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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 195 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #205183

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    It's a good letter, and a good idea to tell your current GF that you need time alone. If you feel this strongly about your ex then you've got to give it a shot, right? If you don't do it, you'll always wonder. I think that the selfie she sent you may reveal something about how she feels about you, and her showing a little jealousy when she found out that you're seeing someone — same.  But what do I know?…maybe she wants to remain friends with you and nothing more. So anyway, I say go for it, and then respect whatever decision she makes. I hope it works out!

    B

    #205205

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    In your last post you wrote: “there was  just  something about her that just feels like it was  my missing piece all these years”-

    I believe  that  the clarity that you need (very confused is in the title  of  your thread) is in seeing that missing piece. See that  missing piece within yourself and  this great,  once-in-a-lifetime love story will lose its intensity. You will gain clarity and calm.

    That  is, if  you are  interested in calm (there is something  attractive about passion and  yearning and  desperation..?)

    What  is that  missing piece? This is  my question.

    anita

    #205221

    John
    Participant

    Dear John:

    In your last post you wrote: “there was  just  something about her that just feels like it was  my missing piece all these years”-

    I believe  that  the clarity that you need (very confused is in the title  of  your thread) is in seeing that missing piece. See that  missing piece within yourself and  this great,  once-in-a-lifetime love story will lose its intensity. You will gain clarity and calm.

    That  is, if  you are  interested in calm (there is something  attractive about passion and  yearning and  desperation..?)

    What  is that  missing piece? This is  my question.

    anita

     

    I don't know what it was, just feels like she completed me.  Kind of hard to explain.  I didn't know I wasn't complete until after i met her.  I was happy before her.  But after we met, I was really happy.  I smiled everyday.  Couldn't wait to get my day started and be productive.   I just can't explain it.  Obviously when the left me i was devastated.  I feel into a bad depression.  Luckily that only lasted about 3 months.  There are still days when i think about her and i do get a little down.  I was thinking about it last night some.  Part of this that really sucks is that for the majority of the time we were together, there seemed to always be some drama and baggage in her life.  We pushed through a lot of it together, but there was always something.  I was patient and understanding and waiting for the day that those issues were resolved, so we could really enjoy each other and be a bigger part of each other's lives.  Well 6 months after we break up, Her issues with her boys are gone, Work issues have resolved themselves, she had health problems that have been taken care of, her financial situation has gotten better, and she has been able to get out more often and do more things socially.  All of this I encouraged and was waiting for when we were together.  Very tough.  It's like i see this butterfly come out of the cocoon finally.  and now it's flown away 🙁    I don't know what to think anymore.  I'm not obsessing on her, I just know what i feel.   and how i feel.  I don't think that will ever go away.

    #205227

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    “My mom wasn't there”, you wrote about your childhood. A long time ago, wasn't it? And yet that lack,  that gap, that hole  is  still in you, never been not there, ever since.

    A young child is not an independent mental entity. He  or she  is a  part of a unit with his main caretaker, usually his mother. The mother has to be perceived as capable and  she  has to be there, to attend to her son lovingly. The young  boy has to feel safe, within that  unit, so to explore life away from his mother, bit by  bit, gradually, returning  to her embrace, before venturing away from her again.

    Your mother wasn't  there for you. And so, mentally, you were  indeed incomplete.

    You wrote regarding your ex: “I truly  loved her for everything she is”. Having  read your sharing, I don't believe you knew then or that you  know now  everything  that she was  or  is. Maybe you know very little. I think that you were willing to love her for everything that she  was as long as she was there  for you, and that  is  why you felt then  and  feel now that you would do anything and everything  for her.

    Not  because you know her  well but because you need her  so much.

    The child needs the safety in his mother's embrace. A child will not question the mother's character and ask questions  about her life outside of that embrace. All he cares  about is being  in-that-embrace.

    “I don't think that will ever go away”, is your last line in your recent post. Probably  not. The incompleteness of childhood doesn't  often go away.

    anita

     

    #205197

    marie
    Participant

    Dear John, I was in a situation as a single, divorced mom who was in a long-distance relationship for four years with a man who behaved in a similar fashion and started overgiving. Unlike you, he started getting aggressive with me when his emotions got worn out and he started feeling depleted. Staying calm and peaceful can be a challenge, but is necessary. Give yourself credit for taking the steps you have taken, rather than getting abusive with yourself or your ex. I can see now in retrospect that I have not yet clarified the reasons why I felt I had to break up with him so abruptly. After reading these posts, I am going to take action and write my ex the long letter that he deserves. As a single mom, with divorce behind her, I know how easy it is to go into “me against the world” mode. This, together with our mother instinct to protect can turn us into cold, survivalists who refuse even the kindest help from others. I believe you need to protect yourself from your ex, because she may go back into this mode, which keeps you trapped in a spiral, wanting to protect her but not being able to get through her barrier. The lionness can appear at any time again and you may get hurt. The stress with children and family is ongoing and draining. What I needed then was back rubs, help with the coooking and housework and some tenderness during that time. I got that, but with a large bill to pay at the end. I could not pay that bill at the time but now am very grateful to this man who gave generously, but could not keep his resentments and emotions in his own backpack. You need clarity. She may not be ready to offer that to you.

    #205513

    John
    Participant

    Hi John,

    It's a good letter, and a good idea to tell your current GF that you need time alone. If you feel this strongly about your ex then you've got to give it a shot, right? If you don't do it, you'll always wonder. I think that the selfie she sent you may reveal something about how she feels about you, and her showing a little jealousy when she found out that you're seeing someone — same.  But what do I know?…maybe she wants to remain friends with you and nothing more. So anyway, I say go for it, and then respect whatever decision she makes. I hope it works out!

    Well, I asked her if she wanted to meet and it took her a whole day to respond.  She said “Hey.  I don’t think that’s a good idea at this point.  Have a good rest of the week.”  we texted a little bit back and forth after that.

    really confusing.  Does she not want to because it will bring  up feelings with her, or she just doesn't  want to see me period.  or what?  Sucks.  I'm going to send her that letter next week.  We will see then what happens.  Either she says yes or no.  Either way i will know for sure and be able to move on.  This hope and fantasy that i'm clinging on to is killing me.

    #205517

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    You know, the text messaging between you two is inconsistent with her not wanting you in her life. I can tell you that if I were completely done with an ex-boyfriend, I would not text him. Moreover, the text she sent you that said that no one has ever cared for her as much as you have is another indicator that there may still feelings there, in my opinion. Does she ever initiate the text messaging between you two, or is it always you? Regardless, she has certainly come a long way from the “Do not contact me or my friends/family again” statement to you. I guess the question is whether or not she wants to be more than friends.

    Is she exclusive with this new guy she's seeing? If so, that may be one reason why she doesn't want to meet up with you. Or she may just need some time. I don't know…I'm now thinking you may need to slow this down, be more patient, take a step back. You already sent the birthday card. She knows you're thinking about her. If she's starting to think about you again, I hope the letter you're planning to send next week doesn't make her bolt. The letter is going to require a response from her. From how you've described this situation, she doesn't seem like the type of person who wants this kind of pressure. If she's worth it, you may want to keep the text messaging going for a while, keep things light and fun, rebuild the relationship before sending the letter. Give her a chance to remember and miss the good stuff about the relationship.

    I know that being in limbo is killing you but based on your last post, if she gets that letter next week, her response to you may not be what you are hoping for. If you're at the point where, either way, you need to know where you stand with her right now, then send it, but be prepared to get some news that you don't want.

    Sorry.

    B

    #205521

    John
    Participant

    Lately I’m the one who intiates texting. However she did last weekend. When we first started texting she did a lot more.

    Yes she is seeing her bf exclusively. However he is living in another state for two years and she said that’s it not like a real relationship.

    She also had told me that that she was sorry that she couldn’t make me happy.   I told her that she she did. And that I caused my own unhapppiness.

    I think you are right about slowing down. If I do come across to strong she could see that as needy or clingy and demanding and scare her off.

    Really sucks though. Feels like I have to play this messed up game just to see if there is a chance. And how long do I do this for?

    She did wish me a happy birthday last month. So I will text her on her birthday and do the same. But besides that I will stop texting and let her initiate it.  It then if I do that and she doesn’t text then what?  Would that be because she is having feelings and is scared and it’s easier to forget or would it be because she doesn’t want anything more than friends?  OMG. This is so hard.

    #205523

    Airene
    Participant

    Hello John,

    I've been following the thread, but might have missed details.

    But with this last post, I thought I'd chime in and add my thoughts.  I understand you are in a relationship with a woman, not your ex.  Your ex is in a relationship with someone, but has told you that it's not like a real relationship.

    I do think that, given where your heart is, you need to talk to your current girlfriend and fill her in on what's happening.  I'm guessing she doesn't know you are texting your ex?  Also, I wonder how you would feel being with someone who loves you but isn't as crazy about you as their former boyfriend?  Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who felt that way about you?

    I also think it would be a good idea to let your ex initiate any texts from this point forward.  She may very well be trying to sort things out, and sort out how she feels about you, and also sort out whether she wants to get back with you, and what that would mean.  She might want to be sure about how she feels before going forward.

    And, then, it might be that she just likes the comfort of knowing you are there, knowing how much you love her.  And she might not have any intention of getting back with you.

    I don't like playing games either, and so would let this rest for now, not contacting your ex in any way, and waiting for her to reach out to you.  When she does, that might be the time to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her how confusing this is for you and what her intentions are behind contacting you.  She already told you it wouldn't be a good idea for you to see each other…at this point.  It almost seems like she wants to keep you hanging around.  I would want to know if that's true, and why she is doing that.

    Those are just my thoughts.  I know you are looking for some direction, and I hope the people in this thread have given you that.

    Airene

     

    #205525

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    Exactly — the last thing you want is to appear needy, clingy, and demanding. That'll be a deal breaker, so don't let that happen. As hard as this is for you, it's a good opportunity to prove to yourself that you're capable of sitting with the uncertainty of this situation and being okay while doing it. Reads to me that one reason you're here is because your impatience in the earlier difficult situation got the best of you, but you've learned from that already, so keep breathing and try to remain calm and patient. It sounds like you're determined not to repeat your earlier mistakes, so tell yourself that whatever happens here you'll be fine. Don't think of your decision to slow this down as a “messed up game”. Think of it as doing the mature, right thing. Show her you've changed.

    So she's in an exclusive relationship with this new guy but continues to text with you and has even confided in you that the relationship she's in is not like a real relationship. There's a message in there somewhere.

    Before I answer the rest of your questions, tell me, she knows how you feel about her, right? I mean, without sending the letter, she already knows that you love her and want her back?

    B

    #205565

    John
    Participant

     

    So she's in an exclusive relationship with this new guy but continues to text with you and has even confided in you that the relationship she's in is not like a real relationship. There's a message in there somewhere.

    Before I answer the rest of your questions, tell me, she knows how you feel about her, right? I mean, without sending the letter, she already knows that you love her and want her back?

    B

    Yeah, that's what is confusing also.  some of the things she has told me…  mind trip.  Don't know what she really is feeling. Maybe she's confused as well…

    Yes, i'm sure she knows that i still love her the way i did and would love to be back with her.  At least i think so.  I've always told her what she meant to me.  And in our texting, i've hinted around that.  But she knows i'm with someone as well.  I think i'm going to tell my current that I am screwed up right now and am still having feelings for my ex.  and that i need some time.  Cause it isn't fair to my current GF or myself to be doing this.  I really am a good guy.  Doing this is killing me.  I feel like the worlds biggest jerk.  Sucks.

    part of me wishes i would of never met my ex.  For me to still feel this way about her.  Feels like i will never be the same again.  Maybe she was “the one”?  I don't know how the universe works.  I know i've read about people thinking they lost “the one”, then they meet someone else that is better…

    I just don't know.  I know i miss her everyday.  Like there is still a hole in my chest.  I know that I love my current GF.  But the love is not the same.  And she is wonderful.  It's so screwed up.  I'm so screwed up.  there are things that i wish my ex would of done, but she never did(because of all the other drama in her life).  My current does all those things on her own.  I feel completely comfortable around her, and love hanging out with her.

    BUT…

    She just doesn't make me feel the same way.  I can't explain it at all.  With my ex, when i knew we were going to see each other.  I got so worked up and excited-even after a year of being together.  that feeling never changed.  If i knew i was going to visit her after work or something, i would get everything figured out so as soon as i got off work, i was on the road.

    She also made me want to be a better man, a better father, better all around.  I had drive, motivation, self respect, everything was boosted!

    Now… I feel like i do the minimum to get by. I have gotten better, but i still feel like something is missing.  a part of me is gone and it's hard to function without it.

    When i am with my current GF, i do feel good and happy.  But just not the same feeling as I had with my ex.

    Maybe i need to accept the fact that i may never have that feeling again and take what i can get and be happy with that.  I don't know.  I'm so lost.  and my heart belongs to someone that may never want it again.  God i'm a freakin mess.

    I know i've been rambling back and forth and stuff.  I do really appreciate you guys talking to me.  getting you're opinions and advice has been refreshing.  I think the best thing right now is to stop initiating contact.  It will be hard.  Talking or texting her again, it's brought up so much feeling inside me.  WOW.

    One thing though, it is her birthday tomorrow.  Do i send her a text just saying happy Birthday?  or not?  She did to me on mine.

    #205567

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I think that you are on a rollercoaster of emotion and that your reasoning abilities are temporarily incapacitated. I think it will be an excellent idea for you to take a break, go to a gym perhaps, go into a sauna, let this emotion calm down… get off this rollercoaster.

    You may like the rollercoaster ride, maybe you feel like staying on it, it is thrilling.

    But when you had enough, get off it. A sauna or a jacuzzi or a long hike in nature. Perhaps psychotherapy.

    After you get off the ride, then resurrect your logic and reasoning abilities and make the choices you need to make.

    anita

    #205573

    John
    Participant

    You know what.  I've really been thinking about this.  A lot.  Maybe the roller coaster is part of the desire?  I do know that our entire relationship i was always “waiting”  waiting for that next text or phone call, waiting to see her, waiting for her to tell me she missed me or loved me, always had that anticipation with her.  Maybe that was some of the excitement.  God  i don't know.  I know she wasn't perfect by any means and she had and still probably has a lot of issues.  But she was perfect for me.  DAmn i'm screwed up.  Why is my heart so big.  I hate it.  sometimes i wish i was ruined and cold and didn't want to share my soul with anyone.  sucks.  Nice guys finish last right??  I wish i could just let go of that fantasy of being with her again and enjoy what i have right in front of me and what she is willing to give for me.  But the truth is i still think about my ex, even when i'm with my current.  how is that possible.  Is it possible to love two people at the same time on different levels?  Oh i hate this.  I do need a break from it all.  but when i have time alone, that's when my OCD brain really takes over.  I have so many problems in my own head, i don't deserve anyone….

    these next couple weeks are going to be tough.  I know that.  I am going to take a break from my current.  And that's going to suck, cause i do miss her when we aren't together.  I need to get my head straight though.  I know she will understand that.  She has told me before if i need time and space she will give it to me and wait.  She really is a wonderful person with nothing but love to give.

    Augghh!  picked a good time to try to quit smoking too!!!

    #205585

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I re-read your posts. This is a summary of your situation as I understand it:

    You were married before for 12 years. Now divorced. You had a relationship with your ex girlfriend for a year. That relationship ended  about six months ago . Since the breakup you've been having a relationship with your current girlfriend and she's been having a relationship with her current boyfriend. There was no contact between you and your ex for a while and recently contact was resumed mostly if not solely through texting.

    This is my current understanding of what may be happening:

    You have been depressed for quite a while, many years perhaps. Sometimes more intensely than at other times. You wrote that after your ex left you, you fell “into a bad depression… lasted about 3 months”.

    I think you were depressed before you met your ex, throughout your relationship with your ex and currently. I think that what attracted you to your ex girlfriend was all the drama in her life, that was a wonderful-to-you distraction from your depression, it kept you going, high on her drama.

    You wrote about your ex: “She had a perfect storm of life drama around the same time” (of your relationship with her). You wrote that you “tried to ‘help  out' too much” and then “It all came crashing down… it got ugly. Real ugly. She told me never to contact her or her friends/family ever again!”

    I think you loved her drama and you added more drama to her life, excited by drama. And recently, for no reason, seems like, you have been experiencing lots of post relationship drama. Nothing significant has happened: you have a relationship with your current girlfriend, your ex has her own relationship, nothing happened and yet, you are riding a roller coaster of emotions.

    What happened, I think, is that following the initial excitement of your new relationship, you experienced the depression again. So you re-created the drama of your past relationship, all  in your brain (nothing happened recently in real life), and so you get the break you need from the monotony of your depression, a mania of sorts, the extreme end of the depressive mood before.

    When in the drama of your previous relationship, you wrote: “I had drive, motivation, self respect, everything was boosted!”-

    your words, “everything was boosted!” with an exclamation mark. That was that mania-like state of mind.

    Then the depression returned and you “feel like I do the minimum to get by”-

    And so, you re-created the excitement, the drama.

    anita

     

     

    #205593

    John
    Participant

    Anita, thanks for your response.  when i got divorced, i was single for 2 years or longer with no interest in dating.  And my divorce ended very well.  we are best friends now.  We just grew apart.  When i did start dating again, i dated a few different women for a month or two each before i met her.  I was attracted to her, how she talked, thought, everything.  Seriously after our first real conversation, everything just clicked and felt right.  I can't explain it, but I knew she was the one.  I didn't know about the drama for awhile.  And i can tell you this.  I absolutely hated it.  Still do.  Whenever her drama came up, it screwed up everything.  The reason i tried to help was to help her be done with it.  I just wanted her to be happy, instead everyday there was something and I was her venting post.  Which i was fine with but it did get old.  I wanted a relationship with her like it was.  but because of the drama, it got screwed up.  Yes, I felt Boosted with her, but I was not depressed before her.  I was very happy.  Just alone.  That's when i decided to start dating.  She just made me feel good, when you feel good you want to do more, do better.  That's what it was.

    My Current girlfriend has drama also, which is a huge red flag for me.  Specially after dealing with my ex's drama so much.  That is something that I plan on talking to her about.  She has kid/family/work/money issues right now.  And i don't need that again.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate drama.  it sucks.  brings down the mood and situation.  I used to be a negative person years ago and i learned that when your negative, you attract negativity.  I've been positive and looked at the good side of things.  The last thing I want is more negativity in my life.  I just want to be happy and smile everyday..

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