March 11, 2020 at 2:49 pm #342866
Or also once me her and another girl who is her very close friend were waiting outside our gym for our trainer (that had to open the gym) i was keeping track of our trainer replies and updates on our chatgroup and whenever they pop up I also communicated these to them (or maybe it was me who suggested asking for more updates) and she was basically walking around with the other friend in front of me saying “there’s no need to ask her (our trainer) for everything” like a bitch
March 11, 2020 at 3:27 pm #342872
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Gaia.
Were you ever blunt with this girl we are talking about, if so, what did you tell her that was blunt?
She said “there’s no need to ask her (our trainer) for everything’, like a bitch”, you wrote. If indeed she said it like a b***, did you tell her: you are a b***?
Or would that be too blunt?
anitaMarch 11, 2020 at 6:31 pm #342884
My impression so far is that this young woman we are talking about is rude to you from time to time, similar to my experience when I was spaced out, lost in my own world in social situations, not paying attention to what people say to me or to each other, almost not quite there, and peers made fun of me, suggesting that I was stupid, or inferior or defected, fitting to be made fun of, to be laughed at.
I often didn’t realize they said insulting things to me or about me until after the fact, when I was back home, alone, regretting that I didn’t stand up for myself earlier, right there and then when it happened.
I was very angry for not having said anything, for letting them say what they said, how they said it, without protesting, without objecting, without standing up for myself. I was intensely frustrated for not being able to go back in time and stand up for myself and I imagined how I would take my revenge on those people.
Is this your experience too? If not, please explain how it is for you, with this particular young woman and with other peers, explain it clearly to me.
(I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now).
anitaMarch 12, 2020 at 1:39 am #342912
Nope i never called her a bitch, maybe I told her to fuck off once but generally we’re still civil to each other so it’s not like theres some kind of animosity. Btw yeah I definitely feel your experience, it’s hell. To be always be this angry or to dread every social experience and feel like you’re not worth it. How do you recognize someone who disrespect you now and how do you feel safe in social situations?March 12, 2020 at 8:25 am #342932
I’ve got a good idea. I decided to use my social interactions to observe others carefully and pay attention on whether they’re toxic or worth of my time, instead of staying in anxiety mode where I’m detached from the truthMarch 12, 2020 at 8:40 am #342934
“How do you recognize someone who disrespect you now and how do you feel safe in social situations?” –
First, I recognize when I am not being disrespected. For example: when I am sitting with company, not talking to anyone, so there is no reason for someone to look at me, or to look my way, and I notice, from the corner of my eye, that someone is looking my way, I automatically feel that this person is thinking terrible things about me (that I am less-than, defected, embarrassing etc.) and I feel enraged. That’s all it takes for me to feel disrespected. This started when in real life, out of nowhere I suddenly noticed that my mother was looking at me with hate, and before I knew it she told me terrible things about me (that I am less-than, defected, embarrassing etc.). What happened next is that this scenario kept playing in my mind with everyone, everywhere. For this reason, I always preferred solitude, to be alone. For a while now, when this happens, and I still automatically feel enraged, I endure the rage, that is, I don’t react to it, and instead I talk sense to myself, I say to myself: this person is not my mother. This person never hated me before, maybe they like me.
I wish I didn’t feel enraged and uncomfortable every time I notice that someone is looking at me, but I don’t have a choice on the matter. Just because I understand how this experience originated, and just because I correct my thinking each time (the italicized), it didn’t yet change the fact that I feel uncomfortable each and every time I am surprised by someone looking at me or my way. And this is a very important point that I am trying to make here, to you: we have to endure the discomfort, in other words, we have to suffer because we have no choice, when the suffering is automatic, like in my example. But good feelings are added to the experience because when I don’t react inappropriately (expressing anger at the person who just happens to look my way), when I talk sense to myself, I relax, I feel better, I am able to be present, instead of spacing out, so overall I feel better.
Another example: in a social setting, two people right next to me are enjoying themselves, having a lively conversation while ignoring me. I automatically feel left out, rejected, etc. It doesn’t feel good. I then talk sense to myself: not everyone likes me and prefers me to others. That’s fair: I don’t like everyone either. It people’s right to enjoy the company of this person and not of the other person. This doesn’t feel good, they are preferring other people over me, but they are not disrespecting me.
When I am being intentionally disrespected: In social situations, I used to not notice when it happened, and feel overall paralyzed and spaced out, later to obsess about it and imagine hurting that person back, feeling powerless because I could only imagine it and not really do it. Now I never, ever.. never ever remain quiet when I really am being intentionally disrespected. I respond clearly, loudly and I take action. And this is how I feel safe in social situations: I know that when I really am being disrespected, I can count on myself to respond. I am able to stand in front of a person, look them in the eye, look and feel fearless and say what I need to say. More confident, I am not spaced out and paralyzed anymore.
This is why I suggested to you yesterday to pick up one person who disrespects you- my idea is for you to stand up to that person, to assert yourself with that particular person. You can’t build the confidence I am talking about until you personally experience your own power- in action- when disrespected and mistreated.
anitaMarch 12, 2020 at 8:52 am #342936
Your point in the end is to practice feeling safe in social settings by asserting your power and speak out if someone clearly disrespect you. So do you agree my last idea? To be very attentive of my interactions with others, be detachedly objective, in order to accurately point out when I’m truly better off or the other person is safe?March 12, 2020 at 9:33 am #342958
I submitted my last post to you before I read your post before last. “to observe others carefully and pay attention on whether they’re toxic or worth my time, instead of staying in anxiety mode where I’m detached from the truth.. To be very attentive of my interactions with others, be detachedly objective, in order to accurately point out when I’m truly better off or the other person is safe”-
You asked if I agree with the above. Sure, I agree, it wouldn’t make sense to disagree. The problem though is that once you get anxious, you automatically detach, just like I automatically feel angry when I notice someone looking my way. It is automatic, which means you can decide on doing X but if Y happens automatically, then you are stuck in Y, at least for a while.
I think that to do better in a bigger social situation (you plus 2 or more people), practice first in smaller social situations (you and 1 other person): observe, be attentive of your interactions with that one person, etc. Practice and improve your function in 1-to-1 social situations, and you will do better in bigger social situations.
anitaMarch 13, 2020 at 1:49 am #343090
I’ve also thought that what first needs my attention and care is how to stop feeling so angry all the time. Seriously, it’s exhausting. It’s not good to be always angry and I’m always angry since I can remember. Even as a child, I was an angry child. I’ve decided that for my health excessive and chronic intense anger needs to be stopped.
I’m considering breathwork, mindfulness and even engaging in social activism (but it only makes me angrier, I always imagine debating and arguing with others) I want to stop it before it can cause serious sickness in my body (as it did with my mind)March 13, 2020 at 7:46 am #343108
You know when I talk about feeling possessed is that I literally feel taken by dark and cruel impulses that I can’t control. It’s like Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One close friend I had also mentioned how I can turn cruel and that also my voice “changes”. It’s ridiculous how I can look rational and sympathetic on the outside, no one would ever dream that I can reach psychotic levels of anger and rage. I can also be very empathetic and soft at the same time, seeing people and especially animals suffering makes me cry, once at a party one girl started breaking down cause her ex had died in a accident and I was the one crying along with her, despite being a complete strangerMarch 13, 2020 at 8:25 am #343112
I will quote from your recent two posts and comment. Please pay close attention to my comments, take them in, consider them, don’t let them slide off your awareness. Let them sink in some.
1. “I literally feel taken by dark and cruel impulses that I can’t control.. I can turn cruel and that also my voice ‘changes’… no one would ever dream that I can reach psychotic levels of anger and rage”-
– You were not born angry, not angrier than other babies. You were not born an abnormality. You are not a monster even when your voice changes. Your angry thoughts don’t make you abnormal. You are very angry, yes, and you have been very angry for a long time, but you are a normal human being, a normal human being who is very angry.
The reason I need you to stop thinking of yourself as a one of a kind abnormality is that it is not true, and if you continue to believe in what is not true, you cannot heal. In other words, if you think you were born very angry, that means there is nothing that can be done to change it.
2. “I’ve decided that for my health excessive and chronic intense anger needs to be stopped.. I want to stop it before it can cause serious sickness in my body (as it did with my mind)”-
– I agree: calm, we have better chances to remain healthy, but millions of people who suffered chronic anxiety and/ or chronic anger for decades, have reached old age. Somehow, to a great extent, chronic anxiety and anger by themselves (without violent acts or when operating heavy machinery and such) don’t kill. Your intent to stop your chronic intense anger is excellent because your quality of life will greatly improve.
3. “I’m considering breathwork, mindfulness and even engaging in social activism (but it only makes me angrier, I always imagine debating and arguing with others)”-
– I don’t recommend social activism because you are too angry to engage in it. Breathwork and mindfulness guided meditations and activities (lots of literature on the matter) are excellent. But nothing, nothing will lower your anger except for you regularly standing up for yourself appropriately in social situations. You have to learn how to be way more assertive with everyone you interact with than you have been so far.
Learning to be way more assertive will be way, way … more difficult than doing breathwork and mindfulness exercises. This is where your hard work will be.
Let me know what you think about what I wrote (1,2 & 3), when you are ready, and we can continue.
anitaMarch 13, 2020 at 8:41 am #343116
I’ve went back to read your replies about assertiveness and how to make yourself respected and how you practice it
When I am being intentionally disrespected: In social situations, I used to not notice when it happened
What I’m curious about is… You said that once you didn’t notice fast when disrespect on you happened but that now you don’t have problems asserting yourself if it’s the case. What I want to know is, what makes you notice now when are you disrespected?
I know ive already asked a similar specific question but the answer wasn’t very clearMarch 13, 2020 at 8:44 am #343118
Also what enrages me or saddens me isn’t only explicit disrespect. Even not feeling heard, seen, mirrored or not explicitly showed the same love and warmth than others triggers me. what I mean is, my issue is not feeling hated or rejected but not being actively made feel welcomed or cared forMarch 13, 2020 at 9:24 am #343126
Regarding your second post (“Also what enrages me..”), I addressed that part in my March 12 post to you starting with “First, I recognize when I am not being disrespected“.
Regarding your first post (“I’ve went back to read..”), you asked: “what makes you notice now when are you disrespected?”
Examples (not recent): 1. a person entering my home, I am right there in front of him, but he doesn’t acknowledge me, doesn’t say hello. 2. I am talking to a person who is looking at me while I talk to her. While I am talking she turns her head to another person and talks to that person. 3. A woman walks toward me, bumps into me, and continues to walk without saying anything to me. 4. I tell a person that I don’t want to eat anymore, but she pressures me to eat more.
anitaMarch 13, 2020 at 10:50 am #343148
My biggest trigger is not feeling actively valued or at least acknowledged. Btw I’m looking forward to tell you how my practice of assertiveness goes