I didn’t plan on posting on here anymore. but…

I was deleting voicemails on my phone and saw that I had one from 9/15/18 from my ex.  I had blocked her number by then because of everything that had went down between my girlfriend finding out I was talking to her and all that.

I had to listen to it.  All she said was that she would appreciate a call back.  She hasn’t called me once since we started talking again.  everything all through messages.  I’m guessing she wanted to tell me off about everything I had done and warn me to stay away?  but then again why would she unblock her FB?  If you don’t want someone in your life, why not leave them blocked in all ways so they can never contact you again?   Yet more questions for my mind.  great 🙁  I’m pretty sure though that that was it, cause it was right around the time that my girlfriend contacted her.  I will never know.  just needed to get it off my chest.  Damn.

Yes, that’s what i think.  Just odd to me that she called.  Mrs. text message actually picked up her phone??  She probably wanted to chew my ass over the phone.  Oh well, it was 3 months ago.

I am focusing on my girlfriend this week.  Her best friend is flying in from California tonight for the weekend(she has no idea), then surprise birthday party for her on saturday.  again no idea, then next weekend is our first get away together. (again, no clue).  I’m very excited.  I love doing this kind of shit…

Had a good weekend.  Surprised the crap out of my girlfriend.  This weekend is our trip.  Can’t wait for that.

However….  My ex must have intuition of when things are getting better for me.  We used to play a word game online with each other.   She sent me a request to start one with me saturday night out of the blue.  You can chat privately in that game, she also wanted to chat…

I am ashamed to say I wasn’t strong.  I should of just ignored it and left it alone.  I didn’t.  We messaged back and forth a little bit. About my girlfriend contacting her a few months ago.  her life and mine in general.  she apologized for hurting me.  She said she “I’m alone”.  I asked about her boyfriend.  she said he is still there, just working out of state for another year.

She mentioned something about me doing exactly what her ex-husband did and how much that hurt. I’m thinking she means finding a new girlfriend and then moving her in.  I did finally get to express to her how much I was hurt by the fact that i felt like i wasn’t important enough for her to try to remedy things before it was too late.  And the fact that she left me.  It felt good to say that.

there was more said,  In the end of it all the last text she sent me said  “I think of you often and you gave me my laugh back and I will always be grateful for that.”  Wow!  really?  How dare her say that she thinks of me often.  She knows how I feel and that would fuck with my head!

Some of the things she said really rang clear for me who she is.  One of the things she told me before of why it didn’t work is that she said that I was a control freak and she liked to wing it.  I realized that yes, i do like to plan and make plans.  I do also like to be spontaneous, but i loved planning events and time together.  I think though that she is really a control person.  She has to have control of the situation whatever it is.  That’s why it felt like everything was always on her watch or her convenience.  She is an independent woman and when it became a codependent thing or having me run things or share a little bit.  It was hard for her to deal with.

Just like now.  I stopped talking to her all together.  NOTHING.  after 3 months, she looked me up again…  After she blocked me and told me she was done and can’t be friends.  After my girlfriend messaged her three months ago and made it clear to leave us alone and she responded to her that she wants nothing but happiness for us…  I don’t think she can handle the fact that i am happy without her.  That’s why she looked me up.  She also said my girlfriend looks like my ex-wife!  WTH?  I think she was jealous of my friendship i have with her also.  She is a very jealous person.  When I was with her, she talked about her ex-husband and his girlfriend and how much she hated her…

She shed a lot of light on her.  I feel like if she truly did want me to be happy and was done and didn’t want to have some kind of control of influence in my life, then she would of never contacted me again.  I think by unblocking me she wanted to look at my profile and see what i was up to.

It would be nice to know that she was doing this because she did really care for me, love me, miss me, and want to try again.  However I think it’s because she can’t handle the idea of someone else making me happy.  Just like she had a hard time with her ex being happy without her and with someone else.

I have to say though, she does know how to tug at my heart strings.  It is very hard not to want to keep a line open to her.  I know that I can’t though.  I have to let this lie.  It’s everything I can do to not want to though.  But the fact that she is so conflicting in things she says.  Like “I’m alone”, but yet she has a boyfriend.  Having him, no matter how far away means you are not alone, especially if you really are “in love”.  When i was with her, we were apart a majority of the time.  I did feel alone, but I wasn’t alone, she was right there on the other side of the phone whenever i needed.  It makes me wonder if that is just a superficial relationship?  If she is just with him because of whatever reasons besides really being in love with him?  It doesn’t matter though.  What matters is what you all have taught me here.  If that is ever meant to be with her, then we both have to learn and grow on our own and it will happen when its right.  I can’t assume anything she says any kind of meaning.  And I think the biggest thing for me is to not dive back in and be tempted by her.  Getting all gushy mushy and needy again.  I need to keep my distance and be strong.  Love what i do have with my girlfriend now.  And grow with that.  With someone that loves me for me and all my flaws and is willing to work with me on any issues I may have.  Not feel like i’m on eggshells because i’m doing something that she thinks I shouldn’t. or not to her expectations.

It is amazing to me though that she contacted me again.  really it’s kind of irritating.  If she want me to be happy then why can’t she leave me alone?

I’m sorry to keep posting on this thread.  I was done with it until she contacted me…

well, i’m back….  Got an update, and I have to say i feel ashamed of myself…

So, I should of blocked my ex and told her I can’t do this on and off “friends” thing.  Especially since i’m trying to make a life with my girlfriend but I didn’t.  I entertained her.  Her and i would randomly message or kept playing that word game over the last couple weeks.

Well let me back things up a  bit.  In the meantime, in my normal life.  My girlfriend quit her job that had the crazy hours on December 18th.  She started working a part time waitress job on the 27th and has been doing that.  That job will not pay her expenses, but we are working on that together and she did have an interview for a different full time job that should be able to.   Hopefully something will happen there.

We went on our weekend trip together on the 21st.  It was fun, however we did get into another big fight on the first night towards the end of the night.  I don’t understand why we fight so much?  I don’t know if it’s something that I try to trigger subconsciously. Like if I really don’t want to be with her  and I am trying to get her to have “enough”?  or what?  But dang, it seems like we still fight over stupid shit every day.  Even last night we went grocery shopping together.  This was the first time we really did this.  I got irritated at all the garbage shit food she was wanting to get for the kids for snacks and herself.  She is on food stamps now so the cost isn’t anything, in fact we will probably have leftover food money by next month.  It’s just, I’m so used to only getting healthy things to eat.  More protein, less empty carbs and crap.  That irritated me, but when i brought it up she said that my way isn’t always the right way.  UGH, off on a tangent here…  I know i really need to start a new thread with these issues.  I will soon.  Back to my other crap…

So besides that fight, we had a pretty good weekend.  Coming home back to reality sucked.  I thought it was a good weekend and we needed it.  However, it did really make me miss being able to do that kind of thing more often.  I really didn’t miss my Ex.  I did have a couple memories, but nothing like before.  I just miss that life.

So back to current time…

been messaging off and on, nothing “romantic” or anything.  Just “friends” stuff to my ex.  Playing that word game.  entertaining her, trying to see her motivation in contacting me after she said she want’s nothing to do with me… AGAIN..

Well New Years Eve rolls around….

We go to my friends house, watch the football game, then go over to my other friends from there.  We were smart and have arranged a designated driver so we can both drink and ring in the new year together.  Our first new years eve!   Well I really don’t know what happened.  I don’t know if i didn’t eat right or if it was cause of my diabetes, but the alcohol HIT hard!  I didn’t even drink that much.  I’ve drank more than this before in less time.  I was fine, then i was done.  It was like I was hit by a train.  I blacked out and that was it.  I woke up the next morning on my couch.

Come to find out when we got home, I called my girlfriend my ex’s name a couple times and I guess I was crying for her a little bit.  So that triggered some shit in my girlfriend.  She got mad and lost her shit.  She threw a bunch of shit in our bedroom, and then threw my phone… twice!  She made sure it was broken good.  Then after all of that she felt bad and called my work phone to find it.  When she found it, i had a notification from that freaking word game I was playing with my ex!  and of course her user name includes her first name.  So that compounded things.

OH, forgot to tell you the kids were at a friends that night so they were not subjected to this. Thank god!

So back to my soap opera…

She flipped out on me.  I don’t blame her.  I told her that i was confused(which I was)  I said for someone that was DONE with me and told Kristy that I was the one constantly bothering her, someone that said she wishes us happiness and have a good life… Why would she contact me?  I was intrigued and then once we started messaging, it was just curiosity.  Which is all true.  I know I should of left it all alone and just ignored it.  But dang!  Why would someone do this?  I couldn’t stay away.

Well my girlfriend said she doesn’t forgive me, but still believes that we will prevail over this.  So the last time i contacted my ex was the early day on new years eve.  I left that phone at home that night.  She did message me that early evening asking what i was doing, then after i didn’t respond for a couple hours, she messaged again  ” what, are you ignoring me now?!”  Then later that night she sent something in the chat room of that game.  I never answered anything.  some of the last messages in the chat room in that game was ” i guess  we can’t be friends?” and then a day later she started a new game and said “hello” with a wave.  I haven’t responded to anything.   I deleted the game app off of my phone and blocked her on FB and on my phones.  I have to say, this was very hard to do.  I feel like she was actually feeling some remorse for how everything happened.  in one of the last messaged she did send me she told me she was sorry for ever hurting me.  just out of the blue.  I know it wouldn’t ever do any good, but what i would give to be able to just sit with her and talk face to face about everything.  to be done.  To be able to forgive her and myself.  It’s  just baffling to me.  all of it.

It is something  how this time, i just stopped talking to her and she is the one that kept messaging me, trying to get something out of me.  Crazy.

One other development…  My girlfriend found out she was friends on FB with one of my ex’s boyfriends friends.  My girlfriend got a hold of my ex’s boyfriends close friend/brother (she tried to message my ex’s boyfriend, but she is blocked-go figure. )  And told him what has been going on.  My ex’s boyfriends friend was very surprised to hear that my ex and I have been in contact and sounded like he was going to say something to him.  My girlfriend even took pics of our chat room and sent it to him for proof.  But then he backed out at the last minute.  He didn’t want drama with him and his friend.

Through that though, we found out that they have been together for over a year, and that she had moved into his house a while ago.  No real details, just that she is renting it from him while he is working out of state.  Who knows what that means, if all his shit is still there and she is just helping out with cost and living with him, or if she is renting his house from him?   Who knows.  doesn’t matter.  What matters is all the grief she gave me about my girlfriend moving in with me in September, yet she was already living in his house!  Makes sense whenever I asked her if she sold her house or where she is going to live when she does she would just ignore the question. And sometimes get irritated.

Why are women so crazy?  Why did she make  me so crazy?

So long story short here.  She is blocked all around.  It kills me because I do want to talk to her more.  I really think if I kept it light and friendly with her, she would tell me more eventually about what really happened.  But that is not an option.  Not with my girlfriend.

So to continue more drama.  My girlfriend snooped in my work phone.  She looked back several months.  I forgot to delete something I had in there.  Something about that woman i saw once or twice.  The diva chick…  OMG.  So that was more trouble for me now with my girlfriend.

I was caught in more secret shit i have in my past…  But yet still, she wants to push through and work through all of this.  She feels like we are meant to be together and we are just being tested.  I honestly don’t know what to think.  I know I love her.  I don’t know if i’m in love with her or if I was, but all the kid/work/money drama killed that and now I just feel responsible for her and her kids?

I defiantly feel like a POS!  Makes me wonder though, if i do this on purpose trying to get my girlfriend to have enough and leave?  I really don’t know what my deal is.

She told me that regardless of what happens, if we don’t work out, she is not going anywhere until she is back on her feet.  So this is awkward kind of.  Basically if things don’t get better for us, then She will share a room with her son and I will take over her sons room until she can move out on her own.

Right now we are still trying to make it together though.  I have to give it a shot.  I owe us that much.  Now that she is working days and is home at night, we will see if things get better.  If they don’t then we will have to figure out something.  For now though we will push through.

I do have a plan though for either circumstance.   She should get a decent tax return, so we are going to use that to pay off most or all of her credit bills except her car.  She is currently refinancing her car and we are trying to get her cell phone payment lower.  My goal is for her to only have her car payment, car insurance, and cell phone bill to worry about after taxes are all done.  Hopefully she will be working at the new job full time and better wage by then.  Then if is does not work, she can save money and find a place to live and if it does work, we can focus on my debt and financial crap.  If we decide to stay together, then after she is good, we are going to focus on my debt to try to free up extra money.  Money has always been a big stress to me.  I think that was another thing i really liked about “before”.   We shared costs on things.  She spoiled me and i spoiled her.  It was a two way street.  With my girlfriend. I fell like i’ve been the one helping her this entire time.

I’m trying to plan for both scenarios.  So we will see….

All of this being said.  I really don’t know what’s going on with me….  If i purposely didn’t delete things, or left my notifications on so i would get caught in hopes that she would leave, or if i did it for attention?  I have no Idea.  i am only sure of a couple things.

1.  I do love my girlfriend, i just don’t know if I love her the way I should or if i’m clouded because of my past or her kids or money?

2.  I am not missing my ex like i was and this recent communication with her helped me, the fact that she is bitter, but yet done the same thing.  However, I do love her still.  I don’t know how to stop that feeling.  I love her more than my current girlfriend and that kills me.  I wish I didn’t.

3.  I need to make myself happy.  If that means getting my girlfriend on her feet so if we don’t work out, then she can leave then that’s what it is.

4.  I am very confused about my ex and her intentions.  Maybe she does miss me just as a friend or maybe more?  Or maybe she still has guilt and is trying to fix that in her own way?   Who knows.  I really wish she would talk to me straight out and answer my questions i do have, but she won’t.  I don’t know if it’s because of guilt or what.   Questions like that i will never have an answer for.  I am trying to be able to accept that.

5.  What is meant to be will be.  Just like you’ve all said.  If we are meant to be together, then someday it will happen.  Right now I need to focus on what I have and make the best of it.  I do feel like every day is a struggle though.  I am trying to make the best of it.

well, update….

So still have my ex blocked on everything.  Unfortunately my girlfriend never blocked her on her social media and my ex unblocked my girlfriend and read a message she sent to her about leaving us alone.  My ex has issues. I’m really seeing that now.  It’s like she can’t stay away.  I’m guessing she unblocked my girlfriend to see what’s happening in our lives and then that message came thru.

Anyways she responded to my girlfriend with this.

“I blocked him, he blocked me so go be paranoid with someone else and leave me out of your drama.  The last thing you want to do is threaten me or ever contact me again.  Trust me.  You deserve each other.”

I thought that was funny, considering that I blocked her and she kept trying to get a hold of me.

Then my girlfriend responded with this.

“I saw your messages, so don’t act innocent”

Then my ex responded to my girlfriend with this.

“If you saw messages you would see there was no big secret!  if you can’t trust his dumbass that on him.  I’m out trust me- a long ass time ago.  I will never speak to him again.  He’s all yours.  I strongly suggest you lose my number just as I told him.”

again…  WTH?  “I’m out trust me- a long ass time ago?”  but yet she was the one that initiated contact after 3 months and then kept pursing when i stopped.

That woman is so confusing.  The shittiest part of all is that I still f$#%ing have feelings for her.  I hate that so much.  In fact yesterday i couldn’t stop thinking about her.  A big part of me wanted to contact her and apologize for my girlfriend contacting her and starting more shit.  I didn’t though.

I’m doing a lot better today.  Still though… what is wrong with her?  If she was really done, then why not block both my and my girlfriend on every thing she can and never look back?  Why can’t people just say what they really mean and do what they say they are going to do.  I think my ex has told me or my girlfriend that she is “DONE” and there will never be contact again at least a half dozen times.

Well I’m going to go for now.  I will start a new thread soon about my other problems at home.  one thing is my 12 year old told me recently she is unhappy with our living situation.  GREAT!  So we are working through it.  I really wish my girlfriend had a good job and the resources to move out.  We could still try seeing each other, and see how that goes, but right now we are all stuck together and I am afraid things are just going to get worse.

Thanks Valora.  yes my ex has some growing to do.  She is very confusing in things she says and does then contradicts herself…

It’s almost like she doesn’t know what she wants either…

So i did start a new thread about my life at home now with my girlfriend and kids.

“I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life”

feel free to look at that and comment.

thanks everyone.  Still Struggling….  LOL