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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 373 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  John 58 minutes ago.

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  • #267773

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I’m glad you read some of Brav3’s posts. Did you read enough of them to witness his emotional transformation? When I read them I thought of you. Like you, Brav3 went through a devastating breakup that really shook him and he struggled for many months. During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

    He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

    You say  The more I dig and look for help, the more I see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s).  It’s kind of depressing. Okay, but John there’s SO MUCH MORE than that to learn from Brav3’s posts. So much more.

    Brav3 spells it all out for you in those threads he started. Through his research (Buddhist practices, etc.) he discovered a code a practice that can lead to happiness.

    B

    #267805

    John
    Participant

    Keeping it  simple, you don’t want  to be a dad or a caretaker to young children. You want to have fun with a woman who does not have young  children and who is able to do fun things in weekends with you. When you have a girlfriend  like this, who is of course nice to you, affectionate, then you will forget all about your ex again, just like you did before, don’t  you think?

    You are right.  That’s why i’m waiting to see if when her work schedule changes i feel better and things get better.  Where Im not “grounded” all the time watching her kids and I can do things on my own as well.  Even then it would be easier to find help watching them so we can enjoy ourselves more.

     

    Brandy, I did not read through all of his posts.  I plan on doing that more in depth soon.  been somewhat busy and my laptop at home is a POS.  So i mainly get on here when at work.  I am curious of everything thought and how he did fix himself.

    I do know that i am very stubborn (if you haven’t figured that out. haha).  It is going to take a lot for me to get over me thinking certain things.  And be very hard for me to read a book.  I’ve never been a book reader.  I have a problem of reading fast and not seeing the meaning behind things.  I am willing to do anything though.  I need to be done with this.  I did cry again today 🙁

    #267833

    Valora
    Participant

    How can someone show so much love to someone, then just forget it all.  Kind of like one of his posts talked about him seeing her laughing having a good time, and not even showing any signs of grief or anything.

    It’s just because that’s how she was really feeling at the time that she said those things to you. But the problem with feelings is sometimes they change, and meanwhile the other person is usually expecting them not to. That expectation makes it hard for you to understand when they change, even though, as you’ve seen from other posts, it happens quite a lot.

     This is so freaking difficult to understand everything.  and i am the type of person that I have to be able to understand to be at rest.

    This might be another lesson that this is trying to teach you. I used to be this way too. I was NOT happy unless I understood why things happened.  I felt like I neeeeeded to know… but through my experience, I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to move on without being able to truly understand. There are some things you are just not ever going to have the answers to and we all need to be able to accept that. So one of the things you might need to learn from this experience is to be able to accept things that you don’t understand and be at rest whether you know why they happened or not. That’s part of letting things go.

     It feels like all we both want is time together, but when we do get that.  We are fighting by the end of the day.  What’s really screwed up is that when we fight, i get depressed and pissed off at myself.  I think, ” Why couldn’t I have stood up for myself like this with my ex?  Why couldn’t of I spoke my mind like this?”  With my ex, i was so afraid to say or do anything to upset her or make waves.  I wish I would have.  I feel like I cheated myself out of being able to say to her what I needed to when i needed to.  What i should have said, instead of harboring everything trying to protect her.

    You know… maybe the fact that you were afraid to stand up for yourself with your ex means that she really wasn’t the right one for you. There had to have been a level of discomfort there or you would’ve felt more comfortable with being open… and the fact that you’re able to do that with your current girlfriend could either mean you feel comfort with her in a way that you didn’t with your ex… or maybe you just don’t care whether you lose her or not. Only you can know the answer to that.

    Wow!  I never realized that until i just typed it.  I really need to talk to her and tell her that.  No wonder we get in fights.  I think when that happens i finally feel like i’m going to get a break, and i don’t.  Then i get pissed, especially if she gets upset about anything.  Like “How dare you get upset, when i’ve done nothing but take care of your kids all week after week after week.”.

    This is a really good realization and I agree that it’d be good to talk to your girlfriend about. I’m sure it’d help her to understand why you get upset and maybe there will be less fights with this understanding.

     I hate saying this, but I need to be happy and if I’m not happy then how can we be happy??  DAMN!  I wonder if this is how my ex felt?  But she just never expressed it to me and was just finished with it all one day?

    This is entirely possible. And if your ex wasn’t happy with herself back then and needed something to change, that could be the reason things worked out the way they did.

     

    #267835

    Valora
    Participant

    It is in your words, right there. You need a girlfriend who does not have young children to take care  of and who  has enough money and time to have fun activities with you, trips on weekends and such.

    Keeping it  simple, you don’t want  to be a dad or a caretaker to young children. You want to have fun with a woman who does not have young  children and who is able to do fun things in weekends with you. When you have a girlfriend  like this, who is of course nice to you, affectionate, then you will forget all about your ex again, just like you did before, don’t  you think?

    I totally agree with Anita. It seems like this to me too. This is the sort of relationship that truly seems to make you happy.

    #267837

    Valora
    Participant

    Brandy, I love what you pointed out from Brav3’s posts:

     During those months of struggle he did research and worked on himself and came out a wiser, stronger, better person.

    He says Its only through hardships rather than ease that we gain wisdom. A breakup will make you wiser and you will come out of it as a stronger person. Trust me. Work on yourself.

    I’ve had a similar transformation myself and feel stronger, better, and more “myself” than I ever have in my life, and that has brought so much value with it. I think that’s the whole point of going through experiences like this, and if you don’t learn that lesson, these or similar experiences repeat until you do.  It’s certainly given me a lot of peace when I felt so devastated for much of the year. (My breakup happened at the end of October last year, and I felt a similar connection with my ex that John does with his)

    #267957

    John
    Participant

    I haven’t had a chance to read Brav’s posts yet.  If anything i might print them all out so i can read whenever without using my phone or dealing with a computer.  I could even make notes to try to help me.

    I do know this.  I was planning on taking my girlfriend away for a night or two to the coast for her birthday in a couple weeks.  Guess what, when i started searching for places to stay, it just triggered me big time.  All that kept entering my head was all the times that my ex and I did this.  Our first trip together was only 4 months after we met and  we stayed at a rental house for 3 nights and 4 days.  It was one of the best times of my life.  I’m doing my best to let those thoughts pass.  I’m so afraid that when i do this that instead of focusing on my me and my girlfriend that I will be thinking about all the times my ex and I did this and all the fun we had.  Man this is really hard to just let theses thoughts go.  I’m really trying though… I just needed to vent to someone. thanks

    #268063

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I have not posted on here in a long while but I read your posts and you remind me alot of me. Most people have been where you are.

     

    You have had lots of really good advice on here so the only two things I would add are (and please take these in the positive way I mean them) its not nice to see someone suffer or suffer yourself. I do know how it feeels.

     

    1) nothing will change unless you do. I know its hard and it sucks and its not fair and its painful and your mind seems to bring up the amazing times with your ex just to spite you. But going down that rabbit hole only lead to crying, upset and more grief. Your ex would not want that for you.

     

    You seem to be struggling with the thoughts a is very easy to do. I have been in therapy and have started a low dose of antidepressents. This made my feelings feel less overwhelming and so I could make more of my days. This may help you. Online counselling or face to face may really help you make sense of why this loss has hit you like it has. There is no shame in it, and it may be linked back to your childhood and wanting (but not getting) certain needs/feelings met that your ex met for a while. I think Anita mentioned about your childhood and my therapist has linked my inabilty to let go as to that too. It takes work. Alot of work.

    3) you may want to back and change things but the painful thing is you cant. No amount of should, would, could can change that. I fell into this trap too eg if only I did this or that and beat myself up about it. This was partly because I didnt know any better (an negativity is so hard to escape from) but also because i didnt want to live really. I was just existing and pining for someone who didnt want me.  You are the person you are, and shd is the person she is, and those two people no matter how much they loved each other at the time, just arent meant to be right now. But its not all your fault. Saying i wish i could of done that and this, is like being a child and saying i wish i have a phd or i can drive or whatever.. the child is, at its current stage, sinply unable to do those things. Not because the child is bad or rubbish or a failure, but because the child hasnt learnt the skills yet or its not the right time. You are where you are, and that HAS to be okay. I know this as I spent a LONG time wishing things were different and I had done x,y and z. The reality was, i didnt. But thats just life, everyone has regrets.

     

    Also, your ex may still care for you. You cant be in a relationship or sleep with someone without seeing thier soul and you seeing theirs. That connection is always there if you see them. But its painful and not good for you to see them (as right now from your messages, it only hurts). I try and deal with this by thinking mentally “x is dead to me” it sounds harsh but its trying to get my brain to accept I will never speak to him again or see him. The heart hopes. The heart is optimistic but the heart is wrong in this case. You kind of need to get rid of all hope so you can move in. Your ex has moved on. That doesnt take away what you had at all, its just a new chapter for both of you, like Brav3, its a (unwanted) opportunity to grow.

     

    I think faith helps in that you could see it as part of a master plan or whatnot, but im not sure i believe in that. I do believe that we are who we are and are all trying our best and that we can only focus on what we do each day.

     

    Also, your exs life seems amazing on paper ans she is probably happy, but she still has to get up each day, face challenges and good thigs happening and go to bed and do it all again the next day, eg she has the same 24 hours as you and also faces her own challenges. It helped me to see this as it showed me how much i was wasting my time moping and being sad when I could be making a more productive use of my day.

     

    Also, you have made progress from reading your inital posts to now. You really have. Every day is a fight, but you ARE winning.

     

     

     

     

    #268065

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Also, and this is the last thing.. you think of you and your ex as this magical and wonderful time and it felt so good to be seen and validatee by someone and the hormone rushes and stuff make it wayyy more intense. Probably one of the more intense things/memories in your life. I felt that once too. And it does feel amazing.

     

    BUT life i dont think, is meant to be intense. The intense feelings are good as they show js we can feel, but day to day life isnt that intense (unless jumping out of a plane or other exteme situation where lots of adrenaline/hormones are pumped out). Day to day reality (for me anyway) can be dull. My therapist said about noticing the little things eg a morning sunrise, a good cup of coffee etc. My reaction at that time was: “is that it?!” Like those things are all right and all but i miss the feelings or highs or itensity of your ex- real life is nothing in comparision.

     

    I dont know the answer to that, but i think it could be more about wanting to FEEL and to feel GOOD or at least intense about something as everything else is kinda numb.. is that the same for you?

    Noticing the little things can really help on certain days (tho i am just starting this journey) but also just doing your best to notice the good in the world. Yes it doesnt compare to your ex. It wont. Its different. But if you take the time to smile at drivers, do a nice thing for yourself, do a nice thing for others etc it can help you feel more connected. I appreciate totally it is not on the same level as your ex. But the thing is you may never feel that feeling again that you hd around her, you may meet someone with chemistry and feel similarily, I dont know, which isnt fair i know.

     

    Also i have felt similar feelings to that high you feel around your ex in other situations eg happy situations since. This shows it wasnt just him that gave me feelings like that (although he most clearly did it) other things can too. Although these tend to be shortlived experiences and dont last. Again, i think thats just life.

     

    Sorry this is rambly. I wanted to help you feel better but i am not sure I have. Look after yourself

    #268255

    John
    Participant

    nextstep.  thank you for your input.  A lot of what you said makes perfect sense.  It’s just me being able to drive that through my brain.

    I dont know the answer to that, but i think it could be more about wanting to FEEL and to feel GOOD or at least intense about something as everything else is kinda numb.. is that the same for you?

    Kind of.  of coarse I want to feel good and have that intense feeling.  Who wouldn’t.  Bottom line though is that I miss her tremendously.  It’s been killing me these last couple days.  I really feel like i’m just starting to grieve all over again.  I don’t understand how it’s been a year later, and to me it feels like yesterday.

    I’ve been having so many thoughts come and go.  Been trying to just let them go by or  on a shelf.  It feels like in the last couple weeks i’ve been having to many more triggers than normal.  I don’t know if because in a week is when she supposedly met her new man, or because of xmas and I am reminded of our first xmas together.  We didn’t actually spend xmas together, the weekend before.  But just the thought she put into things for me was  incredible.  Really made me feel special.

    Then, I know Im not supposed to do this, I think about her boyfriend.  What makes him so freaking special?  I will start to think,” I wonder if she flaked or flakes out on him like she had done with me before?”  I wonder if she treats him like he is number one?  I wonder how the hell she could fall so in love with the first guy she met after me?   How can she have just forgotten us and moved on so fast?….   UGH!.   I trying my hardest to let all this shit just pass through my brain.  I really need to find some time to read up on all of BRAV’s posts.  I hope that will help.

    I know i should let those thoughts go and I have no control and will never know answers.  That doesn’t mean that those questions and thought don’t come into my mind though.

    I  hate it.  I hate that i’m still letting her control my life.  Another example is this moon globe thing.  She absolutely loves the moon and I bought her this little globe that would light up on a stand.  She loved it.  Well i was on FB yesterday and guess what popped up for sale, the same type thing, except you could have a silhouette of a picture put on it and a phrase on the backside.  That was awesome.  almost made me cry seeing that.

    I really think that my life now has contributed to a lot  of how I’m feeling.   I think the fact that I have been “grounded” in a sense and am pretty much facing the responsibility of racing a family and supporting my girlfriend and her kids.  (she is quitting her job so she can be home more, which is good.  But unfortunately the next job she got is a considerable pay cut).  I am all for it and supporting her about this decision.  But that means things will get a lot tighter on money.  However she will be home every night and only working 4 days a week.  Which is awesome!  it will remove a lot of stress and resentment for me.

    Then thoughts come in about my ex’s life.  Is she living the time of her life?  Are her dreams of what she has been wanting to do for a few years finally coming true.  All these things that I was waiting for that seemed to plague her, she has now done and is past.   on and off through our relationship, she always said how she hated her workplace anymore, well she found a new job.  She always felt down on herself for how she was kind of a packrat about her bedroom and stuff.  She took care of that.  She had a hard time getting out and doing things with friends.  She does that now too.  And lastly, she hated living at her house.  The place that her and her ex raised her kids.  It was a constant reminder of her past.  Well she recently sold her house, so that is better too.  These were all things that hurt me to see hurt her.  And all I wanted was to help her past that so we could enjoy our life more, with out all the negativity of her past life getting in the way.  Now…  She finally has done that and it feels like i’m living her old life.  How ironic is that?

    When she used to talk to me about these things.  I would tell her, ” I wish I could take all this away, carry all this pain for  you so you could be happy”.  She told me never to wish that because it could happen.  If anything, wish for it all just to go away.  Well I think it did happen.  Because it’s like now, I dwell on my ex and her boyfriend. (she hated her ex-husbands girlfriend she referred to her as the whore), I can’t look at anything without it triggering emotions just like she hated seeing everything around her house and being in it.  It’s crazy.

    I go through these emotions and feelings of despair, hurt, resentment, hope, and lots more.  Then i begin to hate her for what she did, and I hate him for sweeping in and taking my girlfriend away.  Sometimes i think that if she wouldn’t of met him, that we would of had a second real chance at repairing our relationship.

    I know, can’t dwell on the could of, should of, what if things.  Can’t help it when those thoughts run through my brain.  Then i will think, just need to be patient.  I need to wait her relationship with him to fail and then maybe…   I hate that i think those things so freaking much.  I seriously do have a problem.  I really do need to take charge of my own life and quit worrying about the past or the future.

    So….    I decided. I’m going to have a weekend with my girlfriend.  Going to arrange for her kids to be somewhere and get away for a weekend.  We’ve never done that.  All good, got kids taken care of, found a cabin to rent for two nights about an hour away.  So where does my idiotic brain go.  Instantly to the ole memories bank.  Remembered when I took my ex away to the coast, rented a beach house.  It was only about 3-4 months into our relationship.  We had the best time ever.  So many wonderful memories from that weekend.  DAMNIT!…

    How do I have memories like that and just be happy for them without feeling depressed?

    I will read up on Brav’s posts soon.  I’m excited to learn.  I hope i do.

    for now, just going to try to get by day by day…

    #268323

    Valora
    Participant

    I know, can’t dwell on the could of, should of, what if things.  Can’t help it when those thoughts run through my brain.  Then i will think, just need to be patient.  I need to wait her relationship with him to fail and then maybe…   I hate that i think those things so freaking much.  I seriously do have a problem.  I really do need to take charge of my own life and quit worrying about the past or the future.

    John, I really think you should consider going back to counseling with a cognitive behavioral therapist, because it would really help for you to work on retraining your brain. I personally know it’s a struggle and I still struggle sometimes too, but counselors can help you find the tools that will work for you so that you feel better a majority of the time.

    Otherwise, the bottom line pretty much is that we can’t control how long it takes for us to get over someone, but we CAN control our suffering to a degree, and you are definitely suffering far more than you need to be. The questions you keep asking yourself are ones that just can’t be answered, and trust me, my mind wants to go there sometimes with my ex, too, but I’ve learned to redirect my thinking as quickly as I can when that starts because I know it’s a slippery slope. I think once your girlfriend is home more, that will help, too, because you will have a little more freedom, but I think counseling with someone who could really help you to retrain your line of thinking would do you a world of good.

    #268457

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    Back in May I suggested that you were a histrionic person, that is, exaggerating your emotions on this thread and getting a thrill doing so, like an actor performing for an audience and enjoying the performance. I was wrong. I think that  you are quite sincere and have been sincere all along, really feeling what you are feeling and venting here so to feel better, just like you said you were doing all along, venting.

    Throughout your thread you were consistent about what happened, no lies; you seem to be an honest, decent person, an asset to your current girlfriend, taking care  of her kids daily, helping her or being willing to help her financially when she takes a less paying job or shift, and as  I am typing  this, you are spending time with her alone in a cabin you rented while having arranged for her kids to be taken care of elsewhere.

    You wrote two days ago regarding your ex girlfriend: “Bottom line though is that I miss her tremendously. It’s been killing  me these last couple of days. I really feel like I’m just starting to grieve all over again. I don’t understand how it’s been a year later and to me it feels like yesterday”

    Your feelings for your ex girlfriend have been remarkably persistent all through your postings more than six months now, and regardless of you having  an ongoing relationship with your current girlfriend whom you do love.

    I don’t think you should fight these feelings for your ex anymore, I don’t think you should hope to not feel this way for her anymore, or to feel this way  for your current girlfriend or for anyone else. I think it is a once  in a lifetime thing. I still think it is a reactivation of an early childhood longing  for another woman, one you no longer remember loving at all, your mother. But that is besides the point.

    “very confused-new girlfriend, ex girlfriend. Help me please”- here is  my offer of help: accept what you feel for the ex to remain. It was a once in a lifetime emotional experience. Not going to happen again.

    Is life still worth living? I hope so. Take what you can get, a pleasant experience here, a joy there, take what you can get. Keep being  the honest, decent  person that you are, love and be loved in return. But stop comparing, stop expecting, stop struggling. Accept what happened to  not happen again.

    If posting here is fueling your hope to feel that way  again, to feel like you felt then, better you don’t post anymore. Grieve instead the death of that hope.

    anita

     

    #268785

    John
    Participant

    thanks anita for seeing that i wasn’t exaggerating or looking for attention.  My feelings are 100% real. they hurt and i’m in anguish more than not.

    Accept what happened to  not happen again.

    I am trying to do so.  I’m trying to be happy for what i did have for the time i did.  It is very hard developing a new relationship with knowing that those feelings are possible and can exist between two people.  Very hard to not want to purse something if they are not as intense as before.

    I will try though.  I’m going to see my relationship through and if nothing improves in my heart in a few months then i will have to end this and learn to heal more before i can try again.  I feel so pathetic, because as i type this, i still have that freaking hope.  That hope that someday, some how…  I’ve even thought about him and her getting married and down the road that not working and then somehow, we meet again.  It’s stupid. unrealistic.  a fantasy.  I know that.  I’m so hopelessly in love with that woman that I feel i can’t ever dismiss the thought of us never happening again.  That in itself causes me to be miserable and not enjoy my life now.  I do hope i can get better.  This is no way to live.

    #268833

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    This is my last post to you on this thread. I will be glad to communicate with you on a new thread, if you start one,  on a different topic, that is, not about your ex girlfriend.

    The reason I am withdrawing from this thread is because I believe that this thread  is keeping you stuck. It is something  like this: you are standing  in front of a display window of a fancy store.  In the display window there is a glittery, shiny object that you really, really want, but it is so outside your price range, that there is no way for you to buy it. Also, the security measures are so tight, that there is  no  way for you to break into the store and steal the object.

    So you stand there outside the display window day after day, week after week, month after month, winter, spring, summer and fall and you say: oh, I want it! I want it! I want  it! I am in pain, I have to have it, got to!

    And people reply to you, that is, joining you standing there in front of the display window.

    Nothing  good can come out of us all standing in front  of that window. Better move away. If you can’t, well.. I can. This is why  I am moving  away from this thread. Even though I like you, and I will miss communicating with you. I am moving  away.

    Before I leave, I will say this: this glittery, shiny object is a Feeling you had with her, maybe  she had  it too. This Feeling was a wonderful feeling, the best there  is. But just like a drug that gave a  wonderful feeling  to the person taking it, day after day, maybe for a few  weeks, it loses its potency over time. A heavy narcotic stops feeling so wonderful, the addict starts taking  it just  so to not feel sick, not because  it feels good.

    I figure if  you did resume  a relationship with her, the same feeling may not at all be back, and if it will, if it will at all, it will not last long.  You will finally have that object you longed for and find  out you are  holding nothing  but glitter, slipping through your fingers and  gone.

    anita

    #268839

    John
    Participant

    Anita, i understand.  thank you for all you have done and said.

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