Dear kris:

More comments then:

1. You wrote about your stepmother (you prefer to not refer to her as anything with “mother” in it, so I stick to Shirley, the name you used) that “She has anger issues and the smallest thing would make her mad… I appreciate that she cooks food for us and cleans the home”- I understand from personal experience, that a clean home with good food does not, at all, make up for anger expressed aggressively, or passive aggressively,  be it a loud voice, disapproving tone of voice or facial expression, silent treatment, and so on.

2. “She said she wants me to love her”- she can’t ask you to feel anything that you do not feel. Feelings don’t accommodate what others think we should feel, or what they would like us to feel. It is not realistic to express to you that she wants you to love her.

This puts you in an uncomfortable position, and so, “I told that sure I will but I cannot feel any connection”.

It is okay, perfectly fine, that you don’t love her, that you don’t feel any connection. All that you feel or don’t feel is acceptable, no right or wrong feelings. We feel what we feel.

3. “I am sick of all this controlling… especially that she is trying to control my life when she is not even my mom”

Two things, first: if her controlling is unfair to you, abusive in any way, than it would be as unfair and as abusive if she was your biological mother. It is wrong either way.

Second: demanding that you don’t see your girlfriend as often as you did before, and for lesser time when you did see her, may very well not be unfair. Doesn’t read to me like it is unfair for the following reasons: it is indeed for your best interest that you graduate the engineering program, so you need the time to study and relax at home (if you are given the time and space to study and relax uninterrupted at home!)

(I don’t know the specifics of what is a reasonable demand, that you see her once or twice a week, or maybe three times but, for a shorter time per get together, etc.)

I think it is reasonable for the two of them to … rain on your parade somewhat, reasonably, because they finance your studies and living, correct? So as long as they do, they have the right to reasonably, assertively (but not abusively) control your behavior.

4. Now that your father allows you to see your girlfriend without Shirley’s knowledge, I don’t know about that, wouldn’t she notice your absence from the home?

anita