Menu

Gaia

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 158 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #338686

    Gaia
    Participant

    I still can’t shake my fear that I may be having a heart attack or die in any minute. I keep having chest pains and sometimes arms numbing that make me freak out, now I’m also feeling random shivers inside my head and I’m concerned about a stroke.

    #338666

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Tonight it hit me the awareness that trying to change or help my mind is useless or futile, only meds can do that. And that’s because it’s not what happens in my life that makes me so negative, it’s my own mind making me so negative and everything so shitty and unbearable. Yes I know you may say “that’s what we’ve been saying since forever, do you realize it now?” Before, I only knew it logically, now I know it.

    I think I should just stop paying attention to my mind altogether. It’s damaged beyond my own power, and nope I don’t say it in a dramatic, self loathing way, but it truly is damaged, it’s like the metaphor you once used about a zone full of bombs ready to explode at every minute, it’s just beyond my control and will to change, after all, no one chooses to suffer

    Whenever I have emotional reactions inappropriate for the situation, or crazy fantasies that leave me disturbed over and over again, or disturbing thoughts, that’s my mind.

    #338318

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Sometimes something happens that leaves me concerned. It hits me out of the blue that I don’t remember what I did a few minutes ago, for example I had to go downstairs and check something but after being back upstairs I don’t recall if I ever went downstairs at all or just stop on the ladder and went up back (I say this because when I’m very engrossed in mental scenarios I need to move and run around so I often do this)

    #338264

    Gaia
    Participant

    Yes it’s true that no one ever has done 100% healing, that’s impossible. Stuff in life is always happening. By the way yeah it’s true, Donald Trump is a big obnoxious bully and the right wing politicians in Italy aren’t that different. Right wing oppressive mentality and politics enrage me deeply and activism (especially Feminism) is something that interests me, so much I joined a feminist group in my University.

    I’m glad to hear that your social interactions are no longer a nightmare. I wonder what is like, to feel heard, valued, seen. To truly make solid relationships and friendships.

    #338248

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I wonder… How is life going for you post-healing? Are you feeling more fulfilled/whole compared to when you were in your 20s?

    And especially, what about social anxiety? Do you feel your social interactions are more fulfilling now? Do you feel seen/heard?

    #338172

    Gaia
    Participant

    By the way today is a very sad day to me, 14th February. I’m working on accepting this negativity and telling myself that it’s a capitalistic day that puts anxiety and sadness and feelings of loneliness on many people and that what I’m feeling is influenced by what society dictates as normal and not, but it saddens me a lot to feel so alone today. I’m going in City to buy some good books if the weather is good.

    Sometimes I definitely think I’m made to be in relationship, having a significant other and intimacy on many levels, so it’s not that I want a partner just to fit in, it goes deeper than that. What enrages me is that life seems to keep me stuck or deprived of it while for many others life is very generous. You know, sometimes I feel that the beautiful things of life like relationships, travelings, fun and passions skip me all the time and I’m only left with depression, anxiety, boredom or loss

    I’m writing this keeping in mind of the very negative filter of my mind and of my feelings so I’m letting you know I’m also being objective of myself

    #338168

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The emotional dysregulation fits me perfectly, as you too said. I agree that my mother, being herself also very emotionally dysregulated (and my father too, with his being avoidant) modulated emotional dysregulation on me too. This definitely makes sense. Now I’m re-studying a little your own posts about emotional regulation and how to cope with mindfulness, SSTOP, observing etc etc

    #338034

    Gaia
    Participant

    dear Anita

    It seems like we both were typing at the same time. I just received your last post about emotional disregulation so I’m going to read it and reply later on

    #338024

    Gaia
    Participant

    By the way, yes I like that last way of responding, to be fully honest, I feel it’s the only normal one

    Also for me you’re free to add personal stuff or stuff about your life pain and healing that you think have common points with what I say

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Gaia.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Gaia.
    #338020

    Gaia
    Participant

    No i don’t want you to have to repeat yourself, I just wanted to keep this (almost) daily thread going, yes it’s very nice to have a place to vent or have someone to express this venting or thoughts to but what I would like for you is just to add whatever you want to add or ponder whatever you want to ponder with me. If this thread has turned too burdening or heavy I can understand it, after all I am a stranger and you aren’t required to keep it going, I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to reply to me or pay attention to me.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Gaia.
    #338008

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I’d rather have this conversation going forward without “mirroring”, so, like a normal conversation where you can freely say your opinion or perspective like you did at the beginning of the thread or when I shared my incidents with heaters, rude guys and general inner ups and downs. Obviously, if you’re willing and interested in doing so and obviously keeping in mind the work I need to do to accept and integrate the reality of my childhood based on your analysis and what I’ve shared with you.

    That is means, I’m willing to actively integrate your analysis, even when it comes to simple everyday considerations or events like the one I posted 1 hour ago

    #337998

    Gaia
    Participant

    This evening I had dinner with my mother and generally it hits me how sad and hurting it is how much I’ve drifted away from her, our bond is so detached now but this applies to most of the people I was close to as well. Once (maybe it’s normal for very young people) I could define myself as someone very close friend or my mother child, my family’s member. I feel detached and undefined by my family and roots now. Maybe its part of growing up. Ever since this started happening it what hurted me most, the fact that I could no longer be guided by my parents advice or guidance if anxiety troubles me, or vent with friends. I am turned into something that needs to define herself by herself, that needs to be self reliant in her life troubles, it’s very sad.

    #337962

    Gaia
    Participant

    (sorry I erroneously reported your reply but I had to aim to reply instead of report)

    One of the biggest issues I have with my childhood is that I don’t know if my current feelings or perspective about it are reliable enough. As you can notice yourself, I have a very nonchalant or detached attitude towards my childhood years maybe something I see as not a big deal now may have been really troubling for me back then, I don’t know how accurate and honest and curious I can be about it this way. I am not connected enough to my child self

    #337938

    Gaia
    Participant

    I know you’ve expressed yourself plenty in lots of long posts so I don’t want it to seem like we should repeat ourselves on infinitum let me know if you feel or think it’s what happening now

    #337936

    Gaia
    Participant

    I have a question, what do you think is the best way to see and process what is that happened in one’s childhood? Because I feel like working everyday on healing techniques is only half the work isn’t it? Is there’s a particular attitude you think I should have about this childhood turmoil of mine that you clearly feel like I don’t always validate?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 158 total)