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My suffering doesn't make sense

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #199231
    Gaia
    Participant

    Hi, I’m almost 20 years-old girl and the reason I’m writing here now is because I needed to get this inner turmoil out of my chest, althought it might seem ridicolous or pointless, and because I needed desperately a detached perspective, since I’m not in the position of being able to get therapy. I’m almost 20, but I know that my life til now and my self has been insignificant and nonsensical. I suffer from anxiety and obsessive thinking since 16 and althought I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, now I really wish I could go back on suffering on intrusive thoughts rather than being trapped in this nasty and frightening identity crisis/anxiety/obsessing/burnout cycle I’m endlessly going through. I watch my friends and they have a stable sense of who they are, they go on doing the ordinary stuff one does at 20 (dating, worrying on studying or finding a job etc) instead I feel defective, because I know I am defective since I feel an alien, my concerns are about coming up every day on an idea of path I should take, establishing who I am since my life experiences til now revolve around dwelling internally on low self-esteem and negative thoughts, fantasizing and “finding myself”, ironically, the more I try to find myself, the more lost I get. Most people in my life know about my anxiety issues, but they think I’ve outgrown that instead the truth is I’ve fucked up myself and my growth, I wished so much I could make my life flourish and stop feeling like my set of problems and concerns are so alien from everyone else’s. Even when I surf the web searching for anxiety or depersonalized people suffering like me, to find me some comfort, I still feel alien because sometimes I have a hard fucking time discerning if what I’m feeling or fearing is genuinely mine or not, I feel like a splitted person in which the outside me is the one everyone can see while internally lies the “real” fucked up me, who althought introspective, has no fucking clue on who’s she going to be, what the hell she’s going through and that seems not to fit anywhere because the only true trait she has is being VOLATILE and “able” to identify with everything, well I’m sick with that, I want to live, I want to have a stable self and stop panicking whether my affections, thoughts and every fucking thing about me are authentic or not, I question every fucking tiny thing and I no loner know what’s real and what’s not. I know this ain’t a medical place but I had to let it off, my life feels like a joke, I am a joke, I can’t trust myself and what I fear and everytime I think something inherently wrong may be the case with me I panic so hard, I’m tired of feeling defective but I’m trapped cause everytime I try to help myself I let myself down and I can’t share thing thing with no one else really

    #199233
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaia:

    I agree: your suffering doesn’t make sense. My suffering at your age and before your age… and after didn’t make sense either in that there was no purpose to it. It wasn’t right or just. It shouldn’t have been. It didn’t make my life better, didn’t teach me anything.

    I too felt like an alien. I thought everyone else was normal and I was abnormal, a weird thing, something wrong, strange.

    I didn’t know what I was, other than that I was something bizarre and unacceptable. I tried to be somebody else and I escaped best I could into day dreaming and make believe, but I was stuck being what I believed was an undesirable thing, that thing looking back at me in the mirror.

    Will you tell me more about your home life, your experience at home, with your parent/s?

    anita

    #199235
    Gaia
    Participant

    it’s weird because I had a overall smooth home life, in the sense not Always the happiest but.. who does? Nothing truly remarkable, so why am I like this? I had a ordinary relationship with my parents, we don’t Always agree on stuff and more often that not I feel like their values aren’t necessarily my own values and sometimes I do feel trapped because still somehow I value a lot their opinion of me, althought I don’t Always share with them what goes on in my mind, cause quite frankly no one understands a lot and my mom, she’s caring and hardworking, but extra-sensitive and somewhat victimist, I don’t like a lot to share those things with her cause later, I feel like I have to comfort her too besides myself, it’s exhausting. But now, that we established that my suffering doesn’t make sense and that I can establish myself as a freak, should I got stuck  like this all my life? Oh well

    #199237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaia:

    I can relate to having an “extra-sensitive and somewhat victimist” mother.  Will you tell me how she expressed that extra sensitivity and victimist attitude (it will be interesting to compare your experience with that to mine, which I will share with you,  if you’d like)

    anita

    #199239
    Gaia
    Participant

    with victimist I intended that she’s somehow easily offended and emotional, but still nothing major, that’s the way she is, a “flaw” of hers

    #199241
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Gaia:

    She was or is easily offended by you as well, correct? By others and by you?

    anita

    #199243
    Gaia
    Participant

    I’d say she doesn’t take critics quite well, simply

    #199245
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaia:

    My mother used to be easily offended by me. It made me feel very badly. Because I loved her so very much and when she told me I made her sad, when she let me know I made her suffer, I felt terrible. I did not intend to make her suffer. I wanted her happy more than anything.

    It made me feel that I was a bad little person, to hurt my own mother. I was afraid to hurt her again, afraid, anxious.

    anita

    #199275
    Gaia
    Participant

    Are you still feeling bad about yourself ? Or have things changed

    #199307
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaia:

    Things are changing for me, still in the process of changing. The change for me started in my first good psychotherapy seven years ago. That was only the beginning. I didn’t know a lot of things then that I know now. And tomorrow I will know something I don’t know now.

    I will explain a bit: I was a very anxious child, had OCD very early in life and that was very difficult to have, to do all those rituals, all day long, it seems. I felt very guilty for causing my mother great suffering. I didn’t know then, but I know now, looking back that I believed I was a bad person. Also, inadequate and very unacceptable, the freak in a world of normal people. I didn’t know what choices to make when I was your age, before and after. Had no idea what was authentic for me, how to be.

    Now I know I was not born abnormal and there was nothing wrong with me. I now know that the abnormal things about me, the OCD for one (I don’t think I qualify for the diagnosis anymore), was not something I was born to have, some fault or freakiness, but a consequence of growing up with a very distressing mother. A mother is a very powerful being for a child.

    Let me know if you want me to share more, and if so, what would that be.

    anita

     

     

    #199309
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * testing

    #199319
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #199323
    Gaia
    Participant

    I think something that affected me deeply were the not so positive social experiences in my teen years, I’ve Always considered myself adventurous and open-minded, it frustrated me a lot to be stuck with friends who didn’t value the same things or didn’t want to try something new or risk, now it may sound like I’m acting like a victim or blaming Others but it’s since I’m 14 I feel stuck and stagnant in a life that it’s not like I want and I can never find a solution to that, it makes me depressed. I felt somehow rejected by people I wanted to befriend, I’m social but sometimes I feel like an outcast or unable to really shine, like instead some Others do effortlessly.

    #199327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Gaia:

    “Others do effortlessly”- it only seems like it. You only know of your thoughts 24/7 (when not in a dreamless sleep, that is), you know your struggles. You see others, you don’t “hear” their thoughts, experiencing their feelings, when they are alone, when they close their eyes at night or wake up in the morning, and all in between. You see them smile, act confidently perhaps, and you think they are always like that, correct? As if their thoughts are always.. proper, or right. Not the case.

    Do you believe then, having read your recent post, that your problems originated at 14, not before, and in the context of relationships with peers, not at home, in the relationships with your parent/s?

    anita

    #199331
    Gaia
    Participant

    look don’t know.. i Always felt somehow sensible and “different” but i’m personally convinced that problems excerbated in teen years, in which I’ve brought myself a negativity that’s fucking hard to let go of.

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