Unfortunately the explosive episode would come from a dark place deep down,  usually if I had been really depressed for a few days and was extremely low on patience and understanding. Yes it would be directed at my wife, and regretfully a couple times to my oldest daughter. 95% of the time my children never witnessed my selfdestruction.

I am very lucky that my wife is still understanding of my conditions and imperfections, and I know she truly wants me to be happy and healthy as well as her and my children. She is also highly educated and has been through similar suffering which you would think would be great for my process but I have a very hard time letting her in when I’m going into my dark abyss. This is something that I’m working hard on forgiving myself and not pushing help or loves ones away.