Lara, you’re definitely not the only one. I’ve had 2 friends with similar issues. Each one had the habit of saying hateful things to herself when she was alone. I’d overhear it, but had no idea how to handle it at the time.

Both friends were extremely anxious people. They lived in fear and never spoke up when they got bullied. It was like they tried to bottle up their fear, but since that’s impossible, it’d explode in the form of compulsive habits. Most of the time, the hateful phrases escaped from their mouths before they even realized it. Then, the resulting shame worsens things.

Have you tried keeping a daily journal of when your impulses show up? You could write down, for example, what was happening beforehand and your thoughts and emotions (before, during and after). This allows you to be more mindful about the impulses and gives you some control.

What makes you say that OCD doesn’t fit with your situation? I’d highly suggest seeking professional help. I’ve read that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps alleviate OCD, though another solution might work better for you.

In any case, know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, Lara!