Hi Brandy,

Wow! Where to start!

Firstly I want to send you my deepest thanks for taking time out of your life to read me three times and then have the decency to reply. I thankyou for your compliment too- it means a lot to me.

You are completely accurate in all of your observations and also articulate them in a way that is very honest and easy to understand. Thankyou.

You’re right about guilt following the divorce. I guess we all feel guilt for different reasons and hang on to it for different reasons too. Maybe the guilt shifts from reason to reason over time as we reflect and become more self aware. After a period of time, my guilt was centred around actually wanting to get some space and just be by myself- that need to be able to breathe and, as you do insightfully say, get that clarity of thought.

I believe guilt is just an all consuming emotion and we hang on to it partly to punish ourselves but also to tell ourselves that if we feel bad about what we did, then we must at least be a part good person or we wouldn’t feel that way. It kind of feeds our unhealthy state and before we know it, if we can’t break the cycle, it becomes a drug to us.

On reflection, the work I’ve done through self awareness, emotional intelligence has all been about trying to find that little chink in the cycle of guilt: some little nugget of wisdom that resonates to the point that it is strong enough to begin the recovery process.

I will try the exercise you suggested. I will list everything and try to forgive myself. 

I am still working in the same place- my work is tough, I’m heavily involved in a change process and it’s not helping right now. My girls are on holiday with their mother in the location we used to visit as a family- again, not helping right now either.

I drink every day- not to the point of passing out or drunkenness but to just help me slip into relaxation a little. I don’t see it as a problem and I feel I could stop anytime. I am getting back into running and exercise but just don’t have the passion right now as used to.

I want to be happy, I don’t want to be the version of myself I’ve created slowly over the past six years, I want to laugh again, find love and squeeze every drop out of this life that I can- it’s just right now, I can’t see past each day and the next holds no change.

I do thank you so much for your post and for taking the time to connect. You sound like a very caring and empathetic woman and maybe counselling should be your thing ?