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I am pushy in relationships, and it's tough

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • June 1, 2018 at 11:43 am #210365
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I like to get my way in relationships and act very pushy. I just want to be treated right and Im scared I will be taken advantage of. I end up just pushing everyone away. I complain and try and talk about the issue but rarely get my way. I want to let people into my life and allow them to surprise me pleasantly, but Im scared that if I give someone too much space, they will get bored of me or will be lazy. That is why I maintain strict control.

     

    Here are examples of things I’ve gotten angry at previous partners for and have tried to fix:

    – not giving me any presents and forgetting important events (when I would not forget them)

    – not introducing me to close friends and family

    – not showing initiative

    – saying things in anger

    – not making plans for the future

    – not keeping promises

     

    I do not want to be alone and I want a good relationship where my partner meets my needs and I meet theirs. However, I don’t know how to do this without getting mad, giving silent treatment, having calm discussions (where the other person isn’t set on listening).

    June 2, 2018 at 4:10 am #210453
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    Reads to me that you are indeed scared, the word you used twice.

    I want to look at what you are scared of. You wrote that you are scared that you “will be taken advantage of”  and that “if you give someone too much space, they will get bored of me or will be lazy”.

    Reads to me that you are primarily scared of feeling more of what you already feel: not loved, not special. So when a boyfriend let’s say does not keep a promise, it triggers how you felt (and still feel underneath) when this happened before.

    anita

    June 2, 2018 at 5:53 pm #210491
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita!

     

    thank you for your reply. And yes, I am scared. I’m scared that if I become really close to someone and they mistreat me, I’ll have to leave and be alone. Or Id have to stay and put up with being mistreated so I don’t end up being alone. I’m also scared that if I tell my future partner than I am fragile and vulnerable, they will use this against me and think it is okay to manipulate me with my weakness. It’s like my only choice is to appear distant and a little bit closed off so no one comes too close and hurts me.

     

    sometimes I feel like men are out there to control me into submission. Like they are not really capable of true love. They’re only out to find some silly girl who will go along with them and who won’t question them.

     

    this is a bad thought. I want to believe there are men out there who are good and who are capable of seeing me vulnerable and not hurting me but I have not met such a man.

     

    What do I do now? How do I start trusting in men more?! How do I start looking for that partner who will not hurt me as others have?

    June 2, 2018 at 5:56 pm #210493
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Come to think of it, the biggest reason why I am so controlling and pushy in relationships is because I’d rather push someone first before they push me. It’s like I’m so scared they’ll hurt me so I protect myself first without letting this person open up. And I end up attracting men who probably sense this and think that I enjoy this type of relationship.

    June 3, 2018 at 3:43 am #210525
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You are welcome. There are a couple of things I see here. One thing is that there are men out there who do and will take advantage of vulnerable women. (There are women who do the same, taking advantage of vulnerable men). There are men out there, lots of men, whose interest in women is primarily sexual and who will pursue that interest while hurting the women’s well  being.

    The second thing I see is that you project into men (that will be any and every man) the experience you already had in childhood. You wrote: “I’m scared that .. they mistreat me”- probably because you were already mistreated as a child. “I’m scared… I’d have to stay and put up with being mistreated”- you already stayed and put up with mistreatment (a child has nowhere to escape to when mistreated at home).

    You wrote: “I’m also scared… (being) fragile and vulnerable, they will use this against me”- you were, as a child, fragile and vulnerable and you were hurt by someone who should have not hurt you.

    In summary: it will take evaluating each and any man you meet, get to know him over time before getting too intimately involved so to determine if he is a good man, one who values you, one who is trustworthy and it will take you processing early childhood experiences so to no longer inaccurately project these experiences into a good, decent, trustworthy man.

    anita

     

    June 5, 2018 at 1:15 pm #210965
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Anita! Yes, there is truth to that. As a child I felt like my family was constantly pushing and criticising me. I was also bullied and teased at school. I feel incredibly guilty though. Guilty for not having gotten over my hurt when my childhood is so long behind me. Im scared of it reoccurring… the teasing and bullying and criticism when i do date someone. My family says that all men are rude and will make fun of you but a wise woman doesn’t take it to heart. I want to me wise and strong but I am a very sensitive and vulnerable person….I dont want to always be putting up a front with my partner. I want to be cherished. Maybe that is why i pick partners who are so critical and mean….maybe it mimics what I grew up seeing.

    June 6, 2018 at 2:22 am #211165
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You wrote that as a child, your family “was constantly pushing and criticizing me” and you wrote: “My family says that all men are rude”. Well, your family was rude to you, did they tell you that, that they were rude to you?

    They also told you that “a wise woman doesn’t take it to heart”, doesn’t get hurt when someone is rude to her, is what they say, correct? Well, a woman, wise or not, cannot help but be hurt when someone is rude to her, particularly someone she cares about.

    After all, when they were rude to you growing up, pushing and criticizing you, you felt hurt, took it to heart. Any child would. Children take rudeness very much to heart.

    You wrote that you feel “Guilty for not having gotten over my hurt when my childhood is so long behind me”- our childhoods are recorded permanently in our brains. Our brains as adults are the same brains we have as children (We don’t get rid of the childhood brain and get a brand new brain at 18 or 21)

    When you are “scared of it reoccurring… the teasing and bullying and criticism” it is because your fear at having been bullied and criticized is still happening in your brain, it is there ever since it happened early on.

    anita

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