Dear Regi:

The functional purpose of shame is to point to a behavior that needs to be examined, and if found wrong, then to correct it. As the social animals that we are, each one of us has a personal responsibility, to take good care of oneself and a social responsibility, to not hurt others and to help others at times.

So you had a relationship with a woman who had a boyfriend. You felt shame as a result (before your brother’s comment). The message: this behavior is harmful, at least in potential, to the woman who may be conflicted about this and to her boyfriend who will feel hurt once he finds out, harmful to their relationship. And it is harmful to you.

So, you correct the behavior: stop the relationship with her, resolve to not get involved again with a woman who has a boyfriend or husband. You can choose to share your experience when others are considering doing what you did, so to try and discourage others from doing harm.

Following correction, shame has served its purpose, has delivered its message and should be gone.

In your recent post you referred to this shame as “this curse”, meaning it is not gone. You did end any and all  inappropriate relationship with this young woman, correct?

anita