Dear Alicia:

You wrote that you are “not really exceptional at anything”-

you don’t have to be exceptional. At anything. Except at being you. I understand you don’t necessarily know what it means to be you (you used to, when you were a very young child), but you have a sense of it, deep inside, of what it means to be you. Need to unearth it.

To be you, beyond what looks like, to you, at least, as a nose that is too big and a chin that is too small or a body that is weird.

When you look in the mirror, you already have that belief that your nose is too big, so you look at your reflection and you focus on that nose, and it looks bigger than it is. Look at your reflection and try to shift your focus to your whole face and see it in the background of what is around your face. Look at your face not thinking about your nose. This may give you a more realistic view of your nose in the context of your face. And the background. This is what other people see because unless they heard of your concern, they don’t focus on your nose. They see the whole face, in the background. Their focus is elsewhere.

When you walk by people, most do not see you. Most likely no one is thinking that you have a weird body. Again, they do not focus on your body proportions if at all they notice you. Their focus is elsewhere. Some of them focus on how they may look to you, what you think of their looks.

While you are focusing on your looks.

Will you share more about your relationship with your parents, past and present, what may be relevant to your anxiety?

anita

Dear Alicia:

I think that you having been spanked and yelled at by your parents is relevant to your anxiety. It is not uncommon to be spanked and yelled at, unfortunately for so many of us. But it scares a child every time it happens. And so, anxiety is as common as yelling and spanking.

Aggression at home, exercised by a parent against a child leads a child to experience anxiety. Bullying in school is more aggression and more anxiety.

Next, we look in the mirror and give ourselves a hard time, for having a nose too big (a concern of mine, by the way, has been anyway), and so we direct aggression against ourselves.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be safe of aggression by minimizing it in our lives best we can, stay away from people who are aggressive to us, not availing ourselves to aggressive people, and then, wouldn’t it be a way better way to live, to not be aggressive toward ourselves, to not continue this tradition of aggression?

anita

Dear Alicia:

You wrote that your parents weren’t intentionally hurting you. Do you mean that when they spanked you, they were not aware that you were hurting as a result of being spanked? Or that when they yelled at you, they were not aware that it scared you?

If that is the case, I wonder how can they have forgotten how it felt to them when they were yelled at, or spanked. Do you have any idea how can that be?

anita

Dear Alicia:

Your parents didn’t starve you and didn’t spank you with shoes or a switch. But they harmed you nonetheless. I hope that one day, when you are a parent, if you choose to be one, that you will not yell or spank your children at all (except at moments of real emergency, as in yelling: stop! if a child is about to cross a busy street)

Well, they turned out fine, they say. Not fine enough to not harm their own child. And again, their practice was harmful and common, and so there are many millions of anxious people, like you.

You wrote you can’t simply get rid of anxiety, true. How about psychotherapy? Is there a way that your parents will pay for such, for you, arrange for it?

anita

Dear Alicia:

Maybe free of charge to you therapy is available for you, something to look at. Maybe a very, very small fee per session is possible to find…? There may also be support groups available for you, places you go to and meet with people your age who struggle with anxiety as well, there you can share your feelings with others in a safe, respectful setting as well as share resources available.

There are plenty of guided meditations available on line, to practice and relax into daily. Aerobic exercise, daily, making a routine of it is also helpful. A daily routine in itself helps with anxiety, incorporating exercise and guided meditations into it.

There are articles or blogs on the home page of this website on the matter. And there are many threads on the subject on record, in these forums. Not to mention books in libraries and articles otherwise.

Of course, one has to discern and not believe everything on print is true just because it is in a book.

How about researching therapy, free or almost free therapy?

anita