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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 469 replies, has 17 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 2 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #302889

    John
    Participant

    I agree in lots of ways.  however, I think my ex was in to me, but wasn’t ready to share things like that, but then again, i could be way wrong.  Thinking back of a post she did put up only 2 months after our break up about breakfast and sex.  Maybe you are right, or maybe she changed at the end?  I will never know.  I’m not the type that can just forget about it either which sucks.  But I have to keep trying.  She was the first thing i thought of this morning when I opened my eyes and have been since i woke up.  I am at work now and going to try to let that consume my brain instead of her.  It really did/does hurt to have seen that post tho.  To feel like I was cheated or fooled into thinking that someone did love me the same way i did her.

    I just feel so bad for my girlfriend now.  She was getting assistance by the state for food stamps, now they took all but $75 away for that and for daycare, she would have to pay at least $400.  So really she barely has enough money to live, let alone pay any living costs besides her car and cell phone.  Everything seems to be crashing down around me.  I have completely strapped myself money wise as well with her and her kids there.  She won’t be done, I try and try to tell her i’m through.  I even brought up my ex and my feelings hoping that would help her want to be gone, but she just said that she thinks that one day I will snap out of it and see how much i do love her.  I told her last night that this relationship has been very tough because i feel like my ex and she feels like me.  that I know how she feels.  Just wanting me to look at her or touch her that certain way.  Just to make her feel loved again.

    I even told her how much I really felt for my ex.  How i would have done anything for her.  How proud I was to have her in my life.  and that i don’t understand why i’m like this now and why i can’t just walk away from my ex and move on and be done.  That maybe i need to be alone and make myself happy again…

    She told me she doesn’t understand how i can feel that way.  I told her “look at you!”  ” how many times have I hurt you, or have you found out that I was talking to her and I tried to break up and you’re still here?”  I said, ” if you and i had a great relationship, like the first 3 months but for the whole year and then i was just done, up and left.  How would you handle it”  She tried to bullshit me, about her ex and how that was, but i told her that she told me that she didn’t think she loved him like she did me.

    She is still there….  It’s like she is me with my ex!  I would have taken all of this in hopes that she would come around.  I would have stayed forever for just 10 minutes a week of bliss with her.  The sad part is I probably still would.

    Now, she has a minor surgery tomorrow morning.  This shit never ends.

    That’s why i was thinking about moving to my friends.  Or at least faking it?  Telling her that I can’t afford to live here anymore and that i am doing that to get her to leave as well.  If she has to move, maybe her family will step up?

    Shit,  i gotta get back to work!  talk soon.  Thanks for your help and listening

    #302899

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I’m definitely not saying she didn’t love you, but something is different if she’s doing now what she wouldn’t do then. I don’t think you were cheated or fooled either. That makes it sound like her not saying that was intentional to hurt you and you were a victim, which I don’t think is true. I think it’s possible that you were just in a position that allowed you to love harder. I think it might’ve been the same with my ex and I. I’m generally happy with myself and although I have my issues, I am very capable of loving hard. My ex tended to jump from relationship to relationship and realistically wasn’t so happy with himself and my security made him feel insecure sometimes. That alone would make someone less capable of fully loving someone else, even though they did try and seemingly did love hard… it’s true that you have to love yourself before you can REALLY, truly love someone else. It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

    The point is… she’s seemingly happy where she’s at now, she hasn’t tried to contact you in a while, so this present moment just has to be what it is.  And like I said before… it’s okay to hope. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you just make sure you remain open to other possibilities. If she really has found a better match for her, that means there’s a better one out there for you, too. So just be open to either thing to come along, her or someone new, once you get out of your current situation and get your life back where you’re happy overall again.

    I’m not sure what state you’re in, but is your girlfriend claiming on the forms that she lives with you? Because they make you name everyone in the household, so if you did split up, it’s likely she’d get more again if she was claiming you because that would drop the number of people in her household. At any rate, you can feel bad for her, but she still isn’t your responsibility. She is HER OWN responsibility. You are just going to have to be 100% firm with her, no matter how much you don’t want to and how bad that makes you feel… this situation is hurting both of you…. especially since your girlfriend is very clearly codependent. I don’t think there’s anything you can say to get her to leave willingly because she’s depending on you in a very unhealthy way. You are going to have to be the one to do it.

    And, actually, if you’re still feeling like you would’ve been with your ex like your girlfriend is with you, that might mean you have so codependency issues in there, too, that need to be worked on and maybe that’s another reason why you’re having trouble letting your go. So that’s definitely something to look into, especially if you’re going to counseling… explore that with a therapist.

     

    Actually… could you talk to your landlord?  Tell him you’re going to go live in your RV on your friend’s land because you need to split with your girlfriend but don’t want to leave her and her kids homeless and that if your girlfriend is forced to leave the apartment because she can’t afford it, ask for him to call you and you will come back in and take over the rent once she moves out?  That might be a way to leave without forcing her out of the home and also giving her a chance to keep it, but if she can’t, you will still then have that place to live and you both won’t end up losing the place? Something to think about.

    #302915

    John
    Participant

    It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

    I never thought about that.  When we were together she was dealing with a lot of drama from day one in her life between her ex-husband, work, finances, and children.  Now, she had a different job that she loves, sold her home and is living at her boyfriends, both her kids are grown and gone, and since her kids are gone she is not dealing with her ex-husband anymore.  Also she lost all that weight that was giving her health issues.  So she can be happy with her life and focus on her lover now.  Before there was always something standing in the way.  I think that’s one of my bigger regrets, is not giving her the space she really needed when she did, instead i kept pushing and got super insecure and needy.  I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

    #302917

    Mark
    Participant

    John

    It seems that you are still keeping track of your ex-girlfriend‘s life. Is that true? If so then of course you are suffering because you have not let her go. You have not moved on with your life.  You say you were suffering every day thinking of her. It is because you are thinking of her. Mindfulness is being in the present moment where you are at right now right here. It is a discipline. You can choose start acting differently if you wish.

    Mark

    #302919

    Mark
    Participant

    John

    It seems that you are still keeping track of your ex-girlfriend‘s life. Is that true? If so then of course you are suffering because you have not let her go. You have not moved on with your life.  You say you were suffering every day thinking of her. It is because you are thinking of her. Mindfulness is being in the present moment where you are at right now right here. It is a discipline. You can choose start acting differently if you wish. I’m not saying it is easy but it starts by you making the decision to do so.

    Mark

    #302923

    Valora
    Participant

     I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

    That’s the thing…. you stepping back for a bit likely wouldn’t have done anything either. She wasn’t in a good space. If it helps, my ex was going through something similar. His life was just a complete mess (ex-wife issues, wasn’t able to see his kids, hated his job, was in physical and emotional pain, etc), and I did step back and give him his space when he needed it, and he still broke up with me, likely because he associated me with the mess. He felt he needed a total life change, and I was part of that life that needed changing. There wasn’t anything I could do about that, just like there wasn’t anything you could do about it if she was lumping you in with her mess. Literally nothing you could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome because it was meant to happen that way.  If you guys are meant to get back together, you will, but for right now at least… you aren’t meant to be.

    So I agree with Mark. You 100% control your suffering. You are choosing to suffer while she seems happy. I probably more than anyone understand the intrusive thoughts and how they’re hard to stop, because I’m experiencing the same, but you choose how you take those thoughts and how you allow those thoughts to make you feel, just like I choose how mine of my ex make me feel. Just do your best to keep your mind off of her and keep redirecting your thoughts until it gets easy for you. Meditation and counseling really, really help… so if you aren’t doing either of those things now, try them again…. but if I may be quite frank… you have to make sure you realize that you are the reason for your own suffering and you can stop it at any time with a mindset change and being mindful, as Mark mentioned. That really does help.

    #302925

    anita
    Participant

    John-

    “I even told her how much I really felt for  my ex. How I  would have done anything for her”- you said that, repeatedly,  to a woman you are sleeping with and having sex with still.

    You are a cruel man, John. Shame on you.

    Do her a favor and move away from where she and her kids live, and never go back. She is a troubled woman and a bad mother to her kids, but you are making it worse for her, harming her and therefore, you are harming her children.

    anita

     

    #302929

    Valora
    Participant

    I wish you could “like” posts on here, because Anita is absolutely right.  My mind sort of glossed over that when I read your post, but describing to someone that you are still dating that you have feelings for someone else that you don’t have for that person just so that they will leave is not only very cruel but also very weak. You aren’t being a “nice guy” by staying with her or “too nice” and all of the other things you’ve said you wished you weren’t being. You would show her much more kindness and strength by ending things with her ASAP… whether you leave or make her leave, just end things.

    #302953

    John
    Participant

    i’m not having sex with her.  i’ve tried to get her to leave and she won’t.  I though if i told her that, then that would make her want to leave.  I never said i was perfect.   I’m screwed up in the head and heart.

    #302957

    Valora
    Participant

    It’s sounding like the RV idea is your best option right now, then. If she won’t leave, she can’t stop you from doing so. Then I’d just have your landlord let you know if your place becomes available again. I’m sure they’d be happy to do so to keep it rented.

    #302959

    anita
    Participant

    John-

    “I’m screwed up in the head and heart”- first thing to do is to stop screwing up her head and heart and her children’s heads and hearts.

    Pack all your things and leave her and her children in the apartment; do not return there, not for as long as she is staying there.

    Give her or send her (in the mail) any money you can afford so that she hopefully uses it to get settled there or elsewhere.

    Then post again.

    anita

    #307475

    Valora
    Participant

    How are things going, John?

    #307643

    John
    Participant

    Not good.  Thanks for asking.

    Well, i’m trying not to complain and whine anymore.  I’ll just say this.

    She can’t leave cause she has no money and her family won’t step up.  I can’t leave cause I have no money to move and if i did i wouldn’t be able to find a place big enough for me ( i have a lot of stuff.  full house, garage, shop and two sheds, let alone a RV, Full size truck, work truck and two more cars-I have a vw addiction. LOL).

    I tried convincing her the other day that i can’t do this and she is still  in denial.

    I have not moved into the RV yet.  I know I need to to make a point.

    We have not had sex, she even asked me why.  I told her that I don’t want to lead her on.  She got upset and said, ” maybe I’ll find it somewhere else”   I told her “go ahead” .  yet she still doesn’t get it.  Then she brings up the kids and how much this will hurt them.  I tried telling her that stringing this along will only make things worse.

    She is in total denial and when we do talk about  “being done”  it’s all about how she isn’t lovable and poor her type of talk.

    It really tugs at my heartstrings and makes me want to try again one more time…

    I’m not trying to be  a jerk, not trying to lead her on.  I feel so awful about all of this.  I feel stuck.  If i could afford it, I would leave. If i didn’t have my girls, I would move out and live in my RV at my friends house.  But that is no way to live with my girls.

    I honestly think the only way for her to finally understand that i am done is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex.  Even though I know she is happy with another man whom she may have met before she left me.  It doesn’t change how I feel and if anything, this situation i’m in now pushes my feelings harder towards her(my ex).  That I feel miserable and this situation makes me miss what I had with her even more.

    But, when we do talk and i say anything about needing to be alone or needing to focus on myself.  She just says, “I will wait, because someday you will realize what you have right here and then we will be happy”

    It’s really freakin amazing how the universe works.  All this time that we talk and are together, it only makes me realize how much like her I was with my ex.  How pushy and needy I was and how that did push her away just like she (my current) is doing with me.  I’ve tried telling her that when she talks about a future together, i kind of freak out.  That that isn’t what I think about.

    The money problem doesn’t help one bit either.  She is seriously super broke.  If it weren’t for me she would be homeless, and it’s causing me to go super broke as well.  An example is that she had to use her visa card to pay her cell phone bill this month.

    I only have about $20 to my name until Friday, then after that i will only have about $200 to last me two weeks for gas and helping with food.  And my girls birthdays are coming up along with hers.

    I’m not looking for pity or to feel sorry for.  I want to make that clear.

    I’m just miserable and feel alone and selfish.  And again, feeling these things really paints a clear picture to what happened with me and my ex, which makes this situation even harder.  The difference is her(my ex) living in another town, it was easier for her just to end things instead of trying to work on them.  Even if she would have tried, i wouldn’t have changed because I never saw how I was and how it affected her until now.

    finally, yes i still miss my ex more than i can express.  I still think about her every day, sometimes for more than half the day.  I cried again this weekend when i was at home depot.  It brought back a memory of when we were in our last month together, just after we got back together after our “break” .  I was down there and helped her replace her water heater.  I remembered everything from that weekend like it was yesterday.

    I’ve found myself looking at other women.  not to meet or anything.  Just body types and how they dress or look.  Things that remind me of my ex.

    Through all of this it has become painfully clear to me that I am severely screwed up and need help.  That i am in a position i can’t seem to get out of physically and mentally.

    I know what i need to do.  I do need to move my shit into the RV and tell her that I am done, that i am not in place to be in a relationship with her or anyone for that matter.  That i need to just be able to focus on my and my girls.  That she can stay there until she can find  a place to go and I will help out however I can with her kids, but we are roommates and that is it.

    Whenever i try to do this, i feel guilty and horrible and cave in tho.  I don’t know how to not give in when i see that hurt in her.  it makes me think ” i can do this”  but i can’t.  I know dragging things out makes it worse, but i keep thinking it will get better even tho I know it wont.

    sometimes i really do think the only way to get it into her head is to tell her straight out that I’m still in love with my ex and that I don’t know if i ever will be able to love anyone else, that maybe i am destined to have loved once and be alone and that i don’t ever see me being able to give her(my current) what she needs from me.

    i’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to go on and on.  i’ve been avoiding this forum like asked by anita until i can get this taken care of.

    #307651

    Valora
    Participant

    What do you think about you two going to couples counseling? I don’t mean going with the intention of working things out…. but if you go with the intention of getting a counselor to help her see that you are serious and helping her move from denial to acceptance. The counselor could mediate your conversations and back you up with your feelings and getting her to see that you mean what you say and the relationship is over. That way, too, when she goes into the “poor me” talk, a counselor would be there to redirect her thinking.  Be honest and direct if/when you go, talking about the money issues, the fighting, the guilt, dragging things out, the mental struggles/stress, etc.

    You’ve already told her straight out that you’re in love with your ex, so that won’t work. She’s known that basically for the entirety of your relationship and she doesn’t seem to care. She’s codependent and in denial, so she’s likely going to need professional help to be able to detach. Even if it’s just a couple sessions with a couples therapist to get the ball rolling.

    A counselor/therapist might also have resources that you two haven’t thought about or don’t know about to help get her out and back on her feet, too.

    This situation certainly has been one heck of a learning experience for you, and it’s good in that way. But it’ll be better once you’re out of it. And I fully believe you won’t even be able to start to really get over your ex until you are out of this situation because the contrast between your current relationship and previous one is so stark… you can’t help but think about how great that one felt because this one feels so terrible. It seems like the vast majority of your problems is coming from your current relationship, so I would get couples counseling to help get out of it and also go to counseling alone so that you can help yourself heal from all of the things you’ve been through.

    And please don’t feel you have to avoid this forum. I’m here to talk to, too. I think Anita just wants you to push yourself to take action because you’ve been sort of spinning your wheels for almost a year now.

    #307667

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    Valora is correct, I did want you to take action after spinning your wheels for so long.

    I was often frustrated with you and looking back at my posts on this thread, I even wrote in one of them that it was my last, here on your thread. Later I forgot that assertion and posted again.

    I re-read my posts to you over time. It’s been a while. After starting this thread, you became a grandfather for the first time. Your grandchild is about 10 months now.

    This is what I understand at this point about your state of mind, heart and life:

    1) It is not about the woman this thread is about. Here is what you wrote Dec last year about a different woman, not your ex girlfriend and not your current girlfriend. It was a woman you met after the breakup with the ex girlfriend: “there was someone that I did briefly date that did well for herself, was very active (did things/ trips on weekend)… When I was talking to her, all thoughts of my ex faded out very fast, I got that excitement I did have with my ex… I only went out with her a couple of times”.

    2) The reason the woman you are living with did not and does not replace the feeling you had with your ex girlfriend is because she is unlike your ex girlfriend and the woman you dated twice: the other two didn’t have minor children, your current has two very young children. The other two made enough money to afford trips and fun and your current- doesn’t have that money. With your ex, you were able to have fun, with the current you are not having fun, you find yourself raising two young children, not fun.

    3) What you had with your ex was a reviving of the raw and intense feelings of the boy that you were, under ten years old, when you were with your mother, and then, for a short while when reuniting with her after her long exit from your life, “That feeling of complete and utter bliss and happiness. Smiling everyday, just happy to be alive. Wanting nothing but to just love her.. the best feeling in the world”.

    It was very traumatic for you when your mother one day didn’t pick you up from school anymore, was simply gone. The hurt was deep and raw. When you were finally sent to live with her in another state, you were thrilled, but then, soon enough, you noticed she was not there for you, she was invested in a relationship with her boyfriend, not with you.

    That longing for your mother never left you, even though you don’t remember that longing. Even though when you see your mother now, you feel nothing.

    When you met your ex, and that other woman for the duration of two dates, that longing was activated and projected into those two  women. With the ex, you had fun with her on dates, like a boy taken out to the park, or on a trip with his mother, having fun.

    Regarding your ex girlfriend’s adult son, you wrote: “I did see her son as a competition. I do know that. I felt threatened by him. I resented him for taking her away from me”- just like the boy that you were when reunited with your mother and finding out that she had a boyfriend and gave her attention to him, not to you.

    4) I think that what is keeping you where you are is that you are afraid to be alone. You are afraid to live  on your own. It triggers that horrible fear of the boy that you were living without your mother, being sent back and forth to  live with different people and not having a home- that is, a place where you felt love, safety and where you had fun.

    I think that you are afraid to move out and away, afraid of that depression to resume.

    Interesting, how it is not about the ex girlfriend, or the woman you are living with. It is about a scared, lonely boy.

    A boy who doesn’t want to feel the pain that he is already feeling, that deep, long ago loneliness and never satisfied desire to have a home, and to be home.

    5) Now What- May you have the courage to do what you need to do. Don’t tell this woman that you still care about the ex girlfriend, a bad idea. Instead move out and away ASAP, tonight. You have only #20 in cash, you say.. use your credit card then. Make it a one time, final move out and away.

    Post anytime, before, during and after. Or if you don’t move at all, post anyway.

    anita

     

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