Dear Derek:

No so strange, your mind, or brain, that is. It operates like brains do.

What you wrote about your partner holding your hand and caressing your face and you feeling safe as a result, this is it. There is nothing more valuable in a relationship than to feel safe with one’s partner.

I will repeat it and suggest you do to, later on: there is absolutely nothing more valuable in a relationship than to feel safe, on an ongoing basis, with one’s partner.

You will continue to be anxious, while in the relationship, because your anxiety predated the relationship, and you will keep focusing on education and income and other things, but those things will not bring you the safety you need so desperately.

There is no objective safety, for anyone, including the most educated and most wealthy. After all… no one can escape death and the wealthiest do get sick. Some anxiety I suppose is understandable, it being that as humans we are the only animals knowing we can get sick at any time and that we will definitely die.

Safety for animals and for humans is a relative concept- safer, would be a better word, more accurate than safe. There is nothing more powerful for that safer feeling than a parent being non-aggressive and often loving to a child, consistently. Since you can’t redo your childhood, the next good thing is having a safe partner, one who is consistently not aggressive and often loving.

Did I mention that there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important, more valuable in a partner than him being a safe person for you?

anita

Dear Derek:

That is precious, that you found him doing his homework even though he wasn’t feeling well. I wonder if part of the reason was to please you…

You did very well to notice and not say anything to him, anything negative that is. Even though you felt badly, you didn’t bother him with that and endured. You talked to yourself, forming the intent to be kind and patient. Then went to meditate, to calm yourself. I am very impressed.

So Notice, Endure the distress, Say nothing, forming intent/self talk, calm, all good.

There is one more thing for you to implement and practice. It will take time but you can start with forming the intent: it is not your fault that you are judgmental of him the ways that you are. It is not your fault that you are anxious. These things are not a matter of choice. You didn’t choose to think and feel the ways you do. These are automatic reactions to what was communicated to you when you were a child.

Therefore, it is not realistic to blame yourself. Not your fault. Separate thinking/feeling (not your choice) and behavior (your choice as hard as it is .. to choose correctly when distressed).

Give yourself credit for enduring your distress without reacting to it in ways that are unjust and will hurt him. Accept best you can your thoughts and feelings because you can’t help thinking and feeling what you do.

anita

Dear Derek:

Yes, you made progress and you can make more progress tomorrow and the day after. Be easy on yourself, kind and gentle to yourself- that will make further progress possible. When you think too much about his lack of education and such, try to slow down the thinking, think to yourself, if you can: I will think more of this later. Not now.

I hope you are enjoying the series. You can post again anytime you’d like, maybe tomorrow and let me know of your continuous efforts and progress. It will continue to not be easy, but it will be worth it for you in the long run!

anita

Dear Derek:

Thank you for your good wishes. I am glad you are feeling better and that you are making progress. Good you didn’t share with your partner the few negative judgmental thoughts you had today. Keep the progress going and since sharing here helped you, I hope you come back to this thread anytime you need to re-read from it as well as post more, anytime. I will be glad to reply when you do.

Take good care of yourself and of your relationship.

anita

Dear Derek:

I think you are doing very well considering the difficult and very slow process of repeatedly paying attention to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors, re-evaluating and fitting these to reality. Keep at it.

Regarding holding hands, you wish he would be okay with it, and you feel like holding hands when affectionate. I understand it. But he is afraid of people seeing that and then hurting him and you. He can’t help it and unfortunately, sometimes this happens, as there is such a thing as homophobia.

This behavior, although in itself not negative, in this context, with your partner in public needs to be changed. So to not cause him distress.

Different stressors in day to day life will continue to happen. See to it that you take breaks during the day to distress, to find comfort or release of stress, such as in taking walks, exercising and such.

I admire that you talked to a man on the metro about him behaving aggressively to his wife. My hat is off to you. But be careful, do so in such a way as to minimize the risk involved (for example, making sure there are people around, so the man is less likely to act aggressively toward you).

Looking forward to more of your thoughts/ another update.

anita

Dear Derek:

I wonder if you read my reply before or after some changes I made in it?

Regarding the complication in your studies in Spain and the thought of moving back to the UK- I hope not because from my understanding and feel  of it, you have a wonderful partner in Spain and I see that as a great, huge plus, exceptional. I wouldn’t like you to give it up or leave it behind. I therefore hope you can find an academic solution to  the problem and stay with your partner.

Regarding your partner’s surprise English exam- I didn’t understand it all (it is getting to the time of the day when I am  getting tired…), aim at loving him as he is and encourage him to become more of what he already is, not something that he is not. And when you feel sad for him, you are probably feeling sad for yourself, so maybe you can make a shift from feeling sad for him to feeling sad for you.

Regarding the straight man at work- you felt “hot and nervous”- that is anxiety, fear. The fear associated with education, your own and your partner’s. We discussed it some. If you want we can talk about it more. And having crushes, no big deal, as far as I am concerned. You are a young man, it happens.

Soon will be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Take care.

anita

Dear Derek:

Excellent job, in the relationship, if I may say so! Excellent, realizing that you project your self criticism into him and then sharing it with him. I am very pleased. Do it again, then, notice when you are critical of him and shift your attention to yourself, asking yourself, what is it that I am critical here about myself.

The “outer critic” in you that is criticizing him (in thoughts if not in words) is the flip side of the “inner critic” that is criticizing yourself. Often, most often, when people criticize others, they do not realize that they criticize themselves (at other times) for the same or similar things. You are aware, hence my excitement over your awareness.

I think that you are a good person and a good partner and definitely you are on the right path. Keep at it and be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. Post again anytime.

anita