Hi John,

I’m glad you read some of Brav3’s posts. Did you read enough of them to witness his emotional transformation? When I read them I thought of you. Like you, Brav3 went through a devastating breakup that really shook him and he struggled for many months. During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

You say  The more I dig and look for help, the more I see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s).  It’s kind of depressing. Okay, but John there’s SO MUCH MORE than that to learn from Brav3’s posts. So much more.

Brav3 spells it all out for you in those threads he started. Through his research (Buddhist practices, etc.) he discovered a code a practice that can lead to happiness.

B

How can someone show so much love to someone, then just forget it all.  Kind of like one of his posts talked about him seeing her laughing having a good time, and not even showing any signs of grief or anything.

It’s just because that’s how she was really feeling at the time that she said those things to you. But the problem with feelings is sometimes they change, and meanwhile the other person is usually expecting them not to. That expectation makes it hard for you to understand when they change, even though, as you’ve seen from other posts, it happens quite a lot.

 This is so freaking difficult to understand everything.  and i am the type of person that I have to be able to understand to be at rest.

This might be another lesson that this is trying to teach you. I used to be this way too. I was NOT happy unless I understood why things happened.  I felt like I neeeeeded to know… but through my experience, I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to move on without being able to truly understand. There are some things you are just not ever going to have the answers to and we all need to be able to accept that. So one of the things you might need to learn from this experience is to be able to accept things that you don’t understand and be at rest whether you know why they happened or not. That’s part of letting things go.

 It feels like all we both want is time together, but when we do get that.  We are fighting by the end of the day.  What’s really screwed up is that when we fight, i get depressed and pissed off at myself.  I think, ” Why couldn’t I have stood up for myself like this with my ex?  Why couldn’t of I spoke my mind like this?”  With my ex, i was so afraid to say or do anything to upset her or make waves.  I wish I would have.  I feel like I cheated myself out of being able to say to her what I needed to when i needed to.  What i should have said, instead of harboring everything trying to protect her.

You know… maybe the fact that you were afraid to stand up for yourself with your ex means that she really wasn’t the right one for you. There had to have been a level of discomfort there or you would’ve felt more comfortable with being open… and the fact that you’re able to do that with your current girlfriend could either mean you feel comfort with her in a way that you didn’t with your ex… or maybe you just don’t care whether you lose her or not. Only you can know the answer to that.

Wow!  I never realized that until i just typed it.  I really need to talk to her and tell her that.  No wonder we get in fights.  I think when that happens i finally feel like i’m going to get a break, and i don’t.  Then i get pissed, especially if she gets upset about anything.  Like “How dare you get upset, when i’ve done nothing but take care of your kids all week after week after week.”.

This is a really good realization and I agree that it’d be good to talk to your girlfriend about. I’m sure it’d help her to understand why you get upset and maybe there will be less fights with this understanding.

 I hate saying this, but I need to be happy and if I’m not happy then how can we be happy??  DAMN!  I wonder if this is how my ex felt?  But she just never expressed it to me and was just finished with it all one day?

This is entirely possible. And if your ex wasn’t happy with herself back then and needed something to change, that could be the reason things worked out the way they did.

Brandy, I love what you pointed out from Brav3’s posts:

 During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

I’ve had a similar transformation myself and feel stronger, better, and more “myself” than I ever have in my life, and that has brought so much value with it. I think that’s the whole point of going through experiences like this, and if you don’t learn that lesson, these or similar experiences repeat until you do.  It’s certainly given me a lot of peace when I felt so devastated for much of the year. (My breakup happened at the end of October last year, and I felt a similar connection with my ex that John does with his)

Hi John,

I have not posted on here in a long while but I read your posts and you remind me alot of me. Most people have been where you are.

You have had lots of really good advice on here so the only two things I would add are (and please take these in the positive way I mean them) its not nice to see someone suffer or suffer yourself. I do know how it feeels.

1) nothing will change unless you do. I know its hard and it sucks and its not fair and its painful and your mind seems to bring up the amazing times with your ex just to spite you. But going down that rabbit hole only lead to crying, upset and more grief. Your ex would not want that for you.

You seem to be struggling with the thoughts a is very easy to do. I have been in therapy and have started a low dose of antidepressents. This made my feelings feel less overwhelming and so I could make more of my days. This may help you. Online counselling or face to face may really help you make sense of why this loss has hit you like it has. There is no shame in it, and it may be linked back to your childhood and wanting (but not getting) certain needs/feelings met that your ex met for a while. I think Anita mentioned about your childhood and my therapist has linked my inabilty to let go as to that too. It takes work. Alot of work.

3) you may want to back and change things but the painful thing is you cant. No amount of should, would, could can change that. I fell into this trap too eg if only I did this or that and beat myself up about it. This was partly because I didnt know any better (an negativity is so hard to escape from) but also because i didnt want to live really. I was just existing and pining for someone who didnt want me.  You are the person you are, and shd is the person she is, and those two people no matter how much they loved each other at the time, just arent meant to be right now. But its not all your fault. Saying i wish i could of done that and this, is like being a child and saying i wish i have a phd or i can drive or whatever.. the child is, at its current stage, sinply unable to do those things. Not because the child is bad or rubbish or a failure, but because the child hasnt learnt the skills yet or its not the right time. You are where you are, and that HAS to be okay. I know this as I spent a LONG time wishing things were different and I had done x,y and z. The reality was, i didnt. But thats just life, everyone has regrets.

Also, your ex may still care for you. You cant be in a relationship or sleep with someone without seeing thier soul and you seeing theirs. That connection is always there if you see them. But its painful and not good for you to see them (as right now from your messages, it only hurts). I try and deal with this by thinking mentally “x is dead to me” it sounds harsh but its trying to get my brain to accept I will never speak to him again or see him. The heart hopes. The heart is optimistic but the heart is wrong in this case. You kind of need to get rid of all hope so you can move in. Your ex has moved on. That doesnt take away what you had at all, its just a new chapter for both of you, like Brav3, its a (unwanted) opportunity to grow.

I think faith helps in that you could see it as part of a master plan or whatnot, but im not sure i believe in that. I do believe that we are who we are and are all trying our best and that we can only focus on what we do each day.

Also, your exs life seems amazing on paper ans she is probably happy, but she still has to get up each day, face challenges and good thigs happening and go to bed and do it all again the next day, eg she has the same 24 hours as you and also faces her own challenges. It helped me to see this as it showed me how much i was wasting my time moping and being sad when I could be making a more productive use of my day.

Also, you have made progress from reading your inital posts to now. You really have. Every day is a fight, but you ARE winning.

Dear John:

Back in May I suggested that you were a histrionic person, that is, exaggerating your emotions on this thread and getting a thrill doing so, like an actor performing for an audience and enjoying the performance. I was wrong. I think that  you are quite sincere and have been sincere all along, really feeling what you are feeling and venting here so to feel better, just like you said you were doing all along, venting.

Throughout your thread you were consistent about what happened, no lies; you seem to be an honest, decent person, an asset to your current girlfriend, taking care  of her kids daily, helping her or being willing to help her financially when she takes a less paying job or shift, and as  I am typing  this, you are spending time with her alone in a cabin you rented while having arranged for her kids to be taken care of elsewhere.

You wrote two days ago regarding your ex girlfriend: “Bottom line though is that I miss her tremendously. It’s been killing  me these last couple of days. I really feel like I’m just starting to grieve all over again. I don’t understand how it’s been a year later and to me it feels like yesterday”

Your feelings for your ex girlfriend have been remarkably persistent all through your postings more than six months now, and regardless of you having  an ongoing relationship with your current girlfriend whom you do love.

I don’t think you should fight these feelings for your ex anymore, I don’t think you should hope to not feel this way for her anymore, or to feel this way  for your current girlfriend or for anyone else. I think it is a once  in a lifetime thing. I still think it is a reactivation of an early childhood longing  for another woman, one you no longer remember loving at all, your mother. But that is besides the point.

“very confused-new girlfriend, ex girlfriend. Help me please”- here is  my offer of help: accept what you feel for the ex to remain. It was a once in a lifetime emotional experience. Not going to happen again.

Is life still worth living? I hope so. Take what you can get, a pleasant experience here, a joy there, take what you can get. Keep being  the honest, decent  person that you are, love and be loved in return. But stop comparing, stop expecting, stop struggling. Accept what happened to  not happen again.

If posting here is fueling your hope to feel that way  again, to feel like you felt then, better you don’t post anymore. Grieve instead the death of that hope.

anita

Dear John:

This is my last post to you on this thread. I will be glad to communicate with you on a new thread, if you start one,  on a different topic, that is, not about your ex girlfriend.

The reason I am withdrawing from this thread is because I believe that this thread  is keeping you stuck. It is something  like this: you are standing  in front of a display window of a fancy store.  In the display window there is a glittery, shiny object that you really, really want, but it is so outside your price range, that there is no way for you to buy it. Also, the security measures are so tight, that there is  no  way for you to break into the store and steal the object.

So you stand there outside the display window day after day, week after week, month after month, winter, spring, summer and fall and you say: oh, I want it! I want it! I want  it! I am in pain, I have to have it, got to!

And people reply to you, that is, joining you standing there in front of the display window.

Nothing  good can come out of us all standing in front  of that window. Better move away. If you can’t, well.. I can. This is why  I am moving  away from this thread. Even though I like you, and I will miss communicating with you. I am moving  away.

Before I leave, I will say this: this glittery, shiny object is a Feeling you had with her, maybe  she had  it too. This Feeling was a wonderful feeling, the best there  is. But just like a drug that gave a  wonderful feeling  to the person taking it, day after day, maybe for a few  weeks, it loses its potency over time. A heavy narcotic stops feeling so wonderful, the addict starts taking  it just  so to not feel sick, not because  it feels good.

I figure if  you did resume  a relationship with her, the same feeling may not at all be back, and if it will, if it will at all, it will not last long.  You will finally have that object you longed for and find  out you are  holding nothing  but glitter, slipping through your fingers and  gone.

anita

John, I totally agree with Anita that this thread is keeping you stuck. Commenting here has even drawn me a little backwards in dealing with my feelings for my ex, so I am going to back off on commenting, too, because I agree that it’s hurting more than it’s helping.

I also like the example she used because people really do often do this same kind of pining with material items they think they just HAVE to have to be happy and then once they get them, they find they are happy for a bit and then their feelings level back to their baseline. Think about something you might have done that with in the past and how you felt once you got it and for how long.

It really is just the FEELINGS she gave you that you are after, and I totally believe it’s possible to find that connection with someone else and those feelings in other things. So while you don’t have to give up the hope of feeling like that again at some point, you should give up the desire to find those feelings specifically with your ex. She isn’t the only channel that you can get those feelings through.

I honestly think, instead of venting here, you should consider going back to counseling where you can have an active dialogue with someone in person who can help you figure out what techniques will work for you…. maybe even a counselor who can give some classical conditioning techniques to help retrain your pattern of thought… OR maybe just not talking about it with anyone for a little while might help.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Valora.