fbpx
Menu

I need help

HomeForumsTough TimesI need help

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #198729
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Okay I don’t know how to start at this, but I’m sorta going through tough times right now.

    So I’ve dealt with anxiety for quite a while, probably since middle school. Although it reached it’s peak in high school, leading me to dread getting up every morning and worrying about the insignificant things. Besides my anxiety, I’ve also had issues with self confidence, as my self esteem was/is essentially non existent. I had days where I felt I look fine, maybe great, but it was overshadowed by the other days I felt uncomfortable with how I looked.

    Anyways, these issues I thought would eventually die down (or be more manageable), since I thought the whole school environment was the main trigger. It’s something I figured only because of past experiences at school that definitely weren’t pleasant. Yet, I graduated high school last year and the situation is basically the same. While I don’t necessarily dread the mornings now, I do have a bit of a hard time getting ready for the day. I often lack the energy and I guess motivation, to do pretty simple stuff that I planned on doing for the day. When it comes to my anxiety, I still do get anxious in public especially in crowded places. Just like before, I still struggle with making eye contact with people and etc. My self esteem is the same as before too. It’s actually gotten to the point where I have these little freak outs and just start crying because of how I look. I feel like nothing is improving my appearance and that I’m still gross looking.

    What isn’t helping is how some of my friends/family don’t understand how I feel. Regarding my anxiety, some of them think it’s something I should just get rid of. As if it’s simple as snapping my fingers and then I could be like everyone else. Regarding how I look, they do talk about how however I see myself is just in my head. Like whenever I see a big nose and a small chin and a weird body, they tell me I look fine and try to reassure me. It’s all very confusing to me. I feel like it’s either I’m ugly and they’re lying to not hurt me. Or maybe I exaggerate my features when it’s not that bad. I’m hoping it’s the second one, though.

    I’d say the most annoying part of all this is how I feel rushed to just move on and already do something with my life. Like one of my friends already has plans of us moving somewhere else and going to college. While my parents (mainly my dad) wants me to already get a job or go to college. Meanwhile I have these issues, and on top of that, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have no talents because I’m not really exceptional at anything to be honest. And I don’t have goals because I don’t know what they would be. I’m probably over thinking everything, but I don’t know. I just feel lost and kind of alone, and not knowing what to do with everything.

    #198775
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    You wrote that you are “not really exceptional at anything”-

    you don’t have to be exceptional. At anything. Except at being you. I understand you don’t necessarily know what it means to be you (you used to, when you were a very young child), but you have a sense of it, deep inside, of what it means to be you. Need to unearth it.

    To be you, beyond what looks like, to you, at least, as a nose that is too big and a chin that is too small or a body that is weird.

    When you look in the mirror, you already have that belief that your nose is too big, so you look at your reflection and you focus on that nose, and it looks bigger than it is. Look at your reflection and try to shift your focus to your whole face and see it in the background of what is around your face. Look at your face not thinking about your nose. This may give you a more realistic view of your nose in the context of your face. And the background. This is what other people see because unless they heard of your concern, they don’t focus on your nose. They see the whole face, in the background. Their focus is elsewhere.

    When you walk by people, most do not see you. Most likely no one is thinking that you have a weird body. Again, they do not focus on your body proportions if at all they notice you. Their focus is elsewhere. Some of them focus on how they may look to you, what you think of their looks.

    While you are focusing on your looks.

    Will you share more about your relationship with your parents, past and present, what may be relevant to your anxiety?

    anita

    #198813
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think I understand what you mean, while my focus is on specific features I don’t like, people actually focus on my face itself. I guess I figured since it’s such a big deal to me, it would be a huge deal from the perspective of someone else.

    My relationship with my parents is fine. Well, in the past they were a little too strict for my liking. They got frustrated easily and resorted to yelling or spanking, though that mainly occurred with my dad. What annoys me about it, is the fact that I wasn’t that much of a rebellious kid. I’ve known people who would cuss at their parents, try to run away, and things of that nature. Yet, they weren’t really spanked or yelled at. Now my parents are more lenient and since I’m older, I don’t get spanked. Though there’s still some restrictions such as: no swearing, no dating, etc. Besides the stupid restrictions, I’d say I’m on good terms with my mom. We get into fights sometimes over stupid stuff, but that’s it. She still listens to me and tries to understand me, and makes the most effort out of everyone in my family. My dad, is just a different story. We don’t have much in common and I feel like I try harder to be close with him. Plus he’s too stubborn and there’s certain stuff I couldn’t say without him getting uptight.

    What would be relevant to my anxiety would be how I was bullied in elementary. Also in middle school and high school there were a few small incidents where people would bother me or try to make me uncomfortable purposely. Which sucked majorly, but oh well.

    #198841
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    I think that you having been spanked and yelled at by your parents is relevant to your anxiety. It is not uncommon to be spanked and yelled at, unfortunately for so many of us. But it scares a child every time it happens. And so, anxiety is as common as yelling and spanking.

    Aggression at home, exercised by a parent against a child leads a child to experience anxiety. Bullying in school is more aggression and more anxiety.

    Next, we look in the mirror and give ourselves a hard time, for having a nose too big (a concern of mine, by the way, has been anyway), and so we direct aggression against ourselves.

    Wouldn’t it be nice to be safe of aggression by minimizing it in our lives best we can, stay away from people who are aggressive to us, not availing ourselves to aggressive people, and then, wouldn’t it be a way better way to live, to not be aggressive toward ourselves, to not continue this tradition of aggression?

    anita

    #198879
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s weird because I didn’t really think of it that way.  I know those experiences of being spanked or yelled at were a bit frightening in the moment, but I didn’t see it as a contributor to my anxiety. What you also said about people being aggressive to me and in result, I’m aggressive to myself is also something I never thought of. I guess all these years, I’ve been projecting how people treated me and treated myself that way.

    I’m glad I’m gone from school and don’t have to be around the people who treated me horribly. And while, I’m still with my parents and I forgive them because they weren’t intentionally hurting me, I think it would’ve been better if I wasn’t spanked or yelled at when I was younger.

    #198957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    You wrote that your parents weren’t intentionally hurting you. Do you mean that when they spanked you, they were not aware that you were hurting as a result of being spanked? Or that when they yelled at you, they were not aware that it scared you?

    If that is the case, I wonder how can they have forgotten how it felt to them when they were yelled at, or spanked. Do you have any idea how can that be?

    anita

    #198983
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’d say when they spanked or yelled at me, they saw it as more of a consequence to whatever I did or said. They weren’t aware of any emotional damage it could inflict on me, though it seemed obvious that I was scared in the moment. Since I would cry or try to run away or talk them out of it. Like I said, it is still different from parents who knowingly strike their kids or starve them or that type of thing.

    They didn’t forget how it felt to them when they were yelled at or spanked, because when they used to do it, they’d remind me of how they had it worst as kids. And it seems like they did, since they got yelled at and spanked with shoes or a “switch”. So in their mind, even though their treatment was worse, in the long run it was fine since they turned out fine.

    #198985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    Your parents didn’t starve you and didn’t spank you with shoes or a switch. But they harmed you nonetheless. I hope that one day, when you are a parent, if you choose to be one, that you will not yell or spank your children at all (except at moments of real emergency, as in yelling: stop! if a child is about to cross a busy street)

    Well, they turned out fine, they say. Not fine enough to not harm their own child. And again, their practice was harmful and common, and so there are many millions of anxious people, like you.

    You wrote you can’t simply get rid of anxiety, true. How about psychotherapy? Is there a way that your parents will pay for such, for you, arrange for it?

    anita

    #198999
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    That’s true. I mean even though they didn’t actually starve me or things of that nature, they shouldn’t have spanked me or yelled at me. It’s sad because it seems that it is a cycle since they spanked me, their parents spanked them, etc. Though for sure, if I ever have kids I’d never yell at them or anything unless in a moment of emergency. I’d want that cycle to end.

    I also think my parents couldn’t afford it, considering the situation. Like my dad is the only one with a job in our house, and he is kinda tight with money. Unless he spends it on essentials or stuff he buys for himself. I don’t have a job yet, only because of my anxiety/insecurities. Though in the meantime, I’m trying to go out more and have been applying for part time jobs like pet or house sitting. It is difficult because this is the time where I’m expected to get education, jobs, and be out there. I do want to have a social life, possibly go to college, etc, but my anxiety is one of the main things holding me back.

    #199003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    Maybe free of charge to you therapy is available for you, something to look at. Maybe a very, very small fee per session is possible to find…? There may also be support groups available for you, places you go to and meet with people your age who struggle with anxiety as well, there you can share your feelings with others in a safe, respectful setting as well as share resources available.

    There are plenty of guided meditations available on line, to practice and relax into daily. Aerobic exercise, daily, making a routine of it is also helpful. A daily routine in itself helps with anxiety, incorporating exercise and guided meditations into it.

    There are articles or blogs on the home page of this website on the matter. And there are many threads on the subject on record, in these forums. Not to mention books in libraries and articles otherwise.

    Of course, one has to discern and not believe everything on print is true just because it is in a book.

    How about researching therapy, free or almost free therapy?

    anita

    #199005
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #199011
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’ll definitely check into all of that, because support groups have never been my thing, though I’d give it a try. It would be comforting to talk with people who are in the same or similar situation as me.

    As for exercise, I don’t really exercise now but I’ll start to since it’ll help my health and my mind. All these suggestions and just the advice itself has been so helpful and I’ll definitely make more of an effort to learn more about my anxiety and how to deal with it. I honestly appreciate you for responding.

    #199015
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alicia:

    You are welcome and do  return to your thread anytime. I will be glad to respond if you choose to share more of your thoughts and feelings as well as your experience with any of the things you will be looking into.

    Regarding exercise, I take a long walk outdoors every day, a bit over an hour. Taking a fast walk for 20 minutes, thirty minutes is good enough, I think. Fast enough walking is my favorite aerobic exercise because it is way safer than running, not likely to injure the body and it has all the benefits of running. Also, walking is free.

    anita

    #199191
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Aw thanks again. And yea walking is the best, it’s relaxing and free like you said lol.

    #199201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Alicia.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.