Menu

very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

HomeForumsRelationshipsvery confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

New Reply

This topic contains 378 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 5 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 346 through 360 (of 379 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #248663

    Valora
    Participant

    Valora, i’ve been doing pretty good at redirecting.  Last night was difficult though.  I was trying to go to sleep and my mind was racing.  I got up and cleaned for a little bit.  That helped some.  I’m feeling better today though.

    Well that’s good! I think you just have to kind of expect and accept the periods of sadness once in a while and just let those come and go as best you can too and don’t let yourself fall into a hole with it. The fact that you’re feeling better today says a lot, I think, as far as improvement/progress goes.  Just keep on redirecting those thought patterns and eventually they will space even farther apart… and with the holidays coming up, try not to reminisce or romanticize what it would be like with your ex (because you really only had ONE holiday season with her) and just enjoy the season with and appreciate the girlfriend you do have instead.

    #248685

    John
    Participant

    Oh maybe.  I see your point there.  Now that you mention that there was someone that i did briefly date that did well for herself.  was very active (did things/trips on weekends) and her child was 17.  When i was talking to her, all thoughts of my ex faded out very fast, I got that excitement i did have with my ex when she would text or whatever.  She even dressed up similar to my ex.  I only went out with her a couple times, we did text a lot though.

    gives me something to think about i guess…

    #248687

    John
    Participant

    Or is it that that’s the type of woman I’m really attracted to because of my issues?

    #248691

    John
    Participant

    One thing I’ve noticed. Good and bad is that my girlfriend seems to have the same insecurity issues I did with my ex.

    The good is that her being that way with me really makes me see the type of person I was. The bad is that it is u attractive. That feeling of always being questioned about anything I do or don’t say. It does put a strain on the relationship. And then the good/bad combo. Isthat seeing that strain on us really makes me realize that if that was the problem that it does make sense why she wanted a break and then did leave me and that if this continues. I don’t know if this relationship might end up the same but by my choice. The universe is very screwed up. That’s for sure.

    But one good thing is that my girlfriend and I do talk about this stuff whereas my ex and I didn’t. I was just left assuming and she wouldn’t tell me what we both needed her to.

    #248703

    Valora
    Participant

    Insecurity is definitely unattractive, but, to be fair, your girlfriend has good reason to be insecure in your relationship. You have been putting another girl ahead of her in your mind for most of the time you’ve been together, right? And I’m pretty sure she knows that if your ex came back, you’d drop her and go back to the ex. That’s definitely enough to make anyone insecure. It’s good you can see how your insecurity might’ve affected your relationship with your ex though, too, so you can at least take that lesson from it.

    #251405

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    You wrote to  me: “Now  that you mention that there was  someone that I did briefly date that  did well for  herself. was very active (did things/trips on weekends) and her child was 17. When I was talking to her, all thoughts of my ex faded out very fast, I got that excitement I did  have  with  my ex when she would text  or whatever… gives me  something to think about”.

    Well, this very post I quoted here gives me something to think about. You want that feeling back, well, this is your best bet to get that feeling  back: once you are  single (no longer in a relationship with your current girlfriend), place a  profile on a  dating  site stating  clearly  that you are  looking  for a woman who has no children or no minor age children, a  woman who is very active, does  things, takes trips on weekends and  is interested in  continuing this activity while in a relationship.

    That  would be a start, stating  what you  need in a dating  profile, then getting responses and before getting deeply involved with any  woman (as you have with your current girlfriend, unfortunately), make  sure the woman is  indeed compatible  with what you stated in your profile.

    anita

     

    #260363

    John
    Participant

    anitia, i agree.  I really think my current situation is harder for me to deal with because of her work schedule and such.  We are waiting to hear back from a career prospect for her, if that happens she will be on the same work schedule as me, freeing up more time for us and not me feeling like I’m raising her kids on my own.  I do love her.  I think that all these little things are blocking feelings and causing resentment.  So i’m going to hold out and see what happens.  If all changes and i’m still feeling this way, then we will go separate ways and i think i will try just being alone for a little while to get my shit together.  Then if/when i do start dating again.  Look for my ideal partner, not someone that i think we have some things in common so why not…

    #260423

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    Your current  relationship is not what you need and it is not working for you. You need to be out and about, to have fun,  but what you have instead is being a nanny.  So yes,  your practical thinking makes good sense  to me, just as you expressed it in your post of less than an hour ago, good planning on your part.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #266501

    John
    Participant

    Today is a bad day.  I’m working on letting my thoughts go as fast as they come into my head.  I wish I would of never started talking to her again.  I was doing so well before then.  It’s all I can do not to want to contact her.  I know that’s the worst thing I could ever do.  Just hurting a bit today.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rougher than normal until the holidays are over.

    My freaking brain thought, I could send her a xmas card or a Merry Xmas message.  What the hell am i thinking.  That would just start all this pain all over again.  This is so difficult sometimes.  It’s very hard to tell myself that it is over.  Even knowing all the facts and the main fact that she is in a happy relationship with someone for almost a year now.  I think a big part of my problem is I fall backwards and think why wasn’t i worth the effort, especially after how patient I was with all of her baggage and issues she had and how much I waited for her to be better.  Or I think that this guy is just a comfort guy and she can’t feel towards him like she did me.   I know, i’m a little retarded for even going there.  Just thoughts that run through my head.  I am doing my best and letting them go.  Gosh though, sometimes it really tugs at my heart bad.  I’m sure as more time goes on i will get better.

    I was thinking about it.  When we stopped talking after we first broke up.  It was 3 months or so with no contact.  then i had steady off and on contact with her,  keeping my hopes there and emotions there also for 6 months.  It has now been only about 2 months without contact with her.  So in a way i guess i’ve been starting all over, grieving all over again.  Maybe in another few months i will be a lot better.  Dang it still hurts though.  I really do miss her.  when i get like this, i feel like i would give anything just for a chance to make her laugh and smile again and hear and see it.

    Man.   I can’t express all these feelings rushing through.  I’m pushing through it.  putting them on a shelf.  Hopefully they stay there..

    Thanks for listening again.

    #267063

    John
    Participant

    was sad this am.  had a relapse of when i was with her.  I was waiting for my phone to go off with her texting me like when we were together.  How weird is that.  It is something how these emotions and thoughts come and go.  I don’t know if i will ever really fully understand why i’m like this.  It sucks though.  some days it’s hard to push through.  It’s hard to not think about her and what we had.  It’s so confusing to me how one person could make me feel so happy all the time.  How one text from her just saying I Love You would make my whole day.

    #267083

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    Sorry you’re struggling today. There’s another thread called Struggling to accept breakup & future where a member named “X” shared the below post. By clicking on the link you’ll be able to follow member Brav3’s journey and transformation following a devastating breakup. Start with Brav3’s first post and then make your way up the list to his last. A lot of good stuff here, John! Thank you, X!

    I would like to share with you a few posts by and with a member from over a year ago. He went through similar things (it does help to know that others have been through it, doesn’t it?), discovered some things and even posted his suggestions in a separate thread. Something tells me you might find all of the useful. There is a lot on the grief process and SELF-LOVE and BEING WHOLE ON ONE’S OWN.

    Here is his profile page with topics started: https://tinybuddha.com/members/brav3/topics/

    B

    #267093

    Brandy
    Participant

    John – To clarify, start with Brav3’s “first” post meaning his earliest which appears at the bottom of his list of posts. -B

    #267195

    Valora
    Participant

    Those posts that Brandy and “X” shared really is great advice, especially that last one there at the top.

    John, have you thought about doing counseling again? Maybe with a different counselor than you tried last time? I can’t remember if you said you were going again or not. You are definitely still ruminating on her almost daily, it seems, and you’re also still telling yourself things are hard that are really only hard because you keep telling yourself is hard… and I can say that because I’ve been through it too. My ex just contacted me randomly on Thanksgiving to say Happy Thanksgiving and that he thought of me. He didn’t even tell me Happy Birthday earlier this year. haha. I could’ve started overthinking/analyzing and let that put me into a spiral of “why did he bother contacting me? what is he thinking? blah blah,” but you just kind of have to not let yourself read into things like that because it really doesn’t matter if it’s not an “I miss you and want to talk about getting back together.”

    Definitely DON’T contact her at all until you are completely over things. Otherwise, you really are likely to set yourself back, just like you said. It’s really important to keep resetting your focus on your current life at the moment, which she is not a part of. You will hurt a lot less when you do that, so you just have to make the decision to do it and be strong and determined about it.  I thought the month of October was going to be rougher than normal because that was the 1-year anniversary of when we broke up, but, thankfully, I made the decision early on in the month to just let go and focus on the now, and the whole rest of the month went really smoothly. Your holidays can go smoothly too, but you have to make the decision and then be strong about sticking to it.

    #267707

    John
    Participant

    Well, i read some of Brav’s posts.  Very good reads.  I can relate to him in so many ways.  Refreshing but also sucks in a weird way.  Sucks that it feels like the more I dig and look for help, the more i see that there are more people that are like that (the ex’s)  It’s kind of depressing.

    How can someone show so much love to someone, then just forget it all.  Kind of like one of his posts talked about him seeing her laughing having a good time, and not even showing any signs of grief or anything.

    I have a similar feeling.  With my ex, she told me repeatedly that I was a gift from the heaven.  Constantly told me how grateful she was and how much she loved me and that where was I her whole life, then she is done.  Just like that.  Flipped the switch and see ya, have  a good life!  It hurts so bad to know that people are like that.  That someone can’t fight for someone they do love or at least someone that they showed that to.

    Maybe she was manipulating me too?  Maybe she was using me as her security blanket, her trash can to dump all her baggage into?  Then when it became too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore and started to fall apart, she took the garbage out and never looked back instead of sorting it out with me?

    This is so freaking difficult to understand everything.  and i am the type of person that I have to be able to understand to be at rest.

    So a little about me lately.  I went to my daughters winter concert last night.  The same one from last year I talked about that my ex was supposed to go with me to.  This year was a little easier.  I wasn’t crying the whole time like last year.  So that was good.  However, i was sitting next to an empty chair again because I bought a ticket for my girlfriend and of course she was working.  That did tug at my heart some and also brought back memories of last year.  Last year, i was sitting alone with an empty chair and there was a married couple sitting on one side of me.  I was so distracted my them.  just the way she would hold his hand, you could tell she loved him with all her heart.  That was devastating at that time for me.  This year, again  another married couple.  It wasn’t as hard though and the concert felt like it went by fast, whereas last year it felt like an eternity.  The drive home was a little difficult.  my brain was bringing up the past and i was trying to just let it go as soon as it came in, but it was sticking with me.  same with this morning.  That’s why i’m posting on here today.

    So back to my life.  We all went to the snow this last weekend to get a tree, and play with family and friends.  All was good.  But, somehow my girlfriend and I ended up in another fight by  the time we went to bed.  I don’t understand this.  It feels like all we both want is time together, but when we do get that.  We are fighting by the end of the day.  What’s really screwed up is that when we fight, i get depressed and pissed off at myself.  I think, ” Why couldn’t I have stood up for myself like this with my ex?  Why couldn’t of I spoke my mind like this?”  With my ex, i was so afraid to say or do anything to upset her or make waves.  I wish I would have.  I feel like I cheated myself out of being able to say to her what I needed to when i needed to.  What i should have said, instead of harboring everything trying to protect her.

    back to my girlfriend.  I think the reason we do fight is that i have made her insecure with my behavior.  Which i deeply regret.  So she gets jealous or something of when i show interest with my friends or family, if I “come alive” around my friends as she said.  And i think because of our situation(her work and me being a full time single dad to her kids) that I end up resentful.  Like when we do get time together, i’m done… I’m done being a dad to all the kids, i just want to play and do me.

    Wow!  I never realized that until i just typed it.  I really need to talk to her and tell her that.  No wonder we get in fights.  I think when that happens i finally feel like i’m going to get a break, and i don’t.  Then i get pissed, especially if she gets upset about anything.  Like “How dare you get upset, when i’ve done nothing but take care of your kids all week after week after week.”.

    Looks like i have a lot more to work on.

    Good news is we think she may have landed a job with normal hours, so i won’t feel so “burdened”.

    I do know this.  If things have not improved by spring.  (I’m really trying to give it a chance), then I will talk to her and we will go separate ways.  I hate saying this, but I need to be happy and if I’m not happy then how can we be happy??  DAMN!  I wonder if this is how my ex felt?  But she just never expressed it to me and was just finished with it all one day?

    WOW.  Well on that note, i’m going to get back to work.  I can’t wait for the holidays to be over.  very tough this year…  thanks again for being my ears and friends.

    #267735

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    About a week ago, on this page of your thread, you wrote that you met a woman (not your current girlfriend) sometime after the ending of the relationship with your ex and  you forgot all about your ex. You wrote: “there was someone that I did briefly date that did well for herself. was very active (did  things/ trips on weekend) and her child was 17… When I was talking to her, all thoughts  of my ex faded out very fast,  I got that excitement I did have  with my  ex… I only went out with her a couple times”-

    It is in your words, right there. You need a girlfriend who does not have young children to take care  of and who  has enough money and time to have fun activities with you, trips on weekends and such.

    In the past I went deep into your childhood and your attachment  to your  mother  having  been activated, but keeping it simple at this  point, simply stated, you want  to have fun.

    You don’t want the following: “me being a full time single dad to  her kids.. I end up resentful. Like when we do get time together,  I’m done.. I’m done being a dad to all the kids, I just want to  play and do me”.

    Keeping it  simple, you don’t want  to be a dad or a caretaker to young children. You want to have fun with a woman who does not have young  children and who is able to do fun things in weekends with you. When you have a girlfriend  like this, who is of course nice to you, affectionate, then you will forget all about your ex again, just like you did before, don’t  you think?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 346 through 360 (of 379 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.