Dear Anita,

How are you? I hope this message finds you well. As always thank you for your kind and thought provoking messages.

The delay is down to the simple fact that I have been taking time to be as kind as possible to myself. And yes, the ego has tried to beat me down quite a few times, and I have tried to let it go with love and focusing on more positive aspects, which I actually have done and I have noticed myself feeling more positive in general. This is nice because this week alone I have been enjoying life more, seeing my partner and myself in more positive lights and just feeling calmer. It means that when some thoughts do creep in on me I kind of just let go and know they well pass as hard as they may be.

I’m really sorry to read about the guilt and anxiety that you experienced. It can’t have been easy and definitely resonates with me. Over the years has it improved for you? If so, what has helped you get to a more comfortable place? How do you cope with anxiety now??

I do understand more what you mean by the guilt now. This too came up in therapy, ‘when will you stop cutting yourself short and beating yourself up’ was what was said to me. For anyone I have told, they feel that I was drunk (lost any inhibitions) and still managed to be conscious enough to remove myself from the situation. So now I feel more proud of myself than anything.

Unfortunately I never knew why she did it, and if I do try and find out I get answers that don’t answer it. It was a tough time for definite. But I had been put out from home for maybe 1 or 2 years and often would have to wait in the garden and eventually she would let me in. So on and off for 2 years these threats were happening. They only stopped this final time when after it happened, I decided not to go back. and I guess that was a very important and wise decision for a 17 year old to make.