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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 460 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 1 hour, 22 minutes ago.

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  • #307759

    John
    Participant

    anita i just read your post.  very insightful.  it does make a lot of sense.  there are a few things that are different.

    I’m not afraid to be alone.  I was alone for two years after I separated from my wife and was perfectly happy.  I would prefer it instead of living with my girlfriend.  I can’t move out tho, i don’t have any money, credit cards are maxed, nothing i can “borrow”.  in fact i did a budget for myself for the next year trying to figure out how to get some money and I found out i’ll be lucky to have $400 a month for food and gas, let alone any emergencies or spending or savings.  I went into this deep of debt helping my girlfriend, thinking thing would get better for her and she would be able to help back, but they just got worse.

    I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now financially.  And how ever I am doing she is worse off with money.

    I feel like I am in a lose lose situation.

    I do care for her and her kids.  I don’t want to hurt them anymore, but I don’t want them on the street either.

    Believe me, I wish I had the money to move out, or to help her move out.  If i could afford it i would even pay her rent somewhere else.

    For me to move it would cost me at least $4000.  for her it would probably cost a minimum of $2500 depending on if we could even find an apartment cheap enough.  That’s just something neither of us have and would take at least a year to save up.

    back to what you posted.  I do see that excitement you were talking about.  That longing i have.  Maybe it’s not for my ex, but just that feeling.  but if that is the case, why do i think just about her, her face, her smile, her touch.  I didn’t need to go on trips and have fun with her.  With her i would have been more than willing to be more broke than i am now just to take care of her so we could live together.

    There are so many dynamics of this relationship i am in now that relate to me and my ex.  1. my girlfriend has told me all she wants to do is love me.  2.  she told me she doesn’t care if we are broke, as long as we are together.  3. she would do anything for me, if i asked her to move out of state she would without hesitation.  4.  she looks at me how I used to look at my ex.  There are lots and lots more.  It is still weird to me how it feels like i’m in the same relationship only i’m in my ex’s shoes now.

    What i don’t understand is if i am afraid to be alone or need that comfort of someone, then why can’t i embrace my girlfriend now and let her love me like she wants to?

    All i know for sure is that whatever it is, i miss it.   Terribly.  I’m tired.  So tired of thinking about her every single morning when i wake up and being the last thing i think of before i go to sleep.  It’s so bad that when there is a moment i’m not thinking about her, i get excited and then i do start thinking about her unwillingly.  I don’t know how to not.  It absolutely consumes me.  I’ll be honest, it has been very hard to not contact her.  I have been fighting it with every part of me.  The last time we texted was new years eve.  This has been the longest stretch.   before this 3 months was the longest.

    I need to go,  writing about this has brought tears to my eyes again.

    I really do appreciate all of you and your patience and still responding to me .  this is the only vent i really have.  I hope i can build the courage to do what i need to do and stand by it.   Thanks again.

    #307765

    Valora
    Participant

    John, did you see my post? What do you think about couples counseling? It may help you get out of the situation you’re in, and the counselor may have resources to help your girlfriend financially and with housing. They may know of resources that you two don’t know about.

    Also, why would it cost her $2500 to move? Did it cost that much for her to move to your place?

    I do see that excitement you were talking about.  That longing i have.  Maybe it’s not for my ex, but just that feeling.  but if that is the case, why do i think just about her, her face, her smile, her touch.  I didn’t need to go on trips and have fun with her.  With her i would have been more than willing to be more broke than i am now just to take care of her so we could live together.

    It IS just the feeling you want. You are only thinking about her because your mind is attaching her to that feeling, like she’s the only way to get that feeling.  It’s made you a bit codependent when it comes to her (you’d be willing to be in an extremely unhealthy and stressful financial situation just to be with her), just as your current girlfriend is with you. Your ex isn’t the only way to get that feeling… but she is all your mind knows at the moment. It’s likely going to take a new person, the right person, to change your mind’s position on that.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by  Valora.
    #307777

    Valora
    Participant

    What i don’t understand is if i am afraid to be alone or need that comfort of someone, then why can’t i embrace my girlfriend now and let her love me like she wants to?

    I also want to comment on this… you can’t embrace your girlfriend and let her love you like she wants to because you do not feel the same about her. She isn’t your match. She thinks she’s your match because she’s very codependent on your love. That’s not a healthy thing to be.

    I also kind of disagree with Anita’s last post on where your feelings are likely coming from because your situation and mine are very, very similar when it comes to our exes, but our childhoods were VASTLY different. Could not have been more different, and yet we have similar feelings/experiences with our exes. I also was single for 10 years before I dated my ex and now have been single for almost 2 years, so it’s definitely not that I fear being alone either (and I get plenty of comfort from my kiddos and my close-knit family), so if that is the case for me and yet I am also still having this attachment to my ex that I can’t seem to break, your childhood past probably isn’t the problem for you either.  I totally get what she’s saying about feeling activation and I do think that’s true in some cases, but this really is a different sort of thing.

    Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about my ex every day. I do not allow it to consume me, but it very easily could if I let it. I also miss him dearly, and my mind also wants to think he is THE ONE, likely because I haven’t found anyone else yet that I have a similar connection with that comes even close to what I felt with him. So I get what you’re feeling. I just remind myself often that there are lots of guys that I haven’t met yet and my mind doesn’t know my connection with those guys. You might want to try reminding yourself that there are millions of women that you haven’t met yet, too. Your mind doesn’t REALLY know, even though it thinks it does. And it’s okay to love your ex and to think she’s special to you, but just remain open to other possibilities. That’s the key.

    At any rate, I think this is less to do with anything from your past and more to do with the fact that you felt a consummate type of love with this woman, which is rare, and your mind is convinced that you will not ever find that type of love and feeling in another person. Your mind is wrong. It’s out there. It’s just hard to find, and staying in your current situation is keeping you from being available to find it, so that’s also likely why you’re feeling hopeless.

    #307781

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    You are welcome. I wouldn’t have returned to your thread if Valora didn’t post to you “How are things going, John?” three days ago.

    As I read your recent post, I was wondering if your sister living in New Jersey, can help you. You shared long ago that she owns a brewery there.

    For every person, when first meeting a person, that person triggers a good feeling, a bad feeling or no feeling. When a person triggers a good feeling in us before we get to know the person, it is because that person reminds us of  something good. Your ex girlfriend used to get excited by little things and when she spent time with you, in the beginning at least, she looked at you like she didn’t want to be anywhere else but with you. Something in her eyes, the way her face lighted up when she looked at you, that triggered a euphoric, wonderful feeling in you.

    I think there is nothing more intoxicating for you than to be wanted that way, to be looked at with that excitement in her eyes, her face, her voice, her words.

    Your current girlfriend doesn’t have that look on her face, she doesn’t get excited about little things, she is often depressed or bitter and you miss your long ago, ex girlfriend’s excitement.

    It doesn’t matter to me personally if you contact your ex (I don’t think it will get you to a worse place than where you are now). I don’t care if you stay with your current girlfriend or move out- what matters to me is your mental health as well as the mental health of the people you interact with: your own daughters, your girlfriend’s children and her own. Whatever works for the mental health of the people involved is the right thing to do.

    Your relationship with your current girlfriend has been miserable for a long time and is not getting better. It is getting worse. So I figure it needs to end. You are in a mental health hole and you are digging a deeper and deeper hole for yourself and for all who are involved.

    Another way to put it: everyone in this situation is injured and bleeding, every day.

    Question is: how do you dig your way out of the hole; how do you stop the bleeding?

    Notice what you wrote about your long ago ex girlfriend: “With her I would have been more than willing to be more broke than I am now just to take care of her so we could live together”- so you see: it is possible for you to live while being as broke as you are now and even more broke. You can move out and be more broke if you are motivated.

    Notice how A Feeling is so important to you, how you long for that feeling every day, consumed by it. Feelings are most important for everyone, it is how we experience life. But in your situation everyone feels badly. Everyone suffers. Don’t you see that you need to make it better for everyone by digging yourself out of this hole, by stopping the bleeding?

    anita

    #308081

    John
    Participant

    Valora, yes i have considered it (counseling).  The problem again is $$$$.  I can barely afford to keep food on the table anymore.  a good example is that last time i went grocery shopping I had to buy 2 cases of cups  of noodles.   Its freaking ridiculous.  With the money I make and having two incomes.  I should be thriving.  But her not being able to contribute…  and she hasn’t ever gotten ahead or really been able to help.   In fact she had to use her visa card to pay her phone last month.  That’s another issue tho.  back to your idea.  I think counseling would be good.  especially if we each had one on one time.  Then the counselor could help her see that we aren’t good together.

    For her to move.  She would have to find at least a two bedroom apartment.  Those average around $900.  so first, last = $1800.  Deposit, usually $200-$600.  For me it’s even more cause i would need a house or if I got an apartment would have to rent one big ass shop/storage to store all of my stuff.

    I do think you are right about finding the right person to get that feeling back.  Now, i just feel resentment, regret, guilt, pity, guilt, remorse, guilt.  did i say guilt?  I wish i would have never moved her in.  I really think that was the worse thing I ever did.(well i say that about a lot of things..)

    Anyway, it’s been almost 2 years and I still think about my ex every day. I do not allow it to consume me, but it very easily could if I let it. I also miss him dearly, and my mind also wants to think he is THE ONE, likely because I haven’t found anyone else yet that I have a similar connection with that comes even close to what I felt with him. So I get what you’re feeling. I just remind myself often that there are lots of guys that I haven’t met yet and my mind doesn’t know my connection with those guys. You might want to try reminding yourself that there are millions of women that you haven’t met yet, too. Your mind doesn’t REALLY know, even though it thinks it does. And it’s okay to love your ex and to think she’s special to you, but just remain open to other possibilities. That’s the key.

    Thanks for this.  It helps.  I do love my ex.  a lot.  I know she is happy.   I know if she wanted me back she would have taken measures to get me back.  It’s very hard to explain this feeling i still have.  This weird  connection I still feel with her.  Maybe i’m high, but maybe not.  The last time i was feeling this.  I mean really feeling it, I was wondering to myself if she’s out there thinking of me.  (This was when we weren’t talking before the last time we started talking again.) It wasn’t long after that that she reached out and contacted me, we started talking and very shortly after that is when she told me “she thinks of me often”.  I really do believe she does miss me in a way and misses what her and I had also.  Like she told me once “I was in a beautiful relationship with a man”.  she was referring to me.  It was beautiful.  I do know now that it was not all my fault why she left.  I do catch myself thinking that “why didn’t i do this or say that, maybe that would have changed things”  But really, she is the one that couldn’t really tell me how she is feeling.  She is the one that may or may not have cheated on me or started talking to someone before we broke up.  She is the one that didn’t like to communicate and kept me available at her convenience.  When is she would have made me feel like I was a priority once in a while.  Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so needy and clingy.  trying to control our time together so I could know i was going to see her.  Maybe that was a recipe for disaster in itself.  and now…  It’s the same, but i’m in different shoes.  The difference is i have told my girlfriend how i  feel, what i think.  I even told her one night that sometimes, she needs to keep her opinion and thoughts to herself, because she assumes things that aren’t true and makes up scenarios in her head.  Like yesterday.  I had to run to the store to get laundry and dish soap.  When I got in my truck i was texting her oldest daughter(she just had a baby and is having a difficult time, so i was telling her things will be okay) and then i looked up and my girlfriend was standing right there.  She thought i was texting someone else.  So i had to show her my phone to prove it.  I know I created that thinking in her and I am deeply sorry for that, but damn.

    I do think the sooner i can get my girlfriend and her kids out of my life, the better and the easier i will be able to heal.  I think having her there for me is a burden and it just magnifies the good that i did have with my ex instead of letting that fade into the past.

    dang, i just spent 20 minutes on here!  I have to go for now.  Keep in touch, thank you again.  anita, i’ll address what you wrote next time I’m on here.

    #308083

    John
    Participant

    i meant to put quotes around Valor’s statement about “anyway, its been almost 2 years….”

    #308107

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I know you didn’t respond to my reply to you yet, but I do have something to say based on your recent post and many posts before it: you are a grown man, a grandfather with minor age daughters, living with a woman who has two minor children, younger than yours. You are in a bad financial state, living with a woman in an even worse financial state, the relationship with her has been bad for so very long… and yet, you think and act like a teenager in love. In love with a woman far and gone from your life in each and every practical way.

    You are not a teenager, John. There are children involved in this, children who depend on you (and on their mothers).

    I see this image in my mind: the world is falling apart, bombs exploding, building crumbling, children screaming in pain and yet,  here walks this grandfather with a flower in his hands, peeling of petal after petal: “She loves me-She loves me not-She loves me-She loves me not”.

    Look around you- children are being hurt and harmed, money is being depleted and homelessness is a possibility, let go of that flower you are holding in your hands, looking at.. she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not. There are more important things at stake, other things to focus on, real life practical problems to attend to Now.

    anita

    #308121

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    You have shared your pain in every posting.  I hope you are getting the support you are seeking, whether it is empathy or practical advice.  I know it is easy to give advice and sometimes extremely hard to implement it.  I notice whenever I read your posts; I get a sense of hand wringing, self hatred, overwhelm, some confusion, guilt from you.  Coming from that emotional space, I can understand you feel absolutely stuck and cannot really take a step back and take action that you need in order to take care of yourself and your family.

    I must say, reading this repeated theme in each post causes me to be really frustrated for it does not seem to change.  That’s my issue.  I will leave others to respond more empathetically since I don’t see you really able to do anything different.

    Mark

    #308603

    John
    Participant

    Notice how A Feeling is so important to you, how you long for that feeling every day, consumed by it. Feelings are most important for everyone, it is how we experience life. But in your situation everyone feels badly. Everyone suffers. Don’t you see that you need to make it better for everyone by digging yourself out of this hole, by stopping the bleeding?

    Yes, i do see that.  I feel like however how hard i try, i feel guilty and see the hurt i cause and give in to try to make it better.  I know it’s not right.

    I see this image in my mind: the world is falling apart, bombs exploding, building crumbling, children screaming in pain and yet,  here walks this grandfather with a flower in his hands, peeling of petal after petal: “She loves me-She loves me not-She loves me-She loves me not”.

    Look around you- children are being hurt and harmed, money is being depleted and homelessness is a possibility, let go of that flower you are holding in your hands, looking at.. she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not. There are more important things at stake, other things to focus on, real life practical problems to attend to Now.

    I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

    I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

     

    Mark, when i do need someone to talk or vent to my sister does listen.  I don’t like talking to my friends anymore about it because as you can imagine everyone is burnt out on my depression and problems.

    I do see what you are saying though.  either take a shit or get off the pot.  The problem is every time i try to, I give in to the pain i see on my girlfriend’s face.  I know the hurt she feels and me causing that cripples my decision making ability even though i know it’s just prolonging and causing more hurt and pain for everyone.  I do know I need to do something before it’s too late.

    #308621

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    My question to you is:

    a. Is there anything from what I posted for you in any of your threads that you believe is true to who you are and to what your situation is about?

    b. If you answered the above with a Yes, let me know what it is that I posted to you which you believe is true.

    When you answer my two part question here, I’ll take it from there.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 hours, 25 minutes ago by  anita.
    #308627

    Valora
    Participant

    I don’t think it’s as much as she loves me, loves me not but just the pain and never getting the real closure i needed.  Never understanding why i wasn’t good enough for her to try, why she was just done in what felt like over a weekend(even though i have realized that it was something that was probably coming that she didn’t allow me to see or me see myself (an example is towards the end i told her I felt like i was losing her and she told me she wasn’t going anywhere), she just kept it to herself instead of talking to me about it and that too makes me have questions.  Yes i do wonder at times if there is anything left there even tho she seems happier than ever with her life and boyfriend now.

    I can’t help that thinking.  I really do try to focus on my situation and position that me, my girlfriend, and our kids are in and how to fix it.  I can’t get those other thoughts out of my head.  I battle so hard with myself almost everyday.  I actually was screaming at myself today in my truck on the way to a job.  It’s like a contaminant in my brain that i can’t get rid of no matter how much I try to forget about that and worry about other issues i have that are critical in my life right now.

    That’s the issue, though, John, you CAN help that thinking, but you’re keeping yourself in a loop of reinforcing that line of thinking and feeling like you need closure rather than actually allowing yourself to get over it. You don’t NEED closure and you’re likely not going to get the closure you want or the answers you want, so you have to find a way to move on without them. You’re kind of making the breakup about you and what you did or didn’t do rather than what she was internalizing, which is much more likely the reason for the breakup… her internalizing everything at the time rather than communicating. That likely had nothing to do with you. So the closure you’re hoping for and the answers you want likely don’t even exist because what you’re convincing yourself was the problem (if only I would’ve done this or that) likely was NOT the problem. I think it would help you a lot if you would let that just sink in deep and keep reinforcing it… say it over and over… “this situation had nothing to do with my worth and what I did or didn’t do… it was whatever she was going through and there was nothing I could do about that.”   When people start internalizing things, you can’t MAKE them communicate, no matter how badly you want them to. They have to be the ones to do it. There’s likely nothing you could’ve really done different. Let this be your closure.

    You have to change your line of thinking but it’s also going to take some time. Just keep reaffirming to yourself that this happened for a reason, you couldn’t have prevented it, it likely had little to do with you and your worth, and that you have all the closure you really need and eventually it will seep in and you’ll stop going in circles.

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