Hi Brandy,

Wow! Where to start!

Firstly I want to send you my deepest thanks for taking time out of your life to read me three times and then have the decency to reply. I thankyou for your compliment too- it means a lot to me.

You are completely accurate in all of your observations and also articulate them in a way that is very honest and easy to understand. Thankyou.

You’re right about guilt following the divorce. I guess we all feel guilt for different reasons and hang on to it for different reasons too. Maybe the guilt shifts from reason to reason over time as we reflect and become more self aware. After a period of time, my guilt was centred around actually wanting to get some space and just be by myself- that need to be able to breathe and, as you do insightfully say, get that clarity of thought.

I believe guilt is just an all consuming emotion and we hang on to it partly to punish ourselves but also to tell ourselves that if we feel bad about what we did, then we must at least be a part good person or we wouldn’t feel that way. It kind of feeds our unhealthy state and before we know it, if we can’t break the cycle, it becomes a drug to us.

On reflection, the work I’ve done through self awareness, emotional intelligence has all been about trying to find that little chink in the cycle of guilt: some little nugget of wisdom that resonates to the point that it is strong enough to begin the recovery process.

I will try the exercise you suggested. I will list everything and try to forgive myself. 

I am still working in the same place- my work is tough, I’m heavily involved in a change process and it’s not helping right now. My girls are on holiday with their mother in the location we used to visit as a family- again, not helping right now either.

I drink every day- not to the point of passing out or drunkenness but to just help me slip into relaxation a little. I don’t see it as a problem and I feel I could stop anytime. I am getting back into running and exercise but just don’t have the passion right now as used to.

I want to be happy, I don’t want to be the version of myself I’ve created slowly over the past six years, I want to laugh again, find love and squeeze every drop out of this life that I can- it’s just right now, I can’t see past each day and the next holds no change.

I do thank you so much for your post and for taking the time to connect. You sound like a very caring and empathetic woman and maybe counselling should be your thing ?

Hi Brandy (or is it Tony?), I hear you about why replying isn’t completely selfless- I hear you and understand. I have only stumbled across this site occasionally in the past and never subscribed or posted before. I’m guessing you may have posted in the past because you needed to share something and get some help yourself? 

I think learning more about yourself is a wonderful thing and the biggest part of this journey we call life. Isn’t life about being happy and that starts with being happy in our own company. I believe that every tine we interact with another person, we learn just a little more about ourselves. If we just observe ourselves and take a back seat and listen to how we feel, respond and then have the mindfulness  and courage to explore that, we never stop growing. Already, in just a few messages, I have learned from you and that is mainly because despite the difficult situation I find myself in, my overriding desire is to move forward and grow so I’m listening to what you say, taking it in and learning. I guess that’s the reason I reached out initially and the fact that you not only replied, but did so in the way you did, has restored my faith that there are good people out there and, as I’ve always held dear, everyone has a story to tell and none of us are alone in that. The ‘perfect’ people don’t exist- not on the inside anyway?.

So now you have me curious.im intrigued to know what ‘your story’ is. I can hear some clues in what you say but it’s the how you say it that intrigues me more. You speak so eloquently and with intelligence and ease that it’s easy to pick up similarities and areas that resonate. 

So what is it or was it that you felt guilt for in such a way that you can identify with what I said? I love the ‘yes’ people comment. I have those in my life who, when I take the risk and be vulnerable with them and tell my story, only seem to want to appease my guilt and offer an opposing view to cancel out what I really think and feel. I know they mean well but what I want and need is someone to say ‘yeah! You’re right, you made shit decisions and it’s had an affect on xyz but let’s talk about why and get to the root cause’ instead of saying I’m a great dad because lots of dads in your position would have walked away. I don’t want to compare myself to the lower quartile of Dad Standard- I want to be compared to the premier league dads and to earn that right, there’s a journey to travel. I know people mean well but sometimes we need to walk a mile in each other’s heads to really get it and understand and therefore, be able to truly help. Maybe that’s why sites like this help? Likeminded people talking to likeminded people who know how they want to improve but just don’t know what to do next? 

Your approach to exercise and your awareness of your physical state on your emotional state is so powerful. So many people understand the need to exercise but don’t relate that to why or their own need. In my teens and adult life, exercise has been an integral part of who I am. When I was younger I played all sports, I used to box for the army and more latterly I have run marathons to a decent standard- mainly because I was dedicated and focused. I always used running as a release and I haven’t had that in a long time. During stressful periods of my life, I would gauge how long on each run it would take to stop thinking about the source of the stress and at that point I would observe a complete shift into a different mindset where I would dream up quite innovative solutions to my problems. I miss that and that’s what I’m trying to regain- I guess I need to work on the discipline and make it a habit again. Prioritise what’s important for me and then not be afraid to be a little selfish and just do it- right!

There’s nothing wrong with being a drinking lightweight- or even more importantly, having the awareness of what the effects are on you and the way you think. I’ve never really thought of it that way before- I’m more than aware of the physical effects (and in that how stupid I am knowing that and wanting to be fit too!) but I’d never really considered the exaggerating effect of alcohol on my mind. You see, I’ve always seen it as synonymous with relaxation. I drink at home but only in a certain environment; it’s when the day is done, I create an atmosphere in the house and then take a drink to complete the picture. I only do this because somewhere in my life I have related this to a place or a time where I felt certain and safe and that to recreate it makes things ok for a while. I have a ‘dark, rainy, Friday nights’ thing from when I was a kid and always felt safe and secure and I think it stems from that. I think I need to stop completely Brandy- maybe give myself the permission to have a chance to see my position through clarity of thought and see how that compares? I have some really tough choices to make very soon which will change my life and direction again and I need to turn right this time- but back to what you said, bad decisions are made when you don’t see clearly; I have to get back to that place of clarity.

Right now I’m heading over to see my youngest daughter. It’s her 16th birthday tomorrow and I’ve made her a cake and I’ve just pulled over for a coffee and to talk to you and reply to your post. I get to spend a few hours with her on her birthday and then drive back. I already know I’ll feel low after leaving her and a long drive alone is not the best solution to that. But in knowing that ahead of time, I can be prepared and think positively. Small steps and keep moving forward. We all have so much to be grateful for in this life and the secret is how we remain mindful and in tune with what we do have instead what we don’t. 

Keep trying to be better each day- and never stop. Thankyou again for taking time out to talk 

N.

Hi again Brandy,

It’s interesting to see how different people get into or relate to subjects where matters of mindfulness, self awareness and emotional intelligence are at the heart. I’d never really thought or looked at life or my part in life in this way before I started to need answers to questions and in my pursuit of that, opened up a Pandora’s box of insight and power I never knew existed. Maybe that’s the key with this stuff- some of us are aware of it through curiosity and need to grow spiritually and therefore apply it in order to make minor changes in our lives whereas others stumble across it through desperation, the reaction to life impacting events and the need for answers to make large course corrections. I guess you know my case- I’ve never done this before and hiding behind a mask of anonymity I just fired an arrow out into the dark to see what would happen. I’ve read a little of other threads and intend to do so more. 

I can relate to your comments about guilt. Do you think guilt is synonymous with regret? The guilt I feel is in the choices I’ve made and the hurt I caused (or contributed to) where my actions have directly impacted another person detrimentally. I notice the list of guilt  you feel is all related to personal interactions or relationships. Isn’t it the cruelest trick of life that the way we behave as younger versions of ourselves through ignorance and lack of awareness is rewarded with more guilt as we become more enlightened. The big challenge then is to rationalise what we are feeling, identify why and as you said to me, forgive yourself. But how can you ever forgive yourself? Surely the awakening and awareness has to be so strong to withstand any self doubt or challenge to the point where self forgiveness can only happen because you truly, truly believe that today’s version of you- the one you’ve spent a life time building and arming with tools of awareness and knowledge, wouldn’t do those things. The person who did those things doesn’t exist, it was a version of ourselves in construction that did them and we weren’t complete yet so how inevitable is it that there’s going to be an adverse effect. If we drove a half built car and crashed it because we didn’t fit the brakes yet, we wouldn’t feel guilty- we’d identify the problem, fix it and move on. 

I have some of those same guilts which have now grown into regret- mainly because today’s version of me hadn’t even been realised. I have a brother who is in his forties who committed an act in my life when he was 18 and I don’t have him in my life because of years of being unable to forgive- or at least confront. I have let important relationships suffer to the point where they don’t exist anymore- relationships that as a child gave me so much happiness and fun.

And parenting! Don’t get me started! I think if I try and wrap up the whole parenting guilt under one heading (which is near impossible) I would say ‘expectation’. The expectation I had of myself was higher and in not living out the dream, much sadness and sabotaging emotion and feeling has ensued. I expected better of myself and in that expectation, I have to know the reasons why and the antidote to the reasons why, I believe, will hold the key to my future happiness. 

You say you worry how your kids will judge you? Do you believe you have something to be judged by? Don’t you already know how they see you? What are you aiming for? What will be a satisfactory outcome of their judgement? Will only perfection do? You say you’re happily married- trust me (and I don’t mean to be presumptuous) but that alone is a huge part of how they will see you- in a very good way. You know, the other thing, and I wait impatiently for this day….is that our children will only ever truly understand how much we love them, sacrificed for them and just how big a part of who we are they are when they have children of their own. There’s just no other practical demo better than that!

I have been scathing of my parents for a period for things they ‘didn’t’ do for me but understanding what they did do is a massive counterbalance and a lesson I learned some time ago which makes me see them now with nothing but love, respect and admiration. I wouldn’t change my parents or any aspect of how they brought me up for the world- they did the very best with what they had, what they knew and they created a much better life for me and my siblings then we should have had. 

I was the eldest of four. Two brothers and a sister- the sister two years after me, the next brother two after her and the youngest double that gap (accident apparently). My father was a very hard working, working class man who took almost nothing for himself and worked tirelessly, all his life to provide for his family. He has very little social life as a result at 77 now but he is loved by everyone for his strength, integrity and humility. He is quite simply my hero. He was once a giant, a rock and was indestructible. On Sunday morning, I was over to see my daughter and so I offered to take him swimming. To see his now frail and ageing body where once he was muscular and strong, was so sad to see and an instant reminder that nothing lasts forever- nothing! But in that moment, I loved him just as much as I always have and to see him smiling and joking as we swam together is a memory I’ll never forget now. You see, my dad is a perfect example of how to be a dad. He took it seriously and saw it through to the end. My shame, that I didn’t do that- or at least not to his demonstrable standard, is that I had the audacity to be annoyed at one point in my life that I hadn’t been pushed academically by both my parents. But it wasn’t their fault- they weren’t academics and only knew hard work and honesty- I have felt at times that the potential I showed in early life wasn’t realised because I wasn’t pushed or directed that way by them. All that really matters in life are the interactions we have with others and how we treat those closest to us and that our wealth, at the end of our lives is a reflection on the quality of that. It doesn’t matter if we have a hundred friends or just a few close loving relationships, when we leave this world- that’s all we have. My mum is similar to my dad in that she worked hard but has suffered with depression at times and her life has been affected by it. She is loved too.

My early childhood was amazing- so basic and full of the right kind of memories. I was always active, adventurous and outdoors in all weathers. But I also got so much from the security of feeling safe and feeling loved too- a trait that has probably caused more problems in my adult life as I’ve tried to recreate it. Mid- childhood was harder, I struggled at times to truly fit in and did develop a little insecurity which has shown itself in later life too. Late childhood/ teens was harder still as I never really had focus on a future or a dream and just drifted into adulthood and hard work rather than intelligence to get by. I played lots of sports as a kid and as a family we spent so much time together and we were so close.  I look back on my childhood with fondness although I definitely recognise unchecked behaviours and mindsets from then in my adult life now which have caused problems for me. I don’t blame anyone- I take full accountability for how things are today and that is ok. I do hear you about how family dynamic changes with the invasion into the inner circle of spouses etc. It’s inevitable and it certainly has had a significant effect on my family. 

I would share the detail of the choices I now need to make on here but like you, the internet…..creepy! I’d be happy to share over personal email but probably prefer to keep off here. 

My daughter was 16 on Sunday and I went over to see her. I’d baked a cake for her and decorated it with sugar paste creations of gym related items including a version of her doing sit ups! She loved it and we have a lovely time- albeit only for a few hours. I’m tired of the infrequency and briefness of our interactions and it’s part of the choices comment I made.

Listen- last point…..earlier you said about guilt and things you did when you were younger. When I was younger (or even recently) I always believed I was going to live forever and things just didn’t apply to me because I’m living forever, there’d always be just loads of time and everything would work out and life would be great. It’s only very recently, relatively speaking, that I’ve realised that’s not the case and the thoughts I had in my ignorant and unconscious state were wrong. The actions- or inaction, I took because of that mindset are wrong and as I said I believe, they came from a place that wasn’t me- or not the me of today. So please don’t feel guilty for things you wouldn’t do today. Be grateful for your awareness and the chance to never do them again or maybe put some of them right. Awareness is a beautiful gift- but only if used responsibly. You have nothing to feel guilty about! I can tell you are a good person and you just need to remember that. Speak soon N

Ps- loving your sense of humour! ?

Hey Brandy

great to hear from you again. I’ve had a few heavy days at work so haven’t had time to post on here.

It was a rainy Friday night where I am so I lit the fire and relaxed for a while; so important to do that and reconnect with what and who you are, even if it’s such simple pleasures as rain and fire!

its raining here again today so a great excuse to have a lazy Saturday. I need thinking space today to work through the issues I originally posted for and I journey st haven’t had the clarity or calm to do that this week. I have been running again and slowly building it up. The time alone and to just appreciate the feeling of running and being outdoors is a blessing and we can easily overlook just how much pleasure, beauty and simplicity there is out there if we stay mindful enough to appreciate it.

im seeing my daughter next week. It’s her school parents evening so I’m driving over and staying overnight. I need to be in a place where I’ve made some choices this week so I can talk to her about it.

what are you up to this weekend? Which part of the states do live?

thanks for thinking of me and taking the time to write. Have a great day. N

I woke this morning and thought deeply about my problem. I thought about what you said about each morning and I told myself that each day has to make a difference. Each day where I don’t take action- no matter how fearful it is, is a day wasted. My dream or my goal lies on the other side of fear and until I face that fear, that’s where it will always remain. I’m trying very hard to rationalise that fear- break it down into bite size chunks so in that rationalisation, I can understand ‘what’s the worst that could possibly happen’. I am going to both cause and be in pain. I know I will have mountains to climb but if I want peace and inner fulfilment, well, it isn’t going to happen in this version of my life anyway. 

I wish I could share, talk through it all but I have no one that either won’t be affected or is close enough. I have spoken to a friend but rewind back to your first reply to me about how you need someone to not pander to your fears or problems and be honest and open with you: that’s what I’m missing and need because in the absence of that, I’m the only one who provides that counsel and guilt gets in the way as a result! 

I feel in on the edge of a cliff with the biggest fear of heights (which I have by the way) but I have to take the most massive leap of faith over the edge and in the fall, comes peace, calm and the clarity to see the answers but there’s a huge fear to overcome first. 

I love the West coast. I’ve always had an ambition to go to San Francisco and run the mountains, walk the streets and drink the bars. I’ve spent lots of time in Florida and been to NY and Lake Eerie. One day maybe ? N