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IpkR09

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  • #377438
    IpkR09
    Participant

    I just teared up reading the last few lines, Anita… “Choose a man with whom togetherness is a good thing, quiet, peaceful, safe.”

    Yeah, I don’t miss those moments at all, I miss my brother…my parents sometimes, even my sister because we all have spent a long time together. Obviously, there were some good times too with my sister, those are very less but there are. So I wish her well but I wish that we meet less, especially since she is how she is.

    And being alone is good, I like the peace…having quiet teas, watching the sunset from my balcony after a busy day but I wish often if I had someone who would wrap me in their arms and talk about our day together. Maybe it got stronger when he came to stay for a week, I saw what a happy relation could be like and maybe this is why I started expecting again. I had stopped it all, I had become complacent with my own self. But I had Fun around him, we laughed so much. Each time I would wake up at night, he would hug me tighter and I felt so calm. I always felt like he was home. Suddenly, there is no home. I have to make myself home now. So that it is alright being on my own once again. I keep indulging myself with things, with food, and with music but I need that open space again. The Covid-19 cases are again on the rise in my country and I am left confined in my flat. Not that I have many friends, I hesitate to tell even my closest friends what I feel. I feel like I will burden them with my emotions.

     

    I will be careful Anita. I just hope there is a next time. I am so afraid that because I have tried moving on before and unknowingly I keep comparing other men to him. I am a writer, men get bored hearing my thoughts… I take some time to open up and people give up before I open up. Since we were so similar, I never had to explain to him about these things. He believed in my dreams about being a published author and often encouraged to write, even gave ideas. I know I am talking like any other heart broken person. You would say obviously everyone moves on, of course everyone finds someone new.

    I see my father though, He disclosed this secret two years ago to me- he liked somone else but his father forced him into marriage with my mum who was unaware about it and loves my father with all she has but till date He hasn’t been able to let go of that attachment. My father smiles and laughs but none of the smiles reflect in his eyes. Maybe the reason he never interfered with my sister was that he has absolutely no expectations from us, any of his children. He often talks to me about these things…only me, that he only wants to fulfill his duties as a father which according to him are- Give us good education and get us married. I don’t want to be numb like him. It scares me.

    Even my sister, the person she was getting married to in 2018, she still likes that guy. Even the guy she is marrying, is still into his ex who married someone else. God, what a dysfunctional society are we all living in.

    Today, Arranged marriage in Indian society is only for people who are too broken to love again or who are so indecisive that they want their parents to take this major decision of their life for them so that they can blame them tomorrow if their marriage fails. If someone finds love in this process, they are lucky. If not, compromise and live is what all parents have been teaching us.

     

     

    #377433
    IpkR09
    Participant

    I am for now only focusing on me, It hurts every second though. Although both he and my ex feel like similar men and perhaps they were…in terms of commitment issues or more, how I behaved towards both was different.

     

    With my ex, I used to be like a helpless weak person because he was so dominating till one day he left and I realized how weak I was.  When I had met him, it was a conscious decision to meet and date. Although it was a chance meeting as well, I had taken a decision to date.

    When I met my current ex, oh it hurts writing that but when I met him, I was already on a mend myself mission- I was content being on my own and was happy enjoying things I like. He was my sister’s friend so she had forced me to go meet her friends, I had honestly just gone out for the food. And we met and I denied that I can’t like him, I can’t like anybody, especially not my sister’s friend. But it was as if I could not think anymore, coincidences were extreme. We met unexpectedly at places and suddenly my sister decided that all of us should go on a vacation. We talked on the trip, at length and suddenly we both realized that we have too much in common in terms of interests but we handled things differently. It just so happened. It was not planned, not even like let’s date and see… to this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies. I have grown better because of him, I have become stronger.

     

    My sister was always unfair to me but instead of facing her, my approach was to ignore and move away. It kept hurting me but i took no actions. With him, I faced all that.

    But towards the end, things grew painful. Earlier he never ignored me, no matter what but he did. He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off…especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents. He was hurt and he had cut off all mental connections to me which I didn’t know because he had stopped talking saying that let’s give time to things. And he was getting better not thinking of all this but I got in touch again because I didn’t know he was doing good, I just texted to know how he was and he texted back. He seemed distant at first but after few days, he texted himself. We again remained in touch but just as good friends….on and off……till in January, he told me his parents forced him to meet a girl for arranged marriage thing and although he said he didn’t like the girl because they didn’t talk much but who knows if they did talk, they would have liked each other. Anyways, when he told me that on text… I told him All the best for his new life and blocked him everywhere except on-call- I didn’t think he would ever call….but he did….some 10 days later… very drunk and totally out of his senses…I told him I don’t want to talk on call and definitely not talk when he wasn’t sober, if he has anything to say to me he has to come to meet me and within a week he came to meet me. I felt maybe he is putting in an effort. Then I got to know his family wanted him to come to see me so that he can finally make a decision. Maybe I wasn’t all that great as he thought in his mind.

    Anyways, things are today as they are.

    I will try resolving my inner issues… one by one. The current wound first and then the childhood wound.

    #377430
    IpkR09
    Participant

    Teak, Your words are making sense. I know he didn’t even know he was doing this but unknowingly, he did sabotage the relationship. He is too afraid of people, of love, and of happiness. And if he keeps up with his addictions then the bright mind that he has will also be wasted. I feel so sad for him. For us. I wish he had someone to help him as well. Someone he accepted to love and to make him feel good. I wish his family understood what he is going through instead of fighting while he suffered on the inside.

    #377429
    IpkR09
    Participant

    1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

    I was not very strong then, I easily cried at things and it is right that what I wrote about myself was more of a projection of what my mother and sister said to me than what I felt about myself. The only thing I feel is wrong with me is that I have a very strong fear of being left alone in life and when I started living on my own I realized that I am alright but loneliness haunts me on weekends especially due to rising cases in India, we work from Home.

    2) What is your understanding of those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

    I just wanted to be left alone, I can’t stand loud arguments and physical fights which often happen at home since my sister indulges physically a lot- she would through things around and hit people around when angry. Also, I often find that nobody listens entirely yet are quick to form conclusions because of which they come at me if anything is wrong anywhere in the house.

    3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

    I seldom get angry. I have had no other episodes with anyone else.

    4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

    I drink yes but with friends or when I need to cry and speak out since I talk out to the universe even if I have nobody around. I am not a regular drinker. It was just that few weeks or a month in Dec. 2019 . Even then I used to drink and sit alone quietly because I knew I could talk to nobody about my relationship issues or how I felt in college( alone).

    5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

    I felt that the episodes will continue and my temper will go out of bounds but it didn’t. I actually felt I was crazy then, I realized with time that I wasn’t. That time I and my sister shared a room and she often lashed out especially at nights and I felt horrible. Then one day in September he texted my sister again after 2 years, then she hit me at night when I was asleep. It was the last limit for me and I left the room at 3 am and slept in the hall(I was awake but I just sat there, I had an interview in the morning). I was adamant, no matter what I need another place to sleep and work. I cleaned a spare room on the terrace the following day and shifted there. slowly cleaned the toilet and made the room my safe space. I lived there till I moved out. I will have to go home for her wedding, it is not something I can choose not to do. It is customary in Indian Families for siblings to be present for sibling’s weddings. But I feel at ease because I know I have my room. She did want that room when it was cleaned properly but I told my parents that I want only one thing for now- my own room- do not give this away too. They realized that it was important and asked her to be content in hers. So, I am fine now. Just the fear remains as it is a long-timed, deep-rooted fear.

    #377397
    IpkR09
    Participant

    you are right TeaK, maybe I was so focused on him that I never saw what damage I had further done to myself…on top of what was already there. It is true! no matter how many times I tell myself I love myself, it is only partial…I need time to myself. I don’t want to open myself to the world for now…maybe in time, it shall happen as well.

     

    #377395
    IpkR09
    Participant

    Hi Anita! You are right. Recently, I gave up on this. His addictions- it just doesn’t stop. Once it is drinking, it is smoking, it is porn, it is masturbation. Anything, absolutely anything that he can put his mind off things, our things. He is a good person but there are issues. There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention. They used to leave our lives and few days we would be happy, no worries at all, and then my sister would reappear or these addictions would. I often told him, the connection between us is very good but it makes me sad that each time there comes even a slight bit of romance there, something or the other happens.

    Anyways, 2.5 years is a long time in my eyes and it is enough. I always felt that addictions are things that could be fixed but later I understood that because they gave him comfort, maybe he did not want to leave them. And saying this that I should marry by my parents’ choice was the last straw. I could not believe he was the same person that I was talking to even a month back. He had come to visit me on his family’s persuasion as they want things to be good between us as he denies going out with other women.

    That one week he stayed, the moment he met me- apart from an anxiety attack that he felt he did wrong by coming because my sister will never let us be and he did not want to hurt me more. It vanished however when we spent time. We were so happy. We decided to be together and fix things in our own lives so that when my sister is married, we can talk about marriage to our parents.

    Things changed in a week after he left, he left my city and met his childhood friends and god knows what went on in his head. He was like this isn’t right and started the same cycle again. But I was tired now.

     

    I told him then itself, its time we split. I cannot take this stress anymore. I can’t convince someone that they love me especially when they just say but don’t reflect in their actions.

     

    moving ahead. Please be with me. I feel really alone these days.

    #377393
    IpkR09
    Participant

    sorry TeaK, I did not see the name. I was just so sad, i feel hungry but i am unable to eat as well. It is a weird feeling.

    I usually don’t run from my issues, i solve them and then i move on but with this issue. He did not want to find a solution. Each time i want to talk about the issues surrounding us, he would say that he is tired.

    Earlier the issues were only in the surroundings and not between us then he suddenly one day told me he felt irritated at few things i do….”using heart emojis for your friends”, in my understanding heart emoji is for anyone to show care and sympathy. I have spent months and years for him to get better and talk about this. But he never showed interest from his end and when i tried, he didn’t let me talk, he would say i need sleep or i have work and would go.

     

    engaging myself in work is a way for me to just switch my mind shut. Can’t help it further.

    #377364
    IpkR09
    Participant

    I will make efforts, to be okay. To be better. I seem to be okay on my own but I just wish I hadn’t met this guy. I don’t know why i meet people who don’t want to stay. I still want to love someone before I decide to marry them but I am so scared.

    We did get back. Both of us could not leave the relationship and kept coming back to one another. He even approached my sister with the intention of convincing her in August and things got so bad that he had an anxiety attack when he met me next.

    Both of us got damaged. I did some online reading which said the masturbation habit could have happened because got addicted to the happy feeling one feels during orgasm. He wasn’t an addict earlier, it became worse during lockdown… especially after November. He says he is scared of marrying anyone now. It’s not me, he doesn’t want to get married at all is what he says. But kept coming back to me because he said he felt like he could never like anyone else the way he liked me.

    Thanks for listening to me Anita, I am trying to focus more on work so that I think less of this, obviously, it doesn’t work but trying hard it would.

     

    I suggested him to talk to you multiple times ’cause you are able to find answers to the problem within the description of the problem but he chose offline therapy sessions over online therapy and he wasn’t satisfied with it. Said I felt nothing felt clear even after talking to the counselor. I still wish him to be healthy and happy. He is a good man.

    #377353
    IpkR09
    Participant

    It’s been quite some time since I last wrote.

    I moved out of home in this time, my interactions with my sister are on the minimum and the guy i dated for last 2.5 years just left me yesterday saying he is unable to make up his mind about marriage and wants me to meet guys as a part of arranged marriage system as approved by my parents.

    I tried a lot, so much in fact that I feel drained now. I am here however Anita because I feel really angry. At my sister to have interfered in my life at the first place and also at this guy who said this to me after 2.5 years of me struggling every single day.

     

    Also the common feelings after a breakup have come back, I feel like shit. Everyone says I am perfect woman that everyone wants in their life, yet not one person who isn’t commitment phobic enters my life. Did I do something wrong? I did go crazy in between, I just wanted to end the cycles of dating. I knew the guy was nice, cared for me but when the time came for him to embrace me like I did for him at every step when he had anxiety attacks, when he was struggling with switching companies, with his family, with friends and finances. I helped out everywhere and in return, he became such that he didn’t even bother asking if I was okay or not.

     

    He started behaving in the exact same manner as my ex when he left. He wasn’t ready for marriage although his parents want us to be engaged soon. Even my ex had told me that he wanted to explore more women, have sex with as many women as he could before he made a decision to marry someone. He said the same, he says it is not like it is you or some other woman I want to marry. It is you or my single life. I haven’t been with a lot of women and I want to be with them, he recently revealed that he is addicted to masturbation and did not feel any pleasure whenever we did it. I feel so lost. Everything, all things are suddenly bothering me together.

    Do I have an issue with my body or am I not capable of keeping a man in my life. I have been angry very few times with him, When the last posts were written- I was struggling in reality( I had a series of anxiety attacks the entire year till I got hold of them) I still get them but I control them at the initial stages itself.

    I have a decent job now. I have two master’s degrees. I can take care of people mentally, also know all the basic things a human should know in order to survive. And yet, I am in this position. I don’t want to settle for a man through an arranged marriage. I always wanted to be swept off my feet like so many of my friends were. They had issues too- they worked them out together and are happy together now.

    I tried so hard, was patient, and stuck with him for so long despite the issues around masturbation(he uses webcam services when very aroused during a hangover and would apologize later) I had at first put my foot down but then he pleaded that he knew it was sick and he wanted to get better and not do this. I had to drill down the fact that it is online prostitution to control it a bit. But now, I feel so mentally tired Anita. What do I do? I don’t feel ready to let anyone in ever again.

     

    the weird fact is, not even him. I feel he hurt me so bad and yet did not think once before saying that I should meet the guys my parents are lining up and get married to, if I like any of, them.

    Please help me. I am unable to even cry. My mind keeps stopping me saying don’t waste your tears over such people and yet at the same time I have a very heavy heart. I feel mentally abused and drained. My family expects me to give an answer about us as a situation soon as my sister gets married this month so they will focus on me soon. My parents want me to get married by next year and I feel so pressured especially when I have been ditched by the man I thought will be my life partner.

     

    please help me

    #351362
    IpkR09
    Participant

    1. I kept thinking again and again about it. I realized few things. Here when i used “my love for drama” he has said this but I agreed for it because I was seeking forgiveness for anything that I did and if this was something which he considered my problem i better apologise for it.

    But I realized meaning of drama in all this- Saying or doing things I don’t mean. Like i used to often tell him during fights to just leave me alone when he couldn’t understand my point of view. I think this was drama. I wanted him there and understand no matter how many tries it took to understand.

     

    2.”How acc. to
    my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic
    stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the
    mental trauma others go through by fighting.” I meant my sister thinks this.  My sister often tells me this but the day he said that I love drama, I felt maybe she is right too and so I said this. Although this isn’t true. How can anybody plan their actions, I mean who has that kind of time?

    The hitting myself thing I just wanted everyone to stop and leave me alone. My sister keeps complaining about me, every time I see her alone with one of my parents, I hear her talking about me- How I am not as I seem I am and how I am a very convoluted person. Soon even when I was sitting in the room She will start complaining about how I don’t do anything in the house. The thing is I have online classes of my MBA degree and a research paper to write alongside one diploma and one Masters in Arts going on. So I am in my room all day doing all of that and when I know that she and I can’t be in the same place for long I started being alone with my books and laptop in another room away from them all. This was an opportunity for her to speak about me all the time to my mum and father(papa). So whenever she is complaining, I keep quiet, both my parents as well because if I speak, it turns into a full-fledged fight and that they don’t want.

    The first day as well, I just wanted her to keep quiet. when she went overboard I started screaming, I screamed for her to stop talking first then just to leave me alone. And then I don’t know what got over me, I was just tired that day it was too much but after the incident she told my mother again how I had created drama to gain sympathy.

    I let it go and then she again does the next day. As if she is doing so much. I am acting like a child, ain’t I?

    The second day as well, it was her again. She doesn’t know when to stop and my mind explodes and these days unlike like before I am not able to tolerate the nonsense and I act out, It is not to gain attention. Trust me Anita, without trying I get plenty of that, I am not an extrovert and so it is often unwelcome.  Even in my MBA school in the beginning of the programme they ask students to take a psychometric and analytical ability tests, i scored well. They have a policy to take such students for student councils. Although since I have done this Council and being the President thing during my bachelors and I hate the politics behind it all. It made me really weary of people and I had decided not to do it again here but When I declined the council post, my college’s director told me either there is no option of No, there is only Yes because as a manager you cannot decline the decisions of the management, With no choice left I continued, but obviously there are many who think that they can do it better than me. I even invited them plain and simple to do it and I will resign but all they do is complain and nothing else. I slowly started being alone, eating alone( all three meals), spending my evenings alone, sat in class alone and I think it has made me less tolerant with people. I am not able to listen to people complaining for a long time.

    I am complaining again. I shouldn’t.

    #351274
    IpkR09
    Participant

    I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if i have created some kind of Drama. I want to be normal as well- I cannot vouch for my ex anymore, but this guy …so much has happened with so many mistakes on both ends yet I am telling you he is a very good person. I want to be normal and not Destroy my happiness and other’s happiness. That will be the last thing I want, I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others. I want to change, please help me. I don’t want anyone to remember me this way later in their lives. I don’t know when and what exactly I do that creates drama and I thought perhaps it’s my poor anger management. Please help me understand this. Please help me change.

    #351272
    IpkR09
    Participant

    I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if i have created some kind of Drama. I want to be normal as well- I cannot vouch for my ex anymore, but this guy …so much has happened with so many mistakes on both ends yet I am telling you he is a very good person. I want to be normal and not Destroy my happiness and other’s happiness. That will be the last thing I want, I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others. I want to change, please help me. I don’t want anyone to remember me this way later in their lives. I don’t know when and what exactly I do that creates drama and I thought perhaps it’s my poor anger management. Please help me understand this. Please help me change.

    #351242
    IpkR09
    Participant

    Throughout the day today, He was angry about the letter and kept commenting all day and I who had not actually opened my mouth and spoken about my issues… replied one word answers. Then he suddenly called, He said some mean things and I ended the call then he called again and I didn’t respond. I knew that he felt guilty somewhere and so I called back and he listened and listened and then spoke finally. I listened too. I suddenly feel so much at peace but I don’t want to be dependent on anybody to be calm and happy. I want to be whatever I be, on my own.

    #351220
    IpkR09
    Participant

    Also I have become less patient than before and forget a lot of things, and I have started detesting company as if there is nobody whom I can tell about myself. I had left his name in this letter by mistake and I was so afraid and until I edited it I felt really scared.

    #291531
    IpkR09
    Participant

    Yes,  I can only truly be loyal to someone if I respect their views and since I don’t, I am being dishonest even in being loyal.

    This is my last decision- nobody should know anything unless I want to tell them.  And I don’t. Even with my parents.

    I want to share something here.  I always knew that I wanted to love and marry by my choice and I also know that to do that I need to assert my place by doing something worthwhile.  So,  getting a job and at least getting one novel published even if it is not very great was on my list.  I absolutely cannot settle with my dreams and thus this plan works out everything effectively and yes, I will not fight and for his current feelings,  I think I will let him calm himself down. He is going through a lot even outside the relationship.

     

    Thank you so much Anita. It is always a pleasure to receive advice from you.  I am thankful for you to be present in my life.

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