelings I though was gone.  and that i want to be part of her life and i want her to be part of mine.  No matter how slow and easy it needs to be.  I have a small paragraph that says that I miss certain things about her, her family, and just her in general.  I say that it doesn’t matter to me where or what either of us has done since we broke up or i don’t care what anyone thinks.  I say that I will be 100% honest with her about everything no matter how small and i wont hide behind and insecurity and be afraid to tell her how i feel.  I tell her how losing her has made me realize how i did change for the worst and that that’s not me.  I’m the man she fell in love with and if she’ll give me this chance i will prove it to her.  About how happy we both were and if she’ll let me i will make her that happy again.  I asked her to look into her heart and what does it really feel.  If there is love left there for me, then why not take the chance.  There is a lot more.  but not too much.  It’s all straight from my heart though.

    I just have to wait to send it.  I’m really curious how she takes the birthday card i sent her.  she should get it friday, but i guess she is going to visit her brother this weekend so she might not see it till tuesday.

    In the mean time, i’m thinking i will tell my current GF  that i  am  sorting out shit and i need some time to figure out what i need to do for myself.  I feel like such an asshole.  When i started dating again i was moving well past my ex.  her actually talking(texting) me again has brought up so much hope and emotion.  Sucks.

    I think if i would of never met my ex, that i still wouldn’t love my current gf or anyone like i did her though..  there was just something about her that just feels like it was my missing piece all these years.  I love everything about her.

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