I feel like i’ve tried everything i can to “move on”.  I’ve tried the “mud balls”, i’ve tried taking her off that pedestal and thinking of all the things she did that hurt me and made me feel second.  I think of how it did feel at the end that she judged me and i felt like I had to change who i was.  I try thinking of what I  have now and how much love is there for me, just waiting for me to embrace it.

It feels like no matter what I do, I end up back in this depression.  this wondering.  yes, this fantasy i’m in.  I even think, its not over,  she will come around sooner or later.  I just have to wait and be patient.  Even though I know that that’s all BS.  I still get those thoughts.   I hate myself for that.  I hate that it feels like every little thing I do, see, hear, whatever reminds me of her.

I want to clarify about the pedestal. When I talked of taking her down from there, I didn’t mean to start thinking about the bad things… because that means you’re still thinking about her, and that isn’t going to help you stop. While thinking about those things can help you get her down from there, once you do take her off, you have to do your best to just curb the thoughts. When they come, you have to let them come into your mind and go right back out without any rumination, and then eventually the thoughts become less and less. If you dwell on them and fight your mind and get frustrated every time you think of her, that’s just holding the thoughts there and making them stronger. You have to let them go out right after they come in, like water flowing through a tunnel, without any struggle… just thoughts passing through, no big deal. And you have to be patient with yourself and know that it’s going to take time and know that you are still going to have bad days where you get upset thinking about her, but those days become fewer and far between the more you work on just letting everything pass through and refocus on everything you like about your life now… and by that I’m also not talking about focusing on your current girlfriend and the love she has for you, because your mind isn’t wanting to grasp that because a whole host of other problems have come with that relationship, so that’s not going to work for you. You have to think about OTHER things that you really like.

Actually, I think part of your biggest problem isn’t your ex… it’s that you are not happy with your life the way it is now, so it might be harder to focus on the good because of that. Instead of thinking about your ex not being in your life or how much your girlfriend loves you and being frustrated with not being able to return that love right now, I would maybe try harder to find new things that would make you happy and also fit into your life as it is now. Maybe pick up a hobby that you really enjoy and you can do while watching your girlfriends kids so that time doesn’t seem so tedious.

Kkasxo,

Absolutely. I definitely still have my moments where I feel so sad, but they are much fewer and far between than they were even just a few months ago.  You just have to be gentle with yourself and patient. Keep learning about attachments and read about how to learn to not need them. Your need of them CAN be changed or altered. I don’t think it’s realistic to think that we can ever live completely without attachment (or at least I don’t think I would even want to), but we can definitely improve to the point where we are able to let those attachments go much easier and sort of live without expectations and to not let future attachments develop to the point of addiction. You will get to the place I’m at and we will both get to a place where we are no longer affected by our breakups. Just have to give it some time and do some soul-searching in the process  🙂

I think you’ll find cognitive dissonance interesting, too. I learned about it earlier this year when I was wrestling back and forth about my own feelings on whether to try to talk to him or just leave him alone (because not talking to him didn’t feel right but I also knew we were broken up and that talking to him would only increase my attachment), and that’s when I went looking for what that feeling was and how to handle it. haha. That feeling of back and forth and the discomfort that comes with it WILL go away in time though, so you have that to look forward to.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

Valora, i’m trying to forget those thoughts when they hit.  Honestly it feels like they are coming more and more now though.  I don’t know what’s going on with my head.  I think  i have cried everyday this week.  twice one day.

It’s likely they’re coming more and more because you’re still very heavily focusing on her. You’re constantly thinking about how you reacted or what you did or what you should’ve done or what she did, that you aren’t giving yourself a chance to let the thoughts go because you ruminate on them when they come in.  You are also clearly frustrated with how you’re feeling, which means you’re still fighting the thoughts and you are the one who is allowing it to consume you. You don’t have to do that. You just seriously have to try to relax and let the thoughts go out as soon as they come.  Literally have a self-dialogue of “hey, there’s another one of those thoughts. That’s okay. I’m just going to let that thought go and focus my attention elsewhere” and then start thinking of something else. It is a psychological fact that we can only pay attention to or truly focus on one thing at a time, so if you shift your focus intensely toward something else, an activity, a TV show, a really good book that interests you, etc., every time you think of her, switching to something else, those thoughts WILL slow down, but you can’t fight them either.  Like I said, let them come and go like a stream passing through a tunnel.

How do you let go of those kind of regrets?

You let them go by forgiving yourself, realizing that doing things differently likely would’ve changed nothing, realize this happened because you had an important lesson to learn and moving forward. You cannot change the pass, so regrets serve absolutely no purpose other than to drive you insane. You have to learn to let go. I think it might help you to read some blogs or books or anything on learning HOW to let go until you find something that works for you. We cannot live in the past, and you will never get over this until you can learn how to let the past go.

I am trying to get it in my head that no matter what I did that it wouldn’t of worked.  It is very hard though when I changed into someone else during our relationship.  However, I do think if i would of stood up to her, she may have still felt guilty and such.  Making it to a point where she would want to end things.

Like I said, i will never really know for sure.  It’s just hard to let those thoughts go.  Hard to move on and enjoy life now.  Fridays are the worst.  That’s when i got most excited, cause I was going to see her.  I’m trying to be that way now with my girlfriend cause we only get fridays and saturdays together.

Yeah, I really don’t think you standing up to her would’ve made any difference. Think about it this way… the way you were acting was a reaction to her seemingly backing off, right?  That means she made her decision to change things and back off BEFORE you started acting differently. She was already in the process of making up her mind without talking to you about it, so your opinion or thoughts wouldn’t have changed anything, and, who knows, it might’ve made things even worse.  You may be finding it hard to let it go, but all it really takes is making the decision to let it go, and then it’s easier after that. You might want to ask yourself WHY you don’t want to let it go. Is it possible you are afraid you’ll get over her if you let all of this go and then she’ll come back after you do and you won’t want her anymore?

You also seem to compare your current relationship with your girlfriend with your relationship with your ex a lot, which is not helping because they are two completely different types of relationships (long-distance weekend relationship vs. every day real life), and two completely different people, so it’s comparing apples with oranges, you know?  I think it’d help if you’d get yourself into a situation you ARE happy with, even if you just make improvements to your life outside of your current relationship if you don’t want to leave that right now.  You’ll have an easier time changing your mindset if you focus on YOU rather than your girlfriend or your ex although you still do need to think about your girlfriend too, because you’re with her, but I hope you know what I mean… just find some things you truly enjoy and that improve your life.

Valora, in response to your question. Why don’t I want to let her go.

I think it’s because I’m letting go of everything. It feels like I’m letting go of ever being with her again. Of really saying goodbye. I never really gave it a whole lot of thought. But letting go of her to me means letting go of the best thing I ever had in my life. Letting go of the idea of never  having that again.

See, now I think there’s your problem. That’s not what you’d be letting go of. You need to let go of the past, not the future. You can’t predict the future. There is absolutely no way to tell whether you guys will end up in each other’s lives again or not. You don’t have to let go of hope completely, but you DO need to let go of the past relationship… because that past relationship is over and even a reconciliation won’t be the same. But think about it… do you want that relationship to pick up where it left off? It left off in turmoil. Ideally, if you did get back together at some point in the future, both of you (including her) will have worked on the baggage that was getting in the way of your relationship the last time and you’ll both have changed, so you’ll have to get to know each other again and it will be a NEW relationship. BUT… you  can’t do that if you’re holding onto all of the baggage from the old one, because you would just carry it into the new one and it would create a whole extra layer of issues right away because the past would be brought into the present right off the bat. You really, really have to let all of it go if you want to have and hold onto that kind of love in the future, whether it’s with your ex’s return or if someone new shows up that you like even better.

So my suggestion is to just take our advice on letting go of all of your hurt, resentment, guilt, etc., all of those feelings that are brought on by your last relationship or really any past relationship you’ve ever had. Those feelings aren’t serving you in the present and they won’t in the future either.  Let all of that go, put your ex on a “shelf” of good memories in the back of your mind for now. Don’t expect her to come back but don’t expect her not to, either. Just don’t expect anything and live with the knowledge that if you guys are meant to be, she will come back around when the time is right, and if you’re not, you’ll find someone better… but you aren’t likely to have a good relationship with your ex or anyone else while you’re still holding onto the past, you know?

I think I’m hanging on so tight to what I had with her because I don’t want it to end.

Hanging on tightly to something ends up pushing that something away because it means you’re afraid to lose it. So all that gets you is fear and more fear, which pushes the good away and brings you exactly what you don’t want…. loss and anxiety.  You’d said you felt like you were hanging on too tightly to her when you were together and became anxious and afraid she’d break up with you (and then she did), and now you’re doing the same exact thing to your thoughts of her, which shows that you haven’t really learned that lesson yet. Trust me, even if she does come back, you won’t be able to keep her if you don’t learn the lesson that all of this is trying to teach you. So maybe think about it that way.  Letting go is a good thing and will only serve to help you, no matter how much your mind/ego is trying to tell you otherwise. Not letting go is likely actually keeping you from the best thing you will ever have in your life. And you’re not letting go of the love you want or even any potential in the future… you’re letting go of the past. But don’t let any potential in the future rule your life now, either. You really do have to go with the flow and be okay with either outcome, whether you get back together later or not, you have to know you’ll be okay.

There was  a quote in my studies tonight that applies here: “Nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is while you’re thinking about it. So, nothing will ever make you as happy as you think it will.”  — Nobel leaureate psychologist, Daniel Kahneman.  Just something to think about.

I want to be healthy. Eat better. Lose wieght. And quit smoking. But whenever I start to do those things I get depressed.  I think about how I was a hypocrite with her because I was always trying to help her with her things. Being healthy and losing weight and I said I would do it to and never did. It’s like no matter what I do it brings me back to her.

I say that you go ahead and try all of those things again, and this time, when you mind starts to tell you that you should feel like a hypocrite, tell your mind to be quiet. This again comes with letting go of the past. It’s not hypocritical to do something later that you said you would do before. It just means you’re holding up your word, it just took you a while… and it’s her fault she’s missing out on it because she’s the one that left.  Also, I’d find something to do when you’re alone watching the kids that keeps your mind occupied. Anything you’re interested in learning?

It sounds like you had a really good weekend, so that’s good! But if you’re really, truly tired of this feeling, you have to let go of the past. You will keep feeling this way until you finally make the decision to do that, once and for all.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

Valora, How did you get so smart?  Seriously.  You have so much good and wise advice.  I really appreciate it.

You make a really good point of letting go of the past.  If i’m understanding this right.  I can let go of what i had with her.  with everything.  But i don’t have to let go of her or still having feelings for her?  I hope that’s what you meant.  That’s what i’m getting from it.  I’m sure I will always love her and letting go of the past doesn’t mean i’m deleting her from my heart?

Thank you!  And yes, exactly. You don’t have to push her out of your heart. I don’t think I could push my ex out of my heart if I tried and I think, if I tried to, that would be going against what my heart wants and would just cause me a ton of grief. You just can’t let yourself continue to ache for her.  Think of it like this…. just make a nice little spot on a shelf in the back of your mind for the memory of your love and leave it there while you move on with your life. If she does come back around, as you guys get to know each other, that love for her will still be there on that shelf and you’ll be able to pull it right back down and let those feelings grow again if that’s what you want… so you don’t have to have that fear of her coming back and you feeling nothing. If it’s meant to be, you will still want it to be.  This is just something that will allow you to move on and be open to other love, but you deeeefinitely don’t have to delete her from your heart.  Frankly, I have a nice little shelf for all of my ex’s in memory, even the ones I’m good friends with now. It’s a different kind of love for them now, but they will always be special to me in their own ways. And that’s totally okay!

  Instead of making myself better for her, or to be the man she wants.  I need to make myself better for me.  To be the man I want to be.

Yesssssss! This is exactly what you need to do. Do it for you.  And then believe it or not, doing things for your own well-being and self-improvement for the sake of your own wants rather than someone else’s will actually attract the things you truly want into your life… which is basically just that feeling you had with your ex. You want all of those feelings back, not the old relationship with the turmoil and issues and maybe not even specifically your ex. You want those feelings she gave you and the good experiences you had. Improve yourself and get to a place where you are truly feeling good, confident, secure, and happy with the life path you’re on, and that’s when you can attract that love and those feelings that you want back into your life, and it may be with your ex or someone new entirely, but you won’t care because whoever it is will give you those feelings that you loved so much AND you’ll know that that person likes the REAL you because you’ll have done the work on yourself and won’t be trying to change yourself for someone else anymore.

This is why it’s so important to just work on yourself and go with the flow… cause think about it… if you have to work to get her back or convince her to come back, you will ALWAYS feel insecure about the connection/relationship…. but if you let her go for now and work on yourself to get to a point where you really love where you’re at and you’re confident and secure in yourself and the direction you want to take your life in and THEN she comes back naturally, then you’ll know it wasn’t because you talked her into giving you another shot… it’ll be because she genuinely was attracted back to you. And you kind of just have to leave the HOW up to God, the universe, fate, whatever you believe and just have faith that it’ll happen on its own if it’s supposed to, but it’s so important that you both do the work to change any issues beforehand or you’ll just have the same problems again.

I need to learn how to be happy with what i have and forget about what i had.  It is so hard to do though.  So hard to get out of the mindset of thinking that i need to be this certain guy and say the right things instead of just being myself.

Honestly, I think it’s only hard for you because you keep telling yourself it’s hard. All it really takes is a firm decision and then suddenly it gets easier. Trust me on that. I was literally sobbing to my therapist one day about needing closure, and then the next day I asked myself why?? What would that REALLY do for me?? It likely wouldn’t change anything and I know I still have work to do on myself and my own issues, so I made the decision that day to just let things go and it was like a weight lifted and everything got easier. I quit crying every day. Thoughts of him are fewer and far between and really don’t have any emotional impact, they’re just kind of thoughts that pass through and I don’t mind them so much. I’m not fighting with myself anymore. All because I made the decision to take him off the pedestal, put him in a nice little space on a shelf in the back of my mind, and let the past go.  Things got a lot easier after that.  But if you keep telling yourself it’s hard to do, you’re going to keep believing that it’s hard to do… when it doesn’t have to be.  Start telling yourself it’s easy and you can do it… over and over.  Seriously. You have no idea the psychological affect that can have. It’s a mind trick that truly works. 🙂   Google Kerwin Rae “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” to learn more about that. I’m a psychology major and I’ve learned what he says is absolutely true.

You’ve learned a lot of lessons from this. Just take them to heart and remember them and recognize the value this experience has given you. It sucks, but it has been valuable.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

Won’t know if I mind unless you ask it. haha! 🙂

Lets say down the road, maybe years from now or not.  Having that feeling of betrayal.  Even though it was nothing like cheating or anything.  But feeling like you were lied to and betrayed.  Is that something you would be able to overcome and over look, or would you always have an issue?

No, I wouldn’t always have an issue, but my ex did far more to me than just confiding in a friend of mine and I’d still be willing to work things out, so I’m not sure my thoughts on this are comparable to your ex. I kind of think it’s silly she considers that betraying her trust anyway. Does she not confide in her own friends? Wouldn’t that friend have already known it all anyway? So I don’t really understand why she felt betrayed by that to begin with unless she was just saying she did to ease some of her own guilt over what she did to you. You were just trying to figure out what in the world was happening and I think that should’ve been understandable.

Anyway, though, if she clung onto any sort of betrayal that happened while you were heartbroken and emotional, I’m not sure she’d be worth having back anyway because there’s a certain lack of understanding there, especially since she’s the one who betrayed your trust to begin with. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much. It’s likely she just wanted to point a finger at you to ease her own guilt but it actually wasn’t that big of a deal.