hello Anita! Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I did not have a romantic relationship until I was about 18. I fantasized about them definitely, which may equate to the many high expectations/assumptions I make about relationships now, often leading me to be nit-picky or quickly disappointed. As for my family, I was either teased very much about being too sensitive, leading me to push people away, or given very big responsibilities. As an adult, it was often the reason I left most relationships as well (did not want to have to worry/take care of an SO, they were too emotionally draining, was too busy to maintain a relationship, very used to being independent and only caring for myself), and therefore only kept things strictly casual. My parents are also divorced. It does not upset me, but seeing how my mother always talks about making the wrong decision “from the very beginning” definitely makes me extremely anxious about my own relationships, and commitment. I always fear doing the “wrong” thing, as to why I feel that I need to constantly satisfy an SO to make sure they like me. Men also intimidate me (verbal and sexual trauma) so I can struggle with confidence a bit.

no relationships have ever lasted more than 6 months. i think this may also be a gut reaction from my past, putting myself in flight-fight mode. it is hard for me to believe anything will last longer, and if it does, i get even more scared that the longer it lasts, the more i will be hurt if we break up.