Hello all, well i’ve done a lot of reading and before i begin I know that a lot of you are going to tell me to end everything and figure out myself.

So  here we go.  I was in a relationship for a year with someone that stole my heart like I’ve never felt before.  Not even with my ex wife of 12 years.  I never felt love like that and it was mutual.  We had life plans, marriage, the whole 9 yards…  It was a semi-long distance thing (about 90miles apart).  But we were on the “2 year” plan to be able to live together in the same town.

She felt the same way i did.  We were hard core in love.  Like in the movies…

She had a perfect storm of life drama all happen around the same time between her grown kids, work, family, ex husband(been divorced for 3 years by now), financial, and health.  I was patient and understanding, but i was not honest with how i felt about things, and it built up, then showed.  I became needy and clingy and tried to “help out” too much when i should of stepped back and let her deal with her stuff on her own.  It all came crashing down in about 1 months time and then it was over.  She kept pulling away and I kept pushing for more.   She couldn’t deal anymore and said i changed.  Which i did.  I started only thinking about my needs instead of hers also.  Needless to say the breakup took me by total surprise.  In fact that last day we were together, she made it feel like she couldn’t wait to see me again.  Very confusing.  I know she loved me with all of her, but i think between all the other drama and our distance apart it was all too much for her.  To top it off at the end, i was talking with her friend trying to figure out what was going wrong and then I lied to her about it and she found out.  Stupid of me, I know.  We both hurt each other very bad.

long story short, it got ugly.  Real ugly.  She told me never to contact her or her friends/family ever again!

Well after a few months, i found something of hers and mailed it to her with a letter apologizing for everything i had done and asking her to clarify what really happened between us.  she responded and said she that i started changing and it was bringing up red flags.  I asked her why she never told me these things and she said she tried, but didn’t know if it was her issues or what.  We both failed by not being completely honest with how we felt.  We started texting some back and forth and talked about being “friends”. In our texting she would make little comments.  Some seemed like light flirting.  She even sent me a selfie out of the blue saying “so i won’t forget her”.  She has been seeing someone and when i told her i was, she seemed jealous and made a few comments showing that.  She did also tell me that no body has ever cared for her like i have.  And she has said she misses my kids and even my dog.  She has not said she misses me.  But maybe she doesn’t want to show that?  Very back and forth confusing.  Especially since everything is over text messages.

Now to the new GF i’ve been dating.  She is wonderful and wants nothing but for me to be happy and to make me happy.  We get along great and do and think the same about a lot of things.  Even our lifestyles are the same.  She knows about my ex and that i’m still fighting demons in myself about that and she wants still to be with me and she said she will wait if i need her to.  I really like her a lot.  I feel like i love her, but not in any way close that i did/do my ex. However, i think if i would of met her before my ex, I would feel more.

I haven’t had one day go by that i haven’t though bout my ex.  And the thought of us trying again thrills me, but at the same time, i don’t want to hurt my GF or give up on something with her that could be fantastic.  I know i sound like a douche for even considering going back to my ex.  But i’ve never felt that happy ever in my life before.  Even now when i get a text by her my heart stops.

I really don’t know how she really feels.  If she really does miss me and has love for me still or just wants to really be friends.  I do know that i don’t think i can continue contact with her if friends is it because of the feelings i still have for her.

So i was thinking of sending her a letter, telling her how i know that i screwed up and that rebuilding trust is very difficult, but if she wanted to try, i would give it my all and be patient.(there was a lot more in the letter obviously).  Part of me needs to know for sure that there isn’t a possibility of this ever happening or working out again.  I have never felt as complete as i was with her.  and she always told me that i was her “home”.

So if i send this letter, there are three outcomes.  1.  She does want to try and then what do i do?  Break my new GF’s heart and try, or say screw it and stay with her. and then if it fails again….

2.  She says there is nothing left and doesn’t want to.  then i know for sure and I quit communicating with her all together.

3.  She gets irritated with it and tells me to quit contacting her again.

Well, any advice would be great.  Please don’t hate on me.  I’m really a nice guy and just want to do the right thing for everyone and follow my heart.  I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I’m very torn and it hurts every day thinking about all of this.

Thanks for all your help and support.