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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 378 replies, has 16 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 5 hours, 15 minutes ago.

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  • #238635

    John
    Participant

    . I kind of think it’s silly she considers that betraying her trust anyway.

    she was a little funny that way.  Basically what was the final straw or her excuse was that I copied and pasted a text she had sent to me, and I accidentally sent it to back to her by mistake.  She is very private and isn’t one to “parade” her feelings, ect..  Anything said or done was special, just between us.  So the idea of me sharing that text, especially with her friend “talking behind her back”  Felt like a huge betrayal to her, and that I lied to her about it, then also lied to her about how i felt.  I never told her how i really felt about things when they went south.  I always told her, it was okay and I understand.  Which was a lie.  It wasn’t and I didn’t.

    She has a really big issue with lying.  She told me from the beginning about that.  So in a way i was lying to her for a little while.

     

    I’m not sure she’d be worth having back anyway because there’s a certain lack of understanding there, especially since she’s the one who betrayed your trust to begin with

    this speaks volumes to me.  Weather or not she did cheat on me.  I still feel like she lied to me and betrayed my trust.  I trusted her with my heart.  I trusted that she would be upfront and honest with me about things.  Instead of not saying anything until she had had enough.  I guess we are both kind of guilty of some of the same things, the difference is that I was willing to do whatever it took to push through that hard time.  For her, it got rough and she bailed.  That really hurt.  Someone that had told me she would always protect my heart. Even promised it.  Then when my heart was on the line.  She left.  To me, that is someone that feels guilty about something.  whatever it may have been.

    Thanks again.  I had a decent night last night btw.  I did have some reoccurring thoughts, but i tried to stay busy cleaning and stuff.   I was even able to get 6 hours of sleep!!

    Got to get to work.  I’m sure i will be back  on here later.

    #238651

    Valora
    Participant

    she was a little funny that way.  Basically what was the final straw or her excuse was that I copied and pasted a text she had sent to me, and I accidentally sent it to back to her by mistake.  She is very private and isn’t one to “parade” her feelings, ect..  Anything said or done was special, just between us.  So the idea of me sharing that text, especially with her friend “talking behind her back”  Felt like a huge betrayal to her, and that I lied to her about it, then also lied to her about how i felt.  I never told her how i really felt about things when they went south.  I always told her, it was okay and I understand.  Which was a lie.  It wasn’t and I didn’t.

    She has a really big issue with lying.  She told me from the beginning about that.  So in a way i was lying to her for a little while.

    Here’s the thing, though. I’m that way too. The difference is that I understand that people need comfort, and you seeking that comfort and answers with someone you know SHE trusts was better than you just venting that text to whoever or even one of your friends or someone she doesn’t necessarily like. I just think it’s possible she blew that out of proportion to ease her own guilt over what she did to you, making it seem like now you’ve done something to her so she can feel better about what she did. You know?  Trying to cover it up with a lie was definitely the wrong move, but still not so big a deal that it can’t be forgiven. You just kind of have to look at the big picture of the situation and see it for what it is, including everyone’s emotions at the time. Heartbreak can make people do some uncharacteristic things and I feel like that should be understandable, at least to a point.  It would be different if you did that every time you guys had a fight (while you were together), just blabbing private information to whomever, but in this case, she had just seemingly flipped her feelings and blindsided you with a breakup. That’s different.

     I still feel like she lied to me and betrayed my trust.  I trusted her with my heart.  I trusted that she would be upfront and honest with me about things.

    Yep, she absolutely did betray your trust. You were under the impression that you guys would be together for the long haul, right? She broke promises she made to you. That alone would be enough to cause her to feel guilty. On top of that, she basically made the decision to end things without even discussing it with you, which creates a lack of trust in that, if you got back together in the future, you would wonder if she would just do it again and you’d be left blindsided… again. She also seemingly allowed herself to start an emotional relationship with someone else while she was with you. Huge breach of trust.  It’s really a case where, if you guys are ever meant to get back together, SHE needs to do the leg work and earn YOUR trust back… not the other way around. Meanwhile, that’s yet another great reason to let the past go and let yourself move forward without an eye on the past, because, if she did come back, you’d be strong enough and detached enough to make sure she had to earn your trust back rather than just accepting her right back with open arms before proving to you that she’s changed. Without clear change in both of you, the same will just happen again, so you have to make sure that change is there.

     

    #239889

    John
    Participant

    thanks Valora, you have so many valid points.  It really helps me to see another perspective on this.  In so many ways, it would be nice to be with her again, but until both of us take care of our own issues, it would end up badly.  I can see that now.  Thank you.

    I am really working on letting her go.  I think i’ve kept telling myself “someday we will be together”.  I’m trying to tell myself now that we won’t.  That she is gone and what we had is gone.  It’s very hard not wanting that again with her though.

    #239941

    Valora
    Participant

    You’re welcome! I’m happy to help!

    I want you to notice, though, that you’re still telling yourself it’s “very hard.”  That’s one thing that’s keeping you stuck too. You have to give yourself time and it’ll get easier but not if you keep telling yourself it’s hard.

    #240021

    John
    Participant

    well.  Last night was a little rough.  I really need my girlfriend to find a job with dayshift weekday work schedule like mine.  It’s my week without my kids.  She is working, and I am at home watching her kids again 🙁  I just wanted to get away for a bit.  Go hang with friends at the bar, or something.  Instead, i’m home doing homework with kids, cooking, cleaning, helping them, getting them ready for bed and school the next day.

    It’s nights like last night that does make it hard for me.  That I really miss what I had with my ex.  I would of went down to see her normally usually once a week night every two weeks.  And last night would of been that night.  I do miss that.  I almost miss just getting out and away from my house and life here and there more than missing her?, I think?? don’t know…

    So, in my depression and whatnot.  I was bad, got on FB and searched her name.  I didn’t expect anything to show up because she had blocked me last time we messaged and told me pretty much to leave her alone, ect…  However, I had this weird feeling in my gut.  I can’t explain it.  But something that made me question it and search.

    anyways, wouldn’t you know it, she unblocked me.  We are not friends on FB, so I can’t see any new posts or pics or anything since she unfriended me after we broke up.

    I didn’t try messaging her or anything.  I had a moment of weakness and searched her, that was it.

    It did make me question though…  Why would she unblock me?  If you are done with someone, and they are blocked, then why go through the trouble of unblocking them??  Very confusing.  I asked my friend.  She told  me that she thinks that my ex likes to mess with me.  To keep me just a little bit there in a way.  To reel me in and then push me away.

    I agreed to a point, but then also have to wonder if she does miss me and searched my name and just wanted to see pics?

    Then i thought… SEE!  This is what started to mess everything up in my head in the first place!  Anytime she did anything, I started to overthink every little thing and assume shit.  Instead of just thinking she did what she did for reasons i don’t know.

    I do want to contact her again, but I know that it would just make things worse for me.  So i’m not going to.  I do have a journal on my phone that i’ve been writing in occasionally when i do want to contact her.  That does help a lot too.

    It is funny about how we had talked about the addiction and motivation when it comes to this.  As soon as I saw that she had unblocked me, I got all amped up.  Motivated, happy, ect…   It’s freaking stupid how that works.  How the mind works.  I then decided.  I’m just going to keep on keeping on.  I’m determined to get back into the person I was.  The person that used to do crap all the time, share it on FB with my friends, ect…  Be happy and proud of who i am and what i do.  That’s who I used to be.  happy go lucky, goofy, having fun with whatever.  Sharing my life with the world.  I used to love that.  Who knows, if I force my self to do some of those things, maybe it will make me happier…

    #240031

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    A big enough part  of your depression is that you are sick and tired being at home watching her kids, “doing homework with kids, cooking, cleaning,  helping them, getting them ready for bed and school the next day”. How often, after all,  does one hear of depressed mothers being stuck at home? A whole lot. So you are in that same  boat.

    You then miss your ex girlfriend because  you didn’t watch her kids, when you saw her the two  of you were out and about having fun, she had enough money you wrote some time ago, to afford fun vacations, so no wonder you miss that time!

    Well, this part of your depression, there is something you can do about it- quit your unpaid job taking care of her kids, see to  it that she  gets a different  shift at  work very, very soon or give her a notice otherwise, like an employee would give an employer, a certain amount of time for her to find a different arrangement for her children. I wish them well, her children that is, but I also wish you well and being a nanny ain’t working for you.

    anita

    #240037

    Valora
    Participant

    I toooootally agree with Anita. You should not be responsible for taking care of her kids. They are HER kids, and if she is too low income to be able to pay for child care, she should look into state funding for that sort of thing. That’s why it’s there. I cannot imagine sticking my boyfriend with dad duties when he is a boyfriend and not a STEPDAD.  You two are not married, so you have no obligation to take on those sorts of duties, and if it is making you miserable and leaving you with no time for self-care or to be with friends and relax, then I agree with Anita and say you shouldn’t do it.  Or maybe even just do it less. See if she can get state help to get them in daycare or to a babysitter more of the time so that you don’t have all of that responsibility.

    Then i thought… SEE!  This is what started to mess everything up in my head in the first place!  Anytime she did anything, I started to overthink every little thing and assume shit.  Instead of just thinking she did what she did for reasons i don’t know.

    You’re starting to catch yourself! That is a great sign and that’s how you heal and let go. As soon as you catch yourself starting to overthink things or wonder about things you couldn’t possibly figure out the true answer to, you just say “whoa, wait, I’m overthinking again” and then focus on something else.  It doesn’t matter what your ex does or why she does the things she does because none of that stuff is going to get you two back together. The ONLY thing that will matter is if she messages you saying “I made a mistake…” or whatever and you go from there, but no matter what, overthinking and over analyzing will only drive you crazy.

    You ARE still letting yourself ruminate on the things you miss about your ex, though, so that’s something you’ll want to work on, too. Same thing “whoa, I’m ruminating again, better focus on something else for a bit.”  Eventually you’ll just stop doing those things or definitely not nearly as often. She’ll just kind of pop into your mind here and there and then the thoughts will flow peacefully back out, and that’s what you’re aiming for here.

     

    #240107

    John
    Participant

    You should not be responsible for taking care of her kids.

    yes I agree and she feels the same way.  Just kind of worked out this way.  She is in that bracket where she makes too much for assistance for daycare and the hours she would need are stupid.  from 4PM until 3-4AM Sunday thru Thursday.  Her work screwed her on her schedule.  Neither of us foresaw this happening.  She is still trying to find a dayshift job so she can be at home when she can.  It breaks her heart every night she works.  She knows that I can’t do this forever too.  If nothing changes by the beginning of the year, i may have to end things.  I do know that.

    You ARE still letting yourself ruminate on the things you miss about your ex, though, so that’s something you’ll want to work on, too.

    I agree.  It is difficult sometimes.  I still get those damn glimmers of hope.  I do keep telling myself that that past is over.  That what we had was amazing, but it is done, she is done and has moved on with another man whom she may or may not be with for the rest of her life.  And that I need to do the same…  I  hate it that I’m such a romantic though.  I still get that feeling.” she does still love me, she just can’t do it right now” which she may, but she is done now.  I can’t sit and hope and wait.  I need to move on and do for me…

    #248557

    John
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Well. I had a pretty good weekend. Became a grandpa on Friday. Cute little man!</p>
    had a pretty good weekend with my girlfriend although we did get in a pretty bad fight Friday night. We made up Saturday morning.

    Today was the only day I really thought about my ex. I did each other day. But not for very long.

    im defiantly missing her today though. This time of year is so hard. It’s hard not to wish that I could go back. I know that I can’t and that it may have not changed things. Just tough. Especially seeing commercials about true love and jewelry. She loved her jewelry. There are still so many little things that draw me in and it’s hard to move past it

    It really hurts today though. I’m really working on trying to let those memories and thoughts pass through.  Very  hard though.   I just want to hold her. To see her smile at me. Even just here her voice.  It’s killing me. I hope that I can get through today feeling better.

    #248573

    John
    Participant

    Ugh. I fell down the rabbit hole.

    I need help. I can’t stop thinking. I’m trying to think of other stuff. But my thoughts keep going back to the question…

    what happened that weekend that made her come back a different woman?

    I know it doesn’t matter. It’s just killing me. God I hope I can get past this all together someday. There are more good days lately. But nights like tonight really take a toll. So many questions run through my head when I start thinking about it. One of the bigger ones is that she kept telling me after we broke up she has no regrets. Why in the world would someone say that?  My freaking brain goes into overdrive like she did do something but doesn’t regret doing it. Holy cow! I need to turn this off.

    I don’t understand how it takes over and consumes me like this. I hate it so much. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow. But right now…   this sucks.

    Thanks for listening to me rant again.

    #248575

    Valora
    Participant

    You just have to stop doing this to yourself. Read those last two messages you wrote and count how many times you wrote that it’s hard, tough, or it’s killing you in those short messages. I know you’re just venting, but this will show you where you need a mindset change. It’s only that tough if you make it that tough. BUT… you also have to just kind of accept that, even when it gets easier, you’ll still have times like this where you feel sad. My daughter and I watched a movie the other day that made me think about my ex and I got really sad over it, but I just let myself feel the sadness for a few minutes and then pulled myself together and we started watching a different movie and I cheered back up. You just can’t let yourself dwell on it for too long is all.

    What do you think would change if you had all of those questions answered? Do you think it would really make you feel any better than you do now? Chances are, it would just bring up a whole new bunch of questions. If something happened, you would feel worse and even more betrayed, and if nothing happened, you’d most likely still be really confused on why she wanted to break up. You also have to know that sometimes people say things they don’t mean when things are emotional, like right after a breakup. She might’ve just said she had no regrets to try and get you to give her space or move on or she might’ve really meant it and just was really sure about her decision at that time. That also definitely doesn’t mean she did anything wrong. If she did, she would likely regret it unless she is a sociopath, and in that case, I don’t think you’d want her back anyway, right?

    Just remember… when your brain goes into overdrive, overthinking, overanalyzing, you are ALLOWING it to do that, and that it isn’t helping anything. It’s not going to change the past, it won’t give you answers, and it will only make you feel worse, so I think the best thing here is for you to try different things to get you out of that mindset quickly when it starts and keep trying different things until you find the thing that works for you, and then just keep doing that. Maybe read some blogs or books on how to stop overanalyzing. It’s a really common problem and I used to do that too. It’s actually one of the things I had to change about myself. I found the thing that worked for me (which was just catching myself when I do it and then redirecting my thoughts), but you might need a different technique if the redirection isn’t working, so try different things until you find whatever works best for you. I think if you can stop the overthinking about what happened, that will help you more than anything. I know it definitely helped me, for sure.

    #248577

    IpkR09
    Participant

    I understand that people can be in love so see that it messes with their entire being but seeing your posts so often, every now and then….it seems you don’t need a woman in your life, you need a person to take care of you like a nanny or a mother ….

    If it’s love, you would improve as a person with her love… If there is deterioration in your mental state just because you feel you are in love with someone, I think it wasn’t love at all…

    Furthermore, unless you let your mind go to other things, obviously she will be weighing on your mind day in and day out… A grown man like you need not sigh like a teenager over some girl. There should be some level of maturity in how you handle things like make some goals for yourself- in next two months, I would not think of her, in next four months I will forget her existence, further six months down the line, see yourself anew.

     

    Take care

    #248585

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    These are quotes from what you wrote May of this year, over six months ago, regarding the breakup of a one year long distance relationship: “it freaking  sucks… it’s killing me… killing me though… sucks… OMG. This is so hard… sucks… I will never be the same  again… there  is still a hole  in my chest… I am so screwed up… I’m so lost”.

    Six months after, end of November, yesterday, you wrote: “This time of year is so hard. Its’ hard… Just tough… It really hurts today… Very hard though… It’s killing me. I hope that I can get through today feeling better. It’s just killing me. God I hope I can get past this all together someday… this sucks”

    Your expressed distress did  not lessen at all during six months of posting, venting and ranting (two verbs you use to characterize your posting).

    During these six months you’ve been having a relationship with another woman, spending a lot of time with her and her kids, heavily involved in their lives. You have two daughters and a new grandchild. Yet these made no difference in your expressed  distress. At one point, not  long ago you described something  that just  happened in your life and in your home, a long time friend and roommate shot himself, committed suicide in your very home, yet that was a passing event, mentioned and forgotten.

    Nothing has distracted you from your expressed distress  over the breakup of a one year long-distance relationship.

    You shared some  about your childhood, how your mother abandoned you, waiting and waiting for  her to pick you up from school and her not showing up, having moved and gone. You also shared that you currently have a relationship with her and you expressed something between neutrality and disdain for her, currently.

    This is my understanding  at this point, my effort to help you regarding your confusion (“very confused… Help me please”, the title of your thread): I think you are stuck being  that child waiting for his mother. For a child it  is a very traumatic event or events,  to be abandoned by one’s mother, for her to not be there, (or be there in a cruel way to the child). The desire  for a good mother never  goes away for the traumatized child. The lack of  a mother  early on creates an intense hole (“a hole in my chest”, you wrote) and it craves and  craves to  be filled. Your thread is an expression of that craving.

    For a child abandoned by his  mother, nothing else  matters, nothing can distract the  child for  long from that loss. And  nothing  has distracted you so far in the last  six months.

    For a child, a mother  is the most  important  person in the  world,  an entity,  not  a person. For the child, it is not about  who the mother is as a person, it  is her role that matters, being his Mother. And  here, on your thread, you wrote that  you don’t  know what  it is about  her, that you can’t  explain it, and through all these pages, you didn’t describe her much, nothing really other than a few superficial things. It is so because your craving for her is  not about who she is as a person. It  is about  her being your Mother.

    Thing is now you feel  nothing  for your mother, maybe some disdain or disgust.  You forgot, I believe, how you used to feel about her when you were a child, a young child. Here on this thread, page after page, you can read what you wrote, this  is how  you felt about your mother when you were a young child.

    There is nothing  stronger, nothing more  intense and more  enduring than the  craving of a child for a  mother who abandoned the child or  who  turned against the child. That craving  doesn’t  go away. In your case, you express it right her as you have done since May.

    anita

     

    #248647

    John
    Participant

    Valora, i’ve been doing pretty good at redirecting.  Last night was difficult though.  I was trying to go to sleep and my mind was racing.  I got up and cleaned for a little bit.  That helped some.  I’m feeling better today though.

    IPKR09, I have to respectfully disagree.  there was love there.  I believe that is what i felt.  As far as making goals and forgetting her or her existence.  Believe me, i have tried.  I have prayed that the memories of her would be wiped from my brain and heart.

    Anita, if it is a mother attachment i have, then why haven’t i been able to replace that with my current girlfriend.  I’m confused there.

    thanks

    #248653

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  John:

    Well your ex girlfriend triggered that mother attachment, activated it. Something about her, could be the fact that she  was older than you, didn’t  have  young children to attend to and had  money to take you out for  fun, hotel, vacations, fun activities and outings.. unlike your girlfriend who is younger than you (isn’t she?), has young children she attends to every day, and has no money and cannot afford fun activities and outings.

    anita

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