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My extreme feelings kill me

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  • #343150
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    You have to separate between not being “actively valued or at least acknowledged” and being disrespected.

    Let’s say you are in a party standing alone while a group of your peers talk and laugh a short distance from you. This is a situation where you are not actively valued or acknowledged, meaning, the people in the group don’t turn to you and say: Gaia, please join us, we want you here with us, talking and laughing with us, we want to hear your thoughts..

    Same situation, there is another person your age standing alone, outside the social group a meter away from you. Someone from the group walks to the other person, (while you are visibly there and can hear what is being said), and says to the other person: will you join us? Saying nothing to you, and the two walk back to the group- this is a situation where you are being disrespected.

    I too am looking forward to you telling me how you practice being assertive.

    anita

     

    #343292
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    this afternoon in the midst of the usual negative emotions, I started feeling my colon ache bad, my right hip. I am afraid that it aching is linked to my anger, just as I am afraid that my frequent chest hurts may link to it as well (and not to intercostal pains).

    I’m afraid that my thread title “my extreme feelings kill me” may one day be self fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes even doing deep breaths is hard, it’s like I pant.

    What if my anger is causing me physical sickness without me being aware? What if it kills me

    #343304
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Is it possible that your colon ache and right hip pain is about you being constipated, and a buildup of stool and gas in your ascending colon (the part of the large intestine going up, above your right hip) is causing the pain there and up your hip?

    Maybe it is about you not drinking enough water. Constipation is also linked to stress.

    Regarding your chest pain, Wikipedia has an entry on Costochondritis, it reads: “Costochondritis, also known as chest wall pain.. is a common cause of chest pain. Though costochondritis often resolves on its own, it can be a recurring condition”. Under Causes, it reads: “It may be a result of trauma (due to direct injury, strenuous lifting, or severe bouts of coughing)”- any of these apply to you?

    The entry also lists gastrointestinal problems as possible causes (inflammation of the esophagus, acid reflux..) any of these apply?

    Not a surprise, it lists possible psychogenic causes: “anxiety disorder, panic disorder, hyperventilation”.

    What do you think and did you ever see a doctor for these complaints?

    anita

     

    #343308
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I’m not constipated fortunately
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>And when I visited a doctor for my chest hurt she suggested me to do a heart screen (because my heartbeat was going fast (nothing abnormal thought) but since I mentioned that it especially hurted when I move she gave me meds for intercostal pains</p>

    #343312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Good you saw a doctor. The doctor didn’t find anything life threatening about your chest pain, good thing. When we are anxious, what happens is that we become very aware of every sensation in our bodies, worrying about underlying, life threatening causes for those sensations, while all along everyone experiences those sensations, only many don’t pay so much attention to them.

    You are worried that your extreme feelings will kill you, but think of all the thousands of WW2  Auschwitz Concentration Camp survivors who survived years of all torture possible, severe malnutrition, severe lack of all kinds, forced labor.. death all around them, overt unspeakable cruelty, every day real and present dangers to their lives.. terror, anger, every day… and yet they survived and went on to live into old age, their 80s, 90s… it is evidence of something, isn’t it.

    (I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

    #343324
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I’ve always felt a block in my chest, or better, it’s where I felt most of my intense daily negativity gathered. Maybe it’s just paranoia but it’s like I feel my negativity causing pain and cramps in certain areas of my body lately, like stomach and chest. I remember in elementary school I was already noticeably short fused and a teacher told that like that I was going to have a heart attack one day

    #343342
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    What can I do for you, Gaia, how can I help you?

    anita

    #343366
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Why would you ask me that?

    #343382
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I asked you how can I help you because I want to help you. I wanted to help you since July 29, 2016 when you first posted on this website the following: “Hello everyone!! I wanted to join this beautiful and full of wisdom community in order to help and get help too, since I feel down lately and full of self-loathing”.

    anita

    #343400
    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    You’ve considerably helped me. You help me firstly by being the sole person I can say private things to in my life, you helped me not seeing myself as a monster and in opening my eyes about a lot of things in my life.

    I imagine how miserable I must be, that another person across the ocean asks what else she can do for my pain (by the way, you’re a very generous person, sometimes I wonder if you’re an angel!)

    #343402
    Gaia
    Participant

    What I need is to hear is that I’m not in danger and that the best is yet to come, by the way:)

    #343416
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    What I need is to hear is that I’m not in danger and that the best is yet to come“-

    – I don’t think that you are in danger of death (that your extreme feelings will literally kill you).

    I don’t remember if I shared this with you before, but at your age I was already deep into the suffering documented under Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I suffered greatly from (Wikipedia): “A core characteristic of BPD is affective instability.. unusual intense emotional responses to  environmental triggers…cannot regulate (emotions).. especially prone to dysphoria (“a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction.. depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress.. extreme emotions, destructiveness.. feeling fragmented or lacking identity.. have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy.. unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs”, and more.

    All the suffering you described, I suffered no less than you, throughout my 20s, 30s and 40s. The condition didn’t get better with age. Or with psychiatric drugs (17 years of that). It didn’t get better because I left one country and moved  to another.. no matter what, I didn’t get better.

    Finally, I attended my first quality, two year long psychotherapy (2011-2013) with the professional who diagnosed me with BPD, and based his therapy on this very diagnosis, combining Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (Specialized for BPD) and Mindfulness. Following the ending of therapy (I moved out of California where I had the therapy), I was still unwell, but I continued with my healing efforts daily, from 2013 and on, successfully withdrawing from all psychiatric drugs in Oct 2013. My participation here on this website May 2015- today, every day, for hours per day, is part of my ongoing healing process.

    At this point, and for some time, I no longer fit the Borderline Personality Disorder category. My emotions are no longer extreme, I return to baseline (a state of not being distressed) relatively quickly after feeling distress. I no longer see people as either good or bad (called “splitting”). My anger is way down, and my anxiety has significantly improved. My very personal experience of life no longer includes the suffering of a lifetime.

    – so when you tell me that you need me to tell you that you are “not in danger and that the best is yet to  come”, if you are referring to your emotional state, I cannot tell you that you are not in danger of remaining emotionally unwell for the rest of your life. I cannot tell you that you will spontaneously  get better with age, or that if you move away from your home, if you get into a relationship with a man, then you’ll get better- because none of these things made a difference for me (beyond a few weeks or a couple of months of feeling better).

    What I can tell you is that if you work very hard, every day, being motivated to get better, doing what it takes to get better, persisting through the continuing suffering, then over a few years, you will get significantly better.

    Over the many months with you, I did everything possible for you, in the context of your threads, as a fellow member to pass  on to you everything that I learned, to get you to notice this and that, and to encourage you to seek quality psychotherapy.

    What I experienced with you is that at times you express progress, but then .. it is gone and you are back to where you were before I gave you my input, as if I didn’t give you anything. For example, you liked and agreed with the magnifying glass factor that I suggested to you, but before I knew it, it was gone from your posts, and no reference to  it made again, no indication that you integrated that factor into your thinking. Most recently, we discussed assertiveness, you wrote that you were looking forward to tell me about your practice of assertiveness.. and no more reference to it.

    For me, it is like driving with you on the freeway, wanting to go  straight to a better place, but you insist on getting off the freeway and getting lost in one-way streets, going in circles and getting nowhere. This is a frustrating experience for me.

    Back to my question: how can I help you?

    I think that the way I helped you was simply by paying attention to you, reading your words, writing back to you, so you felt better at times, but I didn’t help you otherwise. I didn’t help you at all beyond you feeling better at times, for a little while, here and there. You didn’t express a desire to seek psychotherapy because of my  communication with you. And I believe that without serious, quality psychotherapy, you cannot heal.

    Maybe if I don’t communicate with you anymore, maybe then, you will want psychotherapy.

    You can, if you want, copy all of our communication into a Word document, so that you have it as your own (in case the website closes), there is a lot in it- all that I had to give you. If you do seek psychotherapy, you can use our communication in therapy.

    I am now closing our communication. I ask you to not reply further to me. You are welcome to continue your thread, or start another- if it helps you to vent, please do. I  hope that other members reply to you. I will not.

    Goodbye, Gaia. I hope you seek quality psychotherapy and get to experience a better and better life!

    anita

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #343420
    Gaia
    Participant

    Anita

    I know you wrote that you don’t want me to reply further but I can’t just read this and close this thread without saying anything.

    I get how you feel, I get that my lack of progress may feel frustrating and that you no longer want to spend energy or work no me. I respect that.

    I’m closed in my home since the start of march like everyone in my country, tell me how can I talk with about how I’m practicing assertiveness? By the way I’m doing it. I’m practicing making myself more respected with the few people I can interact daily now, you may no longer have heard about the Magnifying Glass by me but this doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about this. Or that I don’t use it by myself whenever strong emotions arise, especially when triggered by my mother.

    You find my lack of progress frustrating, you have no idea how even more frustrating it is to me, since forever. And about psychotherapy I’ve already expressed why I can’t seem it now, but I’ve also said more than once that it’s the first thing I’m considering when I’ll be financially independent.

    You don’t have to write to me, you don’t owe me nothing. I won’t ask you to keep being in touch if it’s a frustrating experience but the fact I’m being abandoned this abruptly is not a pleasant experience, it’s hurtful.

    Goodbye by the way, I won’t disturb you no longer

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