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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 445 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days, 16 hours ago.

Viewing 11 posts - 436 through 446 (of 446 total)
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  • #302889

    John
    Participant

    I agree in lots of ways.  however, I think my ex was in to me, but wasn’t ready to share things like that, but then again, i could be way wrong.  Thinking back of a post she did put up only 2 months after our break up about breakfast and sex.  Maybe you are right, or maybe she changed at the end?  I will never know.  I’m not the type that can just forget about it either which sucks.  But I have to keep trying.  She was the first thing i thought of this morning when I opened my eyes and have been since i woke up.  I am at work now and going to try to let that consume my brain instead of her.  It really did/does hurt to have seen that post tho.  To feel like I was cheated or fooled into thinking that someone did love me the same way i did her.

    I just feel so bad for my girlfriend now.  She was getting assistance by the state for food stamps, now they took all but $75 away for that and for daycare, she would have to pay at least $400.  So really she barely has enough money to live, let alone pay any living costs besides her car and cell phone.  Everything seems to be crashing down around me.  I have completely strapped myself money wise as well with her and her kids there.  She won’t be done, I try and try to tell her i’m through.  I even brought up my ex and my feelings hoping that would help her want to be gone, but she just said that she thinks that one day I will snap out of it and see how much i do love her.  I told her last night that this relationship has been very tough because i feel like my ex and she feels like me.  that I know how she feels.  Just wanting me to look at her or touch her that certain way.  Just to make her feel loved again.

    I even told her how much I really felt for my ex.  How i would have done anything for her.  How proud I was to have her in my life.  and that i don’t understand why i’m like this now and why i can’t just walk away from my ex and move on and be done.  That maybe i need to be alone and make myself happy again…

    She told me she doesn’t understand how i can feel that way.  I told her “look at you!”  ” how many times have I hurt you, or have you found out that I was talking to her and I tried to break up and you’re still here?”  I said, ” if you and i had a great relationship, like the first 3 months but for the whole year and then i was just done, up and left.  How would you handle it”  She tried to bullshit me, about her ex and how that was, but i told her that she told me that she didn’t think she loved him like she did me.

    She is still there….  It’s like she is me with my ex!  I would have taken all of this in hopes that she would come around.  I would have stayed forever for just 10 minutes a week of bliss with her.  The sad part is I probably still would.

    Now, she has a minor surgery tomorrow morning.  This shit never ends.

    That’s why i was thinking about moving to my friends.  Or at least faking it?  Telling her that I can’t afford to live here anymore and that i am doing that to get her to leave as well.  If she has to move, maybe her family will step up?

    Shit,  i gotta get back to work!  talk soon.  Thanks for your help and listening

    #302899

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I’m definitely not saying she didn’t love you, but something is different if she’s doing now what she wouldn’t do then. I don’t think you were cheated or fooled either. That makes it sound like her not saying that was intentional to hurt you and you were a victim, which I don’t think is true. I think it’s possible that you were just in a position that allowed you to love harder. I think it might’ve been the same with my ex and I. I’m generally happy with myself and although I have my issues, I am very capable of loving hard. My ex tended to jump from relationship to relationship and realistically wasn’t so happy with himself and my security made him feel insecure sometimes. That alone would make someone less capable of fully loving someone else, even though they did try and seemingly did love hard… it’s true that you have to love yourself before you can REALLY, truly love someone else. It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

    The point is… she’s seemingly happy where she’s at now, she hasn’t tried to contact you in a while, so this present moment just has to be what it is.  And like I said before… it’s okay to hope. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you just make sure you remain open to other possibilities. If she really has found a better match for her, that means there’s a better one out there for you, too. So just be open to either thing to come along, her or someone new, once you get out of your current situation and get your life back where you’re happy overall again.

    I’m not sure what state you’re in, but is your girlfriend claiming on the forms that she lives with you? Because they make you name everyone in the household, so if you did split up, it’s likely she’d get more again if she was claiming you because that would drop the number of people in her household. At any rate, you can feel bad for her, but she still isn’t your responsibility. She is HER OWN responsibility. You are just going to have to be 100% firm with her, no matter how much you don’t want to and how bad that makes you feel… this situation is hurting both of you…. especially since your girlfriend is very clearly codependent. I don’t think there’s anything you can say to get her to leave willingly because she’s depending on you in a very unhealthy way. You are going to have to be the one to do it.

    And, actually, if you’re still feeling like you would’ve been with your ex like your girlfriend is with you, that might mean you have so codependency issues in there, too, that need to be worked on and maybe that’s another reason why you’re having trouble letting your go. So that’s definitely something to look into, especially if you’re going to counseling… explore that with a therapist.

     

    Actually… could you talk to your landlord?  Tell him you’re going to go live in your RV on your friend’s land because you need to split with your girlfriend but don’t want to leave her and her kids homeless and that if your girlfriend is forced to leave the apartment because she can’t afford it, ask for him to call you and you will come back in and take over the rent once she moves out?  That might be a way to leave without forcing her out of the home and also giving her a chance to keep it, but if she can’t, you will still then have that place to live and you both won’t end up losing the place? Something to think about.

    #302915

    John
    Participant

    It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

    I never thought about that.  When we were together she was dealing with a lot of drama from day one in her life between her ex-husband, work, finances, and children.  Now, she had a different job that she loves, sold her home and is living at her boyfriends, both her kids are grown and gone, and since her kids are gone she is not dealing with her ex-husband anymore.  Also she lost all that weight that was giving her health issues.  So she can be happy with her life and focus on her lover now.  Before there was always something standing in the way.  I think that’s one of my bigger regrets, is not giving her the space she really needed when she did, instead i kept pushing and got super insecure and needy.  I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

    #302917

    Mark
    Participant

    John

    It seems that you are still keeping track of your ex-girlfriend‘s life. Is that true? If so then of course you are suffering because you have not let her go. You have not moved on with your life.  You say you were suffering every day thinking of her. It is because you are thinking of her. Mindfulness is being in the present moment where you are at right now right here. It is a discipline. You can choose start acting differently if you wish.

    Mark

    #302919

    Mark
    Participant

    John

    It seems that you are still keeping track of your ex-girlfriend‘s life. Is that true? If so then of course you are suffering because you have not let her go. You have not moved on with your life.  You say you were suffering every day thinking of her. It is because you are thinking of her. Mindfulness is being in the present moment where you are at right now right here. It is a discipline. You can choose start acting differently if you wish. I’m not saying it is easy but it starts by you making the decision to do so.

    Mark

    #302923

    Valora
    Participant

     I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

    That’s the thing…. you stepping back for a bit likely wouldn’t have done anything either. She wasn’t in a good space. If it helps, my ex was going through something similar. His life was just a complete mess (ex-wife issues, wasn’t able to see his kids, hated his job, was in physical and emotional pain, etc), and I did step back and give him his space when he needed it, and he still broke up with me, likely because he associated me with the mess. He felt he needed a total life change, and I was part of that life that needed changing. There wasn’t anything I could do about that, just like there wasn’t anything you could do about it if she was lumping you in with her mess. Literally nothing you could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome because it was meant to happen that way.  If you guys are meant to get back together, you will, but for right now at least… you aren’t meant to be.

    So I agree with Mark. You 100% control your suffering. You are choosing to suffer while she seems happy. I probably more than anyone understand the intrusive thoughts and how they’re hard to stop, because I’m experiencing the same, but you choose how you take those thoughts and how you allow those thoughts to make you feel, just like I choose how mine of my ex make me feel. Just do your best to keep your mind off of her and keep redirecting your thoughts until it gets easy for you. Meditation and counseling really, really help… so if you aren’t doing either of those things now, try them again…. but if I may be quite frank… you have to make sure you realize that you are the reason for your own suffering and you can stop it at any time with a mindset change and being mindful, as Mark mentioned. That really does help.

    #302925

    anita
    Participant

    John-

    “I even told her how much I really felt for  my ex. How I  would have done anything for her”- you said that, repeatedly,  to a woman you are sleeping with and having sex with still.

    You are a cruel man, John. Shame on you.

    Do her a favor and move away from where she and her kids live, and never go back. She is a troubled woman and a bad mother to her kids, but you are making it worse for her, harming her and therefore, you are harming her children.

    anita

     

    #302929

    Valora
    Participant

    I wish you could “like” posts on here, because Anita is absolutely right.  My mind sort of glossed over that when I read your post, but describing to someone that you are still dating that you have feelings for someone else that you don’t have for that person just so that they will leave is not only very cruel but also very weak. You aren’t being a “nice guy” by staying with her or “too nice” and all of the other things you’ve said you wished you weren’t being. You would show her much more kindness and strength by ending things with her ASAP… whether you leave or make her leave, just end things.

    #302953

    John
    Participant

    i’m not having sex with her.  i’ve tried to get her to leave and she won’t.  I though if i told her that, then that would make her want to leave.  I never said i was perfect.   I’m screwed up in the head and heart.

    #302957

    Valora
    Participant

    It’s sounding like the RV idea is your best option right now, then. If she won’t leave, she can’t stop you from doing so. Then I’d just have your landlord let you know if your place becomes available again. I’m sure they’d be happy to do so to keep it rented.

    #302959

    anita
    Participant

    John-

    “I’m screwed up in the head and heart”- first thing to do is to stop screwing up her head and heart and her children’s heads and hearts.

    Pack all your things and leave her and her children in the apartment; do not return there, not for as long as she is staying there.

    Give her or send her (in the mail) any money you can afford so that she hopefully uses it to get settled there or elsewhere.

    Then post again.

    anita

Viewing 11 posts - 436 through 446 (of 446 total)

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