September 19, 2019 at 10:18 am #313111
<p style=”text-align: left;”>My compulsiveness wasn’t about doing but about being. It was like I always tried to start afresh, picking a new sense of self and intention cause I apparently had anything better to do. I spent my teen years in a state oof non life, I desperately felt the need to adjust myself and become something, because I felt so much lack so much envy and jealousy. I saw peers with cool groups, cool likes, cool social skills, cool boyfriends. I felt like I had nothing and in a rush to not miss the best of my teen years I actively missed them. I missed experiences and proper real crushes that weren’t about total strangers, I missed crazy stuff to do with friends cause me and my friends were somewhat incompatible but still we put together cause we hadn’t no one else to go to. Pitiful right? I wasn’t getting responsible and starting focusing on studies or tasks or developing real life skills but my mind was getting sick, I started feeling soulless, me myself was getting sick. Youth is supposed to be about feeling alive, joyous and fresh but I wasn’t nothing of this, I started to become a zombie. Social settings were a pain because I could never nail something right and I wasn’t enough for anyone. My jokes were dismissed as awkward, my words as low key dumb, there was so much passive aggressiveness involved. My mind lived in such a weird way that by the time I was 18 my phobias and mental musings were on such weird and abstract questions that I couldn’t keep track of or understand them fully myself. It’s getting a little better now cause I’m learning how to not stay stuck in nonsensical and twisted matters but I recorded most of them in my diaries cause they gave me unbelievable dread I don’t think talking about them helped me grasp them neither. It was so scary and absurd. thanks God I’m no longer there. Now taking in consideration that I may suffering from some mental disorder doesn’t worry me but soothe me cause at least I know how to define myself and what my non sense inner self comes from</p>September 19, 2019 at 10:50 am #313117
I identify with your “state of none life”, and jealousy of peers who did live life, being in a state of life. All I experienced in real life before 18 in the area of romance was one fast kiss that a boy planted on my face quickly, one time. The rest of the time was my daydreaming of lots of boyfriend-girlfriend stuff with crushes that was never materialized.
My loneliness was extreme, time had a never-ending quality to it, a sort of eternity of loneliness. At times, in the mornings, if the day was a nice day, I had hope that … something exciting will happen on that day, something different, but then it was afternoon and nothing happened.
I was so angry, wanting to live life like others seem to be living life. I didn’t want to be stuck in an eternity of nothing-is-happening, an eternity of waiting.
You wrote, “mental musings were on such weird and abstract”- when alone, not socializing, not doing much at all, our brain does go to the abstract, and it does get “stuck in nonsensical and twisted matters”. Mine did.
You still need now what you always needed: to socialize, to interact with others, at least with one other person, in an honest, spontaneous way. Interact with another that way again and again, and you will be healthier and healthier.
Got to accept with sadness the loss of time and life so far, to grieve that loss, that waste. So that you are less angry and able to spot that honest, spontaneous socializing opportunity with a person you are yet to meet.
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 11:03 am #313121
The thing is.. it’s not like I was or am a complete loner. Well yes I enjoy spend more time alone than the average person but generally I always hanged out with someone and (yep) got out at night or went to parties, at least more now, in my young adult phase. You wouldn’t necessarily say I’m peculiar if you talked to me, I may be very (maybe too much) introspective but can be also very talkative and blunt, weirdly enough I think this side of my nature was what turned people off, more than me “shutting up”. So I wouldn’t say I don’t socialize. I do but rarely of what I go through gets expressed and discussed or validated, simply because I know that not everyone can understand.September 19, 2019 at 11:17 am #313123
You say that you have a blunt side, a “very talkative and blunt” side that turns people off. Can you give me an example of you having been blunt- what did you say that was blunt, and in what circumstance?
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 11:58 am #313127
I can be straightforward, I do have a temper. But I’m also genuine, if I think something random I’m gonna say it, thisSeptember 19, 2019 at 12:13 pm #313131
Reads like you got cut off in the above post, as if you were going to continue, but you didn’t.
Let’s take a pause. Remember the goal I set was to get to know you, to see you/ hear you/ understand you.
If you want, read through these four pages, or any part of these four pages, and let me know the following:
1. What is it that I did understand correctly about you?
2. What is it that I misunderstood about you?
You are welcome to skip number 1, and answer only number 2.
anitaSeptember 20, 2019 at 2:28 am #313227
Sometimes I just keep it simply, I wasn’t feeling cut off don’t worry. By the way I guess you got it that I have repressed anger and unsatisfied social needs, that I’m still hurting for unlived parts of teen years and for isolation. What I’d like to be understood is that I don’t feel like I can easily be put in box: quiet loner, or shy wallflower because the thing with me is I had a very difficult time validating some of my pain because I didn’t feel like I was an outsider enough, or mistreated enough. It’s like I never belonged fully to a certain identity or center, or group of people and that troubles me because I didn’t feel like I could define myself, who I am and what happens to me, or what’s wrong with meSeptember 20, 2019 at 7:58 am #313253
I don’t want to fit you in a box, not at all. Lots of people want that box for themselves and for others, and they find such boxes in mental diagnoses and labels (examples: he is a narcissist, I am an introvert, she is a victim of sexual abuse). There is some comfort for many at first, when fitting a box, and if the box does fit, it can be helpful as a starting point of making better choices and healing, but many get too attached to the box and become prisoners in it.
Often it happens that a person reads about a particular box, and lots fits with the person’s experience.. but then something doesn’t fit and the person is confused: I.. almost fit into that box! Or you know you don’t fit into a particular box but then so much of what it says about people who do fit into that box is similar or the same as what you experience.
I learn about people based on what I refer to as “the building blocks”, that is, from the beginning, no boxes. I look at the basics= what is true to all human beings and often, to all social animals.
One more thing: people are complex creatures, not two dimensional cartoon characters. For example: I was lonely a whole lot of my childhood, dominantly lonely and alone. And I was shy and on the outside of life. But not always. Sometimes, in the company of others, I burst with such liveliness, like a volcano, and I felt good being vocal and making jokes. Also, no one is bad all the time, every cruel person is sometimes kind to someone. And no introvert is always an introvert, no extrovert is always an extrovert, no person is always passive, no one is always any particular way.
I learned that because I was so miserable so much of the time, my brain took “breaks” from misery in the form of happy fantasy, joyful, exciting daydreaming. So no one is miserable all of the time either.
Your thoughts about what I wrote here?
September 20, 2019 at 12:12 pm #313321
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Reading about your experiences I understand it had to be really hard for you. I’m sorry that you felt so much alone. I hope things are better now
I’m going past the need to define myself, I’m going past the ego but everyone around me is still fixed on this stuff. They try so hard to define themselves on certain terms, certain boxes, and they act so defensive when they feel it’s threatened. Not that I’m better by any means, I get defensive and project a lot myself but I can say certainly that I’m a lot more aware of my bias than years ago. I think that adds on me feeling unable to connect, I think way different than the average person (not to sound like a snowflake or anything)September 20, 2019 at 12:56 pm #313333
Thank you for expressing empathy for me, having been so alone. I appreciate it!
“They try so hard to define themselves n certain terms, certain boxes, and they act so defensive when they feel threatened” because they are anxious, fearful on an ongoing basis (with breaks, remember my point, the brain takes its breaks).
It is understandable that you feel “unable to connect” with those who insist on fitting into this or that box. I suppose you will be able to connect with someone like you, who doesn’t want to fit a box. In the context of your thread, that someone can be/ is.. me.
anitaSeptember 20, 2019 at 3:59 pm #313359
Sometimes I’m afraid that not expressing my sexuality with someone else is slowly turning me into someone deviant. Sometimes the things or words or images that turn me on are so weird, my brain can turn everything sexual, even if I don’tSeptember 20, 2019 at 4:23 pm #313365
“not expressing my sexuality with someone else is slowly turning me into someone deviant”- I think that you mean that because you are not engaged sexually with another person, not expressing yourself sexually with another person- you overthink and over-imagine sex.
Similar to other areas- not really living, we think too much, being stuck in ongoing mental activity. And because of the sheer amount of mental activity (thinking, imagining), some of it sort of spreads into the weird, even deviant territory. Do I understand correctly?
anitaSeptember 20, 2019 at 11:42 pm #313393
just randomly reading posts posts that I can relate to. Popping in sharing my two cents .
I used to isolate myself and then tell myself that I was so different that no one could relate to me. And this would become a cycle of isolation and I wouldn’t open up because “no one would understand.” And though I am very unique and complex, and have a complex set of experiences , mindsets, traumas etc – even in that there are people who can relate. And to go a step further , relationships are about learning and so for people who don’t have my exact experiences, people can learn a lot from them. I just had to learn how to find people who appreciated them and learn how not to judge myself when others didn’t .
I was bullied in school and didn’t realize until later in life how much it impacted how I would isolate or my tolerance for people. So I’d isolate from people who hurt me once and kind of have this black and white thinking. Instead of thinking about life and people as a giant playground. You know ? On playgrounds when we are toddlers we get exposed to everything so we can learn. Dirt, obstacle courses, and other children. And we get dirty, fall off swings , bump into other kids and we just pick ourselves up and learn from the mistakes or how to adjust to the obstacles on the playground and try again.. I’m very sensitive and always in my mind, picking apart my actions and replaying situations. I fantasize a lot to , to get away from things I don’t want to think about or feel. But I also know my fantasizing is just apart of my nature. I am a dream and nothing is wrong with that. I create . I can even tell from your writing , you’re a really good writer. I bet you’d be amazing at writing poetry. Youre a very deep thinker and the other side of that may be that you feel things so deeply and then the ocd makes you pick it apart maybe and it makes you feel weird for being so conscious of these thoughts.
But we all think about weird shit. A lot of people have a lot of stuff going on in their heads that they just don’t share with people or they are not as aware or conscious of. I too sometimes get caught in the cycle of over thinking what I’m over thinking.
In terms of sexuality . I’m lgbt woman so, I had to learn to accept myself and the things I like without much judgment. And the more I surrounded myself with information and people who also had different sexualities and interests I realized I wasn’t so weird for my “kink” or likes or thoughts . And even if they were weird, I had to just accept that. I’m different and that’s okay . People who are different add value to this world . I liked reading what you had to share , you seem very deep so. Yea don’t beat yourself up.
take care . That’s my two cents that nobody asked for lolSeptember 20, 2019 at 11:54 pm #313395
Oh yea, also the part you shared about your mom. Seems like the enmeshment trauma there. Her over reacting , impeding on your private life , just doing too much etc … her franticness.. though it wasn’t your fault . Has made it hard for you to open up later in life because maybe deep down you fear people will respond like how she did.
and you feeling like your problems aren’t so big so you don’t want to bother people with it .. I mean those things are relative to the individual . Your experiences and challenges matter.
I had to learn this the hard way. I remember one day I visited a friend . I was shooken up because I had just left the grocery store where a homeless guy started calling me out of my name , cussing me out. It was very triggering because I feel like as a woman we have to deal with this type of gendered ignorance way too often. So I was really hurt and upset. And I get to my friends place and she was really upset too but about something else. She was upset because the turning knob had fallen off of her kitchen counter. I thought she was overreacting and thought “‘my situation is so much worse and she’s complaining about a broken knob ?” I classified it as her over reacting then. What I didn’t see then was, how she was a single parent , how she had just gotten out of a crappy relationship, how she was balancing school, finances , work and a child. How she was dealing with depression and just trying to make it day by day. And sure a broken knob is nowhere near as messed up as being chased in a store. But, we all are going through challenging things that are relative to our individual lives. And we all deserve to be heard because those things matter .September 21, 2019 at 1:10 am #313403
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I recognize that for a LGBT woman it has to be even harder to fight against feeling outcastes or misunderstood. I hear you. Hope things are better now. And yes, what you said about bullying affecting you even if you don’t notice it it’s true, I had mild episodes of bullyism in my life since a very early age and I can’t say it didn’t plague my subconscious