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Judgemental Thoughts

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  • #215399
    Derek
    Participant

    That’s true!

     

    I do wonder why those thoughts come up, but I guess I am so self critical about myself that he is like my mirror and I reflect to him. Im also worried that when he arrives maybe I will flinch and I just remind myself that’s just another way for fear to show up so let ig go and no googling.

    #215401
    Derek
    Participant

    That is very true.

     

    So thought patterns must be learned or at least associated with past experiences.

     

    I do wonder why they come up though, about attraction that is, but I guess that I am so so self critical he is like my mirror image.

    Weirdly I feel like I am opening up. Like I have an excited feeling that he is coming to collect me and that we are going to the beach, but I guess my mother is there nagging away so it rains on my parade.

     

    for example, I am worried I will flinch when I see him when he picks me up. But I guess flinching is just another way of fear showing up rather than a catastrophic hidden meaning to break up. I also remembered today how my Father was supposed to pick us up every Saturday or Sunday depending and he was almost always late, or didn’t show, never called in advance and wasn’t allowed in the house. Can’t help but wonder if I associated being picked up by a loved one as painful, and now I have real pure love that my brain is still wired in that way.

    #215407
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    One day you will stop being scared of thoughts, knowing they are very temporary happenings in your brain, nothing to do with the outside, not extending beyond the distance between your ears. Thoughts do not have “catastrophic hidden meaning” of any kind.

    You definitely associate what is happening now with what happened to you in the past. All  brains do that, associating all day long, all waking hours.

    I think it may help you to share more about how your “mother is there nagging away so it rains on (your) parade”- some other time, better anticipate a pleasant time at the beach now, as you wait.

    Try to hold this thought: you don’t have to be scared of thoughts. Look at all the people later at the beach. Many thousands of thoughts in all those brains, in each one, and none is hurting you, none is visible, none is of any consequence. They come and go and gone.

    anita

    #215945
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for your message. The weekend went better. I started trying to tell myself that ‘that’s just a thought’. I also started to realise that maybe I associate anxiety etc with my relationship, and the fear causes me to stick to things like intelligence, attraction, future, as a way to try to protect myself. What I mean is, that maybe on the surface the relationship helps me see that on a deeper level there is much more to be resolved. Two things have helped me understand:

     

    1) Yesterday I had a dream that my partner left me on a bus. I had to buy a ticket and the bus left before I could make it and he was on it and I was screaming in fear.

    Later I dreamt that I fell asleep on a train, and when I woke up I was at Gatwick Airport in London and couldn’t find him.

     

    2) On Sunday the family all came for lunch. I had a photo taken with our niece. When I saw the photo I couldn’t look at it because I felt I looked ugly, fat, just ‘not right’.

     

    Today I received more photos of the meal and a photo of my partner with his niece was there. At first glance I thought it looked good, then I zoomed in, criticised, was unsure I found him attractive etc. much like I had done to myself. So what I think is that I am in projection mode. It happened during lunch too, I was looking thinking he didn’t dress up well enough, was too skinny etc. But there was also positive thoughts like ‘Wow look at this meal he has prepared for his family and me, he was quite nervous and it has been a complete success I am so happy.’

     

    Or ‘Wow this is the kind of partner I thought I could only dream of: kind, caring, loving, family oriented’.

     

    And when I reflected I realised that both Friday and Saturday I was remembering old family members, freindships, events etc. All of which had some level of pain linked.

     

    Now I can’t help but wonder: maybe just maybe this relationship is a safe space for me to finally be able to access old memories I had repressed…because I feel save, love and trusted. Maybe now I am learning that this is a healthy relationship and this is how it can be. Afterall, on Saturday evening, looking at him through my loving eyes, and not my ego fear based eyes, I told him how handsome he was, because he is. So maybe all of this combined frightens me so much because I am vulnerable and there is a lot at stake. So I fear and attribute the fear to superficial surface level feelings, all of which is helping me to avoid feeling the true feelings of a very damaged and low self-esteem, that just needs a little bit of tenderness and compassion.

     

    Thoughts?

    #215955
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    “maybe I associate anxiety ..with my relationship”- yes, you do, no doubt in my mind.

    “the fear causes me to stick to things like intelligence, attraction, future”- yes. Fear does stick to things. (It is very much a sticky thing, fear that is)

    “maybe on the surface the relationship helps me see that on a deeper level there is much more to be resolved”- an intimate adult relationship is a person’s opportunity to resolve a childhood relationship.

    The dreams you had indicate your emotional attachment to your partner and the fear of losing him.

    Regarding the family photo, thinking of yourself as “ugly, fat, just ‘not right'”, later to think about your partner “he didn’t dress up well enough, was too skinny etc.”- this is your core belief, that you are ugly, fat and not right. The logic behind your core belief goes something like this: I am ‘not right’ and so my choices aren’t right, including my choice of a partner.

    When you thought: “Wow this is the kind of partner I thought I could only dream of: kind, caring, loving, family oriented”- I think this is likely a true to reality thought. This evaluation of him is independent of your core belief that you make the wrong choices, one of which is choosing the wrong partner. You are seeing who he is, not images from your past, those “fear based eyes”.

    I agree that this may very well be “a safe space for (you) to finally be able to… feel safe, love and trusted… a healthy relationship and this is how it can be”.

    anita

     

    #218091
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    How are you?

    anita

    #236659
    Derek
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    I must apologise, I don’t appear to have seen this message nor did I respond.

     

    I am doing ok, not great and have entered another episode but am doing all I can to take time, breathe and ride the wave of anxiety.

    They are all just thoughts afterall.

     

    The last few months had been quite good, we even rescued a dog. It’s a lot of work but we love him. I also have been reconnecting with my Mother which has probably opened a whole load of old wounds for which now I actually feel a bit depressed since about 2 weeks ago maybe 3.

     

    I will continue to try and heal,

     

    Thank you for writing.

    #236687
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Derek:

    You are welcome, it  is okay with me that you post anytime you would like, no timing requirements. It  is not surprising to me that you wrote  mother with a capital M. Mother. What powerful people these mothers  are  in our lives. Is it a good idea or a bad  idea that you reconnected with Mother?

    anita

Viewing 8 posts - 106 through 113 (of 113 total)

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