Dear lostcatlady:

I would like to attentively read your post and reply to you when I am back to the computer in abut 18 hours from now. I hope other members will reply to you as well.

anita

Hi Lostcatlady!

Being an introvert myself, I can’t help but feel very familiar with the things you’re going through.

I’m 23F, I feel like there’s a lot to be explored, and yet at the same time I feel like I lack the will/power/persistence/hustle/what-you-may-call-it, to pursue what I desire. I crave the winnings, but I lack what I need to get there – or at least I felt like it.

Passing days with this sort of feeling is uncomfortable and damaging in so many subtle ways. Unfortunately, this also comes with an added pressure of comparing self to others.  On the surface, we may pass as an okay person but under the surface we’re beating ourselves, our ego and self-esteem constantly on the line.
I’m not at all resourceful enough to determine whether this is slipping into more of a clinical problem or “still in our heads” type of thing, thus I know no absolute fix. However I can put this here for you to determine whether it’s right or wrong: it’s not our life that is bad, but the way we think of it, is.

I know of a colleague who, according to her, “has had her life practically destroyed within days.” It involved crimes, lack of skills, lack of money, lack of judgement. She claimed she had nothing left; no one to talk to, no family to return to, no money and no skills to earn it. At some point in her life, she was in jail for things she didn’t do. But over time, she learned to let it go, accept how life had bailed out on her, and finally start a brand new page because it had worn her out for too long. She forced herself into rehab, into communities, trying desperately to fit in and be accepted. She may have flaws and unpleasant past, but she accepted herself and tried to live it out. Not so surprisingly, years afterwards, she earned her happiness. Previously she had no family to live with – now she can go day by day knowing she had found a new family in her friends. She had no partner but that’s okay. She had very little money but that’s okay. She may not have everything in her grasp just like everyone else, but that’s okay. She’s still trying to fix herself because she has something to aim for.

I am in no way comparing your problem to hers, I simply wanted to show you how she fixed her problems. My feedback may be more towards subtly changing the way we think (abstractly), and not the concrete solution to an immediate fix. But I think we can have several key points from there to note:

– Comparing yourself to others is no-no. Some proceed in their lives much faster than us, and some much slower. What we need to understand is that we all have our own struggles and pace. As I’ve said, you may appear okay on the surface but not many people know what’s going on inside you. The same applies to others – you see them in their grand stature with their positive outcomes in life but no one knows what they’ve gone through to get to that point, what hardships they’ve put up with and how many people were there for them when they’re at their worst. Seeing them as perfect is a flaw in itself. Every one of us may do better without constantly checking our neighbors’s progress and determining where we’re at based on that.

– We can all agree on at least one thing: accepting and loving yourself do absolutely no harm (unless you’re over-loving yourself and turn narcissistic~). We may have many flaws that we wish to fix, but constantly beating ourselves because of it is rather cruel, isn’t it? One thing I’ve learned from that fellow friend of mine, was that we can try viewing ourselves in third-person POV: see ourselves as a child in distress. You see every other child able to speak, run, and play on their own. Then you see this particular child, the same age, who’s still unable to walk, let alone run or speak. Would you spank her and tell her she’s not good enough? Would you critic her and let her be, all on her own trying to figure things out while not knowing how to do it? I believe not. We would support and encourage her instead so that she can be as advanced as others, and while we’d be able to do that to some random child, certainly we can do that to ourselves too.

– Do try and start acting things out without thinking too much. I often find it really helpful to imagine myself already winning something – it motivates me to keep on going, and motivations may work differently with different people. Try and see if something stimulates you unlike any other thing has, and figure out the formula. Then don’t think about the consequences of doing the thing you love – just do it.

– If we’re feeling unaccomplished in the midst of seemingly ‘successful’ people, either we extract ourselves from the surroundings and try no to think of them anymore, or try and be like them. Anyhow, if we’re literally ‘alone’ as we call it, nobody else would care about what we do, right? We can make a fool of ourselves and everyone would still be too busy perfecting their own lives, so we might as well plan a route and make an escape to a better life. Life doesn’t change on its own – if we change, life changes too. My friend asked this question to herself in front of a mirror too many a times: “Does anyone give a f*ck?” and the answer is almost always no, for the better or for the worse. We’re all out here fending for ourselves in our personal fights.

– People don’t see you the way you see yourself. Whereas we’re the ones who’re living our lives day by day, we know every little flaws that exist in ourselves in detail. Other people, not as much. So we tend to be over-critical about ourselves and mull over it without actually seeing a way to fix it. Let’s say we start crocheting out of hobby, then we stopped before really becoming a pro at it. We think it’s bad, but it doesn’t mean it’s universally bad – in fact, I think it’s actually a good thing because it’s a sign that we have tried doing something, took out an effort and had a new experience unlike any other. Sure we didn’t pursue further more than that, but it doesn’t mean we’re a failure. Seeking help from others means you’re willing to see from other’s eyes that are trying to analyze you and accept the help in order to fix said flaws. And I, for one, believe you may be a little too over-critical for your own good.

– Our time may be limited, as in we’ll die at some point. But there’s no limit to learning. Literally. I have elder acquaintances that are in their 70s, 80s even. And they only just started doing things that they want to excel at, such as writing stories, playing saxophone, baking pastries – things that they might have missed in their early days and got jealous that other people are able to do it so well. Things may seem to rush you in order to excel at something and be successful, but really, if you’re forcing yourself out of your pace, it often does more harm than good. It would be better if we start seeing our life from another angle, take things more slowly and pat yourself on the back once in a while. Not many people has the luxury of time, and I believe you’re also one of the lucky ones even though you may see yourself not so.

– Define what you truly want in your life. What do you define with happiness? What do you identify with an ideal life? Do you really want a partner, like your friends? Do you really want to have a stable job, a circle of close friends, a pursued hobby that turns fruitful? If so, why do you want it? Then, once we’ve defined what we truly want, we can focus on what needs to be done in order for it to be achieved. If what you wanted was something else, start deciding whether you need to just settle with what you have currently, or move forward and start doing things to achieve it.

“While going through this mental crisis, I realised I have literally no one I can confide in.” I’m really sorry you have to undergo all this without anyone to help you. It’s good now that you’ve finally reached out to Tinybuddha and boldly write out some of your troubles –  in fact, this is one of the ways you can fix your problems!

I hope you feel the relief I’m having now because you’ve finally decided to open up and let people (like me and you) know that we’re not totally alone in this world. Please do know that you’re not alone – thousands, countless people are also feeling insecure, facing the same dilemma we’re having right about now.. and it’s certainly not fun trying to find a leeway through it.

Oh and, if you ever needed someone to talk to, you can always reach out to people here, as I’ve known Tinybuddha to be a very friendly and open community to engage in.

Let me know what you think. I hope you’re able to see a positive way out of this soon!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Carley.

Dear lostcatlady:

I think that this is what happened to you: throughout your childhood, your father has been “apathetic and distant” and your mother, well, if she loves you, somehow her love was not delivered to you. And so, you grew up with very little love, similar to a young tree growing up with very little water and nutrients. It minimally grows, fitting the minimal water and nutrients available to it.

“I feel that I skipped a very important part of growing up”- love is what you missed, that water-and-nutrients that we desperately need.

And so, minimally there is passion, joy, desire to connect with others, to learn, to advance, to make good things happen for yourself. Depression is the result, that condition of being minimally alive.

Am I correct?

anita

Hello Lostcatlady,

You have explained your situation with more detail and I feel I understand a little better. It sounds like you are doing everything right in terms of self care, looking for other hobbies like badminton and sleeping well etc. I think tthat is a hard thing I have found in my own life too sometimes eg if I am doing everything I should and people say to do eg like exercise, eating well etc how do I still feel a bit “meh” or underwhelmed at times. Is that how you feel?

Organising your photos sounds a task you can easily get lost in and I bet you will feel proud at the end that it is done. Do you have alot more left to do with this?

Maybe your way forward could be to research jobs in the healthcare or social sector as by changing jobs you will automatically be in a new environment with the opportunity to make new friends. Alot easier said than done though I do appreciate.

In terms of making friends I have found it best to try and find friends linked to my hobbies or classes I am doing. I do not have any “friends” at such from work. In terms of hobbies and classes I have taken a few over the years  but probably only gained aqauintences from them eg people i could go out for a drink with once in a while but that is it. I find it hard to make friends too..

In terms of rumination and worry. I do this alot. I try to do it less now, but it is still more than I would like. Ways I have found to help me are to get up and do fast paced movement when i am ruminating eg squats, star jumps or sit ups-anything to break the mind pattern. Or go for a fast jog. Yoga also works for me as you have to be very present to figure out which is left and right! Other things include things like colouring or watching tv or reading a book – basically distractions or to try and turn it into small steps eg what one thing could I do right now to feel better and then go and do it. I wish there were a simple fix!

You obviously grew up with little or no love from your parents. However, don’t allow this determine your success in life. I’ll advice you do things you are passionate about to earn a living.

Dear lostcatlady:

“I believe I do love my mother as she loves me. I wish I could hug her and tell her I love her… I don’t know how to initiate it. She’s never hugged me or told me she loves me in person”…”her mother (my grandmother) didn’t show her love too”-

– children are born soft, loving. They don’t.. think about initiating a hug, they simply hug.

When your mother was born she was soft too and loving. Her mother was hard and rejected her own daughter’s loving nature, and so, your mother became hard.

Then you were born soft and loving, and your mother rejected you. As a young child you hugged your mother, held on to her tightly, but she felt uncomfortable with your hug, so she moved you away from her body.

“I don’t know how to initiate it”, more likely, you don’t know how to hug her without her moving away from you, like she already did repeatedly before, when you were very young.

From what you shared, reads to me that your mother loves you, doing things for you, trying to cheer you up, encouraging you to seek professional help and suggesting that you can use her savings. Thing is, your love for her is soft and limitless and her love for you is hard and limited.

Because her love for you is limited, the relationship with her is limited.

The vicious cycle you mentioned is about a soft loving child being rejected by a hardened mother, and then that child proceeding to be hard with her own child.  Our mothers are our first loves. When that love is not returned, we grow up with a broken heart, always having a soft spot for our mothers.

You want more than anything to make your mother happy, and you were always willing to do all that it takes. But like a plant in a pot with too  little water and nutrients that doesn’t grow tall and strong, you too, with too little love, you can’t grow into the confident, successful outgoing woman you wish you were, the kind that would be able to provide a more comfortable life for your mother-

– not because you don’t want to, not because you don’t love her enough, but because… she doesn’t love you enough, not enough to ask you what you think, what you feel, what you need.. if she asked you, you would  have told her you want to hug her but are afraid she will reject you again. Maybe then, if she asked and if she listened to you, she would have opened her arms for that hug.

Regarding your father, he is limited too, hard as well. Reads to me that within your family, your empathy has been with your mother, siding with her against the unloving-element in the family, your father, while in reality, both your parents are significantly limited that way (maybe your father even more limited than your mother).

Notice what you wrote to me in the beginning of your recent post: “I started crying when I read it because it really hit home (not trying to make you feel bad for it though!)”- your crying doesn’t make me feel bad, but your concern indicates to me that you don’t want to burden others with your pain, and I suppose you didn’t and don’t want to burden your mother with your pain, this is an indication of how alone you are in the context of your relationship with your mother and with your father.

It will help you to express your pain to someone who will not be inconvenienced by it, but instead, will be motivated to listen to you, to really hear your words and your emotions, in the words you say or type away. I am willing to do that, and so, if you want, please post again and again and express to me what you need to express, I want to read from you.

I hope that you will learn what I learned in my own life, the concept of soft love vs hard love, the difference between the two.

You feel guilty for not doing better career wise and therefore not being able to provide a better life for your mother, materially- once you understand the difference I mentioned above, that guilt will lessen and lessen and then be gone. Without that guilt, you will have more of that energy that you are now lacking.

anita