March 10, 2020 at 9:41 am #342620
there are looots of entries with reflections like these or similar to these. I apologize if they’re not easily Comprehensive or aren’t logical or make sense at all, I understand this, I couldn’t understand them myself. I couldn’t understand myself, my thoughts or what happened with me at all.March 10, 2020 at 11:50 am #342640
I didn’t understand the first line, but that’s okay. The brain is so creative, that your brain is original, as mine is, so the thought you wrote in your recent post, I didn’t have identical thoughts to yours. What I will do next, is quote from what you wrote and write to you of my own, personal past experience that comes up for me (I am not suggesting therefore that what comes up for me was or is true to you too):
* “I can’t think normal thoughts without imagining that I’m saying them to someone else and imagining myself from their point of view”- I remember a few years ago I was on a hike in a beautiful nature setting and I was talking to someone in my own head, telling them about what I was seeing. It made me feel weird, asking myself: why am I talking to someone who is not there instead of just enjoying the view? It was as if there had to be someone else to see it before I could see. Makes me think of a child needing a figurative mirror aka the parent, to reflect back to the child what is real/ what is going on. In the relationship- isolation I grew up in (a mother that was there physically but was so occupied with her own distress, her own intense emotions, that she didn’t even see me, so no mirror for me), I made up a person watching me, talking to that made up person, so that I wasn’t alone after all. Yes, I was so alone that I made up a person to be with me.
* “Memories and images, ‘vibes’, that pop up but I can’t understand if it’s in my mind making them up or they come from reality”- makes me think of what still feels like it really happened: at night, I was lying in bed, a child, sleeping, but feeling a cat walking very slowly on top of my body, for a long, long time. I didn’t open my eyes because I was afraid. Because there was no cat in the apartment where I lived, never. To this day I am puzzled by how real and for how long that was happening, I still feel that cat walking slowly on top of me.
* “As I fall asleep, my mind can imagine me or a ‘sense of me’ that is physically distant from me”- when I was falling asleep, child, or a teenager, I remember feeling like I was falling and falling into a pit of darkness. I was so scared at night when it was summer, so hot and humid, it made my tics much worse, and I couldn’t fall asleep because I had to, was compelled, to contract every voluntary muscle imaginable a certain number of times (a combination of Tourette Syndrome and OCD, to be diagnosed decades later, in my twenties).
* “I definitely feel the detach between my inner self and my interacting/ real self… Always have showed off a self to my family & friends while my true self is something new and strange to them”- I remember as a child, teenager and later, not understanding how it can possibly be that people don’t see me as the crazy person I am, were they fooled? I didn’t understand. I suspected they all know, for sure, that I am crazy, and for some reason they let me live amongst them. I was pretending, they were pretending that they didn’t see how crazy I am, but at any time, someone will confront me and say: you think we didn’t know? We’ve known all along!
* “Feel like what happens to me externally is a mix of my personal inner world. If I see something I fear it may return as an abstract or dreamy memory and so I fear I may no longer set apart reality from this muddle of stuff”- I believed that thoughts I had will make reality happen, that if I heard a word or thought it, it could cause someone to die. This was the basis for so many rituals (OCD compulsions) aimed at neutralizing my evil and dangerous thoughts.
* “I fear I may not be human and that I don’t have a life like Others”- I thought I was crazy, abnormal, weird, unacceptable, a freak of nature in a world where everyone else was sane, normal, acceptable.. I had no idea why I wasn’t perhaps isolated and studies for my freakiness, I think, how I was allowed to hang around the Normal world.
* “I feel confined in a state of confused and undefined boundaries”- yes, I was very much confused.
* “I fear I may not exist”- I remember wishing I did not exist. Existing was too painful. Early on in life I knew I will not bring a new child into this world to suffer.
* “What’s wrong with me, why am I like this? I fear there’s no remedy, not even Death, there’s something abnormal about my feelings I can’t trust them..”- I don’t remember as a child or a teenager thinking about my feelings. I remember drowning in what I may not had the word for, in my mind, overtaken by pain, agitated by fear day in and day out, every day, multiple times per day, often, multiple times per minute.
* “my high school crush… Imagining myself from his eyes (or how I imagined him seeing me)”- I am taking a break from recording my personal experience to comment on what I recently thought about you imagining that your crust sees you acting cool and such, I don’t remember the words, but what I thought was that you were imagining him liking you, simply liking you. And I thought to myself that you didn’t get that liking from anyone, like your mother, you didn’t get her to look at you in an I like you! kind of a way.
* “I fear I only ever lived in my mind without contacts with the outside world”- I desperately wanted contact with the outside world. I remember as a teenager, every Friday and Sat night watching couples walking on the street toward the town center, hand in hand, talking, laughing, oh, how deprived I felt, and how frustrated, week after week… after week, year after year, watching the Others Living, while I was stuck in .. Nothing-going-on, alone, unwanted.
-Like I wrote early in this post: no one, past, present and future, had, has or will have your exact thoughts and images, there are simply too many combinations of words, ideas, and images possible, many more than there are people in the world.
anitaMarch 10, 2020 at 1:35 pm #342662
I’m hit right now with extra intense feelings of hatred and rage towards people that implode inside of me, it’s crazy how intense it is, it’s almost homicidal. I imagine myself beating them or say them very cruel things I don’t feel like repeating here. And why? Because often I feel I’m implicitly treated like stupid, or with coldness, or made fun of, or treated like a clown. I wish I could be assertive and notice these feelings as they happen in real time interactions so to make myself respected but often I don’t know if it’s like this or I’m the one overthinking?
I can’t stand feeling like this, it’s a poison. Sometimes I pray I had the chance that people truly showed off as they really are towards me so that I can either exit or stay, sometimes I wish I truly had the chance to beat someone ass. I can’t help it, I’m very aggressive and resentful
Many times I’ve considered I may be borderline or have some personality disorder, given how strongly I need certain people love but can be very hateful and spiteful towards them at the same time
(Thanks for your throughout response to my entry btw. Much of what you read is merely a translation of something a lot more twisted and not easily comprehensive that sometimes still happens in my mind.)March 10, 2020 at 2:05 pm #342666
You are welcome. I relate to your intense anger at people, experienced it myself when I was young. It was so intense.
“given how strongly I need certain people’s love but can be very hateful and spiteful toward them at the same time”- angry because of not receiving the love you need so very much, correct?
anitaMarch 11, 2020 at 1:26 am #342738
Yes i definitely don’t feel like I have the love I need so much.
I wish I had the chance to beat someone or seriously hurt someone emotionally, at least finally someone else would hurt the same and I shouldn’t be the one carrying all this.March 11, 2020 at 8:40 am #342760
Maybe your anger is up these days because you are stuck with your parents and sister in the same home, not being able to leave the house because of the coronavirus scare (are you not allowed to take walks outside?)
Here is what you wrote about your anger recently: “extra intense feelings of hatred and rage… crazy how intense it is, it’s almost homicidal. I imagine myself beating them or say them very cruel things… I’m very aggressive and resentful.. I wish I had the chance to beat someone or seriously hurt someone emotionally, at least finally someone else would hurt the same and I shouldn’t be the one carrying all this”-
– notice this: the intensity of your anger is equal to the intensity of your hurt underneath the anger. Can you imagine being this hurt? That’s a whole lot of hurt.
I know this intensity of hurt, I can now feel how it felt early on, the hurt. For the longest time I was aware of my childhood (and onward) anger, but I was not aware of my childhood hurt. What a surprise it was for me, to become aware of that early-life hurt. When we are children we are literally and figuratively soft, so when a parent/another hurts our feelings, it hurts a lot. A punch, be it physical or verbal, goes very deep into us, creating a huge bruising.
We get angry to protect our softness, to not get hurt anymore. Eventually we don’t feel soft anymore, and so, we don’t feel hurt, we don’t feel love, we feel mostly angry. We lose our softness and our loving nature; we become hard and hateful.
March 11, 2020 at 9:42 am #342784
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
My anger is always this up, since forever actually, it’s only that lately I’m starting to embrace it and i am slowly stopping to feel sorry for my thoughts or hatred, prior I was trying to keep my darkness at hold now if I had the chance to hurt someone either physically, I’d take it gladly. I don’t care.
I’ve beaten myself up for thoughts and impulses beyond my control all my life, I’ve feel guilty, ashamed, inferior, undeserving for them only to ‘protect others’, these thoughts and feelings only hurt me though.
Yes I’m aware that there’s lot of suffering below. Suffering for being treated only decently instead of being loved, for feeling disrespected, for having to cope with my mental health all by myself since almost forever, tired of having to show up for others while others never do the same for me. Tired of having to hold up, of being ignored or dismissed. Tired of myself for never freeing myself. All my life I’ve beaten myself up for being unlovable, stupid, weird, wrong, because others either neglected me or barely accepted me. I’ve questioned it all, I still question it. I ask myself whether this dark feelings are justified at all, someone I know greets me warmly or have me doing small talk, or say they love me and then feel tremendously shitty with myself for thinking so ill of them deep inside. But I can no longer blame myself or asking myself what’s wrong with me, I can no longer take itMarch 11, 2020 at 9:46 am #342788
Oftentimes I wonder if I ever do you an accurate description of the people in my life, or it’s me who’s tremendously biased. I wonder if its truly others who reject me or it’s me who think so. I often struggle to understand what’s true and whats not, I’m really confused. I know I’m part of the issue but I am not completely sure to what extent others are too, I still don’t know.
Btw sometimes I fear that all this hatred and poison will give me serious health issues finally, like cancer and shit like that.March 11, 2020 at 10:37 am #342802
I want you to heal and become healthier and healthier. For this purpose I must say this: do not act on your anger by doing anything illegal that will make you end up in jail. Don’t physically harm an animal or human. If you do that, you will not heal, and instead, you will get even sicker in jail. As bad as life has been and still is for you, it can get worse. So do not express your anger aggressively against another by physically harming another.
I understand your great frustration. I was very angry myself for many, many years. Crazy- angry: I remember being on a bus and cursing the driver as I exited the bus, loud enough for the driver to hear, and for no reason, meaning, the driver did nothing to me. I felt very freaky, but my goodness, I was so angry, it just came out.
You do need to express your anger, only not in a way that will lead you to jail. But no doubt, your anger needs to be expressed, it has been there for way too long and intensely. It is a powerful force, this anger, and it needs to get out. How, I don’t know. How about this: pick up a real life person that you are angry at and tell that person so. It is not illegal to talk, so tell them so, sound angry, say angry words, express yourself.
What do you think?
Edit: I just read your recent second post, regarding you being confused whether a particular person really hurt you or not, and therefore if your anger at the person is justified or not (if I understand correctly). Connecting your second post with my suggestion above, you can tell me about a particular person, what he or she did to you, and I can give you my thoughts about whether your anger at that person is justified.
March 11, 2020 at 12:00 pm #342818
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
It’s strange to me to picture you cursing others or being spiteful, you always come across very peaceful and balanced and mature
By the way yes, I definitely agree that my anger needs to be vented, I can’t stand to hold it in my body every day every year, it’s a torture.
By the way, one person I’m particularly obsessed with is a former classmate that was and still is member of that team I talked you about. Shes particularly friendly and beloved by everyone she definitely goes out of her way to try to befriend others but she always was particularly passive aggressive towards me or at least that’s how I always perceived her. I can accept sarcasm or loose way of approaching if someone is close to me enough to go past that detached politeness first stage, but if you never seemed to care enough to be friendly to me in the first place you should stay in your lane in any other interactions you have with me. She used to make my blood boil for this and I always resent myself for never raise this up. She also used to only greet my very other close friend without greeting me too hello?? She’s like, everywhere I used to want to be, befriending people around me and kinda singling me out? That’s how I see it at least, and she always sees my instagram stories and often I suspect she tries to make subtly fun of me somehow? I don’t know. If I could smash her head against the concrete I’d do it gladly but actually what happen in the end is that I’m always civil and courteousMarch 11, 2020 at 12:44 pm #342834
Thank you for saying I come across very peaceful and balanced and mature, it makes me feel good to read you saying that. But I assure you that I was very far from being those things for most of my life. It took a lot of intentional, persistent, long term healing and this is why I want you to heal too, so that you too can be very peaceful and balanced and mature. But I do know it is a very difficult process, and that it is up to you to persist in it or quit.
This former classmate and current team member- I want to understand what specific wrongs she did to you. You mentioned her being passive aggressive to you but that’s not specific, I will need an example. Here is something specific: “She also used to only greet my very other close friend without greeting me too hello??.. singling me out?”- if you and someone else are in front of her, and she looks at the other person and says hello, while not looking at you and not saying hello to you, that is singling you out. Is that what happened (and more than once)?
Can you give me an example of her trying “to make subtly fun” of you on Instagram?
Problem is you are not sure if she wronged you or you just perceive it to be this way. I think that I can help you to become clear about it. But it will take you giving me specific examples, as if filming this or that happening for me. For example not greeting you, how that looked like if a camera was filming it.
If we figure out that she indeed singled you out and that she did it purposefully, then it is a good idea that you take the middle road between “smash her head against the concrete” and being “civil and courteous”, the middle way will be you telling her exactly what she did wrong, using an angry, strong voice while looking at her in the eye, standing straight and confident, and watching her.. well, watching her reconsidering her ways.
anitaMarch 11, 2020 at 2:02 pm #342844
I’ll try to be as specific as possible
Once in our high school class chatgroup I asked something about our final exam that was already perhaps asked multiple times and she sent an audio where she basically screamed the answer I needed, and everyone laughted, but honestly she only comes across as trying way too hard. She was annoying af
Also specific to me is whenever she behaves extra lovely or friendly to everyone else and I can basically notice the contrast with me, as I already pointed out to you. It’s not even something specific she does but this.
Once she even tried to behave as she didn’t notice me across the street but she clearly did. (It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happened at least two times)
And not to say that she’s like this constantly but oftentimes she is, or at least, that’s how I see itMarch 11, 2020 at 2:06 pm #342848
By the way I can say infinite amounts of times others in general have behaved this same way with me. Sometimes I get the impression others treat me like stupid or with passive aggressivity or alternatively, like I’m some kind of entertainment who says funny or outspoken things?March 11, 2020 at 2:28 pm #342856
What was your question regarding the final exam and what was the answer she screamed back at you?
(I bet this is unpleasant for you to recall and type it here, but I need the specifics).
Also, were you indeed “always civil and courteous” with her and with all your other peers whom you believe mistreated you???
anitaMarch 11, 2020 at 2:46 pm #342864
With “civil and courteous” I mean that I don’t act like how my violent fantasies say, but I have a reputation for being blunt and straightforward and very genuine I guess, so it’s not like someone can treat me bad and I’ll just say thanks
Maybe people don’t like me at first glance but I can’t change who I am. I already told you how once I was bullied and the adult figures suggested that I was the one who needed to change so not to be bullied anymore basically (disgusting isn’t it?) But I’m done changing or molding myself for others (I know, it’s easier said than done)
Yes dwelling accurately on those episodes is triggering to me but I’ll translate the best that I can our words:
I asked whether the teachers who were going to examinate us at the end of the year were from our school or from another and she basically yelled that they were not from another (exasperated cause it was already said many many times but hey it isn’t my fault if my mind can’t focus) I guess she wouldn’t yell when she has to lick someone ass