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    Alright so I am having a weird feeling with my dads wife. I do not like to call her my step mom because i do not feel any mom and son type of connection. So my dad married her about 8 years ago in 2010. At first I thought she was nice and all. But later on the “mask” came off. She has anger issues and the smallest thing would make her mad. After that I stopped liking her and I told myself that she will never be my mom or would I ever accept her as my mom and to this day i still follow that belief. I appreciate that she cooks food for us and cleans the home but there is zero love at all with me towards her.

    So lets skip to 2018. I found a girlfriend and we connected the first day like magnets and we just love each other a lot. Okay so my dads wife talked to my dad and she told him that I have to break up with my girlfriend (we are about a month and half into the relationship) because we need more “family” time and that it’s either I break up with her or get kicked out. This honestly messed me up in a great way, first of all she is not my mom and has no right to even intervene with such things. My dad was also on her side but he later came to me and said to see her in secret. My dad is the best and I will always love. Him and my bio mom are the only people that i care for my girlfriend to meet, also my step brother because he is like a real bro to me.

    Now a few days later my dad wife came up to me and said she is sorry and that she can see i was really sad and depressed and she did not want to see me like that. She said that she noticed I was getting disconnected with my dad, which is a little true but her trying to make me break up with my girlfriend is just stupid. I will always love my dad no matter what, but he dragged me into all this. I am in engineering and have 1 year left. Now my dads wife is treating me with kindness and love now and this has never happen before. she said she wants me to love her but i can’t, i told that sure i will but i cannot feel any connection, I cannot bare it. It feels really weird and I do not know why she is doing it until now, I really cannot accept it but I am for sure being respectful about it and playing along. I really want to move out of my home really soon. It will ruin my dad but it is my life and I feel like freedom is what i need. Because now they both are telling me I can only see my girlfriend once a week ( I am 20 years old this year) and I am sick of all this controlling honestly, my dad has always been controlling all my life and I am not liking this one bit, especially that she is trying to control my life when she is not even my mom. They said they are doing for my school and I keep telling them that I have a 90% average right now and that my girlfriend and I would study during the weekdays after school. i would come back home around 9pm sometimes due to the transit. my dad would always be calling and asking where i am when i told the truth about me studying and all that. but he never bought it. right now the situation has settled and they do want to meet my girlfriend. But all this with my step mom and all the controlling just has me sick. i was doing really well before all this happend. Now its even hard to study without having all this in my mind. My girlfriend understands the situation and she says that as long as we are a couple and together all will be good and I really want this to go as far as I live for, she is just perfect, we both are weird, we relate to many things, have same life goals of moving to Cali and just enjoying life. I know I have one year left but things at home are just so weird and i am not liking it. I feel like i am ready to move out. My friends have mentioned that we should be roommates and rent a place, I am all for it and i do have plenty of money for this to work out.

    I just want thoughts on this situation. I feel like it is an unfair situation and that I should be able to move around without being so controlled.

    Thank you


    Dear kris:

    I understand you wanting to move out. Reads like an excellent idea, as soon as it is possible for you.

    I see graduating school as a priority. I hope you can accomplish this sooner than later. I see this as a high priority.

    Regarding your stepmother’s involvement in your relationship with your girlfriend: reads to me that she didn’t tell you directly that you must break up with her or move out, but instead it is your father who told you that she said so.

    Did you hear your stepmother say anything about you breaking-up or moving-out or did you hear this from your father?



    Hey Anita thank you for replying.

    So my dad was the first one to approach me to tell me that I have to break up with her because they feel like I am being separated from the family and that I am not spending enough time with them. I am starting to feel that I do not need to be home, like if i go for awhile ( 1 week away) i will not miss home. But his wife came up to me later that day and said that she told him to tell me that and i feel that it was all her idea. She thinks shes fixing something but in reality she is not doing anything. I feel that it is an unfair thing to do, I am 20 in 2 months and they still have control over me. His wife finally felt bad as mentioned before and told me I can only see my girlfriend once a week, I honestly cannot accept this but I did because i do not want to deal with more problems. But I hate the fact to know that I will only be able to see her once a week and I hope when i’m done school for this semester (in about 3 weeks) I’ll see her often because with a lack of seeing her I will be feeling sad and missing her a lot. My girlfriend understands and is not mad about it, I will still see more but in secret even my dad agrees with that. I am playing along with his wife only because I do not want to ruin their marriage or cause more problems.

    Yesterday (Easter Sunday) my dad and his wife met my girlfriend. They both acted good and was really nice to her. We ate dinner and had some laughs. The part that really pissed me off was when Shirley came out and started to talk about how we both should be careful as we are young and that life is still early. She also mentioned how we can only see each other once a week because we need more “family” time. In my own opinion she has no right to say all that because she is not my mom, she thinks she is but to me she is not my mom in anyway. I feel like this is still control when she denies it and says its for the better. This truly is affecting me because I feel like i am not getting freedom. I believe that any parent should let their son/daughter date if they are 20! I do admit i was coming home late on the week days but I was actually doing homework while my girlfriend did her homework but my dad kept texting and asking where I am at and would ignore him, so it could be kind of my fault as well. I love my dad a lot because it was always just us, he has been a single dad for 13 years until he met his wife. But with all these conditions I do not want them to continue when I move out and start my life, I do not want to cut them off from my life but if they still try to control me then I have no choice. I really do want to move out this summer if i do get the summer job that I have applied for, this job will definitely help support to pay rent and all that.

    Thank you for reading and every opinion on this situation counts, feel free to comment 🙂


    Dear kris:

    More comments then:

    1. You wrote about your stepmother (you prefer to not refer to her as anything with “mother” in it, so I stick to Shirley, the name you used) that “She has anger issues and the smallest thing would make her mad… I appreciate that she cooks food for us and cleans the home”- I understand from personal experience, that a clean home with good food does not, at all, make up for anger expressed aggressively, or passive aggressively,  be it a loud voice, disapproving tone of voice or facial expression, silent treatment, and so on.

    2. “She said she wants me to love her”- she can’t ask you to feel anything that you do not feel. Feelings don’t accommodate what others think we should feel, or what they would like us to feel. It is not realistic to express to you that she wants you to love her.

    This puts you in an uncomfortable position, and so, “I told that sure I will but I cannot feel any connection”.

    It is okay, perfectly fine, that you don’t love her, that you don’t feel any connection. All that you feel or don’t feel is acceptable, no right or wrong feelings. We feel what we feel.

    3. “I am sick of all this controlling… especially that she is trying to control my life when she is not even my mom”

    Two things, first: if her controlling is unfair to you, abusive in any way, than it would be as unfair and as abusive if she was your biological mother. It is wrong either way.

    Second: demanding that you don’t see your girlfriend as often as you did before, and for lesser time when you did see her, may very well not be unfair. Doesn’t read to me like it is unfair for the following reasons: it is indeed for your best interest that you graduate the engineering program, so you need the time to study and relax at home (if you are given the time and space to study and relax uninterrupted at home!)

    (I don’t know the specifics of what is a reasonable demand, that you see her once or twice a week, or maybe three times but, for a shorter time per get together, etc.)

    I think it is reasonable for the two of them to … rain on your parade somewhat, reasonably, because they finance your studies and living, correct? So as long as they do, they have the right to reasonably, assertively (but not abusively) control your behavior.

    4. Now that your father allows you to see your girlfriend without Shirley’s knowledge, I don’t know about that, wouldn’t she notice your absence from the home?



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