33F No career, friends, SO, hobbies, no life

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    “You have explained your situation with more detail and I feel I understand a little better. It sounds like you are doing everything right in terms of self care, looking for other hobbies like badminton and sleeping well etc. I think that is a hard thing I have found in my own life too sometimes eg if I am doing everything I should and people say to do eg like exercise, eating well etc how do I still feel a bit “meh” or underwhelmed at times. Is that how you feel?”

    Oh yes totally. I think I probably need more hobbies, social life and more importantly, a positive attitude. But my negative attitude right now is telling me that there’s no point in anything 🙁 Also, since I have not been sleeping well (I have good sleep hygiene and all but maybe the anxiety/depression in me is affecting my sleep quality) I simply have no energy to do stuff.

    “Organising your photos sounds a task you can easily get lost in and I bet you will feel proud at the end that it is done. Do you have alot more left to do with this?”

    I wanted to do my travel blog from my old travel photos, but lately I don’t have much motivation. Looking back at those travel photos doesn’t even make me happy anymore. I also have loads of cat videos and photos, and I’d post the better ones to my social media, but I’ve accumulated so many that it has become a chore to organise them. But I think I’ll try to choose some of the videos that make me cheer me up.

    “Maybe your way forward could be to research jobs in the healthcare or social sector as by changing jobs you will automatically be in a new environment with the opportunity to make new friends. Alot easier said than done though I do appreciate.”

    Yes I do realise that changing to a new work environment could have some positive impact on my social life, but right now everything just looks bleak and undoable to me. Of course it’s probably my depression and low self-esteem talking.

    “In terms of making friends I have found it best to try and find friends linked to my hobbies or classes I am doing. I do not have any “friends” at such from work. In terms of hobbies and classes I have taken a few over the years  but probably only gained aqauintences from them eg people i could go out for a drink with once in a while but that is it. I find it hard to make friends too..”

    Yes.. I can’t seem to go beyond acquaintances too. I’ve read that to go beyond that level, you really need to make the effort to keep hanging out with them, especially those that you find that you’re able to connect better with. Unfortunately as an introvert, I preferred to be on own so i never had the motivation to make the effort… Yet in times of trouble, I suddenly find myself lost and in need of support. It’s probably selfish of me to only think of friends when I need them. I wish I could be strong and independent enough to not have to rely on other people.

    “In terms of rumination and worry. I do this alot. I try to do it less now, but it is still more than I would like. Ways I have found to help me are to get up and do fast paced movement when i am ruminating eg squats, star jumps or sit ups-anything to break the mind pattern. Or go for a fast jog. Yoga also works for me as you have to be very present to figure out which is left and right! Other things include things like colouring or watching tv or reading a book – basically distractions or to try and turn it into small steps eg what one thing could I do right now to feel better and then go and do it. I wish there were a simple fix!”

    Yes rumination is really really annoying and instead of trying to stop, acknowledge and let it pass, like most websites about it would suggest, I’d go and look up the topic i am ruminating about online instead! I really need to stop that. Your ideas are good, I’ll try them. I’m also going to try to get into some popular movies and tv at least. It sucks that people around me are gushing about Avengers and I haven’t watched a single movie.

    “In terms of liking evenings best..I used to like evenings best in that it felt like there was less pressure and the demands of the day were done so I was ‘allowed’ to relax and chill. In the evening, particularly dark, winter evenings, it feels like noone else could be doing great things either eg they were just chilling out too, which made it easier for me to switch off and relax. I also felt hope that tomorrow could be a better day. Is this anything like why you like evenings best? Or am I far from the mark?”

    Actually I wish time doesn’t pass so fast so I don’t look forward to “tomorrow”. Lately whenever I wake up in the morning I just feel sad, anxious and tired. But yes the former reason you give about being “allowed” to relax and chill rings true to me.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by lostcatlady.

    Dear lostcatlady:

    A child needs comfort from the parent, that “everything will be ok” feeling. It can be given by an embrace, a smile, a few words articulated with affection and confidence. When your father reacted by walking away and your mother’s reaction lacked the affection and confidence a child needs, your burden didn’t decrease, it increased and future burdens added to it, all experienced as too heavy to carry alone.

    “I shouldn’t feel guilty for not being able to provide a better life for my mother, because she didn’t provide me with the ‘nutrients’ to do so”- true.

    “I did sometimes feel bad for my mum because I know she is very unhappy”- a daughter has her empathy with her mother, the daughter experiences the unhappiness she sees in her mother, often feeing responsible for it, and follows with trying to fix the assumed responsibility by making her mother happy.

    I wrote the above paragraph before I read the part of your post indicating this is what happened in your case: your mother chose to not go to not to  go to the funeral and you “regretted not offering to go with her” even though she didn’t ask you to go with her, assuming you did something wrong, and next, you tried to correct the assumed wrongdoing by offering to help her reconnect with her younger sister.

    But it wasn’t your wrong doing that your mother didn’t attend the funeral of her mother. (And it probably not have made any positive change for your mother if she did attend it). And so, there was no wrongdoing to correct.

    You wrote that your mother blamed your father for not encouraging her to go to that funeral and she sometimes blamed you for not mediating the quarrels between her and her husband, your father that is. Like you wrote yourself, it was “extremely unfair to be blames”, and it was unfair to expect one’s daughter to involve herself with her parents’ quarrels.

    “I guess I really need to  learn to stop taking her unhappiness upon myself”- it is a difficult objective because daughters naturally take the mother’s unhappiness personally, as if it is our fault and something to fix and when the mother clearly communicates to the daughter (in your case and mine) that it is the daughter’s fault and her job to fix, this objective becomes even more difficult.

    It is like a heavy weight to carry, for a daughter. It makes any additional weight related to the daughter’s own life, her”career, friends, SO, hobbies” … too heavy.

    Add the heavy burden of your mother’s unhappiness, that guilt, to receiving little to no comfort from your father and mother, and you get a lost cat lady.

    Here is an image that will explain my point: the false responsibility for your mother’s unhappiness is like a heavy rock that is in your backpack, and lack of comfort from your parents is like you are not allowed to put your backpack down during a hike and rest. This combination makes hiking very uncomfortable, difficult and undesirable, something to avoid. Who wants to hike  (no matter how promising the views may be) when your backpack is too heavy, so heavy you can’t add things you need to it, such as a tent and whatnot, and you don’t get to rest.


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