Hi Masha,

It sounds like you have figured out that what is important to you is your family.  Your girlfriend is also important to you.  Good for you for figuring out that you can deal with both.

You say you have no idea how to make this better with your mom.  What you have been trying to do, I think, is set some boundaries with everyone, and that is just good self-care.  The problem was that you were setting those boundaries based on your girlfriend’s value system and needs, rather than your own – at least, this is what it seems like to me.

You also have been figuring this out during your mom’s illness.  Cancer is scary and the people who have it cope with it any number of ways, as well as the people around them.

To make this better with your mom, maybe it would help if you first decide what you are willing/wanting/able to do for and with your mom, while managing your own life.  You can say to your mom, “Mom, I thought I needed space, but what I needed to do was figure out how to cope with everything that is going on.”  I am a mom with four kids.  If one of my kids said to me that they needed space, I might be hurt, but I would respect that.  And if they came back to me later and explained that they were trying to figure things out, I would understand completely.

While listening to your girlfriend influenced you to do things that went against your value system, I would avoid placing any blame on your girlfriend.  Doing so will only drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend.

You say you have apologized to your mom over and over and that your mom is having a hard time trusting you.  Actions speak louder than words – She will begin to trust you again when your actions match your words.

Airene