Menu

very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

HomeForumsRelationshipsvery confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

New Reply

This topic contains 445 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 406 through 420 (of 446 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #281651

    John
    Participant

    Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here….

    Well, I tell you what…  That woman defiantly put  a curse on me.  I haven’t been able to quit thinking about her at all.  It’s hard to explain.  I feel like I’m missing her more and more everyday.  I did cry a few  days ago again.  This is killing me.  I so bad just want to send her a message.  I know i shouldn’t and it is just inviting more pain, but damn!  It”s like i just can’t stop thinking about her.  No matter what i’m doing or whom i’m doing it with.  I was watching a movie last night and there was a part in it where it was all mushy.  I was laying there with my girlfriend watching this, and all I could think of is my ex!  God help me.  Seriously, i think about her every single day, probably 90% of the time in some way or form.  I still love her so freakin much, it kills me.  My stupid F&$%ING brain and heart still thinks/feels like someday, we will be together again.  I hate this so much.  It’s like all i want to do is hold her and kiss her and love her.  I would give anything for that.  Seriously, anything!  Well now i’m crying.  Shit!  I really do love her with my soul.

    We got a lot of snow today, first time this season.  So of coarse, instead of wanting to go home and be with my girlfriend, again i’m just thinking about my ex, what is she doing?  How much fun i could have with her today.

    Times like this, i really do feel like I am crazy or going crazy.  I’m doing my best to push through it though.  I really am.  It’s just hard when every time I close my eyes I see  her face.

    #281665

    Valora
    Participant

    Well, if anyone gets how you feel, it’s me. I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot lately too, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like there’s so much I want to tell him (mostly just random non-relationship stuff. He was my best friend). I would love to send him a message, but I also know that doing that would throw me backwards and make me miss him more and start reading into everything he does and says, and I still think he needs to come to me if he’s ever serious about wanting to be in my life again…. and I think the same goes for you, too.

    I totally get how frustrating this all feels and that it would be so much easier if you could just let go and get over her completely, and I also get the feeling of just having this sense that there’s more to the story… that you will be together again. And I think it’s okay to feel those things. I also don’t think it’s something people can understand unless they go through it themselves. It’s just a different type of love, very intense but also comforting and somehow intuitive, so it’s a hard thing to get over because, once you’ve felt it, it’s hard to feel happy with any other type of love relationship.

    The key here is to be gentle with yourself. I’m expecting to have these thoughts and feelings right up until I either somehow end up back together with my ex or meet someone else who gives me the feelings that he did. The same probably goes for you, there, too. You can’t help how you’re feeling. It’s just how you feel. So instead of fighting it, just embrace the fact that you are still capable of loving someone even after they hurt you and that she gave you something you needed, and you’ll probably feel this way until you meet someone else who gives you that feeling you need. Sometimes acceptance of those things helps with some of the suffering because you’re not fighting yourself so much. You should still do your best to curb the thoughts and redirect your focus, but try not to get so frustrated with yourself when you do think about her. If you keep having a hard time curbing the thoughts of her and keep feeling frustrated, though, it might be time to see a therapist for help with that. Even just for someone to talk to. Just probably go to a different one this time if you felt like the last one you saw didn’t help.

    I watched part of a movie this weekend on Hulu about a guy who gets invited to an ex-girlfriend’s wedding. He goes to it, but he’s still very much in love with her and spends the whole movie daydreaming and being sad and awkward, and it would be awful to be that guy.  So although you should accept your thoughts and feelings about her for what they are, it’s also a good idea to keep working towards seeing the situation for what it is at the current time and working on putting it in the past.

    #281867

    John
    Participant

    I feel like there’s so much I want to tell him (mostly just random non-relationship stuff. He was my best friend)

     

    You couldn’t of said it any better!  That’s exactly how I feel.  There is so much I want to tell her.  So much I want to say.  Just random stupid shit, but I do.  for example, yesterday we got a ton of snow here, i went home from work early and pulled my girls around on the sled with the quads all morning.  All  I could think of was being able to share this with her, or her being here with me enjoying the snow day.  It kills me.  I seriously feel like I lost a huge part when she left that i didn’t even know existed in me until after we met.

    The key here is to be gentle with yourself. I’m expecting to have these thoughts and feelings right up until I either somehow end up back together with my ex or meet someone else who gives me the feelings that he did. The same probably goes for you, there, too. You can’t help how you’re feeling. It’s just how you feel. So instead of fighting it, just embrace the fact that you are still capable of loving someone even after they hurt you and that she gave you something you needed, and you’ll probably feel this way until you meet someone else who gives you that feeling you need.

    I agree with this too.  I am just going to have to be okay loving someone that isn’t ready or may never be ready or want me back.  Maybe someday I will meet someone that I will be able to love the same or more and I will forget.  Until then, i just need to be okay with it.  I do miss her incredibly though.  She really was my best friend.  From day one.  I will never forget how she made me feel.  Like she awakened something inside me that I thought was just a myth and didn’t really exist in people.  I’m crying again.  I wish so much she could see this, see how i feel and how i have really honestly seen how I did change and that I am a better man and can give her what she needs and wants…

    It’s really ironic how my relationship i have now and am trying to resolve/end has really made me see how I was with my ex.  It’s like my girlfriend now has done and behaved exactly how I did towards the end of my last relationship.  Even with the kids.  My ex was having a hard time with her boys, and all i saw was “what about me”  “why don’t you want to spend time with me”.  When really it was that she needed time to get her life straight with her kids and that they do take priority over anything.  Just like my girls now.  They are both expressing to me how they are unhappy and my girlfriend just keeps saying how she is the one who is unhappy and when does she get to be happy.  When she should realize that she needs to back off and give me the time and space needed with my girls.  Very ironic and kind of crazy how this is all happening.  Really  sucks in a big way.  I wish so much that I  could have seen how I was when i was acting that way.  The more and more I deal with my girlfriend now, the more I understand where my ex was at and what she really needed from me.  I just wish i could tell her this and her see that i really do mean it.

    well I need to go to work.  Until next time, i’m going to keep on keeping on.  I really do hope things get better.  thanks again

    #283255

    John
    Participant

    well, it’s been over a week since my last post on this thread.  I’m sorry to say that I haven’t gotten any better.  I can’t stop thinking about her.  It’s gotten ridiculous.  I’ve been remembering things and times with her that just break my heart.  Times that I felt so relaxed and “at home”.  I really do miss her a lot.  I would give anything to hear her voice or just hold her hand and get lost in her eyes.

    I guess it doesn’t help that i’ve been going through such a drama/stressful time at home now with my girlfriend.

    This is absolutely killing me though.  I’ve even wrote her a couple letters.  DON”T WORRY, i’m not going to send them.  It just helps when i write sometimes.  Maybe that’s why I’m on here so much anymore.  They are safely secured on my computer.  No body can see them but me.

    Oh it hurts though.  I wish I could get over this fantasy illusion that one day I’m going to see her again, weather it be just for a coffee or lunch or whatever and she is going to look into my eyes and be able to tell that I have changed and grown and that I am the man she fell in love with.  The man she called “home”.  The man that she told that she told she wanted her boys to be like when they grow up.

    Life is cruel.  I have learned that.  I’ve never been one of those “blessed” people that everything just falls in place.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for what i have and my girls.  I guess its always greener on the other side right?

    Well, I need to go and why my tears again.  I love my ex so much, miss her more, but yet days like today, I wish that i would of never answered that message from her.

    #283313

    Valora
    Participant

    What kinds of things have you been doing to try to stop your thinking? Do you just let yourself get sucked into constantly thinking about it or have you found any ways that effectively distract you?

    Writing the letters wasn’t a bad idea at all because it’ll help get the thoughts out of your head, but definitely don’t send them. I’d maybe even write your thoughts on paper and then burn them because I’ve heard writing letters and then burning them is pretty cathartic when it comes to releasing thoughts.

    I also think your current relationship isn’t helping you with this any. You’re basically miserable right now, so it seems reasonable that you can’t help but think about the relationship that you were happiest in. You’re likely comparing the two a lot, right? So I think once you are finally able to get out of the situation you’re in, that will help some, too, when it comes to thinking about your ex.

    Seeing her again and having her fall for you doesn’t have to be a fantasy illusion, but it’s definitely not a guarantee either, so it’s best to just be mindful of how your life is today and that she is not currently in it so it’s doing you no good to lament that you’re not together… and if the law of attraction says anything, it’s that emotionally feeling want only leads to more feelings of want (I believe this is why exes tend to show up out of the blue once you’re over them). Feelings of lack bring more lacking. That’s why it’s important to redirect your thoughts.

    If you really have trouble getting your mind off of it, though, and it is causing you a lot of suffering, I really, really think you should see a counselor, even if just a safe space to get the thoughts out. I know you’re doing that here, too, but professionals really have a lot of knowledge and tools to help people to be able to counteract these thoughts.

    One of the biggest things I think you should learn to do here that would help with your suffering is to detach from your ex. You’re still very, very attached. And I get it. It’s extremely hard to do and I don’t know if it can ever be fully done. I still have those days where I miss my ex very much and it makes me very sad, but I’ve worked hard on detaching, so those moments don’t last anywhere near as long as they used to and I get over them quite quickly. That’s probably where your goal should be, too. Feel it and let it pass quickly. Like… 10-20 minutes of sadness and then you feel good again type of quickly.

    The point is to know that it’s okay to miss your ex sometimes and it’s okay to feel sad you’re not together, but you can’t let yourself drown in it. If you are, then you need to really, really work on detaching more. Get to the point where you feel like it would be awesome if life did lead you and your ex back to each other but you also truly understand and believe that there are other options out there and you feel truly open to them…. you just have to work on yourself in the meantime and your relationship with your girls and trust that you’ll end up where you need to be.

    No matter what… right now, with the way your life is right now… it is NOT the right time for a reconciliation or for the right person to come along. You don’t have space in your life for the right person right now.  And you won’t have space until your current relationship ends plus a period of time where you’re single and are able to get back to being your true self.

    #284481

    John
    Participant

    Well, I’ve only been getting worse.  seriously it’s all day and night now I think about her.  feels like the begging all over again.  I try to stay busy and distracted, but no matter what i do, it reminds me of her.  I hate that i ever met her, but I love her if that makes any sense at all. I think i’m going to set up an appt. for counseling in april and start going.  I need to do something before i go crazy, if I’m not already there….

    #284513

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, if you’re getting worse, it’s definitely a good idea to seek counseling. Go to someone different than before if you don’t feel like the last one helped you.

    You seem really frustrated every time you post about her. Is it the fact that you’re still thinking about her that’s upsetting you or something else? Have you tried anything else besides trying to stay busy and distracted?

    If it’s the fact that you’re thinking about her that’s frustrating you, you might just have to accept that she’s going to be on your mind and be okay with it. Don’t fight the thoughts when they come, but don’t encourage them either and don’t let yourself long for her. Not fighting the thoughts and being okay with them passing through whenever they come might help you diminish them. But lots of things still remind me of my ex, too. I think about him daily, and my son even talks about him quite often, but I’m just at the point where I appreciate that he was in my life and made such an impact on us, and it sucks that he’s not here now, but it is what it is. I’m okay with not having what I want because maybe I don’t have him because something better is on the way. Working to a point where you feel that way, though, where you’re okay with things being as they are for the time being helps a lot with the suffering.

    #284649

    John
    Participant

    I have told myself that before.  That it’s okay that i do think about her.  The problem for me is that I still can’t help but feel like we are meant to be together.  Like if i just wait and be patient that some how some way we will end up together.  I really think a big part of the loss is losing my best friend also.  Someone that i absolutely connected with like no body ever before.  I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”  Well I honestly think i couldn’t communicate to her how I felt, because I knew how much drama she was dealing with with her family, work, ex-husband, everything that the last thing I wanted to do was to add to that.  (I know now that it would of been the best thing to do, to have been 100% honest with her about how I felt like I was getting pushed aside and in the dark when she should have been talking to me), but at that time.  I felt that I could hold out until it all passed, i could wait for my turn.

    For her, all she saw was this sweet, nice man that just wanted to make her happy and she didn’t want to hurt me either.  When she should have told me exactly what was going on and how she was feeling, instead of “sparing my feelings” and causing more pain and suffering for the both of us.

    I am trying, I really am.  just hard at times.  I can’t wait for the day that i don’t have to try anymore.

    #284659

    Valora
    Participant

    I think it’s okay to feel like you’re meant to be together too, though, but just make sure you’re keeping your options open… like you want her or someone better.

     I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”

    Honestly, that doesn’t really make any sense anyway. Just because you’re connected doesn’t mean either one of you have exceptional communication skills. That’s why you hear sometimes of people breaking up and then getting back together years later and it working so much better because they’ve grown and learned to communicate better in the time they were apart.  Also, from what you’ve said, you were very much focused on how you were feeling at the time, and it’s hard to communicate effectively when that happens.

    She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

    I think counseling will really help, too, and it’s a good idea that you’re planning on trying it again. There are several really good books on detaching and also healing from breakups. What do you think about reading books with advice on how to heal from heartbreak?

    #284721

    John
    Participant

    She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

    The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

    Why am I such a mess.   I hate it.  I hate this empty shell or ghost of a man that I am anymore.

    I even recently wrote a song!  WTH!!   I’m not a poet or a song writer, but i love music, seems like later more of the sappy heartbreak shit.  I know I shouldn’t listen to that crap, but it speaks to me.

    As far as books, i can only read a couple pages before my mind wanders…

    I need to handle my current situation also before I can start counseling.  It is a real ironic blow to the mind that now, it really feels like I’m playing the role of my ex and my current girlfriend is playing the role of me.  I can feel so much more empathy for what my ex must have been feeling in the end of our relationship now.  And how i just made things worse, when all I had to do was walk away and let her breathe for a bit.

    I need to go, talk soon…

     

    #284765

    Valora
    Participant

    The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

    Again, if there’s anyone here that understands this, it’s me. I totally get it and you don’t even have to explain it. I know exactly what you mean because I’ve felt the same way about my ex and had a very similar relationship with him as you did yours, so I want you to believe me when I tell you that it’s killing you because of the meaning you’re attaching to her in your mind and the things you’ve been telling yourself over and over for the last year. If you tell yourself over and over and over that she was your best friend ever and you’ll never find another and you’re miserable and empty without her, that’s exactly how you’re going to keep feeling because you’re constantly reiterating and reaffirming it to yourself.  There’s a video by Kerwin Rae where he talks about saying “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” when you’re doing a job you don’t want to do and it makes the job more enjoyable because you’re basically tricking your brain into feeling like it’s enjoyable. That’s the kind of thing you might want to start doing when it comes to your ex. When you get some time, Google that video and it’ll explain the psychology behind it. What you’re doing right now is the exact opposite of what you want to be doing if you truly want to feel better.

    My point about the best friend thing was that you aren’t lamenting it when they aren’t in your life, likely because you either expect that you’ll talk to them again at some point, or even if you don’t expect to, you know you’re capable of living without them… and if you’re capable of being fine when your best guy friend isn’t in your life all the time… you’re absolutely capable of being fine with your ex not in your life… you just have to stop telling yourself that you aren’t.

    Aside from that, I STILL think of my ex daily, miss him very much, and I’m always thinking of things I want to tell him, so I understand where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t kill me because I don’t tell myself constantly that it’s killing me. My life is good. I’m okay and happy overall, and I know that. I don’t NEED him. I just want him. There’s a difference. If you’re feeling like you NEED her, then you have some work to do before you’ll ever be able to actually be with her again. But anyway… sometimes when I see a meme I wish I could show him, I’ll just save it in a folder on my computer to share if we are ever in each others’ lives again, and then I move on with my day. Maybe if you tried that… start a word document. When you think of something you want to tell her, just write it in there like you’re telling her, and then move on with your day. Don’t lament the fact that you can’t actually tell her… just write it like you’re telling her and move on.

    But I can tell you one thing…. no matter what you do, you will never feel better if you keep telling yourself that you’re empty and miserable without her… even if that’s what you believe right now. Your feelings on that are showing you that you need to change that belief.  It’s not a real thing. It’s just your attachment to her. You’re only thinking that way because you’re allowing yourself to believe it.  And again… this is coming from someone who also had an extremely deep connection with her ex who felt like home and we were inseparable and texted nonstop when we were apart, and I still do think there’s a good chance we’ll end up back together at some point. You don’t have to give up all hope to be together in order to feel happy and whole. You DO have to give up the idea that she is perfection and there’s no one better for you. Keep hope alive if you feel you’re meant to be but also keep your options open.

    Also… if you can only read a couple pages of a book before your mind wanders, meditation would probably be a good idea to start doing regularly. Train that brain to be able to focus without constantly having intrusive thoughts.

    Why do you have to handle your current situation before you start counseling?  You’re still planning on the breakup this weekend, right?

    #284803

    John
    Participant

    When you think of something you want to tell her, just write it in there like you’re telling her, and then move on with your day

     

    That is a very good idea.  I will start writing down things i want to share with her.  Hopefully that helps.  I know for I while I was keeping a journal (still have it) on my phone.  When i was having thoughts i would write her letters or notes and that way I felt like i was able to express myself.

    I actually did that when she need a “break” before we broke up.  I wish I would of shared with her after the break, so she would of known my thoughts and feelings.  Instead I acted like all was good when it wasn’t.  I was just happy to have her back, even thought it was only a month after that that she left me.

    #290173

    John
    Participant

    well, it’s been awhile since i’ve posted on here.  no really thrilled to say that i’m still thinking bout her everyday.  This is killing me.  I really don’t understand how i can feel like this about someone so intensely.  It plagues my thoughts so much.  I want to contact her so freakin bad.  I sometimes think maybe if we did meet, somehow i would not feel this way anymore.  Like i would think why did i love her so much and be able to move on.  and then i think if we could meet again that we would both connect like before and be able to start over.  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  I always thought I was stronger than this.  Very defeating.

    #290201

    Valora
    Participant

    I still think you’re holding onto her so tightly because you hate your current situation.

    So what if you met up and she said she wanted you back? You keep saying that you can’t get out of the current situation you’re in because you feel too guilty and your girlfriend keeps crying… wouldn’t adding another woman to the picture just complicate things more? Plus be waaaayyyy more painful for your girlfriend if you actually left her for your ex?  You can’t start over with your ex while you already have a girlfriend. Bringing your ex into that situation would likely end up breaking you two up permanently (because who wants to go through that??) while devastating your girlfriend at the same time.

    I think you should just do whatever you can to move on. Think of it as a wonderful learning experience but one that ran it’s course. Give yourself closure. And trust me, I know it’s not easy, but at some point you just have to concede that if our exes really wanted to be with us, they’d be back by now.

    #290335

    John
    Participant

    you make several valid points.  I do need to move on, bad.  I do need to end this thing I have now.  I think what really bothers me is that my ex was the one that reached out to me this last time(last december).  I know i don’t know any meaning behind things she did say, however there are a few things that just keep bouncing in my head.  Why did she say, ” I think of you often” and when i stopped texting, why did she get not upset, but wondering where I went?  It really makes me wonder if she was having second thoughts and was feeling out my situation.  Even though she has a boyfriend( extreme long distance relationship), and she knew i have a girlfriend.

    Since then I blocked her on my phones and social media. and supposedly she did the same.  Although I have a hunch if I were to unblock her, that i could contact her again.  I won’t.  But i’m sure I could.

    It’s just so very hard.  I’ve never had to deal with these kind of feelings ever.  Every day i think about her, sometimes throughout most of the day.  In fact I cried yesterday.  I do miss her so much.  I was actually driving in my truck the other day by myself and I reached over to the passenger seat like she was there and put my hand out as if she was holding it like we used to do.

    How pathetic is that!  God I miss her.  Why is this so freaking hard?  Every time I see a full moon or sunset or go to the beach.  There she is, in my head…  in my heart.

    If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

Viewing 15 posts - 406 through 420 (of 446 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.