September 16, 2019 at 8:14 am #312539
“putting up some boundaries while not ghosting her totally”-
you are 21, living in her home. If I understand correctly you are not a student, nor do you have a job? What are your circumstances and plans (studies, work, living independently)?
anitaSeptember 16, 2019 at 11:20 am #312571
Nope I am a student. This year I’m going to have a rent with other students around the Uni. I don’t know where you are from but in my country generally young people get financially independent after they’ve finished uni and not after high school like in the US, that’s why I’m still at home
September 16, 2019 at 12:42 pm #312605
- This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Gaia.
So you plan to live away from your parents’ home this year, 2019, sharing an apartments, or living in a dormitory situation near university away from your parents- will that be the first time in your life, living away from your home-of-origin?
What boundaries did you already try to place with your mother, what succeeded and what failed?
(Will be away from the computer for a couple of hours).
anitaSeptember 17, 2019 at 7:09 am #312735
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes I’m going to have a rent with other mates around my uni except for the weekend when I’ll be back home. I try to keep conversations with my mother on light subjects but I don’t think she really likes that, what triggers me is that I’m also ashamed to admit my empty dating life to her as to everyone else, that’s what mostly make me shut in</p>September 17, 2019 at 7:10 am #312737
Yes I’m going to have a rent with other mates around my uni except for the weekend when I’ll be back home. I try to keep conversations with my mother on light subjects but I don’t think she really likes that, what triggers me is that I’m also ashamed to admit my empty dating life to her as to everyone else, that’s what mostly make me shut inSeptember 17, 2019 at 8:29 am #312751
Regarding your “empty dating life”- tell me about your daydreams, when you listen to music and day dream- do you imagine a dating life, a love story with a man? What do you imagine?
anitaSeptember 17, 2019 at 1:55 pm #312815
There’s a lot to say about it! Since I was a little kid nothing gives me more pleasure than daydream about certain kind of romance. I either got deeply interested in certain cartoons or show pairings or I got my own and it was like it til my teen years and beyond. Often I daydream(ed) about it as third person perspective but I also dreamed about romance and intimacy with the few deep crushes I had and have, it’s like a drug
Sometimes I think that I’m definitely made to be in partnership, but not with anyone but with someone that I’m strongly interested in. Unfortunately most of the guys who really knocked to my door were either incompatible with me or didn’t ignite interest in me, so that’s why I’m still somewhat inexperiencedSeptember 17, 2019 at 2:20 pm #312821
Tell me more about the romance and intimacy you day dream about- from a third person perspective or from a second person perspective- there is the guy you are very interested in- where do you meet him, what happens when you are alone with him (if sex is involved- and I imagine it is- no pornographic details are necessary or wanted, by me, make the description soft, will you?)
– but do tell me, I want to know.
anitaSeptember 17, 2019 at 3:02 pm #312823
I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours. In case you don’t want to share what I asked you because you are afraid I will analyze what you share, find the negative and dark in it (like your mother does) and therefore spoil your only fun-refuge experience for you-
-worry not. I will not point to single negative about your fantasy world. The purpose is for you to be seen and heard, to be knowns and understood, to be acknowledged for who you are.
September 18, 2019 at 3:37 am #312887
- This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by anita.
I daydream for at least 10 years on a fictional fantasy romance I made up while I was still a young girl (but that evolved as I evolved) and I generally focused on the more raw aspects of romance because that’s what attracts me the most. About my crushes.. yeah I generally dreamed about lots of intimacy but also huge portion of it was and still is about me in some kind of cool/badass/funny position and they watching/observing, my brain automatically does that and I find it kinda weird because generally you don’t daydream about acting like some kind of cool character or imaginating yourself in weird scenarios while your crush watchesSeptember 18, 2019 at 7:18 am #312901
It is interesting that a huge portion of your fantasy is your crush watching you being or acting “kind of cool/badass/funny”.
I too had a very rich fantasy life, lying on a bed or sofa with the radio playing songs, fantasizing. One of my fantasies was being on stage dancing to the music and a huge crowd watching me, clapping hands, admiring me. Plus millions of people all over the world were watching the event on TV, watching me dance.
Oh how lonely I was in real life, not seen by anyone. Definitely not by my mother. I watched my mother (paid attention to her) all the time, she didn’t watch me. Children/ teenagers in school, they didn’t pay attention to me either, dismissing me, as if I was invisible, or too inferior or weird, or abnormal (I had tics in addition to OCD compulsions that made me feel abnormal) to be acknowledged.
How intensely I needed to be seen (to be watched, to be observed and acknowledged). In my fantasy world, the whole world was seeing me- that was a definite high, an elation, very pleasant feeling!
The fantasy went on and on and on as the songs on the radio changed. I didn’t want to stop fantasizing. I suppose I had to stop when my mother came back from work (she worked very hard cleaning other people’s homes and offices).
I also dreamed of romance a lot, a whole lot. I carried the romance fantasy with me morning to night, music or no music, taking breaks from it only when I had to pay attention to something else.
I am glad I fantasized so much because it did bring me a lot of pleasure.
anitaSeptember 18, 2019 at 9:52 am #312941
yes, I definitely agree that daydreaming so much about being watched has to do with not feeling acknowledged enough irl. I once tried hard to stop it but now I no longer try. It gives me pleasure and I can use it as a fuel or creative method to envion what I want in life, once I tried hard to suppress or rejected certain sides of me but now I’m slowly learning to accept it all and accept myself just as I am. I tried so hard to pick a personality or pick a “me” to be, it was sooooo obsessive and methodical. There was no spontaneity left in my life, I had no life to live because this life of mine was put in hold for when I was “prepared”, for when I had created a certain me to be and present to the world. Thanks God I’m letting of this madness and work in healing myself in less of a compulsive way
By the way, I was thinking about my child self again lately and I stumbled on how I always connecting and longing for fantasy worlds and characters I saw in tv or in books, fantasy worlds felt so good to me, like my soul was at peace. I felt in my soul like I belonged to some Narnia, or sailing with pirates, or up with aliens, I craved to be there living adventurously and magically. I called it “home”, I dreamed that I was some lost princess that after living as a muggle was going back to fight the evil and take my place again. Do you believe in past lives? Because I definitely feel like I either had a past life in some Middle Age scenario or travelled the worldSeptember 18, 2019 at 10:13 am #312943
No, I don’t believe in past lives. I considered it once because I used to fantasize about being in a certain historic time and place of which I read about a lot, so I thought maybe I used to be a person there and then. But later I figured- if something about me lived before and will live again, it is something that was born with me at the very beginning, but the circumstances of the place and time into which I was born, and which affected me and which are in the experiences I had after birth, those don’t pass on.
I am glad to read that you no longer try to suppress or reject any sides of yourself.
“I’m slowly learning to accept it all and accept myself just as I am”- this is healthy, excellent to read you state that.
Indeed, there is no spontaneity in “sooooo obsessive and methodical”. I too put my life on hold, thinking that I will start my life when I am prepared. It didn’t work for me, I was never prepared. The thought behind this failed strategy was that starting life can be smooth and fine if I am prepared. The way that did work for me is to start life every day no matter how rough and unprepared I feel: think of the next step after taking the first instead of staying in place thinking of all the steps all at once (in that “sooooo obsessive and methodical” way).
I too felt I was at home in Fantasy. I felt calm and joy and curiosity and motivation and I felt capable because all was possible for me.
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 2:05 am #313051
The way that did work for me is to start life every day no matter how rough and unprepared I feel: think of the next step after taking the first instead of staying in place thinking of all the steps all at once (in that “sooooo obsessive and methodical” way).
Yes. Sometimes I feel I’m too slow in developing or it sicks me that I’m still prisoner of toxic habits and patterns somehow but now I’m accepting it a lot better. Before, I couldn’t accept not doing things successfully and immediately now I realize it was freaking unnatural. It wasn’t true development of self, it was an act. An act put on by myself for myself. Now I realize and accept that I do have an addiction to pulling my hair, wandering aimlessly with nonsensical racing thoughts and daydreams and that being in social environments make me feel shit with myself, and addictions just don’t simply go away.September 19, 2019 at 7:59 am #313073
As I read your recent post I remember how Wrong I felt, how I viewed myself, as a child, being deeply and thoroughly wrong, inferior to others, defected. The OCD rituals (as well as the multiple tics) sure added to my feeling of being wrong, inferior, defected.
What happened then, in that magical thinking characteristic to the child that I was, I figured: I can be perfect, I must be perfect and I can be.. if only I begin, from this minute on, to do everything perfectly. So I “started” my perfect life for the day, paying attention to every thing I did, to make it perfectly.
This brought about that feeling of being fake, playing in a movie and observing myself in that movie- not living my own life, but playing a part in a made-up life.
And soon enough I made a mistake and the full weight of the distress of being Wrong, inferior and so on, that weight crushed me once again… until I tried to do the only thing I thought will solve the problem, start again, from the beginning, be perfect.
This continued for me way beyond childhood. In my twenties, and thirties.
It never worked, but I didn’t know any other possible solution.
Fast forward, in therapy, later in life, and as I continued my now over eight years of what I refer to as my healing-and-learning process, I found out- to my great surprise (it took a long time and was gradual) that there was and is nothing wrong with me.
What a surprise. I didn’t know.
So now, when I am to do something, I don’t automatically think: I will do this wrong. So I don’t try to “solve” this problem by doing it perfectly. Instead, I just do it.