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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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  • #309357
    Valora
    Participant

    So, of coarse she made it about her.  Why can’t you love me, what did I do, and so on.  I told her it’s not her so much as everything and our situation.

    I’m glad to hear that it seems to be sinking in that you aren’t in love with her, but if you two fight again and she launches into the “this is about me!” thing, I think you need to let her know it IS her, too.  Her reactions to things are not at all healthy (and there is no excuse for it anymore. You’ve been faithful so she needs to trust you), and that’s putting a huge strain on your relationship too. It would with literally any guy she dates. NOBODY is going to want to put up with that, so that’s something she’s going to need to change in order to ever have a healthy relationship with anyone.

    Aside from that, you two just aren’t compatible, so it’s you, her, and both of you together that isn’t working. She needs to understand it’s not something she can change. Even if she stopped being so paranoid and even when you love yourself again, you’re not going to go back to her. You guys aren’t compatible.

    She didn’t give me the chance or chances that I have given my girlfriend now.  I wish she would of, however knowing what I know now, i don’t think it would have mattered.  Just like things with my girlfriend and my feelings haven’t changed. They wouldn’t have changed with my ex.

    THIS is a very important lesson to learn and I’m so happy you’ve learned it. I hope you remember this and that it helps when you start wondering “what if” again. No matter what you did or didn’t do, it likely would’ve worked out the same way. Even if it lengthened your time together out, it probably just would’ve made things more painful, as it has with you and your current girlfriend.  This was clearly a lesson that you very much needed to learn because you were put in TWO situations that eventually helped you to figure this out.  So it’s just as important to make sure you remember it so that the lesson doesn’t have to repeat itself.

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Valora.
    #309375
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    “the rest of the night was horrible. We got in a couple big fights, yelling and screaming“-

    There are two young children living in the home. They heard their drunk mother and her boyfriend screaming and yelling. How traumatized are they because this is often their experience?

    While you, John, keep going back in your mind and heart to your ex girlfriend, and while she, your current girlfriend, cries and hyperventilates, fearing losing you,

    who is paying tending the children??? 

    Whose mind and heart is with the children???

    anita

    #309389
    John
    Participant

    but if you two fight again and she launches into the “this is about me!” thing, I think you need to let her know it IS her, too.  Her reactions to things are not at all healthy (and there is no excuse for it anymore. You’ve been faithful so she needs to trust you), and that’s putting a huge strain on your relationship too

    I actually did tell her that much.  I told her that her insecurities are causing a lot of issues and that I know i screwed up in the past, however I haven’t been talking to anyone for a long, long time.  That i’ve even quit talking to my sister about our relationship.  That god forbid i would want to hang out with my best friend for a little bit because the would be at home stewing the whole time thinking i’m doing something else or seeing someone else.

    Aside from that, you two just aren’t compatible, so it’s you, her, and both of you together that isn’t working.

    I told her this also.  That we can have fun together, but we don’t fit together, that we are not compatible.  I’ve told her that several times.

     

    anita, the kids were at their older sisters that night.  So it was just me and her at home.

    #309395
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I am glad the kids were not present for the latest two fights and I hope they were not present for the previous fights, that their mother and you are careful to not expose them to loud voices, yelling, and whatever other forms of aggression take place when the two  of you fight.

    No  doubt though that the children are badly affected by what is going on in the home when they are present. You  already shared that both her children behave badly, particularly her son. You wrote that his mother was planning to look for professional help for his emotional and behavioral problems.

    Please keep her children’s well-being in mind in all that you do. 

    anita

    • This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #309461
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi John!

    I’m glad you told her those things. Hopefully, it will keep sinking in to the point where she understands and accepts that you two aren’t a match and then hopefully that will also make it easier for you two to separate because she won’t be holding on so tightly.

    #312811
    John
    Participant

    Well, nothing much to say.  She is still in total denial.  Things have gotten worse.  I’m really trying to end this and get it through her head.  I really don’t want to  have to sell all my things so I can move, but I guess it may come to that.  I’m so done, but i feel so responsible for her and her kids.  This situation is the worst thing ever.  To make things even worse, I really feel like everyday that I deal with her, it makes me dwell on my past more and more.  Today was a really hard one.  I cried again.  I feel like my heart breaks over again every day.  I am a mess.  I am going to look back into counseling as soon as I can afford it.  unfortunately this situation as got me down to the penny every paycheck now.  I haven’t been in this bad of shape for years.  I’m not looking for pity or even a response.  I just needed to say something to someone.  Sorry for the repeat of my shit.  Thanks for listening.

    #312813
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    You are a mess, John. And you have been a mess for a long, long time.

    You’ve been closed to all input offered you on your threads, including my own.

    Your kids, her kids, you and her are all in trouble and yet you are still focused on a long ago woman who was in your life for a short time, an ex girlfriend.

    You focus on a love story that doesn’t exist and is long gone while neglecting a true story, a real-life story that is happening right now, where “Things have gotten worse” and have been getting worse for a while.

    Move away from fantasy, and from trying to “get it through her head”, and instead, get it through your own head that reality needs to be focused on, (not fantasy!).

    anita

    #312853
    Valora
    Participant

    To make things even worse, I really feel like everyday that I deal with her, it makes me dwell on my past more and more.

    Honestly, John, I’m quite positive it does. I’m 100% sure, in fact, because your horrible situation makes you think of a time when things were NOT horrible, and your default for “one of the best times I’ve my life” has become your relationship with your ex, so you’re going to have a terrible time trying to get over her for as long as your current relationship lasts. I know how you feel, though. I go back and forth, too.

    Has she looked into any more government help lately? Again, without putting you down as living with her?  One small paycheck in a 3-person household usually means you can get help through the government.

    #312953
    John
    Participant

    she has, she only gets $90 in food stamps, no cash assistance.  For daycare she would have to pay the first $400.  She did fill out an application for low income housing, however the waiting list for that could be up to 3 years.   So who knows when and what is going to  happen.

    Here is something that is really messed up.  Her brother ended and kicked out his girlfriend.  he told her she could move in if she paid $400 and utilities.  Her kids would of had to share  a room, but she would have been back close to her family and friends and her kids have lots 0f friends there.  We talked about it and i told her that i thought it was a good idea.  Then before we could talk more, she told her brother no, that she couldn’t afford it and that she didn’t want to move her kids, just to have to move them again later.  She decided all of this without having a final discussion with me first.  So i was going to bring it back up to her Monday after work ( i would have sooner, but we had our daughters birthday parties on Sunday and I didn’t want to ruin that for them) and tell her that I think she needs to do that, that I would even help pay if necessary for a month or two.  but once again drama struck.  her oldest daughter had baby daddy problems and had to move out of her apartment ASAP(he got violent).  So she moved in to my girlfriends brothers house instead.

    I tell you, it is amazing how things work.  I had my opportunity and i missed it.  She knows that i’m not in love with her, but she is still hanging on, trying to do whatever she can to make it happen…  HMMMM sounds familiar.  i guess in a way i’m doing the same thing in my head with the ghost in my past.

    #313013
    Valora
    Participant

    John, I think it’s finally time that you stop feeling sorry for her and kick. her. out.  Her having the option to leave and not taking it means she’s definitely taking advantage of you.

    This wasn’t YOUR opportunity, it was HER opportunity and she didn’t take it because she has you.  What she is doing now isn’t like what you did with your ex-girlfriend. You didn’t take advantage of your ex just so you could hold on.  You may not have fully let her go emotionally, but you DID let her go off to do her own thing and often since then, it has been her contacting you. Your girlfriend, however, is USING YOU in order to hold onto you. That is soooo much different. So if anything… you don’t have to feel guilty anymore because now you are very clearly being taken advantage of and it’s time for her to go.

    #313113
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    It was in May 1, 2018 when you mentioned your current girlfriend for the first time. This is what you wrote then:

    “i’m in a relationship with someone else now. I feel love for her also.. She will give me anything I want and need, she and I have a lot in common and are very comfortable around each other”-

    – the two of you do  have a few things in common. She has minor age kids and so do you. She has an older, adult daughter from a relationship earlier to the one with whom she has her minor kids, and so do you, you too  have an older, adult daughter from a relationship before the one with your ex wife.

    And then, her adult daughter has a child and your adult daughter also has a child, the two  of you are grandparents.

    Also, she is needy and you are needy, the two of you have that in common as well, being needy and clingy. She clings to you, you cling to her (and you emotionally cling to another woman, the ex girlfriend).

    You and your current girlfriend cling to each other, both. It is not just she who is clinging to you.

    I wish the two  of you worked it out, you and your current girlfriend, so that each one of you would finally have a stable, loving relationship. Unfortunately, you holding on to a memory of an ex girlfriend has been a major problem in making this happen. If it happened, if the two of you made it and had a good relationship, that would have helped her kids and yours.

    Now you say you want out but you are waiting for her to make the decision for you.

    What a mess, John. What a mess it has been for so long.

    I wrote to you earlier that you were closed off to all input. I was not correct, you were open just a bit. For example, you did start another thread after I suggested that you do.

    I am ready today to make this post that I am about to submit, the very last post to  you. This time I will not forget of this assertion and indeed I will not reply to  you again. The reason: because I am done. There is nothing new I can tell you.

    I wish you, your children, her, her children, and your grandchildren better life experiences than those you have had so far. I wish you all stability and well-being, together or separately.

    anita

    #313985
    John
    Participant

    well, we talked last sunday.  I told her that i was upset that she didn’t even want to talk to me before she made a decision on taking up her brothers offer.  It got into a pretty heated discussion.  At the end she ended up talking to her mom and brother and was going to move out at the end of this week.  Then she figured out  cost of the rent and utilities that they wanted from her was too much and she could not afford it.  not without giving up her car which would put her in a bad situation having two kids.  Basically the $$ was too much for her to afford.  So she is stuck at my house.  I really wish she didn’t have kids.  It would make things so much easier.  She has applied at low income housing and is looking into that.  until then we are making do.  She is clear on how I feel now, although she still has this hope she is clinging to that things are good.  Even though they are not.  After my week with my kids is over (monday), i’m going to have another talk with her and tell her that just because she is staying there, that doesn’t mean that we are good.  I  am done.  I’m tired of this situation.  I know that we aren’t compatible and that the more she is there the more irritable I get.  I’m going to make that loud and clear for her.  I just want to wait until after my kids are at their mothers to talk again.  I just wish her kids had a place to go too.  It is amazing the relief I felt when we decided for her to move out by the end of the week, then the resentment i felt when we found out it’s not financially possible for her.  I am really done now though.  The feeling i got when she said she was leaving was amazing.  Like i could finally breathe again.  A real eye opener for me.  It is going to be a rough few weeks until she can figure things out.  hopefully this will motivate her more though.

    #320725
    John
    Participant

    Hello, i know, or i get the impression most of you are done listening to me.  I need to talk and have no body to confide in, so this is it.  Even if i get no responses, It will help me just writing this out.

    since my last post, my girlfriend and i have been doing this break up/make up routine every weekend.  Big drawn out ugly fights, then in a day or two we get back together.  Well last night we got into a big one.  Long story short, I told her i need to be alone with my girls and she asked if I would be okay with her not there.  She asked if i would miss her.  I told her i would be fine.  I would miss her, but as a friend.  That I am done and need to be alone so I can fix myself.  So I think that finally did it.  Today she said she changed her status on FB and is packing and going to stay in her sons room until she can find somewhere to go.  Her family is screwed up.  All they want is money from her and none of them are stepping up to help.  I hope that now they will.  She needs love and support.  I feel so bad about all of this.  Seeing her cry  and hurt breaks my heart.  And the kids… They are going to be devastated.  I know this is toxic for everyone to continue what we have been doing and in the long run it will be better for everyone, but it is so hard and painful.  We all hurt tremendously.

    Another thing surfaced as well in my life.  Turns out my Best friends wife recently became friends with my ex on FB also recently.  That was definitely a big blow to me.  I’ve know her for over twenty years, she knows how I feel and has been a front row witness to my pain and struggle.  I have confided in her over the last year and a half about my feelings and how I am doing.  She didn’t even really like my ex, especially after we broke up-she hated her.  Now this?  Then my ex posted a comment on her time line!  What the hell?   I feel so betrayed by my friends wife.  She is like a sister to me.  I can’t help but wonder who reached out to who and why?  I know it doesn’t matter, but damn.  Even when we were together my friends wife pretty much ignored her and gave her the cold shoulder.  I am so lost with everything.   I know that seeing my friends wife be friends with my ex shouldn’t even bother me and is none of my business, but it does and it hurts and is very confusing.  I feel like everything is crashing down around me.  I’m not looking for sympathy, just need to express myself.  I can’t even talk to my best friend who i’ve know for over 30 years now because of conflict of interest.

    The only thing I do know is i’m not backing down with my girlfriend this time.  This time it is final. WE are finally over.  I know it’s going  to get uglier before it gets better, but I can only hope that she is able to leave my house soon and I can rebuild myself like i need to.  And i hope she can as well.  I do love and care for her, just not in love with her like I should be.

    I am so ready for this year to be over.  I really hope I am able to make next a good one, be positive and rebuild myself and my life.  For me and my girls.

     

    #320779
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi John! I want to apologize. I didn’t see your post from the 24th, so that’s why I didn’t respond to it. Sometimes the page doesn’t bring new posts to the top, but I agree that you should definitely keep writing even when you don’t get a response.

    It sounds like you are in sort of a roommate situation with her now, so that’s a step forward, and it also seems like she’s not so much in denial. I hope she’s able to find someplace to go soon, and I think it was a good idea for her to move into her son’s room.

    As for your ex, I understand why you would feel upset about your best friend’s wife seemingly having a friendship with her, but I’m sure your best friend’s wife also knows you’ve been wanting your ex back all this time, right? So she may not realize how upset you would be about them being friends. Aside from that… what if you look at this another way… what if this is a stepping stone for her to come back into your life.  I’m not saying to read into it or to count on this as a way for you to get back together (so be sure to manage your expectations when I say this), but maybe it’s not really a bad thing. Maybe if your best friend’s wife gets along with or likes her now, that means she’s grown up some and is showing more maturity. And keep in mind, you still have to deal with the situation you’re in too and be single for a while to get back to feeling like yourself, but try to see this friendship in a positive light. There’s always a possibility that it could bode well for in the distant future, either as a way for you two to get to know each other again OR what if you learn more about her from your friend’s wife and realize you don’t like how she’s changed and she’s not the person you’ve built her up in your head to be and that helps you to finally get fully over her and move on. Perhaps this will help you see her in whatever light you truly need to see her in to feel better overall about that situation. Either way, I’d try to look at it from another perspective so you don’t feel upset and just go with the flow on this one because you just never know what may come of it.

    Anyway, I think you’re on a good track with your girlfriend, and I would even suggest you guys agree to stop calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend and now you’re just roommates.  She might realize even more that she doesn’t not want to be a roommate with her ex and that might help her to find a place quicker.

    #320823
    John
    Participant

    Thanks Valora.

    Well she is moving out with in a couple/few weeks.  She started packing yesterday.  She is going to be in a hardship, but her mom is going to try to help.. Her kids were upset.  Especially her daughter.  She thought that i would never see her(her daughter) again.  I told her that she can come and visit me and the girls when she wants if we can make it happen.  She was also upset about changing schools and being embarrassed about going back to her old school, so i told her about my history as a child and how much i switched schools and that her old friends are going to be excited to see her again.  When we were done talking she felt pretty good.  As far as my girls… They were both excited.  I guess that goes to show something there.  My “roommate” thought that i was going to just go completely out of the picture.  I told her I would never do that to her kids, especially considering my child hood and issues I had with visitation with my oldest.  I am like a father to her kids.    I figure when they are gone, if they want to visit or stay the night when i have my girls, then no worries.  And that eventually over time they will fade out.  If not, then that is okay too.   I did make sure to clarify that doesn’t mean we are still trying.

    As far as my friends wife and my ex.  I am still just blown away and in disbelief.  It’s not like we share a circle of friends or acquaintances to where this is something that would happen because of that.  either of them had to intentionally look up the other one for a reason.  What ever it is, i am going to do my best to stay out of it and not assume anything.  Really, this is none of my business and I have to treat it that way.  Like you said, who knows why and the intention, but you never know what could come of this.  I am not going to push for anything or try to make anything happen.  I’m just going to focus on myself and learn to love myself again.  Maybe in time i will get back to the man I was and my ex will see that and reach out?  OR maybe she is truly in love with her man and she will be with him forever, Or maybe i will eventually find someone else that does fit me, or maybe in the end I will learn how to be just friends.

    I do know that I can’t dwell on that and try to make anything happen.  What will be will be.  For now it’s all about me and making me better.

    That being said.  I still miss her every day, so this will be very difficult especially if they continue to start commenting on each others pages.

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