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My extreme feelings kill me

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This topic contains 102 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #311837

    Gaia
    Participant

    I feel like I can never find peace or happiness in my life. And I highly suspect my mind and feelings play a big part in this, I can be utterly enraged, shamed and revengeful over nothing, and what’s worse of all is that I implode. I feel like there’s no means I can express my emotional storms and mental conflicts and thoughts outside, with someone that either understands or can be trustworthy, sometimes I wish I was able of a true breakdown instead of feeling my inner world overwhelmed by violent thoughts and emotions and feeling pulled and disintegrated by several conflicting parts. I can’t make sense out of myself, what’s wrong with me, I feel ashamed cause I’m 21 but I feel stuck in an early teen phase: almost unexperienced in life, never dating or having intimacy with someone, crushing hard on strangers and not going out or having enough fun. All of this makes me unable to truly open up with peers or making truly meaningful friendships. It makes me feel ashamed, I also feel shallow cause I know it’s not important stuff but still it makes me suffer. I’m also ashamed of how I live behind close doors, I’m constantly pulling my hair and engaging in weird compulsive habits, I sleep late, I daydream on music.. I think irrelevant stuff.

    Having no one to vent to inspired me to come back to this forum again

    #311847

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I just looked at your previous thread of May 2018 and noticed that I didn’t reply to your last post there which was addressed to me. I have no doubt that I didn’t reply because I wasn’t aware at the time that you posted that last May 16 post. (Often a submitted post does not appear under the list of Topics).

    Having read our previous communication in that thread and your original post in your new thread, I figure that what is happening is that you carry a lot of anger with you because as a child your life was heavy, heavy with your mother’s distress. You were jealous, you shared there, of other children because “their mother.. (was) Always light-hearted”.

    Your mother worked a lot outside the home and when she was home.. she was heavy, emotional, self pitying, troubled. A heavy mother-> a heavy child.

    A peer in school bullied you, you experienced different injustices in life, but the injustice most powerful in a child’s mind-and-heart is that her mother suffers. The child’s  mother is the most important person in the child’s mind and heart, the best person in the world, and to watch her suffer brings about a strong sense of injustice and the emotional reaction to such injustice is anger.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #311849

    Gaia
    Participant

    I admit that at the time I stopped the conversation cause talking about my mother being potentially distressing was a trigger for me, but now I’ve come to terms with the fact that she indeed is.

    Anyway, I’m not exactly sure that watching my mother being troubled as a child is what triggered my sense of being victim of injustice. It’s something I Always felt, for sure

    #311855

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “It’s something I Always felt, for sure”- can you elaborate on that “something”- you mean,  injustice? And if you mean injustice, how early in life did you feel injustice and what was the injustice about?

    anita

    #311861

    Gaia
    Participant

    Yes. Sometimes I feel like I was born angry or easily triggered by seeing injustices. I remember pulling my dolls hair in spite or getting angry over seeing injustices in tv ecc

    #311865

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I don’t think you were born angry, or any angrier than any baby.

    How is your mother distressing to you now, in your current life (I assume you live with her)?

    – Notice that communicating about this may anger you- if so, you can tell me what it  is that is angering you.

    anita

    #311875

    Gaia
    Participant

    yes we live together but in a pretty peaceful way.. maybe because we’re no longer very close and I have certain walls up when it comes to her. However I dread spending time alone with her, I just have this irrational repulsive feeling at the idea that she might try to do deep conversations or inquire about me, even if with simple good intentions, I don’t like it. I guess it’s because I don’t like her to inquire about me psychologically. I also low key resent her for making me less carefree in my young years compared to my peers by preventing me from attending certain events or situations that could only bring me joy

    #311887

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Clearly you are angry at your mother. Living with her every day means you can’t possibly feel anger at her all the time (it is too stressful for the brain/ body), so you feel calm sometimes, especially when you listen to music and daydream.

    This anger at her is justified and understandable. I know this because a child doesn’t feel anger toward a parent, as a child, unless the parent hurt the child (intentionally or not).

    Your anger at her needs to be expressed and understood and it is not going away until that happens. If you want to express it here and try to  understand it better, let us embark on doing just that:

    How did she prevent you “from attending certain events or situations that could only bring (you) joy”?

    – a comment: a child (of any age( often feels guilty about feeling angry at a parent. If you feel guilty for  feeling anger at her, it is the expressing and understanding of your anger that will make it possible for you to not be angry with her anymore, sometime in the future- so don’t let the guilt interfere with what needs to be done.

    anita

    #311909

    Gaia
    Participant

    surely I have some resentment and negative feelings towards my family as a whole, but also I’m angry at myself, at some of my life/story circumstances, some of my friends also.. but I would be pretty glad to explore that anger as you suggest.

    about the events.. it really left an impression on me how some musicians (that were REALLY matterful) to me just came in my country for very first times and I looked forward to it even as a changing point in my life because at that point it was really miserable (I was just silently battling again with my mental health) and I needed something in real life that could motivate me to feel alive and change truly.. however they didn’t allow me to go, she also made it about her  parading how she works hard for us and that we shouldn’t talk back to her, I rarely go out of my town and I looked forward even as a chance to take some fresh air and bond with people that finally had some common interests but my parents almost couldn’t care less about it oh well fuck them

    She also make drama queen scenes whenever it happened that either me or my sister came home too late in isolated occasions, crying and making it about her. It frightened me so much that I never come home too late again unless I explicited it to her before leaving

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  Gaia.
    #311923

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    When you came home late, your mother’s response was: “crying and making it about her. It frightened me so much”-

    – can you describe for me a time you remember best when you came home late: I assume she has been waiting for you.. sitting there waiting, crying maybe- how loud is she crying, what does she say, what does she do?

    anita

    #311933

    Gaia
    Participant

    she was just waiting in her bedroom but throwing a scene as I come home, yelling that I come home at the same hour she should wake up to go work,

    #311953

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    You don’t feel like elaborating on it, do you.

    Why did she not allow you to go out of town to attend those music events??

    anita

     

    #311961

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I don’t want this to feel to you like an interrogation of sorts, a question after question. Therefore, answer what I already asked you if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to. Add anything you want that you think is relevant to what you need here, in your thread. Or add nothing at all.

    Tomorrow morning, in about 15 hours from now, when I am (hopefully) refreshed I will read anything you may add, re-read what you already shared and reply then.

    anita

    #312033

    Gaia
    Participant

    Why do you feel like I’m not into elaborating? Forgive me if I may give a closed off impression but lately I do enjoy opening up about my struggles, I’m careful about the words I use cause I don’t want to make my mother look like some kind of evil narcissist that she isn’t also

    By the way, the reason she didn’t allow was because I was not going with people I already knew, as far as I can remember, and because she didn’t want to give me the money to take the tickets as soon as they were available. I had found some peers that were going but she just blocked me, and this pissed me off greatly, I gave both of my parents silent treatment for at least 1 week.

    #312081

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I will combine the information you shared in your four threads: Feeling like something is wrong with me, July 2016 thread (you were 18 at the time), My suffering doesn’t make sense, your March 2018 thread, Why can’t I be normal, May 2018, and My extreme feelings kill me, your current September 2019 thread (you are currently 21).

    You shared the following emotional and mental experiences: feeling “like a living contradiction”, having a personality that “changes and turns around depending on the environment and on the people”, sometimes “super confident and sassy”, other times “shy and awkward”, feeling “trapped in this nasty and frightening identity crisis”; feeling like a split person, the only consistent trait of your personality is being volatile (“the only true trait she has is being VOLATILE”), you feel weird (“I tried to avoid being ‘weird’ for a lifetime”), defective, an alien, an outcast, suffering “an inner turmoil”, and that the real you is “f** up”.

    You wrote: “I get this fearful sense that I’m fooling myself ‘acting’ myself… Always monologue with myself about my life, me directing a movie about myself”.

    You are being your “worst judger”, “self loathing”, ashamed,  beating yourself up for perceived flaws and failures, especially when comparing yourself to your peers;  feeling that your life and your own self, your person, have been “insignificant and nonsensical”, having suffered from “anxiety and obsessive thinking” since you were 16, diagnosed with OCD,  feeling “somehow rejected by people I want to befriend”. You feel very abnormal and difficult or impossible to understand, that nothing about you is  normal (“Not even my anxiety is normal”).

    You feel okay sometimes, but suddenly you become “hyper aware that there’s something really wrong or weird about (yourself).. I get panic, annoyance.. One moment I’m ok and the other I feel and think something’s off”. You “feel crazy, what’s the truth, what’s not?.. thoughts.. are like a web of abstract patterns and connections of fear”.

    “I’m pretty short-fused and easy to annoy/ anger.. as a Young girl I happened sometimes to clash with peers, once one girl bullied me… “. You are “overwhelmed by violent thoughts and emotions”, and “also have a bad confrontational side”, “easily annoyed, angered”.

    You wrote: “I feel like there’s no means I can express my emotional storms and mental conflicts and thought outside, with someone that either understands or can be trustworthy”, that you feel “stuck and stagnant in life” since you were 14, and that in your 21 years, you never dated nor did you experience “intimacy with someone”;you live “behind close doors.. constantly pulling my hair and engaging in weird compulsive habits.. sleep late.. daydream on music”.

    You wrote: “the more I try to find myself, the more lost I get”, that you “can never find a solution”,  and that you want to “stop panicking whether my affections, thoughts and every f*** thing about me are authentic or not”, that you “no longer know what’s real and what’s not”.

    About your home life, you shared that you currently live with your parents “in a pretty peaceful way”, having “a ordinary relationship with my parents”, that you “had a overall smooth home life.. Nothing truly remarkable”, that you and your mother “Always had a fair relationship”, and that you “Value a lot (your parents’) opinion of me”.

    About your mother you wrote: “my mom, she’s caring and hardworking, but extra-sensitive… I don’t like a lot to share those things with her cause later, I feel  like I have to comfort her… it’s exhausting… she’s somehow easily offended”, that “she’s emotional, attuned to Others feelings and on the bad side, touchy.. easily moved to tears.. emotionally expressive and on the bad side, overwhelming, lamenting and self pitying”, that “she lamented her hard work, health stuff”, “crying and making it about her.. throwing a scene.. yelling”.

    You shared that you “dread spending time alone with her”, that you “have this repulsive feeling at the idea that she might try to do deep conversations or inquire about me”; that you “resent her for making me less carefree in  my young years.. preventing me from attending certain events or situations that could only bring me joy”. You wrote that her behavior “instilled a certain anxiety or heaviness in me”, and that you envied peers who had a mother who was “Always light-hearted”.

    Regarding the music events that your mother did not allow you to go, you wrote: “I needed something in real life that could motivate me to feel alive… I looked forward even as a chance to take some fresh air and bond with people and finally had some common interests”, “however they didn’t allow me to go, she also made it about her parading how she works hard for us and that we shouldn’t talk back to her.. my parents almost couldn’t care less about it oh well f*** them”.

    In your most recent post you wrote: “I’m careful about the words I use cause I don’t want to make my mother look like some kind of evil narcissist that she isn’t”.

    And now, following reading and studying and compiling the above for solid three hours this morning, I will offer you some of my understanding. I will make it shorter and if you ask me in a reply to this post that I share more- I will. The reason I will be making it shorter is because your anger is strong and I expect you to get angry at me and reject what I write next. The more I write, the more angry I imagine you get, so I want to avoid that.

    My understanding therefore, shorter and straightforward: we humans are social animals. A child cannot possibly be emotionally and mentally healthy without adequate socializing. The most important socializing context for a child is her (or his)  socializing with her parents. You didn’t get your socializing needs met, not  with your father and not with your mother. But it is your mother who harmed you the most because she made your life about her- in her world you didn’t exist- and therefore, in your own world, you didn’t exist. Her words, her behavior was not about you- it was about her.

    Perhaps you read about mothers who beat their children, starve them, not feeding or clothing them, and you think: those children are abused, I am not abused, I have food and clothes and my mother never lay a hand  on me.. I suppose I have had a “smooth home life” and “ordinary relationships” with my parents.

    Problem is that human children are not turtles. All a turtle needs is food and shelter. We, social animals, need socializing. Adequate socializing means to be treated by someone as if we were visible, audible and present, there to be seen and heard. Inadequate socializing is when we are treated as things or as turtles, and so, we don’t grow up and see ourselves as things or turtles, strange entities that play a part in a weird movie, observing ourselves from the outside, wondering: who are these things pretending to be people?

    When you wanted to go to those music events, you “needed something in real life that could motivate me to feel alive”- at home you feel dead, not alive. No adequate socializing= no feeling alive, no motivation, and stagnation is the result, being stuck.

    Regarding those music events, you wrote “I looked forward even as a chance to take some fresh air and bond with  people”- bonding with people was what you desperately needed at home and what you were prevented from doing outside the home. Bonding with people aka adequate socializing is a need almost as strong as our need for oxygen, for fresh air.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by  anita.
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