Another thing I’d like to add is that the dry, “restrained”, irregular or even apathetic responding you get from me here is in general my way of interacting with others. It’s like I’m too lethargic or listless to even say coherent sentences when I talk

Dear Anita

Here what I think has been traumatic in my life: feeling burdened at very young age by my mother emotions, a detached father, having often episodes of being outcasted/made fun of/bullied by school and peers since a very young age, frequent episodes of humiliation and shame (due to me feeling lost and disoriented in real life environments and interactions), feeling chronically unaccomplished and “less than”, spending my whole teen years trying to be someone else instead of just enjoying my years, OCD and other very burdening mental and existential issues, self loathing and extreme mood swings, the persistent feeling of life not being bad (“there are people who have it worse”) but neither of it being enjoyable, gratifying and stimulating, feeling like I have to hide or suppress many parts of myself, also suffering about my crushes has been traumatic for me (it’s laughable to consider it traumatic I know but I’ve suffered obsessively really a lot for them)

I also achieved a new insight: that talking about myself so in depth like I’m doing in this thread just plain terrifies me. I used to think that it would only feel like this in case I would talk with my mom or other certain people but now I realize it’s terrifying in whatever case. That’s another reason I don’t always like to talk with psychotherapists cause opening myself like this is scary and I fear other people responses and opinions, even yours sometimes (not that you scare me, it’s how I feel about everyone in general)

Dear Anita

I know that the way you wish I took it “seriously” was by seeking a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist, however I’ve already made clear why that isn’t possible and even available on different levels at this time in my life. I don’t even want to cut all contacts with my family, in case that’s what you meant with withdrawing loyalty from them. Whatever it means, it’s not a easy and immediate process, not even in processing it mentally.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Gaia.

dear Anita

I feel like I’m doing good enough these days. Coronavirus has spread all through Italy and we all should stay home and avoid contact and going out the best we can. It’s a bit sickening to stay so much inside but however I’m working on myself and trying to be positive for myself instead of toxic. I’m trying not to minimize my pain and try to acknowledge it and instead of beating myself endlessly for indulging in old toxic habits, I try to be accepting of them and remind myself that if they exist, it’s justified. it means I was and am in so much pain that they are needed. I’m trying to stop saying that there’s something wrong with me or that I’m something inherently bad or monstrous, I’m just a person who hurts and have been hurt, but I know that can change.

Sometimes it hits me with shame that I have been also lazy all my life and indulgent and despite that “complaining” even while out there people deal with far worse hardships and still are more mature and responsible than me, but I’ve decided that whenever I’m hit with intense shame or self hatred I’m going to write it here instead of letting it sink inside of me.

dear Anita

me and the people nearest to me are healthy. My sister recently came back from a highly infected zone but she’s ok, she’s only required to stay home a couple of weeks and so us too.

For a moment as I read your words about me being aggressive against myself I felt the urge to add “well, I’ve not been as aggressive towards myself as I’ve been with Others, especially in my mind” but I no longer want to invalidate, belittle or not acknowledge my own suffering.

I’ve been also thinking about how things are different than before on a positive note, compared to a couple of years before now when I had at least one panic Attacks (or two) everyday and none to entrust, besides strangers on the internet. My dilemmas and anxieties were so complex and abstract that researching on the internet couldn’t provide me with relief, it was literal hell. I’m going to type here what I used to write on my journal to give you an idea

“Upon my multiple senses of selves I also feel like it adds my consciousness who now wants to get better/

I fear I don’t have a soul or a center in me, that I can’t think normal thoughts without imaginating that I’m saying them to someone else and imaginating myself from their point of view/

Memories and images, ‘vibes’, that pop up but I can’t understand if it’s my mind making them up or they come from reality (things I may have seen, dreamt, thought, or a mix of this)/

As I try to fall asleep, it’s like my mind makes up songs, book phrases, places and scary thoughts like: what’s your true face/place, where you are most real (and stuff like this, it’s scary that I can’t find a specific point to this)/

As I fall asleep, my mind can imagine me or a “sense of me” that is physically distant from me/

I definitely feel the detach between my inner self and my interacting/real self, if now I tried to focus on what I say to Others or show to Others I feel the split as it wasn’t the true me and it makes me panic as it makes me think I may Always have showed off a self to my family&friends while my true self is something new and strange to them/

Panic if this state of existential confused fear may repeat in my life causing even more disasters in me, in the way I perceive life with its dreamy memories and vibes, I fear I Always have been in danger in a sick existence/

Feel like what happens to me externally is a mix of my personal inner world. If I see something I fear it may return as an abstract or dreamy memory and so I fear I may no longer set apart reality from this muddle of stuff/

I fear I may not be human and that I don’t have a life like Others/

I feel confined in a state of confused and undefined boundaries/

Panic that I feel there’s something sick and crazy and wrong in my life like it’s non linear (panic increased by existential futuristic movies with time loops, lappings, non linear stuff) it makes me nauseating and so it does that reality is different from everyone point of view, that reality is not just one, I fear I may not exist./

It frustrates me how fragile and weak I am emotionally, like I’m on border of insanity and a life without real pains. What’s wrong with me, why am I like this? I fear there’s no remedy, not even Death, there’s something abnormal about my feelings I can’t trust them…

…especially when it comes to my high school crush. Why did I trust my friend opinion body and soul? My only contact with him was in my fantasies and in what my friend said about him. Did we even see the same reality? I spend a huge part of my life imaginating myself from his eyes (or how I imaginated him seeing me) what I am, beside that? I fear so many abnormal little weird things happened in my life. What I say is nonsensical, my life is nonsensical/

I fear I only ever lived in my mind without contacts with the outside world/

I fear little dumb things I’m used to do: pulling thin hair, moving my finger as I was writing randomly words I’ve been thinking or I dwell on them doing weird gestures and  grins fantasizying

I fear how my mind organizes things and reach conclusions before me or Beyond my own understanding,/

I can’t believe to something for real or pray for real. It’s like my life and thoughts are a little show with my own self like I’m hyper aware or my mind is omnipotent

There’s no me Beyond me imaginating myself or myself from Others point of view. When I think ,feel or do things it’s like I Always watch myself do these stuff/