February 13, 2019 at 7:34 am #279997
Thanks so much for your input. You really sound like you know how it feels. I’m glad to hear you find contentment in little everyday things, I’ve been doing that lately too. I went for a walk earlier and watched a huge bunch of birds rise and come down again in a field each time I took a step closer to them. It was simple and peaceful.
Do I think I deserve better? Hmmm, I deserve to be told I’m loved and that someone wants to spend their life with me and adores me. But my problem is that I still have my ex on such a pedestal. I’ve been trying to chip away at this ideal but it’s not faltering. I loved being with him, I didn’t like the disappointment but even including that, it’s the best I have ever felt in my life.
I think I could go out and eventually find someone who would say they love me or want a future with me, but they wouldn’t be who I want. I feel I wouldn’t have the same connection, chemistry, attraction and general sense of pride I had with my ex. So therein lies the loss of hope that I might find someone better.
I’m genuinely not deliberately trying to be negative, I’m just expressing how I feel with the aim of perhaps giving you more insight into where I’m at and maybe why I’m here.
I was exhausted yesterday, hence the delayed reply! I started my new part-time make up course after work and I’m already looking forward to my next class! I hope this feeling continues.
I spoke to my therapist yesterday and we debated and discussed various things. He opened up the suggestion to me that perhaps I’m not seeking new challenges or a way forward in life, not because I’m afraid of failure but because I’m afraid of success. I’ve always struggled with this theory. Who would be afraid of success? Failure is far scarier! Whereas as he says to me, failure is more familiar to many people, but success….success can mean change and I think we all know how I feel about change!
It was just food for thought and he asked me to consider it over the next week or two. I’m hoping to bury my head at work and then my course tomorrow and avoid the muck that is Valentines Day for me this year.
Im so happy you reached your destination safely and hopefully are now enjoying some well-deserved R&R?!February 13, 2019 at 7:35 pm #280101
Morning (?!) all.
Absolutely – I’m currently perched on my balcony listening to the birds singing and enjoying the morning sunshine before heading out in a bit to explore some more. I’m just so pleased I made the effort to sort this trip out, it’s an awesome place.
Shelby, I think it’s ok to leave him on the pedastal if you need to – this isn’t really about having to pretend otherwise, it’s all about honesty with yourself and dealing with reality. So if he’s your current view of the perfect man for you, fine, leave him on there, people aren’t really better than others, someone who is perfect for one person can be another’s nightmare after all!! It’s all about what works for you. But being honest with yourself and acknowledging that even though he is “perfect”, he doesn’t want or feel the same things about love and future as you do, that means a relationship with him is not perfect for you, even if it is the best you have felt so far in your life. It just means you haven’t yet felt or had more but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It would be helpful to hear more about what you felt you did get out of the relationship and what you didn’t if you want to share. But I do think your therapist is smart and thinking on the same lines I was, it’s change you are more scared of – which is what will make you cling to the old and familiar, even if not good for you. Many many people are scared of success, which does seem odd – but it does mean change even when it’s a good change. What do you find so scary about change? Is it lack of control, of wondering if you will be able to cope? I ask since you are ‘talking’ to someone who used to be both terrified to go outside her comfort zone yet was constantly pulled to do so – until now my last mentor actually labelled me a ‘change junkie’ and I burst out laughing since it was so true now. So I know first-hand how possible it is to go from approaching everything nervously and with fear to embracing and seeking out new experiences. I do truly think if you can work on breaking down what is so scary about change for you, you will find your way forwards with or without this guy. Happy to help as ever where I can!
Kkasxo – I’ve heard the hardest part for people in the deepest part of depression is the first step to help, to lift up from the bottom. I hope you have reached out to your family, friends and doctor and I really hope you can feel the first glimmer of a genuine smile at something. You should be proud you survived your trauma date – you made it through, you are still here. I hope it was not as bad as you feared and you felt at least a little relief?February 14, 2019 at 3:06 am #280123
Lovely to hear from you. Where you are sounds like heaven, I hope you are enjoying this time and I appreciate the input you have given on this forum, despite being on a holiday where you easily could tune out!
I have started reading the book recommended on this thread a while back about attachment in adult romantic relationships and I actually had to put the book down after the first few pages because it was like someone had word for word described my situation! It was eerie, but it is providing me with much insight.
My relationship gave me a sense of excitement and protection and pride and kindness and caring. He is not perfect, most certainly, he could be incredibly stubborn and definitely not organised with anything, but I loved him still. What I didn’t get from the relationship was a sense of how much I meant to that person in an apparent way. I could feel he loved me, but he didn’t display it in grand gestures or romantic ways, he did it every day in kind and thoughtful ways. But I did not get the level of security I wanted and I didn’t get the joint excitement and anticipation of planning a future together.
Today is V-Day here. My wonderful colleague who sits beside me just had a huge bouquet delivered to her desk. She very much deserves them, she is a wonderful friend and her husband is lovely. But it still hits a nerve. Not that I ever got a bouquet of flowers from my ex….or a card actually. But he got me a detangler for my phone cable ‘cos he knew that I get so anxious with tangled wires and he got me rose plants last year ‘cos they don’t die in a few days…the damn things are about to bloom at home again now.
I don’t know, sometimes I feel like flying away somewhere but then I remember what a homebird I am and how much I need the support of those who love me!February 14, 2019 at 7:53 am #280147
Michelle- your holiday sounds so idyllic. I really hope you enjoy the time away. 🙂
Shelby- It sounds like V day is not being great so far. It is like the universe is showing you what you perhaps could have in the future eg you could be the person getting flowers in the office. Alot can happen in a year. To make the best of it maybe you could stop by the shop on the way home and make yourself the lerfect meal, or go and treat yourself with a budget limit such as £5 or £10 of all the nice soaps, conditioners etc in mini bottles you would like but never buy at the supermarket and have a pampering evening? 🙂
I was once told a real story from a man whos wife had left him. He said he watched the milenium fireworks on his own in his house wwith his kids and felt alone, but now he has been marrried for 10 years and has a new joint family and earns good money etc. It sounds like a fairytale but it isnt as I know him. The point is that things may seem sad now, but in the future you may be happy again and find peace.
In regards to your ex on the pedestal. I think you cant take him down from there or accept anything until it is the right time. And you will know when that is e.g there is no forcing. It is what it is and you feel how you feel. So that kind of takes the pressure off. I try and think that people i have loved are still with me in a way as i am a different person for having known them and you cant erase memories. That can seem sad as that person who you love is no longer in your life, but no matter where you go you both have a shared history that cant be undone and you both taught each other things. Every time you recall the lesson, you recall him. I bet that is really sad now but hopefully overtime it is more like a smile. On my very worst days i often think well in another universe/world we would be together – that is abit sappy but it helps to think of the idea that somewhere things are working out for the best, when jt can seem to be a struggle seeing it for the best day to day in your own life. I wish there was a magic pill! Pain is the flip side of love- like the whole “for every force there is an opposite and equal force acting against it” idea.
As regards to your ex’s gifts, it could just of been he didnt buy into the whole valentines thing (like i dont either) so didnt see a reason to go with the masses. It sounded like he got you thoughtful, practical gifts he knew you would like. However it is totally acceptable to feel let down as the media and society kind of suggest roses, wine and chocolate are the way to go.
Hope you nave a good day xFebruary 14, 2019 at 8:07 am #280129February 14, 2019 at 7:34 pm #280247
Morning all. No worries about enjoying my time here, it’s idyllic so far. We have 7 weeks yet of exploring ( long story involving embracing change…. ) so no worries on not having enough time and it’s nice to chat and help, it’s part of my giving back more aim so actually you are all helping me too!
It’s interesting, how different people see value in different things eh. Personally I would have not enjoyed receiving flowers at work at all as there’s minimal thought and effort in that from my perspective. In fact, those kind of gestures to me can often be more about show for other people. Whereas rose plants that will live to flower year after year and will last a lifetime, way more interesting and personal, like the cable tidy. I think NextSteps makes a good point – a lot of people easily fall into the trap of wanting things that media/friends/society says you should want and value instead of actually thinking about it yourself. You already know I’m not a big believer in VD day, so commercial and not personal at all. But what I would take from your experience is just to recognise that envy for your colleague is just a sign of wanting something you don’t currently have in your life. A helpful confirmation of sorts…..!
Related, I once read a good piece on the five different ways/styles people express and want to receive love and how mixed the signals can be if you don’t understand and acknowledge the different styles. E.g. some people need to hear the words “I love you” whereas for some it’s a hug/kiss etc etc – worth looking up and reading about. I wondered if it related to your “What I didn’t get from the relationship was a sense of how much I meant to that person in an apparent way. I could feel he loved me, but he didn’t display it in grand gestures or romantic ways, he did it every day in kind and thoughtful ways”. It may be as “simple” as you both expressing and wanting to receive love in different ways.
I am curious though about your next sentence – “But I did not get the level of security I wanted and I didn’t get the joint excitement and anticipation of planning a future together”. If you could feel he loved you, what kind of ‘security’ did you want that the love you felt did not give you? As the famous saying goes, the only thing guaranteed ( i.e. totally secure ) in life is death and taxes. What security was missing that you think you should have had? Was it something as simple as you wanted to get married and he didn’t? And if so, what about being married would have made you feel any more secure than already being in a loving relationship?? Again, it’s so easy to fall into society expectations that you “should” be married else it isn’t a committed relationship – whereas you can as easily have far more committed relationships without marriage as with. I think it would help you to work out what kind of security you thought you were missing so as not to just repeat this loop again in the future, either with this guy or another. Security afterall comes from within, not from other people, it’s from being at peace with who you are, working on your hopes and dreams but also knowing you can deal with whatever life throws at you.
And regards the ” lacking the joint excitement and anticipation of planning a future together”. I can get this one as it’s a big part of being a team afterall. Was it that you just never talked about future plans, dreams, hopes or that you both had different things in mind that you wanted and so couldn’t plan them together? What did you want and what did he want – how did you both see yourselves in five years time??February 15, 2019 at 1:55 am #280271
Thanks for the pep talk. It’s hard to still imagine someone who was so integral to my life, is not in it anymore or worse, won’t ever be in it again. I still find this difficult to come to terms with. To be honest, I didn’t dwell too long on V Day as I had my course after work again yesterday and I was just exhausted by last night. I stayed with one of my best friends who lives closer to my work and her family. Her toddler is my godchild, so it was nice seeing them, but actually I just hit the hay early so it was all fine.
One day maybe I will see my ex as someone I can smile about, but right now it just causes me pain and confusion, so I’ll keep working on it. I agree, I am where I am right now – emotionally speaking – and when I try to be better or when I try to change, it causes me angst and anxiety, but it’s something I’m working on.
I hope you had a nice Thursday yourself! At least it’s nearly the weekend time!
Wow 7 weeks of exploring….that’s incredible, I’m jealous! I hope you have the most wonderful experience.
As for V Day, I don’t put much time into it either and I would have been mortified to ever receive anything at work – I agree, it has always been commercial and insincere in a way, so I’m not at a loss for the day itself. It was more the reminder that my colleague had what I thought I would have one day, a husband who loves here at home and it’s afraid to embarrass himself with the cliché that is V Day. I just felt lonely I guess, but the day passed quickly as I had my course after work and it was so intense but I really like. I was exhausted last night!
I’ll hold my hands up and say I needed the security because I think I have an insecure attachment style. I actually like to hear the words I love you or for someone to show me regularly that they are thinking about me….and I know that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I’ve discussed it with my therapist, it’s something I’m working on. However, if I have insecure attachment style, he very much had avoidant attachment style. He could not make future plans. About anything.
We never spoke about where we would be in 5 years time. Whenever I brought it up in a non-accusatory and non-confrontational away about my age etc, he would sort of freak out. He was always very afraid. So he said he didn’t want to get married. That hurt. He did talk about having kids and how we would raise them, but these mentions were few and far between and while the odd time he would give way to the idea, more times he admitted he was very scared of the responsibility of having children.
To be honest, I would settled in the end for even just living together as a step towards some sort of commitment. I spent months looking for properties to rent, but he always seemed reticent for any suggestions I made. It became frustrating. He would have said he wanted a place with me, but then his actions didn’t follow the words.
Essentially I think if he looked deep inside himself, he would find that he did want all those things. I genuinely don’t know another guy who deserves to be happy and have a family more, it’s hard to explain, but he just had it….the vibe….the whatever, he would have been a great Dad. Anyway, fantasising aside, he ended the relationship in the end. He found it too hard. He said he wasn’t sure if he’s cut out to be in a relationship and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone.
I saw this as fear and as I explore it more with my therapist, I’m gaining more insight and it seems to be a combination of fear and an attachment to his family of origin, leaving no room for a life with me. It just makes me sad because he STILL doesn’t know what he wants. With anything..in life in general. Before Christmas when we met, he said he’s still trying to figure it out, but he can’t figure out what will make him happy. It’s my belief he’s too scared (for whatever reason) to even explore that. My therapist says he has chosen to not try and that’s as far as he can go. I have grown over these past years, he has not. Because trust me when I say, I WAS MY EX, for many many years. I didn’t let anyone in and had zero vision for a future. I just plodded along and figured I’d end up where I’d end up. But I found therapy and opened my heart to love and then I began to change, to grow.
Anyway, I thought earlier this week, i would meet up with him and try to talk. But as the weekend approaches, I feel I won’t. This happens regularly. I’d love to say it’s because I know better, but if I’m honest, it’s probably just fear on my own part!
Hope you’re doing okay. Let me know if you need anything at all. xFebruary 15, 2019 at 2:27 am #280273
Good morning all,
Apologies once again for not participating as much as I would like, nothing is shifting on my end unfortunately. Seems I have become more helpless, hopeless to do anything at all and my depression in combination with everything has really made me hit rock bottom now. I’m back to working and bed, unable to even find the strength to bathe myself or anything else for that matter. I had a bit of a clash of opinions with my mother yesterday which resulted in me splurting out everything, my depression, PTSD and everything else which I feel she’s unable to understand just as I am unable to properly explain to her so it’s not looking great. My sister also knows but has been very supportive. I’m going away for the weekend as I don’t really fancy being at home, and I will be looking for my flat in the oncoming weeks as I think I just want and need to be on my own in this time.
It has been tough now for some weeks and this feeling is really not shifting. Not quite sure how to move forward on this end. I feel I don’t have a safe and comfortable place to be right now and instead I am looking for ways out or to run away by staying with friends or going away so I think a flat right now is the ideal time so that I can be on my own and comfortable.
It’s a strange one because I feel I lost myself trying to please everyone else and now i’m loosing everyone as I attempt to find myself again.
I really hope you ladies are doing well! Sorry I’ve been a bit rubbish lately!February 15, 2019 at 5:13 am #280281
You’re working. Well done. There are plenty others who would not continue working – me being one of them – but you still are. So take that as a survival instinct – buried deep perhaps, but still there. This is a rotten place to be, I know, but whatever you are telling yourself now about this lasting forever and what you’re feeling, it’s not true. Remember what Michelle and I have said before, when negativity grips you, it gains power from the more you feed it.
When I spiralled my Dad broke the cycle that day and brought me to the supermarket, when I spiralled again while my sister was away, she told me on the phone that I had to do something myself, I just had to take half a step forward for myself. So i put on some trainers and went for a walk, even though I felt like dying, even though I didn’t want to, I did it and that teeny tiny step helped me loosen the grip of the spiral.
Try and keep going to your counsellor if you can and I know you mentioned you might visit your GP too so hopefully that will let you see out off the forest. Have a shower tonight, even if you feel like ‘meh’, or want to put on pyjamas and not do anything, try the shower. Just let the warm water pour over you for as long as you need. Just let is rinse away the heavy burden you have been shouldering for so long, just let the water run. I promise you won’t regret it. I absolutely promise you that, even if it does nothing at all, it won’t make you worse.
I feel very much like you at the moment, where I need my own space. To just close the door in the evening and be myself and not have to deal with anyone or anything, but that can come in time. I know I’ll eventually find my place. However, the support of others can be so important. Keep your sister in the loop and let her support you when she can.
Regarding your mum, think of it from her perspective. She knew nothing of your struggle….and then all of a sudden in a shock announcement you describe depression, PTSD etc…it’s a lot to take in. So let me tell you about my Dad. He does NOT understand anxiety. Like…at all. He really doesn’t understand how people can’t just get up and get out and keep themselves busy. YET….he doesn’t really need to know the ins and outs of the affliction to help me. He knows sometimes I feel sad, sometimes worried with an upset tummy and he does what he can in those times in his own basic way to help me. He’ll talk and say ‘I don’t know much about all this therapy lark and why you’d pay money to someone to tell you what I can tell you and all this anxiety stuff, but I do know you’ll be ok. Get up and out and go for a walk and see how you feel’….in that way, he helps. He says the wrong things at times, but I don’t use it as a barrier to our relationship. I internally roll my eyes and think, I’m glad in a way he doesn’t have a good knowledge of anxiety because it means he’s not acquainted with it himself.
Over time, your Mum will start to understand bits and pieces, but remember she’s not you. She may not be a highly sensitive person, she may not be as curious about reading up on things like this, so we have to accept what level other people can understand. It doesn’t mean she can’t be there for you. Tell her sometimes that your sad, or that you’re feeling low today and could use a cuppa or a walk with her, that may be enough.
Plus we are all here for you and I very much care about your wellbeing, so you are most certainly not alone.February 15, 2019 at 5:43 am #280287
Yes, I don’t know how but I have managed to continue going to work. Mind you, the last few days I have been unable to focus on anything at work and in fact was in tears only yesterday and opted hiding in the loo’s before I settled myself so my colleagues didn’t notice.. although quite a few have thrown the odd comment ‘hey is everything okay? You’ve not been yourself lately..’ I just brush it off with a smile and the usual I’m fine! Don’t get me wrong, work is the last place I want to be and it is a real struggle to get myself here everyday BUT I am aware that if I stop going things will only get worse and I definitely don’t want that to happen so I guess in a way it is the lesser of two evils?
I remember the story about your dad. He sounds somewhat similar to my mum. She doesn’t quite get it, maybe she doesn’t see my trauma as a good enough reason to actually be suffering this much? Who knows.. My mum is very very loving and compassionate BUT it seems this is beyond her. She does come from a background in which herself and even her mother (my grandma) have had a tough upbringing, affected by war at the time etc which probably hardened them to the realities of life today. Maybe she’s just struggling to accept that I am struggling? Maybe she’s not quite coping with this revelation knowing that they’re leaving in about 4/5 months and I will be here alone? I honestly wouldn’t know as I haven’t had that conversation with her nor do I wish to so I can only assume. I do however feel like it has created a strange atmosphere at home for the time being which I guess i anticipated for a while, hence why I didn’t mention this to anyone for so long… in any case, this pushes me even more to get out and want my own four walls.. Financially having worked things out its going to be okay, I hope, although I obviously wont be living quite as comfortably as I am now but maybe the peace of mind, privacy and alone time will be worth it. All in all, I think I just want out all together if im honest. I’d love to just run away and start a new life somewhere else.
You mention wanting some of your own space also. Have you thought any more about a career change recently?February 15, 2019 at 10:26 am #280339
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Kkasxo,</p>
I do want space – a little corner of the world to call my own and close the door and not expect anyone and where I can just be. Sometimes I dream of flying away and starting a new life but my heart and head go where I go, so no escaping them!
I can imagine there is a weird feeling at home for you. Here’s why. You, my dear, are growing. From everything you have been through, you have gained more insight and are seeing sides to yourself you didn’t even know existed until recently. Growth means change and MOST people do not like change. It is something to be fearful of for most and and inconvenience at best for others. Your family are used to you putting them first (not consciously), of ‘being strong and never complaining much’, so this is new for them. They are off kilter. This is what growth is- it jars the status quo.
Nowadays I’m a bit better at putting myself first when I need to and let me tell you, the reaction from those around me has really opened my eyes. Many people I love want me to be happy, but they themselves don’t like too much change, so my growth is irking them a little, but baby steps and they get used to it.
You’re not doing what you have done your whole life anymore. You are doing something new. You are allowing your heart and mind to fall, the way you need to, rather than putting in a brave front and pushing it aside. It’s like a Monica closet, keep stuffing stuff in there and eventually it’ll all come tumbling out.
You’re human. With a depth of emotion and just because you’re now at a point where the culmination of your life experience thus far has taken a heavy toll on you, it is just one stage of your story. There is much more to come. Yep, you might look back on this and say 2018/19 was the period when I was in huge depression, but you’ll improve. It takes work and time, but it is most definitely possible. I’ve seen it.
As for me, I have started the night school make up course and it’s super intense actually, but I’m enjoying it and I’m so busy with it, I don’t think about anything else while in class. So that runs until summer so I’m not gonna make any career change before then as I still need to keep a stable income for the duration. But I have theoretical ideas about OZ in the autumn, but I’m a wimp so they may stay ideas forever.
I’m now home and have the house to myself and a fire on and sweatpants and I don’t intend to move this evening! When are you going away?February 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm #280499
Shelby, thanks for sharing. An insecure style with an avoidant style was always going to be…..difficult to say the least. Admitting and working on your own insecurity is a big step, well done for being brave and dealing with it. I had to go through something similar to get to where I am now and I can tell you it’s so worth it. My ‘ah-hah’ moment was working through the difference between wanting to hear “I love you”, which is absolutely fine as a style vs needing to hear it to feel better about myself when I was low/more insecure, which is obviously not so good. Accepting responsibility for my own emotions was the key for me. Sounds like you are well down that path. And equally, I’d agree with you and your therapist, it sounds like your ex doesn’t even want to start on the path, through fear outweighing the rewards (you!) for doing so. You have every right to be sad and angry at that but eventually it just needs accepting for what it is. Absolutely, actions speak way louder than words – not even wanting to live together let alone discuss anything further down the line speaks volumes. I mean, seriously, what was he expecting, that you’d just continue to date forever?!? Which is fine if that’s what you both wanted but yes, you’ve effectively outgrown him and that’s what is making you scared of accepting that change and the consequences it brings. Conquering your fear of change is going to be key to all this for you. Btw, Oz in Autumn sounds awesome – some friends of mine just got back from there, it looks amazing. Book it, use it as a landmark challenge!
Both – yes, it’s hard when people you love don’t necessarily ‘get it’ and think you should be better by now. Especially the older generation, it was much more common practice to not deal with emotional issues because the practical issues of putting food on the table and having a roof over your head took up all your time. There is something to be said for having demands on you that don’t give you the ‘luxury’ of time to dwell and ruminate which means you tend to cope better in the short-term but I do think in the long-term it’s clearly healthier to deal with it & grow. I think the thing is to continue to try to share, it can be tempting to run away and hide in our own corner, becoming more isolated otherwise. But to recognise you will not always get the response you need – it can be hard for parents to not know how to help their children when they hate seeing them in pain.
Ah Kkasxo, how many times have I had to do the old ‘hide in the loos and wait for my face not to be bright red obvious I’ve been crying’ thing. How I wanted to be one of those delicate criers! I’m sorry though, it sucks. We’ve all been there, you do get through it. Hoping you have that appointment sorted with your doctor – I know it’s not great to have to go talk this through with a stranger but I do think they will be able to help you get the lift you need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is how I’ve heard others who suffer with depression describe it. Think about it like a physical pain – if you had a broken leg you would not think for an instant about not getting it set in plaster to repair it. Depression is no different, it needs the right combination of therapy and treatment to work through and heal. We just aren’t used to thinking about it in the same way and even admitting depression can still be seen as a weakness by many, whereas actually it’s a strength in recognising the need to change.February 17, 2019 at 10:11 am #280535
I think the unpredictability of everything that bothers me most at the moment. So basically earlier last week, I honestly felt like breaking down in public, I missed him so much and tortured myself with thoughts of him moving on with someone else. This weekend I’m completely fine. Now, whether that means I’m in denial, I don’t know, but I don’t like not understanding what’s going on.
I see now that our different attachment styles most certainly did not mesh together in a practical way. I guess I felt that because I acknowledge mine and am willing to work on it, he could have done the same. But right now I have a reprieve from wanting to contact him, so I’ll take it.
My sister is due any day now, so I’m a bit on edge waiting for the call at any moment. I can’t wait till baby arrives, hopefully healthy and happy.
I hope you are enjoying new experiences every day. The travel option is certainly becoming more prominent in my mind.February 18, 2019 at 8:30 am #280607
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
Emotions really are a rollercoaster. It’s so unfathomable to me why one day I feel relatively positive and okay and the next I’m lost and sad and needing to retreat.
@kkasxo, how are you doing? I hope the weekend went okay for youFebruary 18, 2019 at 8:35 am #280611
I’m ‘meh’ hehe, my favourite phrase at the moment!
How are you feeling? I think the up and down of the emotions are normal in your instance. Are you finding at all that the positive days/moments are lasting a little longer? I saw you mentioned a potential trip to OZ in the summer… I mean that in itself is pretty incredible, making a future plan like that! Even considering it is great work!