December 12, 2018 at 1:15 pm #269091
I didn’t plan on posting on here anymore. but…
I was deleting voicemails on my phone and saw that I had one from 9/15/18 from my ex. I had blocked her number by then because of everything that had went down between my girlfriend finding out I was talking to her and all that.
I had to listen to it. All she said was that she would appreciate a call back. She hasn’t called me once since we started talking again. everything all through messages. I’m guessing she wanted to tell me off about everything I had done and warn me to stay away? but then again why would she unblock her FB? If you don’t want someone in your life, why not leave them blocked in all ways so they can never contact you again? Yet more questions for my mind. great 🙁 I’m pretty sure though that that was it, cause it was right around the time that my girlfriend contacted her. I will never know. just needed to get it off my chest. Damn.December 12, 2018 at 4:58 pm #269113
Yeah, if it was right around the time your girlfriend contacted your ex-girlfriend, the ex was probably upset that she was contacted. I would be super annoyed if any of my ex’s girlfriends contacted me because it wouldn’t be ME they need to have the talk with, it’s their boyfriend. So if you think that’s what she wanted to talk to you about, it probably was.
It’s hard to say why she would unblock you on Facebook. It could’ve been just her trying to see who your girlfriend was after your girlfriend contacted her or it could’ve been something else entirely. That’s probably not a question you’ll get an answer to without directly asking, so I would just accept it as just a random thing that happened and try to move on from it.December 13, 2018 at 1:37 pm #269171
Yes, that’s what i think. Just odd to me that she called. Mrs. text message actually picked up her phone?? She probably wanted to chew my ass over the phone. Oh well, it was 3 months ago.
I am focusing on my girlfriend this week. Her best friend is flying in from California tonight for the weekend(she has no idea), then surprise birthday party for her on saturday. again no idea, then next weekend is our first get away together. (again, no clue). I’m very excited. I love doing this kind of shit…December 13, 2018 at 9:02 pm #269219
Good for you for focusing on your girlfriend! And good luck on the getaway trip! Maybe doing things like that more often will help you feel better about everything, too, because you love doing those things so much. I hope both you and your girlfriend have a great time! Enjoy it!December 17, 2018 at 3:00 pm #269729
Had a good weekend. Surprised the crap out of my girlfriend. This weekend is our trip. Can’t wait for that.
However…. My ex must have intuition of when things are getting better for me. We used to play a word game online with each other. She sent me a request to start one with me saturday night out of the blue. You can chat privately in that game, she also wanted to chat…
I am ashamed to say I wasn’t strong. I should of just ignored it and left it alone. I didn’t. We messaged back and forth a little bit. About my girlfriend contacting her a few months ago. her life and mine in general. she apologized for hurting me. She said she “I’m alone”. I asked about her boyfriend. she said he is still there, just working out of state for another year.
She mentioned something about me doing exactly what her ex-husband did and how much that hurt. I’m thinking she means finding a new girlfriend and then moving her in. I did finally get to express to her how much I was hurt by the fact that i felt like i wasn’t important enough for her to try to remedy things before it was too late. And the fact that she left me. It felt good to say that.
there was more said, In the end of it all the last text she sent me said “I think of you often and you gave me my laugh back and I will always be grateful for that.” Wow! really? How dare her say that she thinks of me often. She knows how I feel and that would fuck with my head!
Some of the things she said really rang clear for me who she is. One of the things she told me before of why it didn’t work is that she said that I was a control freak and she liked to wing it. I realized that yes, i do like to plan and make plans. I do also like to be spontaneous, but i loved planning events and time together. I think though that she is really a control person. She has to have control of the situation whatever it is. That’s why it felt like everything was always on her watch or her convenience. She is an independent woman and when it became a codependent thing or having me run things or share a little bit. It was hard for her to deal with.
Just like now. I stopped talking to her all together. NOTHING. after 3 months, she looked me up again… After she blocked me and told me she was done and can’t be friends. After my girlfriend messaged her three months ago and made it clear to leave us alone and she responded to her that she wants nothing but happiness for us… I don’t think she can handle the fact that i am happy without her. That’s why she looked me up. She also said my girlfriend looks like my ex-wife! WTH? I think she was jealous of my friendship i have with her also. She is a very jealous person. When I was with her, she talked about her ex-husband and his girlfriend and how much she hated her…
She shed a lot of light on her. I feel like if she truly did want me to be happy and was done and didn’t want to have some kind of control of influence in my life, then she would of never contacted me again. I think by unblocking me she wanted to look at my profile and see what i was up to.
It would be nice to know that she was doing this because she did really care for me, love me, miss me, and want to try again. However I think it’s because she can’t handle the idea of someone else making me happy. Just like she had a hard time with her ex being happy without her and with someone else.
I have to say though, she does know how to tug at my heart strings. It is very hard not to want to keep a line open to her. I know that I can’t though. I have to let this lie. It’s everything I can do to not want to though. But the fact that she is so conflicting in things she says. Like “I’m alone”, but yet she has a boyfriend. Having him, no matter how far away means you are not alone, especially if you really are “in love”. When i was with her, we were apart a majority of the time. I did feel alone, but I wasn’t alone, she was right there on the other side of the phone whenever i needed. It makes me wonder if that is just a superficial relationship? If she is just with him because of whatever reasons besides really being in love with him? It doesn’t matter though. What matters is what you all have taught me here. If that is ever meant to be with her, then we both have to learn and grow on our own and it will happen when its right. I can’t assume anything she says any kind of meaning. And I think the biggest thing for me is to not dive back in and be tempted by her. Getting all gushy mushy and needy again. I need to keep my distance and be strong. Love what i do have with my girlfriend now. And grow with that. With someone that loves me for me and all my flaws and is willing to work with me on any issues I may have. Not feel like i’m on eggshells because i’m doing something that she thinks I shouldn’t. or not to her expectations.
It is amazing to me though that she contacted me again. really it’s kind of irritating. If she want me to be happy then why can’t she leave me alone?
I’m sorry to keep posting on this thread. I was done with it until she contacted me…December 17, 2018 at 6:54 pm #269745
Well, John, I’m proud of you. You talked to her and got a little bit off your chest by waiting for her to contact you first, and at the end of it, you came out strong (even though part of you doesn’t want to be) and you realized that she wasn’t telling you what you need to hear to be able to keep a line open with her, which would literally be the words “I want to try again.” From what you said, I agree with your assessment of things as far as her being lonely and bugged that you might be happy with someone else and that continuing to talk to her now would only deepen your pain in the long run.
And I still think any relationship she has is going to be fairly superficial, based on what you’ve told us, just because it seems like she has some stuff she needs to work through before she can let herself really get deeper with someone, to the point where she isn’t going to want to run away. And, you’re right, she has to learn and grow and work through everything before you and her could ever work long-term as well, because otherwise her old issues will just pop up again and you wouldn’t be able to trust her not to turn around and do the same thing. There HAS to be change.
So, all in all, good for you, John! Stay strong and keep on the path you’re on. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your girlfriend.December 18, 2018 at 8:50 am #269825
I just now read your last post and it made so much sense to me. You seem to have a much clearer picture of what motivates your ex. The mixed feelings you’re having seem so reasonable to me. Continue to trust your instincts because they are good!
Hope you have a great weekend with your gf!
BDecember 18, 2018 at 4:55 pm #269907
Thanks. it’s very hard not to fall into that hole again. She is so jealous of my girlfriend. Yet she was the one that told me to move on, she was the one the left me. She was the one that started dating again only a month after she had left me because she couldn’t be in a relationship. It’s like she has issues with someone else making her ex happy. Even though she told me several times i needed to find someone that can give me what i need and deserve. and how much that she has moved on and is with someone else and I need to do the same. But yet when i have she despises her. She even referred to her as a bitch. I don’t get it. If she has such a problem, then why did she ever leave me in the first place and tell me to start a new chapter in my life and find someone?? Like i said, i think she has to be in total control? And for her not to be with us, is what drove her away.
I must say, i still do love her though. Crazy how the mind and heart thinks differently. I am being good though. Still going to stick to my plan. Tonight is my girlfriends last night on that shitty job, she will have a week off, then start a part time with better hours. I will stick it out with her for awhile to see if i do feel better about us once her schedule is better. If not, then i will have no choice but to move on from her. One thing i have learned is that I can’t keep putting on a fake smile hoping things will get better. Either i will be completly happy most all the time, or i will be miserable and build up more and more resentment. If things don’t get better with us, i do want them to end a lot differently then with my ex.December 18, 2018 at 6:51 pm #269909
I think part of you is always going to love her, but she really is treating you unfairly and she doesn’t deserve you until she fixes her problems. I think she also needs to be the one to come to you and say flat out that she wants to work things out. Otherwise, it does just seem like some sort of game of control, which is not fair to you.
I think that’s a good game plan with your girlfriend, too. See how things go and if you still aren’t feeling it, then you aren’t feeling it, and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means she isn’t a match for you and it’ll be a good time to focus on yourself for a while. But if you and your girlfriend do break up, I probably still wouldn’t contact your ex. It would probably do you some good to have a little time off from relationships just to reset and get back to being happy with your life in general, outside of relationships.December 19, 2018 at 6:09 am #269955
I agree completely with you Valora. I really think my ex contacting me, really has helped me see more of who she is and her problems.
If she really wanted me to be happy, then she would be happy for me. Not show so much aggression and bitterness.January 8, 2019 at 3:06 pm #273243
well, i’m back…. Got an update, and I have to say i feel ashamed of myself…
So, I should of blocked my ex and told her I can’t do this on and off “friends” thing. Especially since i’m trying to make a life with my girlfriend but I didn’t. I entertained her. Her and i would randomly message or kept playing that word game over the last couple weeks.
Well let me back things up a bit. In the meantime, in my normal life. My girlfriend quit her job that had the crazy hours on December 18th. She started working a part time waitress job on the 27th and has been doing that. That job will not pay her expenses, but we are working on that together and she did have an interview for a different full time job that should be able to. Hopefully something will happen there.
We went on our weekend trip together on the 21st. It was fun, however we did get into another big fight on the first night towards the end of the night. I don’t understand why we fight so much? I don’t know if it’s something that I try to trigger subconsciously. Like if I really don’t want to be with her and I am trying to get her to have “enough”? or what? But dang, it seems like we still fight over stupid shit every day. Even last night we went grocery shopping together. This was the first time we really did this. I got irritated at all the garbage shit food she was wanting to get for the kids for snacks and herself. She is on food stamps now so the cost isn’t anything, in fact we will probably have leftover food money by next month. It’s just, I’m so used to only getting healthy things to eat. More protein, less empty carbs and crap. That irritated me, but when i brought it up she said that my way isn’t always the right way. UGH, off on a tangent here… I know i really need to start a new thread with these issues. I will soon. Back to my other crap…
So besides that fight, we had a pretty good weekend. Coming home back to reality sucked. I thought it was a good weekend and we needed it. However, it did really make me miss being able to do that kind of thing more often. I really didn’t miss my Ex. I did have a couple memories, but nothing like before. I just miss that life.
So back to current time…
been messaging off and on, nothing “romantic” or anything. Just “friends” stuff to my ex. Playing that word game. entertaining her, trying to see her motivation in contacting me after she said she want’s nothing to do with me… AGAIN..
Well New Years Eve rolls around….
We go to my friends house, watch the football game, then go over to my other friends from there. We were smart and have arranged a designated driver so we can both drink and ring in the new year together. Our first new years eve! Well I really don’t know what happened. I don’t know if i didn’t eat right or if it was cause of my diabetes, but the alcohol HIT hard! I didn’t even drink that much. I’ve drank more than this before in less time. I was fine, then i was done. It was like I was hit by a train. I blacked out and that was it. I woke up the next morning on my couch.
Come to find out when we got home, I called my girlfriend my ex’s name a couple times and I guess I was crying for her a little bit. So that triggered some shit in my girlfriend. She got mad and lost her shit. She threw a bunch of shit in our bedroom, and then threw my phone… twice! She made sure it was broken good. Then after all of that she felt bad and called my work phone to find it. When she found it, i had a notification from that freaking word game I was playing with my ex! and of course her user name includes her first name. So that compounded things.
OH, forgot to tell you the kids were at a friends that night so they were not subjected to this. Thank god!
So back to my soap opera…
She flipped out on me. I don’t blame her. I told her that i was confused(which I was) I said for someone that was DONE with me and told Kristy that I was the one constantly bothering her, someone that said she wishes us happiness and have a good life… Why would she contact me? I was intrigued and then once we started messaging, it was just curiosity. Which is all true. I know I should of left it all alone and just ignored it. But dang! Why would someone do this? I couldn’t stay away.
Well my girlfriend said she doesn’t forgive me, but still believes that we will prevail over this. So the last time i contacted my ex was the early day on new years eve. I left that phone at home that night. She did message me that early evening asking what i was doing, then after i didn’t respond for a couple hours, she messaged again ” what, are you ignoring me now?!” Then later that night she sent something in the chat room of that game. I never answered anything. some of the last messages in the chat room in that game was ” i guess we can’t be friends?” and then a day later she started a new game and said “hello” with a wave. I haven’t responded to anything. I deleted the game app off of my phone and blocked her on FB and on my phones. I have to say, this was very hard to do. I feel like she was actually feeling some remorse for how everything happened. in one of the last messaged she did send me she told me she was sorry for ever hurting me. just out of the blue. I know it wouldn’t ever do any good, but what i would give to be able to just sit with her and talk face to face about everything. to be done. To be able to forgive her and myself. It’s just baffling to me. all of it.
It is something how this time, i just stopped talking to her and she is the one that kept messaging me, trying to get something out of me. Crazy.
One other development… My girlfriend found out she was friends on FB with one of my ex’s boyfriends friends. My girlfriend got a hold of my ex’s boyfriends close friend/brother (she tried to message my ex’s boyfriend, but she is blocked-go figure. ) And told him what has been going on. My ex’s boyfriends friend was very surprised to hear that my ex and I have been in contact and sounded like he was going to say something to him. My girlfriend even took pics of our chat room and sent it to him for proof. But then he backed out at the last minute. He didn’t want drama with him and his friend.
Through that though, we found out that they have been together for over a year, and that she had moved into his house a while ago. No real details, just that she is renting it from him while he is working out of state. Who knows what that means, if all his shit is still there and she is just helping out with cost and living with him, or if she is renting his house from him? Who knows. doesn’t matter. What matters is all the grief she gave me about my girlfriend moving in with me in September, yet she was already living in his house! Makes sense whenever I asked her if she sold her house or where she is going to live when she does she would just ignore the question. And sometimes get irritated.
Why are women so crazy? Why did she make me so crazy?
So long story short here. She is blocked all around. It kills me because I do want to talk to her more. I really think if I kept it light and friendly with her, she would tell me more eventually about what really happened. But that is not an option. Not with my girlfriend.
So to continue more drama. My girlfriend snooped in my work phone. She looked back several months. I forgot to delete something I had in there. Something about that woman i saw once or twice. The diva chick… OMG. So that was more trouble for me now with my girlfriend.
I was caught in more secret shit i have in my past… But yet still, she wants to push through and work through all of this. She feels like we are meant to be together and we are just being tested. I honestly don’t know what to think. I know I love her. I don’t know if i’m in love with her or if I was, but all the kid/work/money drama killed that and now I just feel responsible for her and her kids?
I defiantly feel like a POS! Makes me wonder though, if i do this on purpose trying to get my girlfriend to have enough and leave? I really don’t know what my deal is.
She told me that regardless of what happens, if we don’t work out, she is not going anywhere until she is back on her feet. So this is awkward kind of. Basically if things don’t get better for us, then She will share a room with her son and I will take over her sons room until she can move out on her own.
Right now we are still trying to make it together though. I have to give it a shot. I owe us that much. Now that she is working days and is home at night, we will see if things get better. If they don’t then we will have to figure out something. For now though we will push through.
I do have a plan though for either circumstance. She should get a decent tax return, so we are going to use that to pay off most or all of her credit bills except her car. She is currently refinancing her car and we are trying to get her cell phone payment lower. My goal is for her to only have her car payment, car insurance, and cell phone bill to worry about after taxes are all done. Hopefully she will be working at the new job full time and better wage by then. Then if is does not work, she can save money and find a place to live and if it does work, we can focus on my debt and financial crap. If we decide to stay together, then after she is good, we are going to focus on my debt to try to free up extra money. Money has always been a big stress to me. I think that was another thing i really liked about “before”. We shared costs on things. She spoiled me and i spoiled her. It was a two way street. With my girlfriend. I fell like i’ve been the one helping her this entire time.
I’m trying to plan for both scenarios. So we will see….
All of this being said. I really don’t know what’s going on with me…. If i purposely didn’t delete things, or left my notifications on so i would get caught in hopes that she would leave, or if i did it for attention? I have no Idea. i am only sure of a couple things.
1. I do love my girlfriend, i just don’t know if I love her the way I should or if i’m clouded because of my past or her kids or money?
2. I am not missing my ex like i was and this recent communication with her helped me, the fact that she is bitter, but yet done the same thing. However, I do love her still. I don’t know how to stop that feeling. I love her more than my current girlfriend and that kills me. I wish I didn’t.
3. I need to make myself happy. If that means getting my girlfriend on her feet so if we don’t work out, then she can leave then that’s what it is.
4. I am very confused about my ex and her intentions. Maybe she does miss me just as a friend or maybe more? Or maybe she still has guilt and is trying to fix that in her own way? Who knows. I really wish she would talk to me straight out and answer my questions i do have, but she won’t. I don’t know if it’s because of guilt or what. Questions like that i will never have an answer for. I am trying to be able to accept that.
5. What is meant to be will be. Just like you’ve all said. If we are meant to be together, then someday it will happen. Right now I need to focus on what I have and make the best of it. I do feel like every day is a struggle though. I am trying to make the best of it.January 8, 2019 at 9:10 pm #273347
We went on our weekend trip together on the 21st. It was fun, however we did get into another big fight on the first night towards the end of the night. I don’t understand why we fight so much? I don’t know if it’s something that I try to trigger subconsciously. Like if I really don’t want to be with her and I am trying to get her to have “enough”? or what? But dang, it seems like we still fight over stupid shit every day.
I really, really think it’s simply because you aren’t compatible with your girlfriend. I think you’re trying to sort of force a relationship that is ultimately just going to fail because you truly aren’t right for each other, just based on what you’ve said. I don’t even think it has anything to do with your feelings for your ex. Your current girlfriend just doesn’t seem like a good match for you…. and that’s okay. Not every two people are going to be able to make a relationship work. Compatibility really is a big deal!
I think you would do much better if you left your current relationship and just stay single until you get everything in your life back to where you are feeling happy, financially secure, and whole and then find someone who has their life together and will be able to do the things that you enjoy doing, going on the trips, doing the fun outings, and being with someone you have more in common with (someone who doesn’t drink so much and wants to eat healthy foods, for example) and there would be much, much less fighting that way. It also sounds like your girlfriend is quite co-dependent (otherwise, she would NOT have put up with you putting her second to your ex in the past), which is not at healthy in a relationship and it’s not sustainable. Have you ever felt suffocated while with her? That would be why.
As for your ex, I’m proud of you for deciding to just not respond and block her. She deserves it, and who knows what she’s trying to do but until she literally comes to you and says “I want to work things out and try again,” nothing else she does matters and it’s all just messing with your head, so it’s better to just leave that alone unless she starts clearly and actively trying to get back together and proves to you that she has grown and changed. Right now, it sounds like she’s still being pretty passive aggressive with the “what, we can’t be friends now??” after you didn’t reply for several hours, and that’s really quite immature. My ex actually contacted me right before the holidays, too, asking if I still had something of his. Turns out I did and he was going to come get it and then hasn’t. haha. He wished me Merry Christmas, and I haven’t heard from him since. So who knows why they do the things they do, but it’s best to just not even try to figure it out. If your ex decides she wants you back, she needs to be DIRECT and to just come out and say it. Until then, just let whatever she does roll right off your shoulders and try not to give it a second thought.
Now, back to your current relationship, I think you just probably need to be honest with yourself and you could answer your own questions. Meditate on it if you must, but given everything you’ve said here, I think you know how you really feel about your current relationship, and I think you would feel this way with this women whether you’d dated your ex or not. It’s ultimately up to you to decide if that’s how you feel, though, because I’m basically just a stranger on the internet, forming my opinion only off of what you’ve told us. So do some soul searching here and don’t feel bad about it if you decide this isn’t the right relationship for you. It doesn’t mean you didn’t try to make it work and it doesn’t mean you’ve tried to purposely sabotage it because of your ex… it just means you aren’t a match. So you’d simply be freeing yourself up to find a better fit for you AND your girlfriend would be free to find someone who is a better fit for her, but she probably needs to work on some of her issues first. I do think it’d be good to try to help your ex get back on her feet though, even so you’ll feel better about having to leave the relationship if that’s what you decide to do, at least you’ll know she’s on somewhat solid footing… and staying that way after that will be up to her and not on you, so if you DO break up, make it a clean break and cut contact once you go your separate ways.
I think you are going to always have love for your ex…. but you will know when you’re in the right relationship when the love for your woman in that relationship surpasses the love you feel for your ex. It’d eventually happen if you stay single and don’t commit until you find that person, but it won’t happen if you’re tied up in the wrong relationship and trying to scoop water out of a sinking ship. Know what I mean?January 22, 2019 at 10:22 am #276163
So still have my ex blocked on everything. Unfortunately my girlfriend never blocked her on her social media and my ex unblocked my girlfriend and read a message she sent to her about leaving us alone. My ex has issues. I’m really seeing that now. It’s like she can’t stay away. I’m guessing she unblocked my girlfriend to see what’s happening in our lives and then that message came thru.
Anyways she responded to my girlfriend with this.
“I blocked him, he blocked me so go be paranoid with someone else and leave me out of your drama. The last thing you want to do is threaten me or ever contact me again. Trust me. You deserve each other.”
I thought that was funny, considering that I blocked her and she kept trying to get a hold of me.
Then my girlfriend responded with this.
“I saw your messages, so don’t act innocent”
Then my ex responded to my girlfriend with this.
“If you saw messages you would see there was no big secret! if you can’t trust his dumbass that on him. I’m out trust me- a long ass time ago. I will never speak to him again. He’s all yours. I strongly suggest you lose my number just as I told him.”
again… WTH? “I’m out trust me- a long ass time ago?” but yet she was the one that initiated contact after 3 months and then kept pursing when i stopped.
That woman is so confusing. The shittiest part of all is that I still f$#%ing have feelings for her. I hate that so much. In fact yesterday i couldn’t stop thinking about her. A big part of me wanted to contact her and apologize for my girlfriend contacting her and starting more shit. I didn’t though.
I’m doing a lot better today. Still though… what is wrong with her? If she was really done, then why not block both my and my girlfriend on every thing she can and never look back? Why can’t people just say what they really mean and do what they say they are going to do. I think my ex has told me or my girlfriend that she is “DONE” and there will never be contact again at least a half dozen times.
Well I’m going to go for now. I will start a new thread soon about my other problems at home. one thing is my 12 year old told me recently she is unhappy with our living situation. GREAT! So we are working through it. I really wish my girlfriend had a good job and the resources to move out. We could still try seeing each other, and see how that goes, but right now we are all stuck together and I am afraid things are just going to get worse.January 22, 2019 at 6:30 pm #276309
Yeah, I don’t think your girlfriend COULD block her if your ex already had her block because your girlfriend wouldn’t have been able to get to her account to block her. It’s weird that your ex decided to unblock your girlfriend though. Why even bother checking up on your girlfriend if she’s “DONE.” Makes absolutely no sense.
At any rate, she’s acting very, very immaturely and, in my opinion, she most definitely hasn’t done enough growth where a relationship would work for you two yet. You guys would probably end up having the same problems. So it’s good that you still have her blocked and are just trying to focus on what you’ve got going on with your current situation. Hopefully your girlfriend will get a huge tax refund and that’ll help her to get back on her feet. If she does end up moving out, I wouldn’t even bother with seeing each other because you’re already taking a step backwards and it’s highly likely there is someone out there who is a better fit for you than both of these women, and being single will give you a chance to find exactly what you’re looking for, so I’d make a clean break of it, if I were you.January 23, 2019 at 6:44 am #276385
Thanks Valora. yes my ex has some growing to do. She is very confusing in things she says and does then contradicts herself…
It’s almost like she doesn’t know what she wants either…
So i did start a new thread about my life at home now with my girlfriend and kids.
“I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life”
feel free to look at that and comment.
thanks everyone. Still Struggling…. LOL