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June 8, 2018 at 5:07 am #211615
TammyParticipantI have been with a man for about a year and a half. Through it all I’ve broken it off with him once and we got back together. The reason for this was plain and simple he was a bit of a dick and I recognised I deserved better. I broke it off because I thought he wasn’t going to change but the break up kind of inspired him to. Anyway, we got back together and were so happy. We make each other so happy and understand each other on a level no one else does. I honestly thought I could marry this guy. So before we met I always had a working holiday trip planned. I left in January about a year after we met and we still talked regularly whilst we were separated. We agreeed we would have an open relationship. I was away for three weeks but had to come back to Australia for a family emergency. We picked up where we left off but midst the three months I was at home for, I started having doubts about us like ‘is he the one?’ ‘Shouldn’t I just know?’ ‘Are we meant to be together?’ They fester and festered until my day was disrupted by them completely. We decided to break it off a month before I was due to come back over. Now I’m over in the UK again and we still talk. This whole time I’ve been convinced that I would come home to him and we would try again, or he’d move over here. And so was he. But this morning I’ve woken up and the doubts are back again. Last night I even wrote in my diary ‘I choose him, I want to marry him’. What is going on with me ? Do I have an issue I need to look at deeper or is he just not the one? He’s the kindest human being I know and treats me like a queen. We build each other up and laugh all of the time. he is the epitome of what I wanted in a husband.
He is perhaps not Quite as spiritual as me. That’s completely okay. And maybe I have to learn to accept that. Maybe that’s contributing to my doubts? I don’t know. Am I crazy? Aren’t you supposed to just know if he’s the one? Shouldn’t you be 100% sure? He is and doesn’t have doubts so why do I?
June 8, 2018 at 5:44 am #211631
AnonymousGuestDear Tammy:
I think that there is a problem with the question: “Is he the one?”, and so an answer is impossible.
I don’t think there is such a thing as The One. I don’t believe in fate, in pre-determined unions, in two people meant to be together (meant by whom…). Don’t believe in soul mates or past lives…
And so, there is no The One, therefore no need to know if the is the one. He is one man with whom you get along pretty well, one who treats you well. And if the communication between the two of you is effective, if both are honest with each other, respectful, not aggressive, if the two of you are interested in the other’s well being, my goodness, you have a whole lot together and a good reason to pursue a life together.
But you do believe in The One, in fate and soul mates and such?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 5:55 am #211633TammyParticipantHi Anita,
I definitely believe in soul mates and I always thought I believed in the one until I came across some advice from several other people that there are many soul mates and ones for us and it’s all about sliding doors – which door do you want to pick.
Its just the doubt and anxiety that is troubling me. Sometimes it takes a hold of my day and I feel stuck and it’s all I can think about – am I making the right choice ? It’s just so frustrating sometimes !
June 8, 2018 at 6:11 am #211635AnonymousGuestDear Tammy:
If there many soul mates then there is no one soul mate, or The One. No?
I ask because it may resolve some of your anxiety, as you don’t have to figure out if he is the one. Is he compatible with you may be more of a realistic question:
are your values compatible, that is, what is most important to him in a relationship and what is most important to you in a relationship?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 6:16 am #211637TammyParticipantHi Anita,
the values is a really good point. I guess I just want a way to get rid of these doubts and the anxiety. I don’t want to ruin what we have because of the anxiety.
June 8, 2018 at 6:27 am #211639AnonymousGuestDear Tammy:
What was your anxiety about before this relationship, before you met him and how early in your life do you remember being anxious?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 6:32 am #211641TammyParticipantDear Anita,
Before this relationship, a year before this one, I was in a long term relationship where we were so co dependent on each other it wasn’t funny. I had no idea how to be by myself and we just relied on each other for happiness. I completely lost myself in that relationship and had to work hard to find myself again. I was riddled with anxiety just about life and everything seemed such a massive task while I was in that relationship. Everything was hard and I was riddled with fear and low self esteem.
This man, whom I adore and love – we met at a time when we were both very lost. And we bring out our true selves when we are around each other. I was very happy and had no anxiety for quite some time. A good six months into the relationship. There was nothing major, but then of course the doubts started. We broke up. We got back together and they were gone etc etc by now come back every now and then. So does he anxiety.
After typing and explaining this to you, maybe I am anxious about losing myself again. Maybe I am so fearful that will happen again in any relationship? I want this man in my life, so surely the anxiety has to be something to do with me if there are no major red flags?
June 8, 2018 at 7:00 am #211647AnonymousGuestDear Tammy:
Reads to me that your anxiety predates your current relationship and therefore did not originate in this relationship, with this man.
* You did write though that he was a d*&% early on. How was he that?
You wrote that you might fear losing yourself again. For a while you felt safe in the relationship and then for no apparent reason you felt in danger, not safe. How we feel in romantic relationships is most often about how we felt in our earliest relationship, the one with our most present parent, usually the mother. It is that early relationship that forms us in so many ways.
Do you see a connection, in your case?
anita
June 8, 2018 at 10:26 am #211675TammyParticipantHi Anita
at the beginning to be honest he was rude a lot of the time and his behaviour showed not like you would want from a relationship. Just a lot of rudeness, would disrespect the relationship by ‘checking out’ other girls while out etc but not once did he cheat – behaviour that showed he was hurting deep down as well I guess. He didn’t open up a lot and didn’t perhaps talk about his love for me at all, he kept it all inside. At times I was concerned he was cheating and it flickered across my mind but he did not cheat. I did feel unsafe I guess in the relationship due to some of this behaviour. Thinking back, initially I was apprehensive to make things official with him, maybe due to this behaviour ? Maybe because it’s not meant to be ?
I guess i cN see some patterns with my mother and our relationship in regards to feeling safe that can be slightly connected to this relationship.
June 8, 2018 at 2:19 pm #211701AnonymousGuestDear Tammy:
It takes two things in evaluating if a man is the right man for you when you have doubts, as you do: to evaluate who he truly is and to understand your fears from the time before you met him, the fears you brought into the relationship.
You wrote that there was a lot of rudeness and disrespect on his part; anything other than checking out other women in your presence and is he still disrespectful to you in any way?
I wonder about the patterns with your mother, how they connect. Would you like to elaborate?
* Will be back to the computer in about 12 hours.
anita
June 9, 2018 at 1:10 am #211727TammyParticipantDear Anita,
There is no disrespect anymore after we bridged that issue so it may be the fears I brought into the relationship. I might ponder on these questions privately now but I thank you so much for giving me some relief from my anxiety for now and some questions to think about ❤️
Tammy xx
June 9, 2018 at 2:33 am #211729AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Tammy.
anita
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