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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 426 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 1 week, 3 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 391 through 405 (of 427 total)
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  • #276453

    Valora
    Participant

    Yes! Your ex really probably doesn’t know at all what she wants, which is just all the more reason it’s good you’re not with her right now. Hopefully someday she figures herself out.

    I commented! You’re struggling, but I feel like things are looking up for you and they will be looking waaaaayyyyyyy up if you can get yourself out of your current situation and back to where you can just enjoy your life without all of these other stressors that you shouldn’t have to be dealing with. That alone will help you a ton. I’m sure of it.

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Valora.
    #277397

    John
    Participant

    Today is a tough one. Don’t have much days like this anymore but damn. All I can think about is my ex. I really do miss her. I’m doing my best to be rational and what I should. Just really hard today. Days like today. I would do or give anything for another chance. I know that it’s not meant to be. Just missing her like this hurts. Give me the strength I need.

    #277487

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I still have those days from time to time, too. I’m not sure that can be helped, but just know you’ll likely feel better tomorrow or once you get your mind off of it. Usually venting helps me because then I stop dwelling after I vent.

    #277613

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    You say “Today is a tough one. Don’t have much days like this anymore but damn.” So yesterday was a tough day for you. You couldn’t get your mind off your ex. But most days aren’t like that for you anymore. This means you’re making progress! It doesn’t happen overnight, as you know. It takes time. You’re now having fewer days where you can’t get your mind off her! Valora said it perfectly: “…just know you’ll likely feel better tomorrow or once you get your mind off of it.” Become aware of the negative thoughts that pop into your head. They’re just thoughts. Don’t engage them; just let them pass. Let them go.

    You’re doing so well! I’m serious, you really are doing so much better than when you started this thread. You should be very proud of your progress. I am! Keep moving forward.

    B

    #277727

    John
    Participant

    Thanks guys.  I’m really trying here.  it’s been all week now so far though.  I want to contact her so freaking bad.  I know i can’t.  I know that if i do there is lots of consequences.

    It’s so hard to explain these feelings I get.  I feel like I would rather have some kind of contact, even knowing that she has no intentions, then none  at all.  I still get that good feeling when she would text me or play that stupid on line word game with me.  It’s been eating me up this week and last.  Hurts.

    then i hurt because i feel like a POS to my girlfriend.  Why can’t I feel like this with her?  Why can’t I have that mind set of missing her all the time like i did my ex.

    so much in my head right now.  luckily this week i don’t have my girls so I can have  a little bit of time to reflect.

    I feel like i’ve put myself in such a bad situation now and I have no idea how to get out of it.

    The only thing i can do is focus on work and my projects at home.  Besides that…  i don’t know.

    DAMNIT!  All I want is to get in my truck, drive to her town, and just look at her in the eyes, then just hold her.  even if it was just for a second.  I absolutly hate this feeling.  this feeling of no control over my emotions.

    I’m really trying to push past this episode.  I did cry the other night again.  Been a while since i have done that.

    To make it all worse, next week is my 1 year anniversary of meeting my girlfriend.  I feel like an ass because part of me feels like ” no big whoop”  like it’s just another day.  Where as with my ex, i knew it every month and especially at the year.  I made it a big deal.

    I got to get back to work.  talk later.

    #277733

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I don’t think playing that word game with your ex helped you any, even though it felt good at the time. It sounds like it ended up pulling you backwards a bit. That’s happened to me when my ex has contacted me, too.  It gives you a weird sort of hope, only for it to fall flat. I think you’re doing the right thing by not contacting her, though, because she showed a lot of immaturity still over the past few weeks.

    I also think you should quit beating yourself up over why you don’t feel like this with your girlfriend. It’s VERY likely you don’t feel like that for her because your girlfriend isn’t a match for you. If you found a woman who IS a good match, I bet you’d feel those feelings for her and your feelings for your ex would start to really fade more. So there’s no point in feeling like a jerk about how you don’t feel or remember things with your current girlfriend… you cannot help how you feel or don’t feel. Those feelings just show you that she isn’t the one for you, especially since you’ve been saying the same thing for months now.

    You HAVE put yourself in quite the situation and it’s going to take a little time to be able to get out of it, given that you don’t want to make your girlfriend move to another family member’s house, so you’re just going to have to try to do what you can to help her to be able to move and, hopefully in the next month, with tax season, she’ll be in a better position to move out.

    #277773

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I wish you’d reread your posts on this thread from the past two months. You had it all figured out, that is, what motivates your ex to act the way she does. You saw her in a different light, remember? She’s controlling, doesn’t want you to be happy, etc. I also think she called you a “dumbass” at some point. Are you forgetting all these things? This is where you really need to look at yourself and understand why you’re still thinking romantically about a woman who called you a dumbass. There are some things you just can’t overlook. Don’t overlook this! You say “I still get that good feeling when she would text me”. Explain how you get a good feeling when you receive a text message from someone who thinks you’re a dumbass because I can’t understand this.

    I know I’m being tough on you but I also know you need to hear this and that you can handle it. 🙂

    B

    #278021

    John
    Participant

    Valora, you make sense.  Lots of sense.  I do think that if I was able to find someone that was a match for me, then my feelings would fade.  As for her taxes, well she isn’t going to get as much as we had hoped.  so back to square one…

    This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

    I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

    Just sucks sometimes.   I did work on my daughters quad some and my friends car some last night and watched a show with my girlfriend before bed.  She could tell i wasn’t myself though.  I just kept telling her I was tired.

    I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

    If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

     

    Brandy,  Yes i do know what motivates my ex.  She loves being the one in control, the one to say yes or no, not the one lingering in the wind waiting for someone else.  She does have an attitude and other things.  What i meant by “I still get that good feeling when she would text me” is simple.  No matter what she has done or will ever do.  I love her.  I love her deep in my heart in places I didn’t even know existed within myself.  I can’t explain it.  I don’t understand how someone could love someone that much.  Especially after all that has happened and almost a year and a half later after she left me and clearly had no issues moving on with another man quickly.  I don’t think  a love like that ever goes away.  and seeing her words on my phone…  even if she was a bitch…  I just can’t explain it.  It puts a smile on my face.

    I hate it.  I hate that i ever gave myself to someone that way.  I feel so defeated some days.

    I have to get to work.  thanks fro your replies.

     

    #278055

    Valora
    Participant

    This is all so confusing for me and so tormenting in some ways.  We are creeping up on the anniversary of the day we met.  2/5/19.  I can’t help but wonder if this is how my ex was feeling at this time when she left me?  If she did love me but wasn’t “in love” with me like she should have been.  If there were just too many issues that she did try to deal with and couldn’t anymore.  But then I wonder if she was feeling this way and did reach out to another man before she left me.  Even if it was just conversation.  Just like I had done with my girlfriend.

    I know I can’t think what if or question or assume things.  Just telling you all what has been going through my mind.  Including “why in the world would someone that clearly expressed they want nothing to do with me EVER.  Why would the repeatedly come back?”

    Yeah, the biggest problem with questioning is that there is absolutely know way to know the real answers. From your ex’s actions, it sounds like she doesn’t even know how she feels or what she wants, and that’s definitely something she would need to figure out before she can happily succeed in any long-term relationship. It’s better that she stays away from you while she’s still in this immaturity mode, because it wouldn’t fare well for you guys either.

    I don’t know how to do this or if/when I tell her that she needs to move on and it’s not working.  I don’t even know where to begin that conversation or ???

    If you haven’t noticed.  I’m the type that would rather suffer than bring someone else hurt and pain.

    I am also this type. Everyone else’s needs and wants come before mine, but I’ve learned over the last year that you cannot pour from an empty cup. When you drag yourself down by not meeting your own needs, it drags everyone else around you down, too.  Causing short-term pain is better than a very slow, long-term descent into misery for both of you.

    I’ve also found it helps to reframe things in your mind: Breaking up might cause her hurt and pain in the short term, but you two staying together in a relationship when you are not compatible is keeping you both from finding someone you are compatible with… so you staying with her is also keeping her from being with someone who is truly a match with her… which is much worse, in my opinion, than short-term heartbreak.

    So, in terms of a talk, it might just be best to rip off the band-aid. Tell her you’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as wonderful and loving as she is, you don’t feel like you’re a match for each other. Then you’re going to have to stand firm with that. She’s going to feel hurt because she loves you and rejection sucks, but it’s better than staying in an incompatible relationship when there are people out there for you both who are likely much better matches and who you each would be happier with overall.

    Having said that… keep in mind that I don’t know either of you personally, so my opinion on all of this is just based on what you’ve said about the amount of fighting you guys do and your own feelings you’ve expressed here. I had a guy in the past that I was just swooning over for literally 10 years and I thought we were meant to be and that I’d never get over him. No guys ever compared or made me feel anywhere close to what he did, but as soon as I met my most recent ex, my feelings for the other guy just completely disappeared and even now I don’t think about that other guy in that way, whom I’m still friends with… so that’s one reason how I know that if you were with the right one for you, you wouldn’t be thinking of your ex the way you do now because you would be too happy and enamored with your current girlfriend to even care… if she were a match.

    #278065

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    You explained that very well. Thank you.

    The feeling you get when you think of your ex or see a text message from her is very strong indeed. So strong that it clouds your good judgement, and I’ve learned from this thread that your judgment is very good. You pay attention. You see things. Even in your last post you refer to her as a “bitch”, but her character doesn’t seem to be a big factor for you. You love her unconditionally, that is, without conditions. I love my husband very much too but I don’t love him unconditionally. There are conditions that need to be met for our relationship to work. Honesty, fidelity, mutual respect, and transparency are a few.

    I still think you’re making great progress! You’re still thinking about her fewer days than you used to, right? So this past week has been especially tough with you thinking about her more than you have in recent weeks….so what!  I think next week will be better.

    Keep moving forward! 🙂

    Have a nice weekend.

    B

    #278569

    John
    Participant

    ugh.  she is still on my mind.  I don’t have any idea why it has been so much in my head lately, but damn.  I’m really trying to focus on other things, but she keeps popping in there.  I hate this so much!  I just needed to vent.  thanks for listening.

    #278597

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and know that you are okay. You are in no danger. You are totally safe regardless of these thoughts and feelings. They will eventually pass on their own without any effort from you.

    B

    #278845

    Valora
    Participant

    ugh.  she is still on my mind.  I don’t have any idea why it has been so much in my head lately, but damn.  I’m really trying to focus on other things, but she keeps popping in there.  I hate this so much!  I just needed to vent.  thanks for listening.

    I know how you feel. My ex has been on my mind too, and I’m thinking the time of year isn’t helping. It’s just so BLAH outside and there isn’t much to do. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I tend to think about my ex more when I’m feeling bored or lonely. But just remember, when you start thinking about her, it might feel bad in the moment, but those thoughts will pass and don’t be too hard on yourself when she pops into your mind. I still think it’s normal. Just do your best to redirect to what’s happening in the moment and any good things that might be happening right now.

    #278957

    John
    Participant

    My problem is I feel like I always think about her. Any little thing reminds me of her. I hate it. I still haven’t gone a single day without thoughts of her

    Even stupid things. For example. My girlfriend decided to try a new creamer. Itialian sweet cream. That was my ex’s favorite. Or when I put salt on my food. My ex loved salt. She always salted everything. Stupids things like that. I feel doomed some days. This is so hard. Almost a year and a half later and sometimes it feels like yesterday and almost everyday it feels like my feelings for her as as strong or more than before.

    Im really trying to push through. It is tough though. Love stinks.

    #278963

    Valora
    Participant

    Honestly, I think it’s going to probably be that way until you meet someone that takes your mind off of her. It was like that for me with a guy before my most recent ex. I thought about him every day for years right up until I started dating my ex and then I stopped thinking about the other guy altogether. So it’s not completely hopeless and you just have to try to accept that those thoughts are going to be there and try not to get upset with yourself… they’ll go away when you meet someone who is actually a match for you. The longer you stay in your current situation, though, the longer this is going to last.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  Valora.
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