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  • #193269
    Derek
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

     

    I want to thank everyone on here for sharing their stories. I am still a bit nervous about posting this, but have found strength in reading that I am not alone with relationship anxiety.

    First, some background. I am a recent college graduate and since graduating have moved abroad. The reason for this is because halfway through my course I was on holiday in Spain and met a wonderful man. We did long distance for 1 year and a half which was hard but worth it. I am gay and this is my first relationship so I suppose it was even more nervewrecking at times because I was finally letting someone in. We do have a language barrier, I speak Spanish now to almost fluent, he is trying his best to learn English. We do our best to communicate how we can. In general it works, but there are times I get frustrated because of my frustrations and not being able to speak perfectly. Since moving to Spain, I have found it quite up and down. I have some days I think:

     

    My life is amazing, I love it here, I feel calm, I feel at peace and I feel supported in my relationship.

    Other days I have typical relationship anxiety days with the typical doubts:

    – Am I sure I love him?

    – Am I sure he is attractive?

    – Am I sure he loves me? What if he meets someone else?

     

    The list goes on. I have tried via mindfulness and meditation to overcome these demons. They really hurt me and sometimes I feel like I am hurting him.

     

    Background on me: I grew up in a single parent family. My parents had a volatile relationship and I basically have no contact with my father, limited contact via email with my mother and that’s pretty much it. This alone was enough to get me off to a shaky start. Whilst my relationship with my father never really existed, my mother more or less abandonded me at age 17. I suffered quite a few years of emotional abuse in terms of instability and never quite knowing where I stood or when the next outburst may happen. I believe that she had her own struggles in childhood and also in later live leading to a break in our relationship.

     

    So fast forward 10 years and here I am writing this post. I am currently in therapy which is helping. I read this blog and another one dedicated to relationship anxiety which also really keeps me focused. However, there are days I feel helpless. Today is one of these days and I feel like my reasons are quite irrational.

     

    When I was younger I wanted to escape and get away. I did this by overstudying to the point of almost burning myself out. I valued myself solely on my educational successes and anything less than an A was never good enough for me. On days like this is when the anxiety kicks in. My partner has no high school education. Due to personal xcircumstances he had to leave to take over the family business and look after his family (his father was taken ill, and almost passed away…luckily he didn’t). This meant that my partner basically saved their buisness, self-lessly and shows such a caring side to him, a loyal side and a side that show’s a strong character etc.

     

    But for some reason I fear that we won’t be ‘intellectually compatible’. That maybe because he doesn’t spell great, or have ambition to return to education that in the long run this will cause so much differences and pain and we will end up breaking up. A lot of the time I feel he does want to study one day, but he had a bad experience with education and often both of our self-esteems are low in different ways which obviosuly is an anxiety trigger.

     

    I am also purposefully not reading back over this to show my imperfections and try and accept them. My partner told me that it is ok to make mistakes ‘we are human and if we didn’t we would be machines’.

     

    So why then does it seem to be that I cannot rise above these differences, that they consume me. It does not come between us, he supports me fully, he told me he loves me no matter what I have achieved or will achieve. That he doesn’t care if I earn $100000000 a week, nothing will change because he loves me for me. But, I feel shocked because nobody has ever said this to me and I don’t know how to say it back. Maybe I don’t love myself enough to actually let this wall down to say it back?

     

    This week it is educational differences. Somedays its about attraction, money etc. It can change.

     

    But then I have days that I feel so clear about it all and look at him with such love. I don’t want to imagine life without him, to the point that I see us overcoming difficulties together. We really do communicate about everything, the good the bad and the ugly.

     

    I really feel like I am becoming my mother and treating him with irrationality about education just like she did me.

     

    In other words, help.

     

    #193271
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Derek,

    As we get older, education and where you got your degree matters less and less. If you read your yearly alumni bulletins you’ll see that the people who graduated ten years ago write about their amazing new jobs and houses. But the people who graduated fifty years ago talk about their grandchildren and catching up with old friends.

    Obviously, you tried to prove yourself by being perfect with the grades in response to your parents’ lack of care. That may have given you some relief in the moment, but once you’re out of school, you don’t get graded. (I give you a solid A in Life, btw).

    Be warned that this is your first relationship and anything could happen. Including staying together! Who knows??

    I would see a qualified counselor for your issues. (Me included, so you’re not alone!!)

    Just remember: your partner is not your parents!

    Best,

    Inky

    #193289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You wrote: “When I was younger I wanted to escape… I did this by overstudying… I valued myself solely on my educational successes and anything less than an A was never good enough for me.”-

    It is not only that you found your value in those A’s, you found safety in them, temporary safety, of course. When you got an A you were safe for a while.

    And now you keep looking for that safe feeling in A’s. You grade your partner, giving him less than an A in education, sometimes giving him less than an A in attractiveness. You grade your own love for him, giving yourself less than an A.

    When you were younger, you wrote in the quote above, you wanted to escape. I believe you wanted to escape the feeling of danger in your home and you found that safety in A’s, that is in perfection, no mistakes.

    The anxiety of long ago is still in you, ongoing, unsettled fear. If you work on your anxiety in therapy, learn ways to lower it, learn those skills (emotional regulation I think the term is), and then you learn to look for that feeling of safety elsewhere, that will help greatly.

    anita

    #194281
    Derek
    Participant

    Thank you both for your responses. I had a few days of clarity after and felt good about everything and we have been enjoying life happily.

     

    Qeirdly enough at at this moment I feel anxiety creeping in. I am wondering if we will have enough money. If I will ever achieve what I “want with education” as I will have to do it in a foreign language (Spanish) which is not my mother to gue.

     

    Then it latched on. Will he ever push himself more than he has done? Will he ever achieve more? What if he never earns more? Will he have enough to live? Can we survive on minimal wages? What do I do if I find others attractive and those who have more muscles? “Better jobs”?

     

    But resllt all i want to do is kiss him and tell him I’m scared. So that’s what I’m going to do I stead of letting this fear form too much of my happiness.

    #194355
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You are welcome. There will always be things to fear, things to worry about. If a person is financially secure, very wealthy, then there is that possibility of getting sick and dying and not be there to enjoy that financial security… that has happened to people, as you know.

    Anxiety is unsettled fear. The thinking brain looks for a problem to solve, so to settle that fear. It picks one problem, and if it is solved, then it will pick another problem and so on and on…

    So if you did choose a different boyfriend, a rich one, your brain will find another problem to think about, worry about.

    Better stay with the one who loves you, the one you love. And choose again and again love over fear, just as you had in the last two lines: “So that’s what I’m going to do instead“!

    anita

    #194691
    Jennifer Ann
    Participant

    Derek, I really love some of the advise that both Anita and Inky have given you.

    There is a qoute I want to share with you that changed they way I am in relationships for the better.

    “Your job is not to seek for love, but to look at all the barriers within yourself you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    On this life journey we all experience 3 top core beliefs areas that we are to release from. Love & Money are the most common two.

    You are on track in your relaitonship. This is what your relationship is designed to do for you. Release the Love Beliefs (barriers) you have built up.

    Your ego will use those beliefs to keep you safe because it’s your current level of safe you have created for yourself. Just like you stepped up in your acidemics for growth. It’s now time to shift in your soul-growth work to your emotional side for awhile.

    You are not the only who struggles with perfectionism. Yes, I too am a proud #RecoveringPerfectionist.

    Seeking high levels perfectionism is all ego, because perfectionism is a false illusion.

    Your partner is right we are human allow yourself to be human in more little steps like you did in posting this without reviewing it.

    Next, get control of allowing your ego to focus on your judgmental thoughts on your partner. If you allow this to happen it will end the relationship. I promise. Or you’ll both be silently miserable.

    I’ve had clients come to me with this “dirty partner/spouse laundry list” all your ego is attempting to do is keep you in your current love comfort zone. It’s your choice to grow though this and not let it rule.

    Some Love beliefs I’ve personally released are – perfectionism, doing-doing-doing to being & doing life, attatchment, and owning my soul truths and value w/o enternal validation from people or things.

    Your partner is your BEST mirror for you on where to look at healing these love beliefs and where to grow forward. You are right on track in this relationship.

    One last thing, a lot of people don’t know their personal values. Cleary you value education highly and probally one of your top values. You partner my not in the same way you do. We all usually live out 3 to 5 at most of our core personal values. Your relationship will have it’s own values too.

    My partner and I have one common of our core personal values – FREEDOM. However, this is not the case in all relationships. You have to decide if that is a deal breaker or a way to honor your individuality instead.

    Hope this is helpful to you and your love journey.
    Jen

     

    #194945
    Derek
    Participant

    Thank you all again.

     

    If anything I feel less alone now knowing that other people have had/have similar experiences.

     

    I definitely relate to the looking for different worries. I know because this week I have been so calm and in love and the very slightest thing could happen and not bother me. But if I am in a bad mood I get very judgemental very quiuckly.

     

    Thank you for that Anita. Even reading the words ‘a rich one’ made me realise what is important to me. I don’t need someone rich in financial terms, that is way easier to find than someone who is rich in love and respect. I will continue to focus on that the next time that I have anxious thoughts.

     

    Jennifer, I definitely feel this barriers more now, but yesterday I was working and I thought ‘I love him’. It was a very nice feeling, I just had an urge to tell him. And I felt nice stomach sensations rather than crippling fear.

     

    I definitely have been tryimng to face the ego head on. For example, rather than close off and shut down the other day I just told him ‘I feel scared and i don’t know why.’ And it helped the fear quieten. I also have started answering the judgemental thoughts, by realising that they are not true thoughts and that what I can focus on are the positive thoughts/feelings I have about him based on our time together.

     

    The last point you made did make me feel anxious. I often worry that maybe this ‘difference’ in education may become too much. But, really, I can love education and grow in that sense alone as part of the relationship.  I think at times I overvalue it, i.e. my self esteem was built on it which is not healthy.

     

    I also a(after calming down from reading the difference statement) realise that we have very common core values:

    – love and respect

    – love for family

    – how to treat children and how we believe in disciplining them (with words not physical action)

    – how we love to explore in differnt ways…travel for example

    – how we love to seize the moment

     

    But most of all, we both just want happiness and I do believe in my heart that is what we provide for each other, however scary that may be. I think that making educational differences a dealbreaker would break my heart only. We are so much more than what a title or university course says about us. For example, both of our personal circumstances when we wer younger impeded us from further education one way or another. I was fortunate enough to go back. He however did something so selfless by taking over the role of his family business and providing for them when they had no one else to turn to.

     

    Now, I believe after hearing years of ‘jokes’…simple comments about his spelling, his memory, that he believes he CANNOT do it. That hurts because I want him to know he can take on the world and will never receive anything but support from me. I think it comes from a place of love, that I want him to have these opportunities too because he deserves them. But, I need to accept that these decisions must come from him and in the present moment it does not matter.

     

    I can’t predict the future so must stop trying to.

     

    #194967
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    In your original post you wrote that you over-studied. You wrote: “I valued myself solely on my educational successes and anything less than an A was never good enough for me.” Your partner doesn’t have much education.

    Taking into account the title of your thread, “Judgmental Thoughts” and the content of your posts, clearly you judge him as lacking personal value because he lacks formal education. You have this core belief formed in your early childhood that a person’s value is in a person’s education. No education- no value.

    You argue with this core belief:  but he saved his family’s business, selflessly, “such a caring side to him, a loyal side and a side that shows a strong character”!. But the core belief argues back: “we won’t be ‘intellectually compatible’.. he doesn’t spell great, or have ambition to return to education”! The other part of you argues back: “We are so much more that what a title or university course says about us!” and the argument keeps playing out.

    You wrote: “I really feel like I am becoming my mother and treating him with irrationality about education just like she did me”- you have a point. A core belief is formed in a child, formed by a parent. A child believes anything that the parent will communicate to a child. Your mother communicated to you that a person’s value is in his education and that belief stuck. naturally. If she communicated to you that a person’s value is in his loving nature, that would have stuck.

    What you shared about your partner reads wonderful, that he supports you fully, told you (and otherwise communicated to you) that he loves you no matter what you achieve, that he doesn’t care how much you earn, that it is okay to make mistakes, to not be perfect. The two of you  communicate so well about anything and everything. You have a very valuable partner, an exceptionally valuable partner, if your sharing is true to reality.

    But your mother taught you that he is not valuable because he doesn’t have education. And you believed her because you were a child and she was your mother.

    You wrote: “But then I have days that I feel so clear about it all and look at him with such love”- these are days when you are temporarily free from that limiting and false core belief.

    This core belief is raining on your parade, so to speak and it is raining on his as well. You have been communicating to him, intentionally or not, that he is not valuable because of his lack of education. This is hurting him. It is not fair to him.

    It is possible to examine core beliefs in quality psychotherapy, to determine if one is objectively true, true in this context but not in the other context, and change, adjust or dismiss a particular core belief. It may be worthwhile for you to attend such therapy (CBT, I believe would be the therapy).

    anita

    #195171
    Derek
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    I thank you so much for this eye-opening and challenging post. I want to say I had never considered it as a core belief, I guess I am still laerning about all that, and therapy is helping. I did some psychotherapy for a year, then did some group psychotherapy and now am doing 1 on 1 therapy, but I cannot remember the exact name, I think it is psycho-social. The idea is to explore emotions and heal the inner child. We specifically tackle my relationship anxiety and it is helping, but as you mentioned anxiety is fear.

     

    I also want to thank you for helping me to choose love over fear. Last night when I got home late (we both are learning a language each so Tuesday is a later evening for us) we sat together and I said what I had to:

     

    “I am very sorry from the bottom of my heart if ever I have made you feel less than me or anyone else for not having a degree. I think that I have my own issues in relation to education which frighten me greatly, and maybe I will always find it difficult to understand why people don’t feel the same, or why maybe you don’t ever want to study, but for you I accept that because I love you for you. I think you are an incredible person with the biggest heart I have ever met and that is what you have shown me is important and I really do love you with all my heart`

     

    It was a nice moment because I felt like I was taking care of myself and him together, we are stronger together. When you said: ‘ You have been communicating to him, intentionally or not, that he is not valuable because of his lack of education.’ I almost cried in pain because I would never want to do that to him, and I suppose I understand how that feels.

     

    And then this morning, the core belief attacked again. My brother has a girlfriend and I asked what she does. She is doing her PhD and I felt tense, scared and less. Then I realised that all anyone wants is happiness and we are all on our own individual paths, so I let it go and focused on the positives in life.

     

    Thank you again for taking time out to respond to me. I want you to know that I value it greatly.

    #195177
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You are very welcome. You did very well recognizing this core belief being triggered this very morning. You heard something and it was triggered causing you distress. Pay attention when that triggering happens in the context of your relationship with your partner. When it does, do not automatically or impulsively react to the distress by saying anything at all. Pause and think before you say anything to him.

    This is the practice: pay attention, notice the triggering, pause. Calm yourself and rethink.

    In therapy, I hope you examine this core belief. Formal education has, in reality, value. You can’t get many jobs and pursue many careers without this or that formal education. Many people cringe when communicating with a person who uses poor grammar. And so forth. Maybe it will help if you explore this issue yourself, in writing (here or elsewhere), and figure out what formal education mean to you.

    anita

    #195203
    Derek
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for the encouragement. Yes that is the next step. To pause and not say anything because sometimes saying it almost starts the loop of anxiety again, rather, than letting go.

     

    I have therapy on Monday and will be bringing this very theme to the session. I even thought about printing one or two of your recent posts off and highlighting parts.

     

    It’s funny, because reading you say ‘Formal education has, in reality, value.’ I can literally feel my body heat as I read/type that. It’s like a fear, I really can’t explain. Anxiety latches on to that like a ‘oh no, she thinks the relationship won’t work’ or ‘oh no maybe I value this and need to consider it in the greater context of my relationship.’ I think the key here for me is explore how I can maintain my individual values and goals as a member of a relationship, rather than expecting my relationship to provide me with 100% of my needs.

     

    I used to cringe, but it feels somewhat freeing to write and not change or correct. JUST WRITE! The message is what is important. I had this issue when he gave me a card for my anniversary, and when I originally moved here. He made two little mistakes in both cards, and my anxiety flared, until I could soften and read WHAT he was saying and really feel loved. I do feel like maybe I care too much what others think – it’s almost the perfecctionist trap again. If we are both Doctors, Psychologists, Lawyers etc then we LOOK amazing and ARE amazing. But, he is happy with his role in his family food business. He is happy learning English at his pace. That’s the key, he is happy and can find beauty in the little things.

     

    Ive also noticed I do it with a lot of people – recently looking around the office I can’t help but think HOW they managed. They say the most bizarre things and have the most banal conversations. I really know that this is in my head and now that you’ve helped me name it ‘core belief’ I really do feel I can work with this fear and anxiety, and hopefully whatever the outcome, it is made with peace and love.

    #195205
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You noticed once again an activation of a core belief and the anxiety attached to it. Fear was triggered and certain physiological processes took place immediately, raising your body temperature, preparing you to fight or flight, the two activities animals do when scared.

    Information about your core belief about education (there are more core beliefs, of course) is in what you were taught about education, as a child. You mentioned your mother’s input. What did she teach you about the value of education?

    And more importantly, what did she teach you about love, her love for you?

    anita

     

    #195207
    Derek
    Participant

    Anita,

    So that’s a positive thing to notice and reflect I guess, rather than panic and make irrational decisions?

     

    I don’t remember much, my late teens were quite blurred with emotional neglect or perhaps emotional abuse is the best way to say it.

     

    I did remember two things. When I was very young I remember crying at the kitchen table because I could not spell the word grandad. Even though she showed me how to, each time she came back I had put a double d. I remember she got very frustrated and wouldn’t let me leave. I also remember that each Friday we had a spelling test in class, and I used to always ‘win’. Another thing I remember is that she would call me in during the summer holidays when I was playing with friends or whatever to make me sit and revise my mathematics times tables. I remember I used to be so upset/embarrassed because I was the only one who was called to do it. I believe she meant well, but it’s worth reminding that she was forced to leave school at 15 to go and work (her family background is quite negative). I guess that is like my current partner (only he comes from a generally loving and supportive family). I know I used to get upset because we couldn’t afford new textbooks and I always had to have second hand ones.

    One other thing I remember, when I was 18 I was sitting my finals in high school. At the time I was no longer living with her because of the difficulties of the situation and was forced to live with a family member. I bumped into her after an exam, which I had made a mistake in and explained to her the mistake I made, and how I rectified it (I was proud I noticed the mistake, and thought fast to correct it) and she said ‘Well what did you do that for?’ in a very critical tone and I remember feeling very sad.

     

    Her love for me was very conditional. I remember that if we ever did something wrong at home, it was quite common for her to pointblank ignore us as punishment. Likewise, I do know that when I did well in school etc she praised me a lot, and encouraged me a lot. If I was ever in trouble or anything like that I would be punished. She used to check up a lot on my work too, and make sure my stuff was always signed. But love wise, I do really struggle to remember the good times but I am not sure if that is a stress reaction. I dont know if I shut off from memories, that is why I can’t remember, almost as a protective factor. Other people often don’t understand when I mention that I cannot remember the so called ‘good times.’

    I remember my brother was not very academic, he had potential to be but liked to be out with friends etc. I remember when his results came too they weren’t as good as mine (although he was older) and I remember he was upset in his room, probably because he hadn’t achieved what he ‘should’ have.

    #195221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    The physiological happenings in the body when fearful over a long time, aka being anxious, do not allow for a good memory. I hardly remember a thing from my childhood. What I remember can be played in a five minute film, I think, maybe ten, I am thinking. The brain/ body is too busy and too exhausted with that fight/flight/freeze (three reactions to fear), that it doesn’t record what is happening. And so, we remember this and that in isolation, and lots of blur.

    When you misspelled grandad (the automatic spell checker corrected the single d, produced a correct spelling with double d… meaning you were right all along about the spelling with a double d?), your mother “got very frustrated and wouldn’t let (you) leave”. You wanted to leave then, she didn’t let you. You probably wanting to do the flight thing, get away from the perceived danger.

    When a parent is visibly angry at a child, like your mother was when you… may have misspelled the word, the child perceives the angry parent as danger. As a matter of fact, we all perceive angry people as danger. A child definitely does.

    Like I wrote t you in an earlier post, your safety was in doing well in education, your perceived safety, that is. Your safety was in correct spelling. If you spell correctly, if you get an A, then your mother will not get angry with you, and you will be safe.

    I am not surprised that you “really struggle to remember the god times”- the brain naturally focuses on possible danger. Animals focus on the same as escaping danger and surviving is the goal in nature. A parent cannot- it is impossible- neutralize punishment with praise, neutralize fear with love. Aggression does not allow loving moments to stick, not in the memory and not in experience otherwise.

    At one point and on you stop feeling good when the hand that figuratively, or literally, slaps your face hard later caresses you. Do you agree?

    anita

     

     

    #195227
    Derek
    Participant

    Hello again,

    Yes and the sad thing is – it just creastes nerves and perfectionism in kids. When really everyone makes mistakes.

    So I understand a lot but don’t. And being in the relationship has helped me remember.

    It is curious you mention that, because I often feel very calm when my partner caresses my face. We tend to always hold hands as we watch tv, but also as we go to fall asleep. And I ALWAYS feel calm and safe as we do it.

     

    So maybe the safety thing is education because it was always a way for me to be stable and safe. So when I worry about the future and whether I am good enought to continue my studies here rather than in English, I think that studying will make me safe because my fear stems from uncertainity and studying/exams always lead to a grade defining where I am at. Maybe I project onto my partner this fear too:

     

    For example, I am worried about the future, buying a house, children etc so think AH I NEED TO DO MY MASTERS TO MAKE SURE I GET MONEY. Then I panic, and think, YOU NEED TO STUDY NOW BECAUSE YOU ‘ONLY’ RUN THE LITTLE FOOD STORE AND IF YOU ARE INJURED OR AS YOU GET OLDER THAT MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE AND WHAT WILL WE DO, i.e. how will we be safe? So that’s why I fear misspelling, or potential differences in intellect because I fear that it is confirming my fear, rather than soothing it. It’s like I am sel-fulling my own fears.

     

    The only thing we can be sure of is the present. Everything else we will find a way. I do notice that when I help my partner with his English I would get extremely frustrated if he didnt get the answer instantly. Now I try a softer approach.

     

    The mind has strange ways…..

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